Learn to listen, and people will listen to you...........

 

Sometimes, many of us probably feel that we are not listened to.

(A bit like as if those we are speaking to are wearing some kind of ear muffs.)

Try as we may, somehow it feels like there is no connection made.

Why is that?

In my opinion, communicating is a tricky thing. Speaking/talking is not the same thing as communicating, and hearing is not the same thing as listening.

You can speak as much as you want, but unless the person you are speaking with speaks your language (English, Italian, German, etc. etc.) there will be very little communication taking place. Hearing, is the act of perceiving sounds with our ears, listening is a conscious decision to interpret what the ear is hearing.

Communication, as I see it, is a two-way process of sharing and exchanging ideas, thoughts, feelings, and the meaning we attach to those.

Some may say: "what are you talking about, communicating is plain old saying what you mean."

Well, ......let me give you an example:

Person A: "Is that what you are going to wear tonight?"

Person B: "Why? What's wrong with it?"

Person A: "Nothing is wrong with it, I was just wondering."

Person B: "It sounded to me as if you don't like it."

Person A: "I meant nothing more than to establish the fact of what you were wearing."

Person B: "Well, if you don't like what I am wearing, just tell me so instead of insinuating".

We may think we are very clear with what we saying, only to discover that the other person heard something totally different. The words we use is just one aspect of a conversation, added to this is the meaning the words hold for the sender(=person A) and receiver(person B), as well as the intonation, the emotions, and intentions imbedded in the "message".

Example:

Are YOU sure about that? or ARE you sure about that? or are you SURE about that? or are you sure about THAT? or ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

If you were to tell someone about something great that has happened(message) for you(sender), and the person you are saying this to(receiver) answers "Oh, that's good" and then proceeds to cross their arms and immediately begin to talk about something else, what would you take that to mean?

What if the receiver answers: "Oh, that's good" then proceeds to lean forward and say: tell me more"...what would you take that to mean?

Communication as well as exchanging information, is also about understanding each others interpretations of the words used, and the meaning attached to those words.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and suddenly been told,: "That's not what I am saying, why wont you listen?" I have had many conversations like that with my son, which has made it very clear to me that what we say and what people may hear, can be miles apart at times. My understanding is that it is in the hearing of what someone says(message) that we attach our own understanding and interpretation of what the message means, and when our understanding and interpretation, and the emotions behind the message lines up with the sender's, then the sender commonly experiences that as having been listened to.

Most of us enjoy and value when others listen to us, and chances are, others probably also enjoy and value us listening to them.

(Some say that communication is more about listening than talking.)

So, what makes a good listener?

 Some suggestions: a) really focusing on what the person is saying, 

 b) showing an interest in what the person is saying by asking appropriate questions now and then, 

c) trying not to interrupt,  d) turning off our i-thingy's while we are listening(if possible),  e) now and then confirming that our understanding of what is being said lines up with the person(sender) by asking: "so, what I heard you say is.....is that correct? or this is my understanding of what you mean, is that right?" When listening, it can be very helpful to set aside our opinions, and differing ideas...listening does not mean agreeing or even liking what is being said, merely the act of paying thoughtful attention when someone is speaking with us.

What if I really need someone to listen to me?

In my view, top of the list is to carefully chose who we would consider to be the most appropriate person and then ask that person something like: "I have an issue that's troubling me, would you mind me bending your ear for a minute or five, I would really appreciate your feedback."

(There are ofcourse professional "listeners"=psychologists, counsellors, etc..)

 Negotiate an appropriate time and place that suits both you and your listener.

It may be helpful to remember that even though you are the sender/talker, the person doing the listening is also a feeling, sensing, thinking human being just like you, so the occasional show of gratitude towards the listener would probably be appreciated by him/her.

More than anything, I believe that there are two aspects concerning communication that are essential ingredients for speakers/senders and listeners/receivers alike: sincerity and authenticity.

 

"Being listened to is not a right, it is a privilege.

Being a listener is a privilege, not a right."

(Citizen Z)

 

“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.”  
(Bernard M. Baruch)