Life should be fair..........really? Who says?

 

It isn't fair! Why me? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why do all these things have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?

At times many of us have probably asked ourselves these questions.

And why not, sometimes we may feel as if our share of pain and suffering seem unfairly large compared to others. But then again, what amount of pain and suffering is fair? And who gets to decide what a fair amount is?

A few doors up from me, lives a woman who in my estimation, really has good cause for asking "why me?". A few weeks ago, coming home from a day out with a friend, she found her son at the foot of the stairs, .... dead. It seems he had accidentally tripped and fallen down the stairs, hitting his head so badly on the tiled floor, that he died almost immediately. This was now son number two who had died within the space of a few years. Throughout their lives, both sons had suffered with major health issues, but their mother had valiantly supported them through all the turmoil and heartache that that had brought. Losing a child, research tells us, is on the top of the list of "worst possible events" for a human to deal with. Losing both your children within the space of a few years?

What had she done to deserve such heartache? Nothing.

What had she done to make those things happen? Nothing.

Is there really an actual premise that says that life is fair or that there is a determined amount of pain and suffering allotted (fair) to each human being? I don't believe there is; belonging to mankind, seem to me, to be a "game" of risk. Living is risky business; we can be hurt, we can make mistakes, we can become ill, we can have accidents, we can become unwilling pawns in ruthless wars, we can become rejected, we can make choices that end in a mess, we can love without reciprocation, and so on.

By just being alive, there is a risk that we are going to experience pain and suffering.

(On the other hand, there is also the possibility that we may experience joy, happiness, fulfilment, satisfaction, compassion, love, intimacy, friendship, beauty, etc.etc.

How often do we ask: Why should I experience this much joy, happiness, good fortune, love and contentment when others don't? Why do I deserve all these good things happening to me when others have so many bad things happening to them?)

According to some research, we human beings have a fundamental desire to explain the world around us. If something "bad" happens, we try to make sense from it, find a reason for why it happened. The ramifications of "that's just the way it is" somehow just does not "cut" it, we often feel we need to know. However, our sense of fairness is commonly based on how we think things are supposed to be, and that is often different for each individual, depending on culture, upbringing, belief system, education, etc.

Looking into the eyes of someone going through excruciating emotional and or physical pain and turmoil, for many of us, there is often a "kneejerk" reaction of wanting to offer some sort of explanation for why they are suffering, perhaps hoping that if there is a why, then some sense can be made from it. Uncertainty is uncomfortable for most of us, but having a sense of "why" something is, may offer us an explanation, and an explanation may offer us the possibility of affecting change.

Some of the time, but not always.

Some times there are no answers to our "why's", which for some of us can be very hard to digest.

When faced with troubles/issues for which we can find no answers, we are left with choosing how to respond. We can rage, we can scream, we can shout how unfair it is, we can be angry, despondent, depressed, disillusioned, and or be broken hearted. But we can also chose to carry on living each moment as it presents itself to us. We can chose to appreciate and be grateful for all those things that do bring us some measure of joy, or beauty, or happiness, or love, or peace, or excitement, or gladness in our hearts.

 

"Do not ponder whether life is fair,

rather make it your affair,

to  live your life the best you can

though be it strand by strand.

 

All we have, you and I,

is this moment,

right now." 

 (Citizen Z)

 

Regrets....Like invisible chains, regrets prevents you from taking flight.

Only a few hours of sunlight remains. The ocean blue and tranquil, the sky endless, and the view from the balcony, breath taking.

Standing there in the midst of a vibrant and seemingly endless beauty, her mind begins to wander.

Had she been a good steward of her life?

Had her choices that had brought her to this place been the right ones?

 

Life only happens now; the past can't be changed and the future is unknown.

No matter how much we may wish that we would have acted differently in some situations, the outcome of what happened cannot be changed. If only I had not.... If only I had.....

Thoughts, that can be so powerful that they keep us stuck in the past to the extent that we don't  notice what is happening in our present. Regardless of whether we are pondering our past or our future, the present keeps showing up.

We can not change what happened in the past, but by pondering the outcomes of choices we made in the past that we now regret, the present offers us the possibility to make different choices.

If we hurt someone in the past, and we regret doing so, we cannot take away the pain we caused, but in the present we can offer an apology, ask for forgiveness, ask the person if there is anything we can do now that may help heal the wound. If we have done things in our past (even if it was just yesterday), that has caused us to feel remorse, pain and or suffering, the present offers us the possibility to acknowledge that those things we did in the past, hurt us, and by doing so, we can choose to act in ways that rather than causing us to experience regrets, we have the chance to experience a heightened sense of self-esteem.

Psychologist Neale Roese, in a study done in 2011 on our most common regrets, list these as our most common regrets: regrets about our romantic choices, about our careers, our education, our financial choices, our families, and about parenting. However, he suggests that having regrets can have an "up-side" if we use them as a motivating force for us to change the things we can change. Many of us have probably thought: "If I knew then what I know now, I would have.....or...I would never had ..... "

Well, we didn't know then, but we do know now, so now we can choose differently.

We can't change mistakes we have made in the past, but if we view them as learning experiences, then wisdom and insight can be gleaned from them.

As well as regretting things we have done, we may also regret things we didn't do.

"I should have taken that job, I should have married him/her, I should have accepted that...., I should have studied at the University, I should have ......"

Regretting things we didn't do, may perhaps be even more problematic than regretting things we did: things we did that turned out to be mistakes we can learn something from, but what can be gleaned from regrets about things we didn't even attempt?

According to research, we get over our regrets about past mistakes much easier than our regrets over missed opportunities. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find any distinctive answers to why this is so, so I will try to summarize what I have found.

Regrets about what "could have been" commonly seem to involve some form of wishful thinking.

"If I would have just gone to college, I would have been able to get a better job", which may be possible, but not necessarily so.  "If I would have married soandso, I would be happier now", which is possible, but not necessarily so. "If I would have taken the opportunity to........then I would have no financial problems now", which is possible, but not necessarily so. 

Regrets, whether about what we did, or what we could have done, unfortunately prevents us from living in the "now", and "now" may I suggest, is when we do our "actual" living.

So, what can be done about overcoming regrets? Some suggestions:

Acknowledge what you believe you could have done differently, (without obsessing over it), rather, allow it to motivate you to seek a positive change.

If you are regretting something you didn't do but wish you had, can you do it now?

If you are regretting something you did in the past, but can't change now, can you reframe how you view it?

"Hindsight is 20/20 vision", ..."I regret what I did........but it made sense to me according to who I was at the time." "I regret that I didn't grab the opportunity to....., but it made sense to me then, now I want to find out if I can perhaps find another opportunity to....."

Regrets are like an annoying little stone in one of your shoes; you can leave it in the shoe and keep walking (although every now and then it will hurt you), or you can acknowledge it's existence, and then remove it.

Like invisible chains, regrets prevents you from taking flight.

 

“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.” (Steve Maraboli)

Finding a point of stillness......

 

This is a miniature painting of an imagined "hide-away". A tranquil, still place that I can visit when life seems chaotic and my mind restless.

"It is in stillness, that the greatest thoughts are born", words that have lingered with me for years, although whether I made them up or someone else did, I am not sure.

Is stillness the same as silence? Is silence needed for us to experience stillness? Commonly, silence is defined as the absence of sound, whereas "stillness", I have found is often referred to as "state"; the state of being still, quiet, and or calm.

 Pushing a "mute" button may be effective in achieving silence, but will it also offer stillness?

For some of us, silence can be quite confrontational if we live in an environment full of sounds such as traffic, people hustling and bustling, trains, planes, construction work, sirens of many different varieties, schools, restaurants, ringing telephones, clattering keyboards, music, etc. etc.

On top of these sounds, we may also have our own supply of sounds in the form of any of the myriad of "i-thingy's" (i-phone, i-pad, i-pod, etc.) available.

Some of us turn on the TV or radio the minute we wake up, or when we come home from work/school/being "out", and only turn it off when we go to bed. Some of us turn on the TV/radio/i-thingy/"tranquillity machine" to help us fall asleep when we go to bed; not really listening, but having the sounds in the background assisting us in calming our busy minds.

Yet for some of us, the less noise (sounds), the better.

Stillness, it seems to me, is possible to be experienced with or without sound; silence may be helpful for some us to experience it, but it does not seem to necessitate it.

While walking with a friend on the beach, talking about all sorts, my friend suddenly stopped and looked at me and said: "You don't have an off-switch, do you?" Bewildered I asked: "What do you mean?" "You seem to have a mind that never stops, .... do you ever stop thinking?" she asked. 

"Hmmm..... I guess not, let me think about it," I answered.

"I think you need to find a point of stillness," she said," like an off-switch." 

Okay, so where does one find an "off-switch" then? I had tried meditation, but it just didn't work for me.

My mind while trying to meditate:  Stop thinking?? Emptying the mind?? How?? Man, this is so un-comfortable. I am hungry. Think I'll buy some food after this. It's started to rain...did I wind the windows up? Sheesh, what's that smell? Why OHM...why not UMMM? I wonder how long we are supposed to sit in this un-comfortable pose? My legs are falling asleep. Are we allowed to drink water? I am thirsty. Why can't this be done laying down?

Meditation was not the off-switch for me, but I did get the point; finding a point of stillness was probably a good idea.

These are some of the different things I tried: sitting by the ocean and focusing all my attention on the sound of the waves, listening to some instrumental music focusing on only one of the instruments, looking at an image and connecting only with how I am responding emotionally to the image, eating/drinking something and only focus my attention on what it tastes like, and what has proved to be very helpful; saying the word "calm" quietly over and over. In short; being in the moment, a whole hearted, and complete participation in that moment.

 

“Be still.
Stillness reveals the secrets of eternity” (Lao Tzu)

 

“Our refuge is being exactly where we are - not dramatizing problems by replaying them in our heads, telling stories to our friends, eliciting sympathy and convincing ourselves that this is a very big deal. Our refuge is in the stillness of being the compassionate witness to our panic and fear - not judging it as good or bad, just accepting the what is of the moment.” (Charlotte Kasl)

 

“Connect with your inner self. A beautiful sanctuary exists within you. A place of total calm. A connection to stillness. A temple of sacredness, peace, beauty, love. Once you are truly at this infinite inner place, your true home, you will be at home anywhere, at anytime, with anyone. A place where INFINITE possibility exists.”

(Angie Karan Krezos)

  

This little visualisation may be helpful: Visualise sitting in a car with the gear in neutral. The engine is still running, everything is functional, yet the car is standing still.

Many of us live in a world full of things/people/events constantly stimulating our senses; taking some time out every now and then to find a point of stillness may offer us the chance to hear our inner voices and remember who we are.

Citizen Z reveal.....on youtube...

For a while, I have been toying with the idea of putting up a you tube clip. Why? you may ask. I guess the quickest answer is that it seemed like a good idea to me.

The possibilities today are amazing when it comes to being able to share thoughts, ideas, "the arts" in its many different genres, etc. and so on. How this was going to be done on the other hand, I didn't have a clue. So I asked one of my son's friends if he could perhaps give me a hand. Fortunately for me, this friend is a video-photographer and also a very decent chap, so my request for assistance was accepted. (Eehaaa!)

After the initial excitement died down, I realised that I needed a plan, as in a "storyboard", so I sat down and had a good thinking about it. Massaging the "grey matter", I eventually came up with a plan. The result, is now possible for you to view on you tube.

https://youtu.be/0M2o_rXdYPg

                                

As a visual artist, for many of us, it can be difficult to find opportunities to share our art. Our passion may drive us to keep on producing works after works, but eventually, unless some are sold, storage space can become an issue. (Personally I have paintings of different sizes, sketch books, portfolios, etc.hidden away everywhere possible.)

I guess the reason for why someone paints, may be as many as there are painters, so perhaps I will just share the reason for why I paint: to communicate, to try to evoke in the viewer an emotional response to the images I have created. My art works are the outer results of my inner experiences.

For a visual artist to share/expose their work in "Real Life", they have to be exhibited somewhere.

This means hoping for a spot in a gallery, a restaurant, a coffee shop, a hotel, a doctors waiting area, etc. etc., or entering any number of competitions. Having done all this and still having the house full of works in cupboards, in the garage, on the walls, under the bed, under the stairs to the upstairs, and so on, time had come for me to "modernise" my thinking. (Just in case you are wondering, I have sold a lot of paintings for which I am very grateful, had I not, I guess I would have to sleep on the kitchen floor!)

I often listen to music on youtube, watch tutorials, listen to lectures, etc. so I thought: why not put up something there?

It has taken quite some time between having the thought and actually making it happen, but alas, now it has.

It is not meant to be serious, rather, just a different approach of sharing my art with you.

For all of you who have found your way to this blog: THANK YOU for taking the time to view my works and read my words.

 

"The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance."

(Aristotle)

 

(ps. the music in the background is my music)

 

On the Meaning of life - existential anxiety

 

These four guys, know as the Fab Four, or The Beatles, managed to produce music that changed the world. I am pretty sure that they did not plan to do so, it just... kind of happened. (And this long before Facebook, Twitter, and the www.)

Most of us hopefuls, however creative and original, hardworking and diligent, never become rich and/or "famous", nor do we get to change the world. Vincent Van Gogh, arguably one of the greatest artists, died long before he was even able to support himself financially in the most rudimentary of ways. Now, he is one of the most recognisable artists in the world, and his paintings....well, many of them have price tags in the amount of millions of dollars. I have a feeling that neither The Beatles nor Vincent Van Gogh purposely set out to became famous or rich when they created their art, rather, creating their art gave their life meaning and purpose.

I came across a line in a book: "without purpose, men dwell carelessly" (I am assuming with "men", the author means "mankind") which lead me to ponder the importance of "purpose".

This is the Freedictionary definition: "The object toward which one strives or for which something exists; an aim or goal."

Victor Frankl, in his book "Man's search for Meaning" has this to say: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”        

“Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”  

Among the many different kinds of anxieties mankind endures, ....let me introduce this one: "existential anxiety", and it can be a particularly pesky critter in my view.

Part of its "nature", may I suggest, is that it is often so vague.

A person suffering with this type of anxiety may experience a general sense of meaninglessness, a lack of purpose for his/her life, an underlying sense of boredom, feeling a lack of direction for his/her life, and a vague sense of feeling like something is "missing".

At some point or another, many of us contemplate questions such as: who am I, why am I here, and now that I am here, what am I supposed to do with my life; i:e the meaning of life?

 These questions can be experienced as quite distressing, and for some of us, ignoring them may seem like a preferred option, but unfortunately, these questions often have a tendency to keep "percolating" in our subconsciousness and often with the result of that vague feeling of that something is "missing".

As a little kid (three) I heard Louis Armstrong play "Saint James Infirmary" and from that moment I knew that I wanted to become a jazz musician. If asked: "what are you going to be when you grow up?", my answer was: "a jazz pianist". Only three, but I knew that the purpose of my life, was to be a jazz musician. “Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”  

I knew the "why", and all the hours of practise, study, listening, performing, composing, etc.. were the answers to "how".

Finding a meaning/purpose for one's life may involve asking oneself a number of questions such as: what do I care about, what is important to me, what would I like to do with my life, what values/morals/ethics are important to me, what would I like to contribute to my family/community/society, .......(insert here your own questions).........etc.

The very questions that may create anxiety in us, may also assist us in helping us to find meaning and purpose as we seek to answer those questions.

Whatever your answers may be, the wonderful thing in my view, is that they can be changed or extended at any time.

If you have a sense that perhaps you are dwelling somewhat carelessly, that something seems to be missing all the time, perhaps taking some time out to ponder what gives your life meaning and purpose may be helpful? (things of a life-affirming nature=having an emotionally/spiritually/physically uplifting effect.)

Examples: I loose track of time when I........

I used to love......... when I was a kid, perhaps I could .....now?

I know the why, now I want to get to the how....

I feel passionate about......, what can I do to support that passion?

 

"The meaning of life is contained in every single expression of life. It is present in the infinity of forms and phenomena that exist in all of creation." (Michael Jackson)

 

Existentialist view existential anxiety as a potential catalyst for growth rather than a problem needing a cure, however, my view is that each individual may have to decide for themselves if or when assistance may be needed by a health professional if their existential anxiety is overly troublesome. While in a chat room, I was asked by a chatter: "what do you think the meaning of life is?" After some thoughtful consideration I answered: "to find it". To which he replied: "what does that mean?" "I don't view "the meaning of life" as something static, rather, as something that changes day to day, moment to moment, although perhaps, the source from which all "meaning" springs, may be to truly know Love", I answered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boundaries create integrity........on the importance of knowing what your boundaries are

 

When Norma Jean became Marilyn Monroe, her life changed dramatically.

She now belonged to us all, and every aspect of her life  became subjected to scrutiny.

Every impropriety, temper tantrum, tardiness at the set, emotional engagements, and mishaps, were uncompromisingly reported to the media.

Boundaries?.......what boundaries?

Being a celebrity comes with a price, and that price, often seem to be the loss of a private life.

Whether a celebrity or just an everyday, garden variety, human being...boundaries are important for our well-being so say those in the "know".

 One common boundary is our "personal space". Depending on our cultural background, most of us have a personal space boundary; the proximity of how close someone else can be/stand without us feeling uncomfortable. In conversation with a few friends, the topic of boundaries came up, so to illustrate how strongly this boundary often is experienced, I purposely stepped into their personal spaces; that is; I asked: is this too close? How does it feel when I stand this close to you?

(Tip: if the person you are speaking with keeps backing away, chances are that you are probably, albeit unwittingly, breaching that person's personal space.)

There are many different kinds of boundaries: physical, emotional, relational, cultural, behavioural, verbal, to mention a few. (A boundary can be defined as a "limit".)

Commonly we begin to form our boundaries in early childhood through our interactions within our families and environment. How we are treated as children often reflects our experiences of boundaries; if as children our boundaries are respected, then we will learn to respect others boundaries. On the other hand, if our boundaries are not respected we may find it difficult to gain a clear sense of ourselves in relation to others, and we may also find it difficult to verbalise when and if we feel a boundary has been crossed. Having clear boundaries assist us in determining how we treat others and how we allow others to treat us. (If in doubt, one can always just ask: is it okay if.....?, or "I feel uncomfortable when.......")

Ofcourse, to know and understand what our boundaries are, we need to identify them, so we may have to spend some time thinking about what they are. Basically, we need to name our limits.

It's not okay for me to........(insert here your limits)....

I am okay with.........(insert here what is okay with you)........

(Although, what is not okay with you, may be okay with someone else, and vice versa, so respect is an important aspect of this.) Communicating clearly and respectfully, if or when, we feel a boundary is crossed has the potential to empower our sense of ourselves and assist in others gaining a clearer understanding of who we are and what we stand for.

This at times may seem somewhat scary if we worry about the response "speaking up" may invoke.

Examples: "Would it be okay with you if we turned off the phones while we eat, I feel that it would be easier to talk if we did?" "Do you think you could just listen rather than telling me what I am doing wrong?" "I don't view it the same way as you do, do you think we could just change the subject?" "I know that you are going through a hard time right now, but so am I, so do you think that we can talk about this later?"

Self-care is important for us all, and sometimes this may mean being firm in adhering to our boundaries/limits even if it may evoke a "negative" response in others. I have lost count of how many times my fellow musicians made fun of me for not drinking alcohol, do any drugs, or indulged in "one-nite-stands"....... (To do so, for me would be to violate a boundary; that of being a professional, taking my art seriously, and staying true to myself.)

Most of the time, I believe people do respect our boundaries, especially if they are clearly defined and understood. (Eventually many of my fellow musicians stopped making fun of me for being a "straight edge" and started to treat my "self-imposed" boundaries with respect rather than sarcasm.)

So, what signs are there of un-healthy boundaries you may ask.

Some suggestions: going against your own morals and ethics to please others

   saying "yes" when you really mean "no"

allowing others to define who you are

                         not speaking up for yourself when you feel mistreated

                                         believing/thinking its up to others to make you feel good about yourself   

disrespecting other's boundaries

 

Luckily for me, I have a son who has helped me immensely to understand the importance of boundaries. It can be quite confrontational to be told "off" for a boundary infringement, whether by a stranger, partner, friend, or a family member, but, in my view, it can also be immensely valuable.

Perhaps, if some boundaries had been imposed on the media's access to Marilyn Monroe,

her inner core could have remained strong enough to keep Norma Jean alive.

 

"Appropriate boundaries create integrity." (Rae Shagalov)

"Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices."

(Gerard Manly Hopkins)