It isn't fair! Why me? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why do all these things have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?
At times many of us have probably asked ourselves these questions.
And why not, sometimes we may feel as if our share of pain and suffering seem unfairly large compared to others. But then again, what amount of pain and suffering is fair? And who gets to decide what a fair amount is?
A few doors up from me, lives a woman who in my estimation, really has good cause for asking "why me?". A few weeks ago, coming home from a day out with a friend, she found her son at the foot of the stairs, .... dead. It seems he had accidentally tripped and fallen down the stairs, hitting his head so badly on the tiled floor, that he died almost immediately. This was now son number two who had died within the space of a few years. Throughout their lives, both sons had suffered with major health issues, but their mother had valiantly supported them through all the turmoil and heartache that that had brought. Losing a child, research tells us, is on the top of the list of "worst possible events" for a human to deal with. Losing both your children within the space of a few years?
What had she done to deserve such heartache? Nothing.
What had she done to make those things happen? Nothing.
Is there really an actual premise that says that life is fair or that there is a determined amount of pain and suffering allotted (fair) to each human being? I don't believe there is; belonging to mankind, seem to me, to be a "game" of risk. Living is risky business; we can be hurt, we can make mistakes, we can become ill, we can have accidents, we can become unwilling pawns in ruthless wars, we can become rejected, we can make choices that end in a mess, we can love without reciprocation, and so on.
By just being alive, there is a risk that we are going to experience pain and suffering.
(On the other hand, there is also the possibility that we may experience joy, happiness, fulfilment, satisfaction, compassion, love, intimacy, friendship, beauty, etc.etc.
How often do we ask: Why should I experience this much joy, happiness, good fortune, love and contentment when others don't? Why do I deserve all these good things happening to me when others have so many bad things happening to them?)
According to some research, we human beings have a fundamental desire to explain the world around us. If something "bad" happens, we try to make sense from it, find a reason for why it happened. The ramifications of "that's just the way it is" somehow just does not "cut" it, we often feel we need to know. However, our sense of fairness is commonly based on how we think things are supposed to be, and that is often different for each individual, depending on culture, upbringing, belief system, education, etc.
Looking into the eyes of someone going through excruciating emotional and or physical pain and turmoil, for many of us, there is often a "kneejerk" reaction of wanting to offer some sort of explanation for why they are suffering, perhaps hoping that if there is a why, then some sense can be made from it. Uncertainty is uncomfortable for most of us, but having a sense of "why" something is, may offer us an explanation, and an explanation may offer us the possibility of affecting change.
Some of the time, but not always.
Some times there are no answers to our "why's", which for some of us can be very hard to digest.
When faced with troubles/issues for which we can find no answers, we are left with choosing how to respond. We can rage, we can scream, we can shout how unfair it is, we can be angry, despondent, depressed, disillusioned, and or be broken hearted. But we can also chose to carry on living each moment as it presents itself to us. We can chose to appreciate and be grateful for all those things that do bring us some measure of joy, or beauty, or happiness, or love, or peace, or excitement, or gladness in our hearts.
"Do not ponder whether life is fair,
rather make it your affair,
to live your life the best you can
though be it strand by strand.
All we have, you and I,
is this moment,
right now."
(Citizen Z)
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