The benefits of boundaries.......

(This image is a remake (hand painted by me) of a polish poster for the movie "To Kill a Mockingbird" that I painted as part of a series of paintings for an exhibition titled: "Cinefiend- A tribute to Movie poster Art.")

 To Kill a Mockingbird is about a man standing up against injustice and prejudice regardless of the cost to himself and his family. In the face of opposition and threats, he stays true to his beliefs and core values, and he does so with integrity and dignity.

In view of news report after news report on men behaving badly in Hollywood, and now also here in Australia with disclosures of TV personalities behaving equally badly, I can't help but wonder....are there no Atticus Finches (the man in the movie) around any more?

Is the current way of thinking: a crime is only a crime if one is caught? is a behaviour only "bad" if it is disclosed? is the miss-use of power only abuse of power if the people who are at the brunt of that miss-use of power speak up? what about systemic bullying? is it only deemed bullying if there is a "blood trail"?

Here's my quandary: here we are, supposedly able to hear the remnants of the sound of the "big bang", inching our way closer and closer to a possible conclusion/solution/equation of the "Theory of Everything", yet,  .....so many of us still behave "badly" in spite of all our so called progress. 

What do I mean with "badly" you may ask.

For me it means taking advantage, bullying, harassing someone, consciously behaving in a way one knows and understands will cause harm, behaving in a malicious manner, etc.etc.

(Basically, causing someone psychological and or physical pain in pursuit of satisfying one's own wants.)

Behaving badly in my view, often entails ignoring and or disrespecting boundaries, those others have, but also our own. Boundaries, as I view it, define how and what we communicate, basically they provide the parameters of what we expect from ourselves and others, even perhaps what we expect from life.

Often our boundaries are experienced as "self-evident", but as far as I can ascertain, boundaries vary from person to person and what one person may experience as a self-evident boundary may not be a boundary at all for someone else.

A boundary can be: physical, emotional, mental, material.

Physical: personal space as in how much space you need around yourself to feel comfortable and safe, who can touch you; where, when, how.

Emotional: differentiation between yourself and others, awareness of your feelings, your choices, and knowing within yourself where your responsibilities begins and ends

Mental: knowing what constitutes your belief system as in your core values, thoughts and opinions.

Material: what you will lend someone, books, DVD's etc. but also "time" as in amount of tardiness that you are okay with.

These are just some examples, but perhaps it may be a helpful exercise for us to actually ponder what our boundaries are now and then, because in my experience, they can and often do, change.

One aspect of boundaries that I believe to be important is how we explain to others that we feel that they have crossed one (or more) of our boundaries.

In my experience, explaining calmly, clearly, and precisely that a boundary that you have has been crossed, usually has the most favourable outcome. "Excuse me, but would you mind stepping back a little, I feel uncomfortable with you standing so close, ...or...   Excuse me, but would you mind not touching me all the time, it makes me feel uncomfortable, ...or...Excuse me, but would you mind not speaking so loudly, it makes me feel uncomfortable"..etc.etc.

(In some cultures speaking fast and loud, touching and gesticulating is the norm, but if you feel uncomfortable with it, tell the person so in a non-aggressive way.)

If you feel that someone is disrespecting, belittling, manipulating, or bullying you in any way, tell him or her, because sometimes even though it may be scary, we just have to stand up for ourselves/our core values and make our boundaries "visible" for others.

All of us are capable of behaving "badly" at times, but here's the good news: we can make sure we don't do it again, because behaving badly hurts not just others but ourselves as well.

"Just because everyone is behaving like a clown doesn't mean you have to join the circus."

(Matshona Dhliwayo)

In your relationships, are you a "pusher" or a "puller"?

Before I write about the topic: "the "push and pull" in relationships",

 let me explain the image.

I have painted a token male and female figure, but the "push and pull", as I view it, often also applies to most relationships such as: between parents and children, between siblings, friends, work mates, partners, lovers, employers and employees, etc.

Some suggest that a "genuine" relationship requires transparency, vulnerability, reciprocity, mutual respect, patience and understanding, and this applies to any kind of relationship.

Relationships that are founded on flexibility,  honesty, compassion, equality, fairness and collaboration, are commonly more fulfilling and rewarding than those founded on a (constant) struggle for validation and or the need for feeling and being, in control.

The" puller": "do you love me less because I love you so much?"

The "pusher": "I love you too, but sometimes your love is too much and I feel a need to distance myself."

Those very common words often lead to lengthy discussions in my experience, and often not terribly helpful, although, if both pusher and puller are flexible and open, it may deepen the affection and bond between them.

For those of us who have children the "push and pull" dynamic can be very difficult to navigate.

Parent: "I am only telling you not to do this because I love you and don't want you to get hurt."

Child (whatever age): "If you love me, then you know and trust me to do the right thing."

A similar conversation can also occur between friends:

Friend 1: "Why didn't you tell me about......xxx? You know how much you mean to me."

Friend 2: "You mean a lot to me too, but sometimes there are things that's easier for me to talk about with someone who isn't as close to me as you are."

Sibling 1: "Why don't you call me, why do I always be the one to call? Don't you care about what happens in my life?"

Sibling 2: "Of course I care, and I do call you, but perhaps not as often as you would like me to."

Often when we feel that the "other" in a relationship is more "powerful" than we are, the more we seek validation from the other, but in my experience, when we do so, the result is often that we push the other further away from us rather than pull him/her closer.

Expectations, unscrutinized, can play havoc with most relationships.

Expectations, especially of the subconscious variety, are often experienced by us as "truths" or "that's just the way it is, or should be."

Example: "If you love me, then..........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

When you love someone you.........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

A friend is someone who............whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation.

A parent should..........whatever you envisage comes next, is your expectation."

And so on......

Expectations unfortunately, although they may be "truths" to us may not be "truths" to someone else.

Puller to pusher in a romantic relationship: "I always tell you how much I love you and support you, why can't you do the same for me?"

Pusher: "Why do I have to tell you this all the time, are my actions not enough to show you how much I love you?"

An open and honest conversation between the puller and pusher on what their expectations are of what they mean with expressions of love could be very helpful in bringing them to a deeper understanding of what each others needs are and how to best express them that works for both.

In my view, because our expectations feel so "true" to us, we often have a tendency not to vocalize them.

Parent, have you ever asked your child/children what he/she/they expect from you?

Friend, have you ever asked your friend what he/she expects from you?

Child, have you ever told your parents what you expect from them?

Lover, have you ever asked your lover what he/she expects from you?

I read somewhere this definition of a genuine/authentic relationship:

"In a genuine relationship, differences are appreciated and cherished as is acceptance, flexibility, transparency, honesty, compassion, fairness, equality and reliability."

My understanding of relationships is that they are not static in nature, they keep changing and evolving in step with the experiences (and understanding and interpretations of those experiences)

each person in a relationship go through in life.

Puller one minute, pusher the next, and back and forth we pendulate.

It occurs to me now that I have not mentioned a very important ingredient in relationships,... love.

The kinds of relationships I have been talking about in this post are relationships which have at its core for all intents and purposes, ..... love.

But what is love?

Seems to me that the definition of what love is is another term with many, many, different interpretations, perceptions and expectations.

Let me offer you one: 

"Love is an essence that is omnidirectional and outward directed with benevolence at its core."

(Citizen Z)

Taking beauty seriously is serious business.....

                                    

Georgia O'Keeffe, an American painter, painted numerous large paintings depicting flowers.

Flowers? Why? I thought as I flicked through a book of her works.

"What's so interesting about flowers?" I muttered under my breath as I flicked through page after page.

Then.....I got it.

Benevolence and beauty just seemed to ooze off the paintings.

I connected with something in those paintings and since then my view of flowers has changed dramatically.

So, what according to evolution theory is the purpose of flowers?

Darwin himself wrote: "flowering plants are an abominable mystery".

In our quite utilitarian existence, do flowers actually have a purpose?

Besides some of them being beautiful to look at and smelling rather nice, 

do we really need them?

(Painters through the ages seem to have a penchant for painting them, but honestly, how many paintings of flowers does humanity really need?)

Pollination is an essential ecological function, actually, without pollinators the human race and all of Earth's terrestrial ecosystem wouldn't survive, so says those in the know, so I guess flowers are important.

I guess flowers are important for different human celebrations too, I mean, imagine a wedding or funeral without flowers, they come in handy for Valentine's day, and they do "pretty" up a garden, not to mention how awesome a field of flowering daisies, poppies, and daffodils can look.

If you have ever been to the Netherlands, thousands of different coloured tulips can be quite the sight as well.

But here's what struck me about those large Georgia O'Keeffe's paintings......the benevolence of them.

With so much malevolence about; wars, earthquakes, poverty, starvation, conflict, etc.etc. perhaps the existence of something beautiful and totally benevolent sharing these turbulent times with us can offer us a small measure of comfort?

Running low on finding a job opportunity, one day, in desperation I walked into a florist shop and asked what one needed to be able to get a job in a florist shop.

"Actually" the nice florist said "you need four years of study and a certificate".

Wow. I was flummoxed.

Flowers are  serious business obviously.

As I stood there in the shop among all the incredibly beautiful flowers dressed in the most gloriously coloured petals with their rich fragrances, for the first time in my life I really got how important  beauty is for the human soul.

Us humans are able to contribute beauty as well of course, but, much of what our human hands touch seem to end up rather tainted and less beautiful somehow.

In order to be able to really appreciate beauty for itself, sometimes it may be necessary to let go of pragmatism and utilitarian thinking and just be swept up, and drawn in, by the exhilarating experience of beauty.

In spite of ourselves, nature is still out there, providing for us so much benevolence and beauty that all we need to do, is to open our eyes and hearts and really see it.

A hero? Nah, just a flawed human being who gives a damn......

Do we need heroes? 

For some of us Julian Assange may be a hero, others may view him as a traitor. For some of us John F. Kennedy may be a hero, others may view him as a womanizing, and politically ambivalent "do-gooder". The category of what we may deem as "heroes" may include: movie stars, sports stars, musicians, authors, scientists, etc.etc. although, I have a feeling that it may be harder now than before to be a hero in today's media savvy world. Anyone with a mobile(cell)phone is potentially a photo journalist.  In a few seconds a "hero's" darkest secrets can be posted on the net for millions of people to view and it only takes an instant for their hero status to be demolished, conversely, .....a hero can also be discovered the same way.

Perhaps heroes belong to the Comic Book/Film/Anime realm, and not so much to the human domain? I have a feeling that in the Comic Book/Film/Anime realm, characters can be flawless, consistently well-meaning and benevolent far easier than characters in the human domain, because in my experience, humans are often complicated, flawed, and inconsistent in their behaviour.

Flawed and inconsistent however, does not mean that humans are not capable of performing heroic acts. Many heroic acts have been chronicled, recorded, filmed, etc. verifying how at times a human being can rise above his/her fears and with reckless abandon do something extraordinary (heroic) just because....."it was the right thing to do", "he/she needed me to"  "it just felt right".... "who else was gonna do it?"....."I am not sure what made me do it, I just knew I had to".....etc.

In the world of fantasy, Super heroes often come equipped with "super" powers of different kinds, and these super powers make it possible for the super heroes to perform super feats. Often these super powers are qualities many of us humans probably would like to have: x-ray vision, super strength, being able to fly, being able to "time travel", become invisible, etc.etc. but unfortunately, these super powers mostly belong in the world of fantasy. The thing is, .....for a Super Hero to perform an act of heroism is in my view not nearly as impressive as when a flawed, inconsistent, and complicated human being risks his/her life in order to save someone else. I am even going to go as far as to suggest here that there are even professions in which risking their lives for others daily is a job requirement, such as: soldiers, firemen, police, first "responders" of varying kinds, etc.etc. .......it is a long list.

I asked a friend how he would define the word hero and his answer was: a protector, a saviour.

"A saviour? How do you mean? Save us from what?" I asked.

"Hmmm....I'm not sure, ourselves perhaps?"

Luckily for him his phone rang so he was "saved by the bell".....

and I was left to ponder the answer by myself.

Do we need a hero to swoop in and save mankind from itself? If so, what kind of super power would he/she need?

If the hero had the power of being able to see into the future (time travel) and that future entailed the demise of the earths atmosphere, plants and animals dying, and the air and water so polluted that it would become dangerous for humans to consume, would we even listen to what he/she had to say?

Hang on, there are already "heroes" telling us this...they are called scientists, environmentalists, and political/social commentators. 

 Maybe they are not heroes per se, but in my view, they are definitely courageous in their pursuit of trying to alert us to what may come if we fail to recognize the danger-signs that our planet is sending us. 

Pondering this, I am wondering if perhaps the time is here for each of us to find our "hidden/inner" heroes (protectors) and ask ourselves what we can contribute that may be beneficial to the planet we all share.

A few suggestions:

turn off the tap when you brush your teeth and use a glass of water,

turn off the engine rather than letting it idle for prolonged periods of time,

refill your water bottle with tap water 

recycle what you can,

if your'e feeling cold, grab a blanket or sweatshirt,

if your'e feeling hot, open the windows, use a fan, set the aircon to 26 degrees cel,

carpool, ride a bike, take the bus, train, tram,

wash your clothes with cold water, etc.

Here's my thinking, which you may or may not share: 

do we need heroes?

Nah, we need to care about things, people and the environment in which we live, and at times that may require from us to perform "heroic" acts of some kind or another, but that's okay, because flawed and inconsistent as us humans may be, I believe that we are also capable of great acts of compassion and benevolence.