Even if you're not a hero, you can still be heroic........

And so, falls another feather.........

"He/she is so caring, so compassionate, so kind, he/she is an angel."

Angel? "Angels don't exist, they're just a human invention" some will say.

Others may say that they are "real", that they are spiritual messengers. (Often envisaged as beings with wings of feathers)

And then some of us may say that the term "angel" refers to a person of exemplary conduct and virtue. 

Many of us have had heroes/heroines and or ideal human beings, that we looked up to when we were children. These heroes/heroines were flawless, always looking out for others, saving the day, able to pull off the most daring and amazing feats, self-sacrificing and often somehow able to do the humanly impossible. Some heroes/heroines that springs to mind: Wonder woman, Bat Girl, Jean Grey, Super Girl, Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Ironman, etc.etc. Granted, these are all comic figures, but for many of us, when we were children, the line between what's possible and impossible, was not certain and clear-cut. In some societies in which certain belief systems play a big part, angels are often viewed quite similar to heroes; they protect us, guide us, and occasionally perform feats of a "miraculous" nature.

 For the purpose of this post, rather than using the words heroes/heroines and angels, I will use the word role-models instead, as in; someone who we admire and look up to.

The role-model can be a teacher, a coach, a musician, a parent, a friend, a world leader, an author, a movie director, sports person, an actor, etc.etc....but regardless of what it is the role-model does that we admire, we often tend to pay more attention to their "good" bits and gloss over the "not-so-good" bits.

"Yeah, I know he/she was caught doing........xxx.....but you have to balance that against all the good things he/she has done..." "I know that mass media presents him/her as a shallow and self-centred person, but that's not who he/she really is...." On the other hand, once a role-model does something that can't be glossed over, we are often quick to "de-feather" them: A priest highly regarded in the community is found to be interfering with children...instantly his "angel" (role-model)status is obliterated....he is instantly "de-feathered". A spokesperson for a world known charity organisation is caught embezzling money......instant "de-feathering". A much loved and admired sports star promoting a healthy life-style is found un-conscious in an ally, passed out from an overdose of heroin...instant "de-feathering".

Mass media is full of information on role-models of all sorts "falling" from their status of being highly respected and admired to becoming mere flawed human beings like the rest of us.

However, is it perhaps possible that although flawed, a person can still perform a heroic deed, be a role-model for compassion, patience and kindness? Two burglars break into a home and steals a laptop. On the laptop they discover nearly a hundred illegal images of minors. The burglars decide to go to the police, confess their theft and hand over the laptop. The police then discovers that the owner of the laptop is a serious offender. Hells Angels, a notorious biker gang, has been involved with helping needy children for over 16 years, including a yearly toy drive.

Is it possible that perhaps even a hero can have "a bad day" and be impatient, intolerant and plain ol' grumpy, just as a less than perfect, flawed human being can have a "good day" and perform a heroic deed, have the patience of an "angel", and the tolerance of "saint"?

I believe it is, although perhaps there lies within many of us the occasional thought of engaging in a little schadenfreude(pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune): "Look, there goes another feather....told you he/she was no angel/role-model."

Some research has shown that when people are asked if they have any personal heroes and who they are, a common answer is to name their parents/parent/caretakers, ....although... through childhood to adulthood this often fluctuates between them losing "feathers" ("what!!!? you're human?) and us trying to stick them back on ("I was totally impossible through my teenage years, your patience with me was amazing").

There are many human beings who are wonderful role-models, who inspire us, encourage us, and who are people of exemplary conduct and virtue, but the question we may have to ask ourselves is: what kind of human beings do we aspire to be............     
   
"You don't have to be a hero to act heroically,
you don't have to be a saint to care for others,
you don't have to be an angel
to live a life of exemplary conduct  and virtue,
 you just need to be the best human being you can be."
(Citizen Z)
                               

Finding comfort with the help of music......

 

Who is, or rather, was Chet Baker? Let's begin with a little background: "Chesney Henry "Chet" Baker, Jr. (1929-1988) was an American jazz trumpeter, flugelhornist and vocalist. Baker earned much attention and critical praise through the 1950s, particularly for albums featuring his vocals." (Wikipedia)

(May I suggest that before reading on, you visit YouTube and check out "Almost Blue" with Chet Baker...I've got it playing right now..)

For some of us, words just don't seem to "cut-it" when it comes to expressing our deeper emotions, and often we find it easier to do so through the use of an instrument: piano, sax, guitar, trumpet, flute, etc.. and for others, ...through listening to music.

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." (Victor Hugo)

Music, in my view, is a communication tool that can assist us in sharing our experiences as human beings regardless of our spoken languages.  "Music touches us emotionally, where words alone cannot." (Johnny Depp)

My school years were not easy; I was skinny, quiet, shy, and in many of the other kids eyes, very strange. I listened to jazz and classical music, played the trumpet and piano, copied Michelangelo paintings, and had very little interest in sports. (Although I was quite good at hitting balls and running fast)

In hindsight, I get that they thought that I was strange, however, one of the consequences of being viewed as strange, meant that I often felt rather lonely and left out. I turned to music and it became my "best friend". Regardless of what kind of music I listened to or played, I felt as if it communicated with me and expressed what I felt without the use of words.

Music has played a part in human existence since year dot so some say...beginning with simple lullaby's, melodies played on flutes carved from bone/wood/reed, and a number of "signals" beaten on various types of drums, ....fast forward to now>>>> and music is a multi billion dollar industry.

Chet Baker, did not live an easy life, rather, his life was very complicated through his lifelong battle with drug addiction. However, his music was not complicated, rather, he managed to tell whole life stories and complex emotional experiences with the help of a very few, but well chosen, notes.

The sound he produced on his trumpet was his own, and for many of us, he "said" things on his trumpet that mere words couldn't. But he was, and is not alone in doing so: BB King, Jimi Hendrix, Jeff Beck, Miles Davis, Mozart, Chopin, Debussy, Chris Botti, Beethoven, Bach, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, etc.etc....also have/had their very own "sound". Music with words perhaps in some way may be easier to access, or relate to for some of us rather than instrumental music, but the absence of words in instrumental music, does not prevent us for creating our own internal "stories" to accompany the music. Music, it seems, can be emotionally evocative, bypass words and tug at our "emotional strings"..... hence we often categorise music as "happy" or "sad", energetic, chillin', angry, motivating, meditative, "bump&grind", "elevator", and so on. (Can't help wondering what would happen in a posh French restaurant if they only played heavy metal music, or in a MacDonald's who played Italian Opera ....hehe)

According to research, emotional reactions to music involves the limbic lobe, which means that we respond to music before we have had time to think about it. ...hence music in shopping centres to make us feel good and feeling good, we spend more money. Music can also help us feel connected with others by sharing our love for the same kind of music, as in concerts, festivals, clubs, societies, YouTube, Facebook, etc. Some of us who may find it hard to express our feelings in words, and perhaps chose making "mixed tapes"(pieces of music specifically picked)  in order to better convey and share our feelings with someone else.

Music, because of its ability to affect us, can be used as a helpful tool to address issues we deal with, as in Music Therapy.  "Music Therapy is the clinical and evidence-based use of music interventions to accomplish individualized goals within a therapeutic relationship by a credentialed professional who has completed an approved music therapy program." (American Music Therapy Association)

For what ever mood you are in, my guess is that there is music that can comfort you, or dance to, or chill out to, or meditate to, or relax to, or feel invigorated and energised by,.... but what that may be, is up to you to find.

 “Where words leave off, music begins.”  (Heinrich Heine) 

Learn to listen, and people will listen to you...........

 

Sometimes, many of us probably feel that we are not listened to.

(A bit like as if those we are speaking to are wearing some kind of ear muffs.)

Try as we may, somehow it feels like there is no connection made.

Why is that?

In my opinion, communicating is a tricky thing. Speaking/talking is not the same thing as communicating, and hearing is not the same thing as listening.

You can speak as much as you want, but unless the person you are speaking with speaks your language (English, Italian, German, etc. etc.) there will be very little communication taking place. Hearing, is the act of perceiving sounds with our ears, listening is a conscious decision to interpret what the ear is hearing.

Communication, as I see it, is a two-way process of sharing and exchanging ideas, thoughts, feelings, and the meaning we attach to those.

Some may say: "what are you talking about, communicating is plain old saying what you mean."

Well, ......let me give you an example:

Person A: "Is that what you are going to wear tonight?"

Person B: "Why? What's wrong with it?"

Person A: "Nothing is wrong with it, I was just wondering."

Person B: "It sounded to me as if you don't like it."

Person A: "I meant nothing more than to establish the fact of what you were wearing."

Person B: "Well, if you don't like what I am wearing, just tell me so instead of insinuating".

We may think we are very clear with what we saying, only to discover that the other person heard something totally different. The words we use is just one aspect of a conversation, added to this is the meaning the words hold for the sender(=person A) and receiver(person B), as well as the intonation, the emotions, and intentions imbedded in the "message".

Example:

Are YOU sure about that? or ARE you sure about that? or are you SURE about that? or are you sure about THAT? or ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

If you were to tell someone about something great that has happened(message) for you(sender), and the person you are saying this to(receiver) answers "Oh, that's good" and then proceeds to cross their arms and immediately begin to talk about something else, what would you take that to mean?

What if the receiver answers: "Oh, that's good" then proceeds to lean forward and say: tell me more"...what would you take that to mean?

Communication as well as exchanging information, is also about understanding each others interpretations of the words used, and the meaning attached to those words.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and suddenly been told,: "That's not what I am saying, why wont you listen?" I have had many conversations like that with my son, which has made it very clear to me that what we say and what people may hear, can be miles apart at times. My understanding is that it is in the hearing of what someone says(message) that we attach our own understanding and interpretation of what the message means, and when our understanding and interpretation, and the emotions behind the message lines up with the sender's, then the sender commonly experiences that as having been listened to.

Most of us enjoy and value when others listen to us, and chances are, others probably also enjoy and value us listening to them.

(Some say that communication is more about listening than talking.)

So, what makes a good listener?

 Some suggestions: a) really focusing on what the person is saying, 

 b) showing an interest in what the person is saying by asking appropriate questions now and then, 

c) trying not to interrupt,  d) turning off our i-thingy's while we are listening(if possible),  e) now and then confirming that our understanding of what is being said lines up with the person(sender) by asking: "so, what I heard you say is.....is that correct? or this is my understanding of what you mean, is that right?" When listening, it can be very helpful to set aside our opinions, and differing ideas...listening does not mean agreeing or even liking what is being said, merely the act of paying thoughtful attention when someone is speaking with us.

What if I really need someone to listen to me?

In my view, top of the list is to carefully chose who we would consider to be the most appropriate person and then ask that person something like: "I have an issue that's troubling me, would you mind me bending your ear for a minute or five, I would really appreciate your feedback."

(There are ofcourse professional "listeners"=psychologists, counsellors, etc..)

 Negotiate an appropriate time and place that suits both you and your listener.

It may be helpful to remember that even though you are the sender/talker, the person doing the listening is also a feeling, sensing, thinking human being just like you, so the occasional show of gratitude towards the listener would probably be appreciated by him/her.

More than anything, I believe that there are two aspects concerning communication that are essential ingredients for speakers/senders and listeners/receivers alike: sincerity and authenticity.

 

"Being listened to is not a right, it is a privilege.

Being a listener is a privilege, not a right."

(Citizen Z)

 

“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.”  
(Bernard M. Baruch)

Dare to aspire.....to follow your dreams

I find it interesting that "to have a dream" is often viewed as something quite positive, but to be a "dreamer", not so much.

According to Merriam and Webster: a dreamer is "a person whose ideas and plans are not practical or based in reality". Another definition I found is: "a person who is unpractical or idealistic".

How fortunate is it not for mankind that there are many people who may have been labelled "dreamers" that decided to ignore words to that effect?

Arthur Schopenhauer, concerning new ideas: "First, it is ridiculed, Second, it is violently opposed, Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

Often great ideas spring forth from someone asking "what if?", or having a dream that something seemingly impossible, could one day be possible. Cars, planes, computers, space travel, the internet, etc.etc....the list is endless of things we today take for granted and self-evident, that not so long ago was someone's crazy idea, or impossible "dream".

"Fly like a bird? you're dreaming." "Go to the moon? you're dreaming." "Split an atom? you're dreaming." "Talk with someone on a phone without any connecting lines? you're dreaming."

A child who dreams of becoming an astronaut, a famous rock star, a lion tamer, an explorer, etc. is perhaps charming and endearing, but more common than not, as the child grows older, he/she will often be told that those dreams are idealistic and unpractical.

(At this point I would like to make a distinction between having a "dream" that one day I will...xxx.... and daydreaming. Daydreaming in my view is when we "space out", detach ourselves from our immediate surroundings by letting our minds "wander".)

                   Some suggest that it is very important for human beings to have hopes and aspirations, because without them we can easily feel lost and direction-less. (Aspirations, another word that we can use for "dreams".) Our aspirations can vary from becoming better spellers to flying a jumbo jet, exploring the Simpson desert to opening a coffee shop, overcoming a fear of heights to making a perfect soufflé, and so on. Aspirations can potentially help us focus our attention, help us make plans, help us find qualities within ourselves we didn't know we had, help us make new friends by pursuing something we enjoy that others also enjoy, and following and fulfilling aspirations we may experience feelings of validation, etc.etc.

An aspiration, perhaps can be likened to the "beginning" of what motivates us to want to learn/experience something, and setting goals, can help us get to the "end".

Perhaps your aspiration is to learn another language and your goal to be able to speak it fluently. The aspiration then may motivate you to enrol in a class or buy a book, or learn on-line, and with the goal in mind, your aspiration can become a reality as you proceed in the learning process.

As a child, I had a dream of one day becoming a musician and composer. That dream became a reality as I took all the steps necessary in order to make that dream come true. Making a "dream" come true involves a lot of work; some hard, some fun, some enjoyable; but without taking some form of action, achieving it will be very difficult.

Aspirations/dreams come in many sizes, but the fulfilment of them have one thing in common: action, and the first action that can be helpful is to set goals.

Beginning with smaller ones building up to bigger ones. Each achieved goal helps us to stay motivated and on track to reach/fulfil, our end goal(dream/aspiration).

Remember, "a journey of a thousand steps begins with a single step".

 

"The more closely you get in touch with your dreams, the more able you are to make them real. The more vividly you consider how you want your world to be, the more real and effective tools you will have for making it so."
 (Ralph Marston)

 

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."
 (Harriet Tubman)

 

Dealing with your "darker" self-----the Shadow.........

 

 

According to Carl Jung, a well known Swiss psychiatrist, the "shadow" represents the "darker" sides of our selves, and they are called dark because commonly they are obscured from our consciousness.  The shadow, one may say, consists of those "things" about ourselves which we probably deem unacceptable because they don't fit with our consciously chosen attitudes and behaviours.

Most of us probably adhere to some form of moral code that we try to follow and when we don't live up to it or our behaviour is incongruous with it, most of us experience feelings of guilt, remorse, or unease.  Living, and conducting ourselves in harmony with our moral code on the other hand, often  " feels right".  Perhaps some of you may be of the view that "the shadow" is a figment of Jung's imagination, after all, if it is obscured from our consciousness, how do we know it even exists?

Have you ever done or said something that the minute you did it, you regretted it and had no idea where it came from?

Do you know anybody who is the nicest person until.......they have a few drinks in them?

Have you ever wondered why children commonly have to be taught how to "share" with others?

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you knew you shouldn't, yet you still did?

Have you ever lost your temper and scolded someone although your anger had nothing to do with them?

Some suggest that all those attitudes and behaviours that we consciously deem un-acceptable we push down into our unconscious(sub) only for them to occasionally erupt and unsettle us.

"Geez, sorry, don't know why I said that." (Yes, I do, I am jealous of his/her promotion)

"Sorry for losing my temper, I should be more patient with you."  (Patient? We have talked about this for hours)

"So sorry for shouting at you, I shouldn't have."  (What does he/she expect when he/she never listens?)

The Shadow often helps us rationalise the behaviour that our moral code tells us is un-acceptable: "Why shouldn't I be able to have a few drinks, I deserve it after all the work I do. So what if I get a bit loud now and then.....?"  "Taking a few stationary items isn't really stealing, after all, everyone does it."  "I should have told him/her the truth, but I am sure he/she has a few secrets him/herself, besides, what he/she doesn't know wont hurt him/her."

Rationalising perhaps helps us to ignore the Shadow (those aspects of ourselves we don't like) and avoid having to deal with it, this however, can have dire consequences.

Some suggest that avoiding to deal with aspects of ourselves we deem "negative" has a tendency for those negative feelings to accumulate often with devastating results such as depression, emotional and physical exhaustion, panic, stress, and a sense of feeling "split". 

If, on the other hand, we acknowledge that there are aspects of who we are that we don't like, we can do something about changing them. (We can't change what we don't acknowledge)

"Sometimes I am too impatient, what can I do to become more patient?   Sometimes I tend to be very judgemental, what can I do to become more accepting?  Sometimes I tend to be too self-focused, what can I do to become more other-focused?     Sometimes I become jealous and possessive, what can I do to be less controlling?" and so on.......

When we take ownership of those aspects of ourselves that we don't really like, we have the opportunity to make a change and become the person we want to be.

 

Just for clarities sake: When I write acknowledging the Shadow, I don't mean to "indulge" in all its desires and wants, rather, by bringing the Shadow into the "light" we are in a position of  managing our sub(un)conscious desires and wants, rather than them managing us.

 

"Unless you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others,

because the world outside you is only a reflection of the world inside you."

(Carl Jung)

Dealing with disappoinment.......first find your expectations

 

Have you ever heard the saying: "Like a child who's lost its rattle"?

Perhaps it is not a common saying, and to be honest, I can't really remember where I first heard it, but for me, it is a saying about disappointment. (Disappointment at losing the rattle)

Pondering the subject of disappointment and what the root of it may be, it dawned on me, that expectations, and hoped for outcomes, seem to have a lot to do with it.

(Although, there is a difference between what we hope for and what we expect: we may hope to win the lotto, but most of us do not expect it.)

Expectations, perhaps can be defined as: how we assume/believe/surmise, something is going to (or perhaps even at times; we think "should")  turn out.

Some examples: we study hard, so we expect good grades, we treat others well, so we expect to be treated well in return, we respect others, so we expect others to treat us with respect, we work hard, so we expect recognition from our employer, and so on.  Expectations, may I suggest, is a common occurrence in most societies, although to varying degrees and subject matters.

What we may all have in common, regardless, is that when our expectations are not met, we often experience feelings of disappointment. These feelings may encompass feelings of anger,  feeling hurt, frustration, sadness, feeling let down, etc. which are uncomfortable feelings for most of us. How we deal with these feelings varies from person to person. Some of us perhaps try to ignore them, some of us perhaps rationalise and come up with reasons for why our expectations were misplaced in the first place, some of us may become irritated and short tempered, some of us may be inclined to blame, and some of us allow ourselves to feel those uncomfortable feelings that comes with disappointments.

For many of us when we feel disappointed, there seems to be a "kneejerk" reaction to want to cast blame: "She's my friend, she should know that I am shy,  .....he has known me for years, he should know that I don't.......it's their fault, they should obey the rules like the rest of us" and so on.

Sometimes we cast that blame on ourselves: "It's my own fault, I should have known better than to expect.........."

Feeling disappointed, for many of us, is often predominately experienced as sadness, and although we may be able to find an unmet expectation behind it, those feelings of sadness can be hard shake off, because often they involve unfulfilled hopes as well as expectations.

As an artist, I have found that learning how to deal with disappointments, is a must.

And to deal with them, I begin with scrutinising my expectations, so I ask myself:

 What did I expect and how "realistic" were those expectations? 

Often I find that my expectations tend to be perhaps overly optimistic and with a tendency of disregarding niggling feelings telling me that I am ignoring previous experiences.

Having established and accepted this, I allow myself to feel sad/disappointed.....for a day or two....then with a clear head I conclude what valuable lessons I have learnt from the experience.

The tricky thing with expectations is that they belong with our own core values, not others, and what we may view as an infringement of our core values, may not be viewed as an infringement by others, hence the disappointment we experience is perhaps to a great extent, of our own making. 

(Not that that makes us feel less upset)

Understanding and being clear about what our expectations are, can be very useful in helping us find life affirming ways to respond to various life circumstances. If we feel that promises were made, but not kept, we can express that by telling those involved... for example: "You said that you would....and so I expected you to....but you haven't .....so I feel disappointed." Talking with the person(s) involved, we may discover that perhaps a misunderstanding has occurred, but it also offers an opportunity for a clearer understanding of how expectations can differ.

Turning up for a rehearsal, the bass player was absent, when I asked his son where he was, I was told: "Oh, he has just gone up the road, he'll be back soon." Three hours later, the bass player showed up.

 His concept of "up the road" was 60km, and his concept of "soon" meant anything between 10 minutes and four hours. For me, "up the road" meant a few kilometres, and "soon", at the most 20 minutes.... By the time the bass player showed up, I was fuming....(fitting with my expectations), he, on the other hand, was at a total loss as to my irritation...(fitting with his expectations).

Living in Australia, I have learnt some valuable lessons:

When people ask: How are you? they usually don't expect an answer beyond "Good", if even that..

"See you later", is a turn of phrase, better not to expect it as a literal term....

"Come around for a coffee when you're in the neighbourhood"....means you are expected to call first and arrange it, not just "pop in". Not that there's anything wrong with that, just different to what I was used to in Sweden.

But I digress.....back to disappointments.

So, some suggestions on how to deal with disappointment:

Perhaps you can ask yourself why you are disappointed and if perhaps your expectations play a role?

Familiarise yourself with your expectations and what your core values are.

 Look at the situation from a broad perspective; talking it over with someone close can often be helpful.

Acknowledge your feelings, allow them to flow through you rather than fester.

When you feel less upset, can you find something of value in the experience?

Try to be mindful of that expectations and core values vary from person to person,

if you don't know what others expectations are....ask. 

 

"Moments of disappointment is a common experience for human beings,

how long those moments last,

is up to the individual being."  (Citizen Z)