In your relationships, are you a "pusher" or a "puller"?

Before I write about the topic: "the "push and pull" in relationships",

 let me explain the image.

I have painted a token male and female figure, but the "push and pull", as I view it, often also applies to most relationships such as: between parents and children, between siblings, friends, work mates, partners, lovers, employers and employees, etc.

Some suggest that a "genuine" relationship requires transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, mutual respect, patience and understanding, and this applies to any kind of relationship.

Relationships that are founded on flexibility,  honesty, compassion, equality, fairness and collaboration, are commonly more fulfilling and rewarding than those founded on a (constant) struggle for validation and or the need for feeling and being, in control.

The" puller": "do you love me less because I love you so much?"

The "pusher": "I love you too, but sometimes your love is too much and I feel a need to distance myself."

Those very common words often lead to lengthy discussions in my experience, and often not terribly helpful, although, if both pusher and puller are flexible and open, it may deepen the affection and bond between them.

For those of us who have children the "push and pull" dynamic can be very difficult to navigate.

Parent: "I am only telling you not to do this because I love you and don't want you to get hurt."

Child (whatever age): "If you love me, then you know and trust me to do the right thing."

A similar conversation can also occur between friends:

Friend 1: "Why didn't you tell me about......xxx? You know how much you mean to me."

Friend 2: "You mean a lot to me too, but sometimes there are things that's easier for me to talk about with someone who isn't as close to me as you are."

Sibling 1: "Why don't you call me, why do I always be the one to call? Don't you care about what happens in my life?"

Sibling 2: "Of course I care, and I do call you, but perhaps not as often as you would like me to."

Often when we feel that the "other" in a relationship is more "powerful" than we are, the more we seek validation from the other, but in my experience, when we do so, the result is often that we push the other further away from us rather than pull him/her closer.

Expectations, unscrutinized, can play havoc with most relationships.

Expectations, especially of the subconscious variety, are often experienced by us as "truths" or "that's just the way it is, or should be."

Example: "If you love me, then..........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

When you love someone you.........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

A friend is someone who............whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

A parent should..........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation."

And so on......

Expectations unfortunately, although they may be "truths" to us may not be "truths" to someone else.

Puller to pusher in a romantic relationship: "I always tell you how much I love you and support you, why can't you do the same for me?"

Pusher: "Why do I have to tell you this all the time, are my actions not enough to show you how much I love you?"

An open and honest conversation between the puller and pusher on what their expectations are of what they mean with expressions of love could be very helpful in bringing them to a deeper understanding of what each others needs are and how to best express them that works for both.

In my view, because our expectations feel so "true" to us, we often have a tendency not to vocalize them.

Parent, have you ever asked your child/children what he/she/they expect from you?

Friend, have you ever asked your friend what he/she expects from you?

Child, have you ever told your parents what you expect from them?

Lover, have you ever asked your lover what he/she expects from you?

I read somewhere this definition of a genuine/authentic relationship:

"In a genuine relationship, differences are appreciated and cherished as is acceptance, flexibility, transparency, honesty, compassion, fairness, equality and reliability."

My understanding of relationships is that they are not static in nature, they keep changing and evolving in step with the experiences (and understanding and interpretations of those experiences)

each person in a relationship go through in life.

Puller one minute, pusher the next, and back and forth we pendulate.

It occurs to me now that I have not mentioned a very important ingredient in relationships,... love.

The kinds of relationships I have been talking about in this post are relationships which have at its core for all intents and purposes, ..... love.

But what is love?

Seems to me that the definition of what love is is another term with many, many, different interpretations, perceptions and expectations.

Let me offer you one: 

"Love is an essence that is omnidirectional and outward directed with benevolence at its core."

(Citizen Z)