Every day is an opportunity to become a "better" you........

(This is a painting I did a few years ago which ended up in Sweden before I had taken a photo of it. The quality of the image is not the best due to the number of i-thingy's it had to go thru before I could post it, but hopefully the essence of the love between the father and son is still discernable.)

In a few days, actually, tomorrow is the last day of this year.  I have never put much stock in New Year's celebrations, although I am pretty sure that some people do, none the less, for some of us it's an excellent time to make resolutions to do things differently, and hopefully "better", ... next year.

A New Years Promise

Hush, dear son and try to sleep,

do not worry, do not weep.

You are safe, here in my arms,

far away, from that which harms.

Rest your head against my chest,

hear the gentle rhythm of my breaths.

Let fly away all tears and fears,

and ugly thoughts that may appear.

Hold not too tight yesterday's sorrows,

or what may come in future tomorrows,

just rest easy, in the here and now,

straighten out, your worried brow.

Innocence cuts with surgical precision,

through layers of pretense and most suppositions,

which makes a child, yes a boy just like you,

able to tell when a heart is not true.

So, watching you sleep here in my arms,

I can't help but wonder: have I done you harm?

Could I have shown you, more love more patience,

the words that I used, of a far gentler cadence?

I fear that the answer, if honest I'd be:

I can do better, be a better me.

I'll make you a promise, loud and clear,

to be a better father, this coming new year.

(Citizen Z)

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."(Anne Frank)

(Perhaps one could even say: "How wonderful it is that no one need wait a single moment before starting to improve themselves.")

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world" says Gandhi...

I wish you a great 2018......

For you, where ever you are........a word of encouragement

"Do not paint over this one" said my son. (The reason he said that was that I would often paint over old works when I ran out of fresh canvases, and truth be told, this image is a "paint-over".)

"Take a few steps back and have a look" he continued.

I did what he told me. Something very peculiar happened when I looked at the painting from a distance; I was able to disconnect myself from the process of what I was doing and this enabled me to view the image as if someone else had painted it. Standing on the easel, the painting that I was working on, was a portrait of my son's friend Zach, but somehow, viewing the painting at a distance, Zach had turned into "The Nazarene".

The first time I showed the painting in an exhibition was quite extraordinary and some of the responses by the viewers, memorable to say the least.

The Nazarene was the first painting on display in the exhibition, (I guess a bit like an entrance point) so for that reason, that was were I was positioned in order to welcome visitors.

(I now need to say this:  I am only ever a channel and have no sense of "ownership" connected to any of the kind of creative work that I do, ....once something is finished, my part is done. My contribution is hard work, acquiring the skills needed and allowing the "channel" to remain open.)

Because of my position, I was able to to hear and see some of the reactions to the painting.

"Look mum, Jesus!" a little girl exclaimed as she pointed to the painting. If I remember right, many children who saw the painting seemed to hold the same view although some of them thought that I  got the hair colour wrong; it should have been "yellow" (?). Some viewers asked me if I was religious, some asked me why I painted Jesus when nobody really knows if he ever really existed, some told me that they found the painting offensive, some asked me what on earth made me paint Jesus, was I trying to convert people? What however became obvious very quickly to me was that the painting seemed to evoke quite strong emotions in the viewers. 

Near the closing time, I noticed a woman standing quietly in front of the painting. She was standing there silently for such a long time, that I decided to talk to her. I gently tapped her on the shoulder and as she turned around to face me, I noticed that tears were gently sliding down her cheeks.

Softly she asked me if I had painted the painting of Jesus. "Actually, it is not Jesus, it is Zach, a friend of my son, that I painted, but it seems as if for many people, it is a representation of how they imagine Jesus would have looked" I answered. "Please forgive my tears, but I don't seem to be able to stop them. You see, I am not religious at all, I don't even know if I believe that Jesus ever existed, but somehow the face in your painting oozes such gentleness, stillness and love, that I don't seem able to walk away. I just want to keep looking at it," she responded.

In the car on the way home, I pondered on the number of people who had offered suggestions on what should happen to the painting: you should give it to a church, it should be hanging in a church, you should donate it to a hospital, etc.etc......funny how no one made an offer to buy it......

(After all, who would want to have "Jesus" on the wall in their living room?)

Christmas is celebrated by many of us; for some of us it may entail the birth of Jesus, for some of us Christmas is merely a commercial construct, for some of us it's a few days rest, for some of us it's family time, for some of us it's a chance to eat good food, have a glass or two and spend time with friends, for some of us it's a good time to reconnect, for some of us it's a good time to take time out and reflect on our lives, for some of us it may mean nothing more than another reason to party, for some of us it may encourage us to be mindful of people less fortunate than us, for some of us it may be a highlight on our religious calendar, and so on. 

As far as holidays go, Christmas is a "biggie".

For some of us, Christmas can be like a tonic for our souls, it can assist us in directing our thoughts toward the giving to others: more of our time, more acts of kindness, patience, love, compassion, support, encouragement, and the helping of hands. (And all this without us having to spend a single cent.)

My view is that we all have the potential for being givers, all it requires is open hands and an open heart . Even in times when our hands may be empty, an open heart is always full, and from that fullness of heart we can give warmth, comfort, kindness and company.

I know that for some of us, Christmas can be the time when we feel the most alone, if this happens to be you, let me just say this:

You are not alone

although

this may be how you feel.

Because you are connected...

through the air that you breathe,

 the words that you speak,

the thoughts that you share,

the burdens you bear,

the warmth of the sun,

thru clouds on the run,

the cool of the breeze,

the shade of a tree.

You are connected to the earth upon which you walk, 

you and all creatures, 

be they big or small.

 You are not alone

'cos with all there is, 

or that ever will be,

you, you do belong.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Feelings are one thing ---- how we chose to respond to those feelings is another....

"Spread love wherever you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."

(Mother Teresa)

Last week my trusty old Dell laptop died. It had been behaving strangely for a few weeks, but my experience with computers has taught me that sometimes stuff happens seemingly for no reason. (Well, not being a computer whiz, that's how it seemed to me.)

After crashing three times in a few hours, I finally submitted to calling an expert.

The expert confirmed my fears; the computer was done for, so the question became: could the info on the hard drive be saved? Long story short; I had to buy a new laptop and with the expert's help, we managed to save most of what was on the hard drive.

So, after last weeks debacle, I am finally able to write a new post for this blog.

"Love is an essence that is omni-directional and outward directed with benevolence at its core."

A statement I made in a previous post in an attempt to define love as free as possible from the confines of expectations, interpretations, and personal experiences.

Often when we speak of love, feelings are at the forefront of how we define it, which for me is problematic because feelings and the understanding of them are so often rooted in our individual experiences.  Some say that there are a number of different kinds of love: romantic love, friendship love, love between parent and child, a kind of universal love as in altruism, charity, compassion for our fellow humans, to mention a few. But, what happens to romantic love when the "romance"  is gone? What happens to friendship love if there is a strong difference of opinion? What happens to the love between parent and child when the child rejects the parent's way of parenting? What happens to our compassion and sense of charity when those we offer it to turns us away?

Is love a choice or is it a feeling? Or is it both? Or is it something altogether different?

Are human beings capable of rising above feelings, past experiences, opinions, and expectations and tap into a kind of love that is omni-directional and outward directed with benevolence at its core?

Feelings come and go, they are often volatile and precarious, they swing like a pendulum back and forth, they are powerful and can often wrestle all logic and reason to the ground. 

Like an un-expected king-tide, suddenly we find ourselves swept up in a monster wave of emotions, barely managing to breathe and like the wave, we crush everything in our way.

Once subsided, we are left with a lot of debris and a mess to clean up.

"Honey, it's only because I love you so much that I reacted this way", or "Son, it's only because I love you that I reacted this way" or "It's only because I feel so passionate about this issue that I acted this way".....

Much violence and aggression is justified (according to perpetrators of such acts) in the name of "love". 

On the other hand, feelings of benevolence and good will(love) can also mobilize us to help others, to support, to uplift, to contribute, to express compassion.

 What we all have at our disposal although perhaps it often does not feel like it, is the choice of how to act in response to our feelings. In between us experiencing a feeling and how to respond to that feeling, is a moment....that moment gives us the chance to chose our response.

Looking back on my own experiences, I remember the very moment when I realized that it was okay to love someone regardless of whether that love was requited or not. Love, I realized, whether requited or not, was not the point, the point was that all the things that I loved about my lover: the generosity, the sense of humor, the kindness, the willingness to help out, etc.etc. would remain, just not for me to enjoy anymore, and that was okay, because those lovely attributes would be there for someone else to enjoy. I choose to view love as a songbird: it sings the best when it's not caged.

(This insight helped me to let go of any sense of ownership when it comes to love.)

Love; perhaps one of the hardest words to define, may also be one of the most abused words.

We love chocolate, we love our sports team, we love the new iPhone, we love our cars, we love to just hang out, we love to "troll", we love sushi, etc.etc. I am going to suggest that perhaps "enjoy/like" may work as well or instead. So what? you may say.

I am just wondering if perhaps by using the term love too much may possibly "water down" the power and meaning of it?

I was once asked: -If there is a hell, how would you describe it?

My answer: -Earth, but without the existence and or the expression of any kind of love.

-You think there's love on earth then?

-Yes, I do. I see it in children laughing, in parents playing with their children, in old couples walking hand in hand, in teenagers sneaking a kiss, in people walking their dogs, in nature, in the sunshine, in the dew in the grass early in the morning, in the waves crashing the beach, in the birds singing, and....

-Yeah, yeah, I get it..........

Most of us can probably agree that at this point in time, Earth is having a hard time surviving with us humans doing all sorts of horrible thing to it, so perhaps it is time for us humans to tap into a kind of love that is omni-directional and outward directed with benevolence at its core?

I'm sure at least it couldn't hurt for us to love each other and our planet a bit more.

The benefits of boundaries.......

(This image is a remake (hand painted by me) of a polish poster for the movie "To Kill a Mockingbird" that I painted as part of a series of paintings for an exhibition titled: "Cinefiend- A tribute to Movie poster Art.")

 To Kill a Mockingbird is about a man standing up against injustice and prejudice regardless of the cost to himself and his family. In the face of opposition and threats, he stays true to his beliefs and core values, and he does so with integrity and dignity.

In view of news report after news report on men behaving badly in Hollywood, and now also here in Australia with disclosures of TV personalities behaving equally badly, I can't help but wonder....are there no Atticus Finches (the man in the movie) around any more?

Is the current way of thinking: a crime is only a crime if one is caught? is a behaviour only "bad" if it is disclosed? is the miss-use of power only abuse of power if the people who are at the brunt of that miss-use of power speak up? what about systemic bullying? is it only deemed bullying if there is a "blood trail"?

Here's my quandary: here we are, supposedly able to hear the remnants of the sound of the "big bang", inching our way closer and closer to a possible conclusion/solution/equation of the "Theory of Everything", yet,  .....so many of us still behave "badly" in spite of all our so called progress. 

What do I mean with "badly" you may ask.

For me it means taking advantage, bullying, harassing someone, consciously behaving in a way one knows and understands will cause harm, behaving in a malicious manner, etc.etc.

(Basically, causing someone psychological and or physical pain in pursuit of satisfying one's own wants.)

Behaving badly in my view, often entails ignoring and or disrespecting boundaries, those others have, but also our own. Boundaries, as I view it, define how and what we communicate, basically they provide the parameters of what we expect from ourselves and others, even perhaps what we expect from life.

Often our boundaries are experienced as "self-evident", but as far as I can ascertain, boundaries vary from person to person and what one person may experience as a self-evident boundary may not be a boundary at all for someone else.

A boundary can be: physical, emotional, mental, material.

Physical: personal space as in how much space you need around yourself to feel comfortable and safe, who can touch you; where, when, how.

Emotional: differentiation between yourself and others, awareness of your feelings, your choices, and knowing within yourself where your responsibilities begins and ends

Mental: knowing what constitutes your belief system as in your core values, thoughts and opinions.

Material: what you will lend someone, books, DVD's etc. but also "time" as in amount of tardiness that you are okay with.

These are just some examples, but perhaps it may be a helpful exercise for us to actually ponder what our boundaries are now and then, because in my experience, they can and often do, change.

One aspect of boundaries that I believe to be important is how we explain to others that we feel that they have crossed one (or more) of our boundaries.

In my experience, explaining calmly, clearly, and precisely that a boundary that you have has been crossed, usually has the most favourable outcome. "Excuse me, but would you mind stepping back a little, I feel uncomfortable with you standing so close, ...or...   Excuse me, but would you mind not touching me all the time, it makes me feel uncomfortable, ...or...Excuse me, but would you mind not speaking so loudly, it makes me feel uncomfortable"..etc.etc.

(In some cultures speaking fast and loud, touching and gesticulating is the norm, but if you feel uncomfortable with it, tell the person so in a non-aggressive way.)

If you feel that someone is disrespecting, belittling, manipulating, or bullying you in any way, tell him or her, because sometimes even though it may be scary, we just have to stand up for ourselves/our core values and make our boundaries "visible" for others.

All of us are capable of behaving "badly" at times, but here's the good news: we can make sure we don't do it again, because behaving badly hurts not just others but ourselves as well.

"Just because everyone is behaving like a clown doesn't mean you have to join the circus."

(Matshona Dhliwayo)

In your relationships, are you a "pusher" or a "puller"?

Before I write about the topic: "the "push and pull" in relationships",

 let me explain the image.

I have painted a token male and female figure, but the "push and pull", as I view it, often also applies to most relationships such as: between parents and children, between siblings, friends, work mates, partners, lovers, employers and employees, etc.

Some suggest that a "genuine" relationship requires transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, mutual respect, patience and understanding, and this applies to any kind of relationship.

Relationships that are founded on flexibility,  honesty, compassion, equality, fairness and collaboration, are commonly more fulfilling and rewarding than those founded on a (constant) struggle for validation and or the need for feeling and being, in control.

The" puller": "do you love me less because I love you so much?"

The "pusher": "I love you too, but sometimes your love is too much and I feel a need to distance myself."

Those very common words often lead to lengthy discussions in my experience, and often not terribly helpful, although, if both pusher and puller are flexible and open, it may deepen the affection and bond between them.

For those of us who have children the "push and pull" dynamic can be very difficult to navigate.

Parent: "I am only telling you not to do this because I love you and don't want you to get hurt."

Child (whatever age): "If you love me, then you know and trust me to do the right thing."

A similar conversation can also occur between friends:

Friend 1: "Why didn't you tell me about......xxx? You know how much you mean to me."

Friend 2: "You mean a lot to me too, but sometimes there are things that's easier for me to talk about with someone who isn't as close to me as you are."

Sibling 1: "Why don't you call me, why do I always be the one to call? Don't you care about what happens in my life?"

Sibling 2: "Of course I care, and I do call you, but perhaps not as often as you would like me to."

Often when we feel that the "other" in a relationship is more "powerful" than we are, the more we seek validation from the other, but in my experience, when we do so, the result is often that we push the other further away from us rather than pull him/her closer.

Expectations, unscrutinized, can play havoc with most relationships.

Expectations, especially of the subconscious variety, are often experienced by us as "truths" or "that's just the way it is, or should be."

Example: "If you love me, then..........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

When you love someone you.........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

A friend is someone who............whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

A parent should..........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation."

And so on......

Expectations unfortunately, although they may be "truths" to us may not be "truths" to someone else.

Puller to pusher in a romantic relationship: "I always tell you how much I love you and support you, why can't you do the same for me?"

Pusher: "Why do I have to tell you this all the time, are my actions not enough to show you how much I love you?"

An open and honest conversation between the puller and pusher on what their expectations are of what they mean with expressions of love could be very helpful in bringing them to a deeper understanding of what each others needs are and how to best express them that works for both.

In my view, because our expectations feel so "true" to us, we often have a tendency not to vocalize them.

Parent, have you ever asked your child/children what he/she/they expect from you?

Friend, have you ever asked your friend what he/she expects from you?

Child, have you ever told your parents what you expect from them?

Lover, have you ever asked your lover what he/she expects from you?

I read somewhere this definition of a genuine/authentic relationship:

"In a genuine relationship, differences are appreciated and cherished as is acceptance, flexibility, transparency, honesty, compassion, fairness, equality and reliability."

My understanding of relationships is that they are not static in nature, they keep changing and evolving in step with the experiences (and understanding and interpretations of those experiences)

each person in a relationship go through in life.

Puller one minute, pusher the next, and back and forth we pendulate.

It occurs to me now that I have not mentioned a very important ingredient in relationships,... love.

The kinds of relationships I have been talking about in this post are relationships which have at its core for all intents and purposes, ..... love.

But what is love?

Seems to me that the definition of what love is is another term with many, many, different interpretations, perceptions and expectations.

Let me offer you one: 

"Love is an essence that is omnidirectional and outward directed with benevolence at its core."

(Citizen Z)

Taking beauty seriously is serious business.....

                                    

Georgia O'Keeffe, an American painter, painted numerous large paintings depicting flowers.

Flowers? Why? I thought as I flicked through a book of her works.

"What's so interesting about flowers?" I muttered under my breath as I flicked through page after page.

Then.....I got it.

Benevolence and beauty just seemed to ooze off the paintings.

I connected with something in those paintings and since then my view of flowers has changed dramatically.

So, what according to evolution theory is the purpose of flowers?

Darwin himself wrote: "flowering plants are an abominable mystery".

In our quite utilitarian existence, do flowers actually have a purpose?

Besides some of them being beautiful to look at and smelling rather nice, 

do we really need them?

(Painters through the ages seem to have a penchant for painting them, but honestly, how many paintings of flowers does humanity really need?)

Pollination is an essential ecological function, actually, without pollinators the human race and all of Earth's terrestrial ecosystem wouldn't survive, so says those in the know, so I guess flowers are important.

I guess flowers are important for different human celebrations too, I mean, imagine a wedding or funeral without flowers, they come in handy for Valentine's day, and they do "pretty" up a garden, not to mention how awesome a field of flowering daisies, poppies, and daffodils can look.

If you have ever been to the Netherlands, thousands of different coloured tulips can be quite the sight as well.

But here's what struck me about those large Georgia O'Keeffe's paintings......the benevolence of them.

With so much malevolence about; wars, earthquakes, poverty, starvation, conflict, etc.etc. perhaps the existence of something beautiful and totally benevolent sharing these turbulent times with us can offer us a small measure of comfort?

Running low on finding a job opportunity, one day, in desperation I walked into a florist shop and asked what one needed to be able to get a job in a florist shop.

"Actually" the nice florist said "you need four years of study and a certificate".

Wow. I was flummoxed.

Flowers are  serious business obviously.

As I stood there in the shop among all the incredibly beautiful flowers dressed in the most gloriously coloured petals with their rich fragrances, for the first time in my life I really got how important  beauty is for the human soul.

Us humans are able to contribute beauty as well of course, but, much of what our human hands touch seem to end up rather tainted and less beautiful somehow.

In order to be able to really appreciate beauty for itself, sometimes it may be necessary to let go of pragmatism and utilitarian thinking and just be swept up, and drawn in, by the exhilarating experience of beauty.

In spite of ourselves, nature is still out there, providing for us so much benevolence and beauty that all we need to do, is to open our eyes and hearts and really see it.

A hero? Nah, just a flawed human being who gives a damn......

Do we need heroes? 

For some of us Julian Assange may be a hero, others may view him as a traitor. For some of us John F. Kennedy may be a hero, others may view him as a womanizing, and politically ambivalent "do-gooder". The category of what we may deem as "heroes" may include: movie stars, sports stars, musicians, authors, scientists, etc.etc. although, I have a feeling that it may be harder now than before to be a hero in today's media savvy world. Anyone with a mobile(cell)phone is potentially a photo journalist.  In a few seconds a "hero's" darkest secrets can be posted on the net for millions of people to view and it only takes an instant for their hero status to be demolished, conversely, .....a hero can also be discovered the same way.

Perhaps heroes belong to the Comic Book/Film/Anime realm, and not so much to the human domain? I have a feeling that in the Comic Book/Film/Anime realm, characters can be flawless, consistently well-meaning and benevolent far easier than characters in the human domain, because in my experience, humans are often complicated, flawed, and inconsistent in their behaviour.

Flawed and inconsistent however, does not mean that humans are not capable of performing heroic acts. Many heroic acts have been chronicled, recorded, filmed, etc. verifying how at times a human being can rise above his/her fears and with reckless abandon do something extraordinary (heroic) just because....."it was the right thing to do", "he/she needed me to"  "it just felt right".... "who else was gonna do it?"....."I am not sure what made me do it, I just knew I had to".....etc.

In the world of fantasy, Super heroes often come equipped with "super" powers of different kinds, and these super powers make it possible for the super heroes to perform super feats. Often these super powers are qualities many of us humans probably would like to have: x-ray vision, super strength, being able to fly, being able to "time travel", become invisible, etc.etc. but unfortunately, these super powers mostly belong in the world of fantasy. The thing is, .....for a Super Hero to perform an act of heroism is in my view not nearly as impressive as when a flawed, inconsistent, and complicated human being risks his/her life in order to save someone else. I am even going to go as far as to suggest here that there are even professions in which risking their lives for others daily is a job requirement, such as: soldiers, firemen, police, first "responders" of varying kinds, etc.etc. .......it is a long list.

I asked a friend how he would define the word hero and his answer was: a protector, a saviour.

"A saviour? How do you mean? Save us from what?" I asked.

"Hmmm....I'm not sure, ourselves perhaps?"

Luckily for him his phone rang so he was "saved by the bell".....

and I was left to ponder the answer by myself.

Do we need a hero to swoop in and save mankind from itself? If so, what kind of super power would he/she need?

If the hero had the power of being able to see into the future (time travel) and that future entailed the demise of the earths atmosphere, plants and animals dying, and the air and water so polluted that it would become dangerous for humans to consume, would we even listen to what he/she had to say?

Hang on, there are already "heroes" telling us this...they are called scientists, environmentalists, and political/social commentators. 

 Maybe they are not heroes per se, but in my view, they are definitely courageous in their pursuit of trying to alert us to what may come if we fail to recognize the danger-signs that our planet is sending us. 

Pondering this, I am wondering if perhaps the time is here for each of us to find our "hidden/inner" heroes (protectors) and ask ourselves what we can contribute that may be beneficial to the planet we all share.

A few suggestions:

turn off the tap when you brush your teeth and use a glass of water,

turn off the engine rather than letting it idle for prolonged periods of time,

refill your water bottle with tap water 

recycle what you can,

if your'e feeling cold, grab a blanket or sweatshirt,

if your'e feeling hot, open the windows, use a fan, set the aircon to 26 degrees cel,

carpool, ride a bike, take the bus, train, tram,

wash your clothes with cold water, etc.

Here's my thinking, which you may or may not share: 

do we need heroes?

Nah, we need to care about things, people and the environment in which we live, and at times that may require from us to perform "heroic" acts of some kind or another, but that's okay, because flawed and inconsistent as us humans may be, I believe that we are also capable of great acts of compassion and benevolence.

If we could view humans through they eyes of an animal, what would we see?

When I was in my last years of high school, I was a member of a "Cinematheque", a film club, and had developed quite a serious "cinema" addiction. I would skip school, take the train in to Stockholm, and spend days upon days watching movie after movie at the Cinematheque (in Swedish known as "Filmhuset"). The Cinematheque was basically a "film-school" for people studying different aspects of movie making with the goal of eventually finding work in the movie industry, which meant that there were many different movies showing constantly. (I would often view at least three or four movies in a day.)  Of all the movies I viewed there, one of them made such an impact on me that I have never forgotten it. Since the title was in Russian, (please forgive me for not remembering it)

and it was a Russian made film with subtitles, what I can tell you, is what the movie was about.

Shot as through the eyes of a horse, it told the story of that horse's experience of its life.

From being born until its death, I, the viewer, was that horse.

When the horse was whipped, I felt the pain of every lashing, when the horse was pulling impossibly heavy loads that strained the horse's muscles to breaking point, I felt the pain and the exhaustion, when the horse was ridden by men digging their hard boots into the horse's body, I felt the pain and the humiliation, when the horse was hungry and thirsty and given no rest, I felt the horse's ache and fatigue, when the horse was pulling a cannon through one battle field after the other, I felt the horse's fear and confusion, and when it was injured by rifle fire, I felt the searing pain as the bullets ripped through its body.

As the horse fell to the ground, confused, scared and "screaming" with pain, it was "me" laying on the ground screaming, panicked and fighting to stay alive.

Through the eyes of the horse as it lay there on the ground, I saw the "two-leggeds" running around shouting, firing guns, and pushing their bayonets through the flesh of other horses and other two-leggeds.

Then black. 

I felt numb, I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt ashamed to be a human being.

I couldn't move, I just sat there.

Suddenly. The screen lit up. Brilliant white.

Slowly things came in to focus.

"Up, up", a two-legged urged the horse.

Final scene: 

A panoramic view of a horse slowly and carefully walking toward an open field to join the other horses already there, grazing.

(I have searched for that movie for many years, but unfortunately I have not been able to find it.)

"We are far more likely to be harmed by our fellow man than our fellow animals, yet we call animals wild and dangerous and we call man advanced and civilized."

(Anthony Douglas Williams)

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."

(Gandhi)

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the "Universe", a part limited in time and space.

He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.

Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." (A. Einstein)

Have you ever watched a horse running free and unfettered by humans demands and expectations?

I find it to be a joyous and wonderful experience.

On the impermanence of life...do what you need to do...Now

Two days ago my son and I lost a dear friend. It wasn't unexpected, our friend had been fighting the good fight for many hard years....yet....it still hurts.

As much as we may try to prepare ourselves for loss; people, jobs, pets, children, etc. etc., I still can't help but wonder if it is at all possible, or if it is even a good idea, to try to prepare ourselves for the potential loss of someone or something that is important, dear, to us.

When we buy fresh flowers, we do so even though we know that eventually the flowers will whither and die. Why? Because while they are still alive they bring us joy. Why bother with listening to music? Eventually the music will end. Because while listening to the music it brings us joy. Why spending hours cooking a delicious meal? It only ends up in the stomach regardless. Because while eating it, it brings us joy. Why bothering with investing time and effort into doing things that has no monetary reward attached to the efforts? Because while investing time and effort into doing things we enjoy, we experience a sense of joy.

A painting, such as the above, is often called a "still life" painting, and my guess is that most "still life" paintings are paintings of inanimate objects. I personally really love the term "still life" because for many of us life often includes moments when life is the very opposite: turbulent, violent, chaotic, fractious, complicated, stormy, noisy, and very animated.

When we go through such times it can be difficult to find even the smallest measure of inner stillness from which we can draw strength and a spirit of resolve to weather the difficulties we are faced with.

It seems to be the case, that at times before we have even had the time to process one turbulent and emotionally draining event, here comes the next one...... We fumble, we stumble, we search for words to soothe and explain, we seek advice, we seek reasonable answers, we long for a safe harbor into which we can withdraw (if even just for a few minutes) in order to be able to find some stillness and calm. 

Being alive it seems, is risky business fraught with hurdles, obstacles, hoops to jump through, mountains to climb, stormy seas to conquer, deserts to endure, and "monsters" of many a kind to do battle with. And yet, considering the ability of a single blade of grass to be able to grow through a thick layer of asphalt, I can't help but be amazed at the strength of the life force in that blade of grass. 

Or the life force in a crack baby who is born an addict yet manages to cling to life and overcome terrifying withdrawals and other life threatening side effects, or the life force in plants of many different kinds managing to grow and flourish in impossible places, or the life force driving tiny little turtles to valiantly struggle their way to the ocean in spite of a number of predators just waiting to devour them.

When we lose someone or something that is of great importance to us, this often has a tendency to make us think, evaluate, and take stock of what we consider to matter the most to us in life.

Suddenly the impermanence and transitory nature/aspect of life/living becomes very real.

We are reminded that we too one day will become "stardust", as my son puts it.

This reminder of the impermanence of life, although difficult to come to grips with for some of us and often quite painful, can actually also be quite helpful.

"Don't put off until tomorrow those things you know you need to do today."

If you need to find some inner stillness, go find some...now

If you need a safe harbor, go find one.......now

If you need to say sorry to someone, do it....now

If you need to tell someone you care about them, do it.....now

If you need to forgive someone, do it....now

If you need to spend more time with someone, make a date.....now

If you have something to say to someone, do it....now

The NOW is all that we have.

"Nothing in the world is permanent, and we are foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we're still more foolish not to delight in it while we have it."

(W. Somerset Maugham)

Letting go of regrets.........

A man stands at the waters edge watching the waves roll in as the sun is slowly setting.

His heart is heavy, his demeanor solemn, and his body language oozing defeat.

Although he is surrounded by beauty; a scintillating clear blue ocean, palm trees gently dancing in rhythm with the wind, and the air filled with the sound of birds singing, ......he however remains un-affected and un-connected regardless of how hard nature tries to entice him into a dialogue.

And he remains so because regrets have ceased his heart, mind, and soul to such an extent that he has become oblivious to life and living as it unfolds in the present.

Regrets. Many of us have them. 

Psychology tells us that "regret is a negative cognitive/emotional state that involves blaming ourselves  (and here I would like to add my own bit:) and or others for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss and sorrow over what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made."

The thing is however, we can't undo choices we made in the past no matter how much we ruminate,

because whether we like it or not, self-blame and or other-blame, and wishful thinking, cannot change one single thing in our past. (I would hazard a guess that although we may know this to be true, most of us probably still go through times when we "sink" into bouts of regret.)

When we speculate about how things could have been "if we had only.....",  more often than not we forget to take into account that even if we had acted/behaved differently, there is no way of knowing for sure that the outcome would have been "better", only that it would have been different.

During my last year of music studies, I was offered a number of wonderful and potentially amazing opportunities to further my career in music, but I turned them all down because all I wanted to do was to become a jazz pianist/composer. My friends told me that I was crazy to turn down such opportunities and although I at times have speculated as to what I may have "missed out on", I have never regretted my decision to pursue (and eventually fulfilling) my dream of becoming a jazz musician/composer.

Regrets belong to the past, but life, happens in the now, and it is in the now that we have the opportunity to make choices that have outcomes that are congruous with our core values.

Hot temper, a short fuse, jealousy, frustration, anger and other intense emotions can at times affect our behaviour in such ways that we may find ourselves acting and or behaving without thinking or considering the outcomes of our actions, and only when the "storm" has blown over are we able to see the "fall-out". We are then faced with either taking ownership and responsibility for our behaviour, or not....some of us may prefer to engage in the "blame game" = blaming others for our behaviour. "He/she/they made me so angry, frustrated, jealous, etc.etc. and that's why I behaved the way I did."

Or, we pretend that nothing happened....and push our feelings into our bag of "deal with later issues".

The thing with "later" however, is that sometimes "later" may be too late.

If we said or did something in the heat of a moment that we later feel bad about, we can chose to apologize and ask for forgiveness, because doing so often tend to ease feelings of guilt and regret.

When my son was born I decided that I would always apologize if I lost my temper with him, or if I judged his actions without first letting him explain, or if I was not paying proper attention to his needs. You guessed it, I have had to apologize many, many, times.......but you know what.....and this is fantastic.....my son does the same. 

The longer we put off apologizing when we say or do hurtful things, the harder it seems to become to

do it, so in my view, apologizing as soon as we know that we have hurt someone, intentionally or not, the less will be the regrets that we carry inside of us.

Sometimes, on the other hand, the person we may need to forgive in order to get past a regret may be ourselves. Hindsight is 20/20 vision, so they say, and at times we make choices and decisions that as time passes may prove not to have been the "best" ones, but if we own the choices we have made or make, and learn from them (even-though they were not the best ones), then we have gained valuable insight for future choice and decision making. 

Regrets, like all emotions, have a function for survival, so say those in the know. Regret, is our brain telling us to take another look at the choices we make by reminding us of the potential negative and or undesired consequences that may follow. Whatever regrets we may have, it can be helpful to write them down and sort them by deciding which of them we can do something about to set right, and which ones we may not be able to affect any change to. 

If nothing can be done, try to let go, forgive yourself, embrace the lesson and move forward.

"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future."

(Steve Maraboli)

Making sense is easy....or not.

Mark Rothko, is an American painter who is mostly known for his "colour field" paintings. Colour field paintings are usually painted on very large canvases as in 4x4 meters for instance, they are not figurative, as in they are not depicting a recognizable "something", and when Mark Rothko was asked: "What do you paint?" He answered: "I paint emotions".

Some of us may view a Mark Rothko painting and think "anybody could paint this, what's the big deal?" but for some of us, (this includes me) his paintings instantly connects with us on an emotional level, and for some of us, his paintings even manages to touch a part of us we may not even have a word for.

(The above painting is of course not a painting made by Mark Rothko. I decided to experiment with the possibility of making a colour field painting with inks and acrylics on water colour paper, and this is the the result of that experiment.)

For many of us, making sense of what we experience, is often important so that when we are faced with something such as a painting, a situation, a behaviour, etc. that seems to make no sense, instinctively our brains begin to seek for "reasonable" (in our view) explanations.

Brain: "what is this painting about? I don't get it, its just some paint on a canvas, there doesn't even seem to be any skill involved, is there even a meaning to it, and if so, how am I supposed to figure that out? Nah, this painting makes no sense."

"Divorce??What? She never said anything, why didn't she say something? This doesn't make any sense, it's not like her at all."

"Why am I always the one to pick up the pieces? There are others that are much better at this than me, I just can't make sense out of why I am always the chosen one."

I have a feeling that at some point in our lives most of us have asked: "Why is this happening to me, why me, what did I do to deserve this? It makes no sense."

In these enlightened and technologically whiz-bang days, in my view, we have grown accustomed to being able to find what we may consider reasonable explanations and answers to many complex and bewildering questions so when we are faced with: "sometimes things just don't make sense" this is an answer that can be very hard for us to digest.

When we say: "This makes no sense"... are we saying: "I don't understand this" or "this has no meaning"?

Or when we are saying "this makes no sense" are we perhaps saying "I don't understand this therefore it makes no sense to me and so I see no meaning in it?"

What we consider to "make sense" in my view has a lot to do with our personal experiences and how we interpret those experiences, our cultural backgrounds, our belief systems, and our upbringing.

"I always check that all my doors and windows are locked before I go to bed because once when I forgot to do so, someone broke in and stole some of my things, so for me, it makes sense to always check that everything is locked up at night." "I was involved in a whirlwind romance once which ended just as quickly as it began, so it makes sense for me to not rush into relationships because that way I can  avoid unnecessary heart ache." "I am not interested in art so therefore it makes no sense for me to go to concerts or galleries."

For someone who loves the outdoors, sitting inside and reading a book on a bright sunny day probably makes little/no sense. For someone who loves socializing, staying at home and spending "alone-time" probably makes little/no sense. For someone who prefers to keep their cards close to their chest, sharing their inner thoughts and feelings with someone probably makes little/no sense.

And vice versa.

What we consider to "make sense" it seems to me, is more often than not, coloured by subjectivity and the depth of our understanding of the world we live in and its inhabitants.

By expanding our understanding, we gain insight, and by gaining insight what we may have previously have considered as making no sense, can begin to make sense.

Mark Rothko: "A painting is not a picture of an experience, but is the experience."

"The most interesting painting is one that expresses more of what one thinks then of what one sees."

"A picture lives by companionship, expanding and quickening in the eyes of the sensitive observer."

The importance of touch.......

Some of us are more relaxed about physical contact than others. For some of us a hug, a gentle tap on the shoulder, or a quick embrace comes easy and feels like a natural thing to do when we see someone who seem to be experiencing some form of distress. Some of us on the other hand, may have complicated and confusing emotions when it comes to expressing compassion and or care through physical contact.

In my experience, there are times in life when words just aren't enough when it comes to comforting someone in distress, no matter how sincere and heartfelt the words.

Sometimes we just need to be "touched". And when I say touched, I mean touched not in a manipulative or calculating way, but in a "I am here with you to help you through this" kind of way.

Don't tell me everything's gonna be okay,

 things will get better, tomorrow's another day.

Coz as true as those words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

Don't tell me you know just what I feel,

or that broken hearts, they always heal.

Coz as true as those words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

Don't tell me to forget bad days gone by,

though such advice is worth a try.

Coz as true as those words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

Don't tell me my experience is not unique,

many hearts are broken every day every week.

Coz as true as those words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

I know you mean well with what you say

you're trying to help me get thru the day.

As true as your words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

(Citizen Z)

"Sometimes I think that a moment of touching may be the difference between utter despair and the ability to carry on."

(Eleanor Cameron)

Courage and bravery can be learned........

(Just in case you are wondering what on earth this image is supposed to be; (but please feel free to have your own interpretation)..... this is the view from under a Dandelion before its seeds have flown.)

Bravery, is often referred to as an admirable quality in a person in most or perhaps even in all, cultures. What a person has to do in order to be considered a brave person however, in my view probably involves a number of variables.

As is often the case with many words, our definitions of words are commonly influenced by our own experiences, belief-systems and biases, so let me offer a few definitions for bravery: courage, valor, being able to show mental and or moral strength in the face of danger.

For me, bravery means staring straight into the center of something one is scared off, (whatever that may be), but instead of trying to avoid it, walk around it, under it, over it, or ignore it......one "walks" right at it.

Tomorrow, I will have to do just that when I go to see my doctor...... because finally my biopsy results have come back. Until I have actually been given the results, like Schrodingers cat experiment; the results are neither bad nor good, they are both.....(I am thinking however, that if they were really bad, they would probably have contacted me by now, so regardless of not knowing, I can still chose to be optimistic.)

Such is not the case for someone my son and I have known for years. Our friend has battled with cancers of varying kinds for many, many years, and now, other life threatening medical issues have popped up. The way he has coped, and still copes with all his health battles, as well as life's curve balls, is for me the very epitome of a behaviour that constitutes being a "brave" person.

Nelson Mandela: "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man (woman) is not he (she) who does not feel afraid, but he (she) who conquers that fear."

Most of us will at times face things, events, people, etc. that evoke fear in us and we will have to decide how to deal with it. There are options: denial, put it on hold, avoid, put it in the "too hard" basket, minimize the size of the issue, and so on,... or face it; investigate options on how to deal with it, seek assistance and guidance from a professional, talk over the problem/issue(s) with a friend or family member, etc.etc.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway" suggests Susan Jeffers. Well, at times this can be quite difficult, although when it comes to dealing with fears that interferes and cripples our quality of life, it is probably good/useful advice. A little analogy: Learning to drive a car (manual) can at first be quite scary for some of us, but if we want the freedom of movement that being able to drive a car offers us, we have to face our fears one by one, and then with practice....  driving suddenly seem to have become almost second nature. 

Most of us experience anxiousness to some degree when we learn or deal with new things/experiences/events/people, but the good news is that more often than not, each time we overcome that anxiousness and forge ahead, a sense of achievement and empowerment follows.

Is it possible that perhaps with "practice" we can become "braver" human beings? 

In my view, the answer is Yes.

"Lifehacker" has this to say: 

                                            1. Be terrified of something

                                            2. Do it anyway

                         3. Be moderately less scared than when you do it the first time

                                            4. Repeat

Another alternative:           1. Be terrified of something

                                           2. Do nothing

                                           3. Still be terrified

There may be much we have little power to change, but one thing we DO have the power to change is our attitude, how we chose to view things, and how we chose to respond to events and experiences in our lives.

About the image: A little colour added to our lives can make a big difference

Beauty resides in the mind........

Flicking through channels on the box (foxtel), suddenly one after the other grotesque image of faces distorted by plastic surgery filled the screen.

(It looked painful, so painful that I could almost feel the pain.)

Pictures of before and after surgery were placed next to each other, followed by interviews with the "patients" who tearfully spoke of how the surgery had "destroyed" their lives.

I know very little about plastic surgery, but I know that in some cases plastic surgery is performed due to patients suffering with severe burns, dis-figuration caused by an accident or a physical altercation, and or other medical issues, and so on. But, such was not the premise for the program that I was watching, the premise for the program (as I understood it) was to tell a story about "patients" who had undergone plastic surgery, not due to a medical issue, but because they were not happy with the way they looked.

Their lips were too thin, their jawline too weak, their ears too big, their nose too big, too small, too crooked, too straight, too bulbous, their eyebrows not thick enough or too thick, their cheekbones too protruding or not defined enough, their skin too wrinkly, their crows-feet too pronounced, their eyelids too heavy, and etc.etc.

 These patients, as I understood it, were motivated to have plastic surgery much due to an underlying belief that "good-looking" = happiness, better opportunities, a better life.

Whether it is true/correct that good looks ensures happiness and a better life I am not so sure of, but what I am sure of and know to be true (judging by statistics) is that the pursuit of "good looks" is a mega dollar industry. 

Roger Moore, who played James Bond in many films, was once asked if he considered himself good looking to which he answered: "Good looking? I don't know about that, but I guess I do have rather symmetrical features."

Bombarded as we are in most western societies by image after image defining for us how we have to look in order to be described as good looking/attractive/beautiful, I am not surprised that so many of us feel/think that we just don't measure up. Hook, line and sinker, we swallow the bait and rather than bristle and defiantly question the definition served up to us, many of carry with us the feeling that we just don't measure up in the "beauty/good looking" department. 

A little analogy: "A house may look beautiful on the outside, but unless there is some light and furniture inside of it, the exterior beauty is not enough to make the house a home."

An oyster may be "ugly" on the outside but within, it holds a precious pearl.

I once worked in a band with a guy who was very good looking, women used to chase after him, give him their phone numbers and proposition him virtually every time we did a gig. I assumed he loved all the attention....until one night when for whatever reason he decided to talk to me about it. 

Much to my surprise he told me that "it was fun in the beginning, but not anymore." "I feel cheap, men can feel cheap too after too many one-night-stands. The women who proposition me, they don't want to know me, they just see a good looking guy on a stage and being with me is not about me, it's about how they feel about themselves having been with me, a musician. I am just a feather in the cap."

According to him, his good looks was more of a deterrent to finding love rather than the opposite.

Whoever said : "Perception is everything",  in my view offers a great insight.

Stephen Hawking, regardless of his physical limitations, to many of us may still seem "beautiful", Joseph Merrick, aka the Elephant man, to those who knew him, was considered a "beautiful" person regardless of his deformed body, as they say: "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."

Our ideals for what we mean with good-looking/attractive/beautiful varies: factors such as tradition, culture, peer pressure, media, exposure, etc.etc. plays a big role in influencing our perceptions. 

Even so, in my experience, once we get to really know somebody and enjoy being with them, our perceptions often change. As we get to love and cherish somebody, looks matter less and less, and who they are as human beings matter more and more. 

Come to think of it, I think this extends to most living creatures. The flea bitten mutt, the scrawny tabby, the turtle with only three legs, the horse with a limp, the black sheep....they are all worthy of being loved. And so are you, whether your lips are too thin (in your view), your butt too big, your nose too crooked, your ears too narrow, etc.etc.

A good looking person can have a mean personality, a beautiful runway model a haughty temperament,

a handsome movie star a cold heart, etc.etc.

Whether we consider ourselves handsome, good looking or visually pleasing, in my view is in the long run less important than whether we consider ourselves as "good" people, because like it or not,

beauty is fleeting but a beautiful soul and mind, and a compassionate disposition lingers even after we have ceased to do so.

Go on, embrace yourself....warts and all.....and others will too.

"Beauty is not in the face; it is a light in the heart."

(Kahil Gibran)

about the painting: a "perfect" face is not about measurements, it is about .......

How our associations to words influence us..........

According to some research, some words are more "powerful" than others and two of the most powerful words are "love" and "peace". How exactly this may be measured, I don't really know, but what I do know, is that I would like to add a word, and that word is "hospital".

Most of us begin our lives in a hospital, and for many of us, this is also where our life-journey's end.

Right now, I am sitting in a Starbucks in a large Hospital, sipping coffee and trying to chew my way through an awful wrap which seem to consist of mainly mushy pumpkin, some other indistinguishable veggis, and a whole lot of un-digestible pumpkin seeds.

My son has been called to the hospital to have yet another fMRI, a procedure which usually takes about one hour or so, so it's up to me to find something to do to pass the time.

I decide to buy a cheap notebook and get a head start on my next blog post. After staring at the blank page for ages, it suddenly dawns on me to write about hospitals, after all, I have spent many, many, long hours in hospitals since I was very young.

For some of us, the word hospital may invoke all sorts of anxieties, flashbacks, scary or happy memories, joyful or sorrowful events, etc.etc., but for others, the word may just be one of many ordinary words. In my case, the word hospital often brings associations with both fear and comfort and emotions ranging from despair to relief, so I guess perhaps I could say that the word in my case, comes with "attachments".

Pondering these attachments I suddenly have a flashback: I am 12 years old and on the other side of a hospital door with a glass window in it, stands my brother. We are not allowed to touch due to the risk of infection, so we put our hands against the glass, look at each other silently, while our hearts whisper I love you. That was the last time I saw him, not much later he died in the hospital. He was 14 years old. 

Somebody suddenly shouts: double shot latte, skim milk! and in an instant I am transported back to the here and now. Although I have only had a few bites of the wrap, I decide to throw it away. 

I still have some coffee left, so I return to my seat after I have thrown away the wrap and then proceed to do my best to swallow all the emotions that the flashback has stirred up. 

This proves impossible. One after the other of flashbacks from times when I have found myself in a hospital waiting room hijacks my mind. The birth of my son, my son's first life threatening asthma attack at 13 months old, followed on by the 2nd attack, 3rd, 4th, and so on....not until in his mid teenage years did it slow down. Hospital, when my son constantly had to be hospitalized, was a word of comfort, a word signifying hope and survival. And then......the turbulence of finding his own way in the world began. "This is doctor Smith, from the ABC hospital, do you have a son by the name of...xyz? He needs emergency surgery and we need your consent..." I threw myself in the car and drove to the hospital with reckless abandon and eventually found myself once again in a waiting room, anxious, scared, yet also comforted by my trust in the surgeon at the hospital to be able to see my son through. Okay, I need to stop these flashbacks and their attachments now, I still have another 25 minutes to wait and I want to be calm and collected when my son has finished his fMRI.

I decide to clock up some steps on my "stepping-gadget" by walking up and down the corridors at the hospital. I toss the empty coffee container in the trash and take off.

That was a few days ago, I am now sitting at my computer. 

We have not been given any results by the hospital as to what they found on the fMRI, only another appointment. We do know however, that my son has tumors that need to be removed and that he will have to have some delicate surgery done. So, more waiting rooms, more hospital visits, and more worry. 

But hey, considering the fact that there are so many people who do not have access to hospitals (for a varied number of reasons), or that there are people who live in war torn countries where hospitals are targets used as a mean to exert control, or that there are people who can't access hospitals due to crazy healthcare systems, etc.etc., it may be worthwhile pondering how fortunate those of us are who have access to hospitals when and or if we need it. (This of course includes me)

Have you ever been asked to do a "word-association" test?

If not, then basically it is a method of trying to understand/gain insight into people's personality traits and mental functions by asking people to respond to words by giving as a response the first words that springs to mind. Examples: blue, red, white= a flag, green, legs, slimy=a frog, nurse, pain, bed=hospital...and so on.

In my opinion, most of us are involved with "word-association" most everyday, although we are mostly unaware of doing so. For me the word hospital triggers a lot of other words, but not only words, but also memories, emotions, events, and so on. ("Attachments")

Word-association, in my view, can at times be helpful to help us find a path to follow in order to understand our feeling-responses to some words and some word combinations. 

Here are some other "powerful" words that can evoke strong responses: religion, God, politics, poverty, suffering, right/wrong, truth, etc.etc ......

For one person suffering may be associated with their own experiences, for another it may be associated with someone else going through suffering, for one person dentist may be associated with fear and trepidation, for another person it may be associated with good dental hygiene, and so on.

Being able to communicate and understand each other well is often assisted/helped by us understanding our associations with words that trigger strong emotional responses in us and others.

For me the word hospital has a lot of associations, can you think of a word that has a lot of associations for you?

I think you may be surprised at all the words that may come tumbling out once you allow yourself to just let them flow freely.......:)

"He showed the word "chocolate cake" to a group of Americans and recorded their word associations. "Guilt" was the top response. If that strikes you as unexceptional, consider the response of French eaters to the same prompt: "celebration"."
(Michael Pollan)

"Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour"....the power of words

Have you ever experienced times when it seemed as if out of nowhere

suddenly your thoughts had been hi-jacked? Your in bed, almost asleep, up pops a thought..."did I lock the back door? what did he/she mean when he/she said...?  what if ......?  did I turn off the....? etc.etc.

The other night I was awakened by a loud thud coming from my neighbour's unit. Since they had supposedly moved out, I was perplexed as to what was making all the racket at 2:30 in the morning.

My mind was racing. "Thought-bandits" hi-jacked my thinking. Maybe my neighbours had moved out their stuff in order to make space for a meth-lab? (Apparently this happens) Maybe some thieves had broken in and were stealing whatever stuff was still left in the unit? (This happened here in this complex not long ago) What if someone was hurt? A rapid-fire of thoughts and memories of past nocturnal traumatic events flooded my mind. 

How much control to we have over our thoughts? More to the point, where do thoughts actually come from? Apparently, according to Yohan John, NeuroScience PhD, thoughts come from "everywhere and nowhere" and sometimes just "pop up". Huh?  Well, he also says that thoughts come from neural processes and they come from everywhere, as in, the forms and dynamics of thoughts are influenced by everything that has a causal connection with us. (Although science may one day say something else, for now, thoughts for all intents and purposes, are made up of words/language.)

So thoughts are made up of words...so, what are words then made of, or more succinct: what are words?

Wikipedia: "Words are thought(?) of as the smallest meaningful unit of speech that can stand by themselves."

By now you may have come to the conclusion (like me) that thoughts and words both belong to the "we don't really know what they are and or how to efficiently explain them" category.

What we do know on the other hand is that thoughts and the words that make up our thoughts, play a very important part in our lives. We may not have all that much control over some thoughts, as in thoughts that seem to just pop up out of nowhere, but how we respond to the thoughts we have, this we do have the possibility to control to a large extent.

Once a thought grab ahold of us, it can be hard to let it go of it even if we recognize that the thought is making us anxious and or upset. Thoughts are often connected to emotions/feelings, images, past experiences, and one word can at times trigger a flood of different emotions. Although, so can a sound, a smell, an event, etc. (Some say that a smell can be a very powerful memory trigger.) For people who suffer with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or compulsive obsessive disorder, recognizing their "triggers" can be a very important aspect of understanding these disorders and how to find a helpful way to deal with them.

(Struggling with a mild form of PTSD myself, the smell of alcohol, or unexpected thuds in the night, are some of my triggers.)

"Now that we've found love, what are we gonna do with it" sings Heavy D, perhaps one could rephrase that and say: "Now that we have found thoughts that trigger suffering/pain/confusion/fear....what are we gonna do with them?"

Thoughts may be able to just pop up seemingly out of nowhere, but once we are aware of them, in my view, we do have an opportunity to decide how we will respond to them.

A very helpful tool (self-help tool) in my opinion, is "cognitive re-framing". Basically it is looking at an event/situation/memory from a number of different perspectives, as in, seeking alternative interpretations, perceptions, and words to define the experience. Ex: Situation: A man comes home to find his family standing on the road in front of their home burnt to the ground. Thought: I have lost everything. Feeling: sadness, anger, disillusionment, a sense of profound loss.

Same situation but with a different thought from the man. Thought: My family is safe. All I have lost can be replaced. Feeling: Relief, and a sense of gratitude that his loved ones are safe.

"As you think, so shall you become." (Bruce Lee)

And since we use words to think with, then it seems to me that the words we use to think with are very important. Ex: "People should be more considerate of others, because I am." If this is our thinking then it is possible that when people fail to match our perception of what being considerate means, we will feel disappointed/sad/disheartened. Put another way: "I am a considerate person because I believe that being considerate to others is a good thing, whether others view it the same way or not, is up to them."

I have found the phrase- "or put another way"- to be really helpful in finding alternative perspectives on how to define and interpret events/experiences/emotions, .......perhaps you may too?

If a "thought-bandit" (intrusive/maladaptive thought) comes and demands for you to hand over your thoughts, it may be helpful to remember that by changing the words that your thoughts consist of, you have the possibility to change your thoughts, and by doing so, potentially change a negative emotional response into a more positive (life-affirming) one.

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour.

Keep your behaviour positive because your behaviour becomes your habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny."

(Gandhi)