Have you ever heard the saying: "Like a child who's lost its rattle"?
Perhaps it is not a common saying, and to be honest, I can't really remember where I first heard it, but for me, it is a saying about disappointment. (Disappointment at losing the rattle)
Pondering the subject of disappointment and what the root of it may be, it dawned on me, that expectations, and hoped for outcomes, seem to have a lot to do with it.
(Although, there is a difference between what we hope for and what we expect: we may hope to win the lotto, but most of us do not expect it.)
Expectations, perhaps can be defined as: how we assume/believe/surmise, something is going to (or perhaps even at times; we think "should") turn out.
Some examples: we study hard, so we expect good grades, we treat others well, so we expect to be treated well in return, we respect others, so we expect others to treat us with respect, we work hard, so we expect recognition from our employer, and so on. Expectations, may I suggest, is a common occurrence in most societies, although to varying degrees and subject matters.
What we may all have in common, regardless, is that when our expectations are not met, we often experience feelings of disappointment. These feelings may encompass feelings of anger, feeling hurt, frustration, sadness, feeling let down, etc. which are uncomfortable feelings for most of us. How we deal with these feelings varies from person to person. Some of us perhaps try to ignore them, some of us perhaps rationalise and come up with reasons for why our expectations were misplaced in the first place, some of us may become irritated and short tempered, some of us may be inclined to blame, and some of us allow ourselves to feel those uncomfortable feelings that comes with disappointments.
For many of us when we feel disappointed, there seems to be a "kneejerk" reaction to want to cast blame: "She's my friend, she should know that I am shy, .....he has known me for years, he should know that I don't.......it's their fault, they should obey the rules like the rest of us" and so on.
Sometimes we cast that blame on ourselves: "It's my own fault, I should have known better than to expect.........."
Feeling disappointed, for many of us, is often predominately experienced as sadness, and although we may be able to find an unmet expectation behind it, those feelings of sadness can be hard shake off, because often they involve unfulfilled hopes as well as expectations.
As an artist, I have found that learning how to deal with disappointments, is a must.
And to deal with them, I begin with scrutinising my expectations, so I ask myself:
What did I expect and how "realistic" were those expectations?
Often I find that my expectations tend to be perhaps overly optimistic and with a tendency of disregarding niggling feelings telling me that I am ignoring previous experiences.
Having established and accepted this, I allow myself to feel sad/disappointed.....for a day or two....then with a clear head I conclude what valuable lessons I have learnt from the experience.
The tricky thing with expectations is that they belong with our own core values, not others, and what we may view as an infringement of our core values, may not be viewed as an infringement by others, hence the disappointment we experience is perhaps to a great extent, of our own making.
(Not that that makes us feel less upset)
Understanding and being clear about what our expectations are, can be very useful in helping us find life affirming ways to respond to various life circumstances. If we feel that promises were made, but not kept, we can express that by telling those involved... for example: "You said that you would....and so I expected you to....but you haven't .....so I feel disappointed." Talking with the person(s) involved, we may discover that perhaps a misunderstanding has occurred, but it also offers an opportunity for a clearer understanding of how expectations can differ.
Turning up for a rehearsal, the bass player was absent, when I asked his son where he was, I was told: "Oh, he has just gone up the road, he'll be back soon." Three hours later, the bass player showed up.
His concept of "up the road" was 60km, and his concept of "soon" meant anything between 10 minutes and four hours. For me, "up the road" meant a few kilometres, and "soon", at the most 20 minutes.... By the time the bass player showed up, I was fuming....(fitting with my expectations), he, on the other hand, was at a total loss as to my irritation...(fitting with his expectations).
Living in Australia, I have learnt some valuable lessons:
When people ask: How are you? they usually don't expect an answer beyond "Good", if even that..
"See you later", is a turn of phrase, better not to expect it as a literal term....
"Come around for a coffee when you're in the neighbourhood"....means you are expected to call first and arrange it, not just "pop in". Not that there's anything wrong with that, just different to what I was used to in Sweden.
But I digress.....back to disappointments.
So, some suggestions on how to deal with disappointment:
Perhaps you can ask yourself why you are disappointed and if perhaps your expectations play a role?
Familiarise yourself with your expectations and what your core values are.
Look at the situation from a broad perspective; talking it over with someone close can often be helpful.
Acknowledge your feelings, allow them to flow through you rather than fester.
When you feel less upset, can you find something of value in the experience?
Try to be mindful of that expectations and core values vary from person to person,
if you don't know what others expectations are....ask.
"Moments of disappointment is a common experience for human beings,
how long those moments last,
is up to the individual being." (Citizen Z)
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