When Norma Jean became Marilyn Monroe, her life changed dramatically.
She now belonged to us all, and every aspect of her life became subjected to scrutiny.
Every impropriety, temper tantrum, tardiness at the set, emotional engagements, and mishaps, were uncompromisingly reported to the media.
Boundaries?.......what boundaries?
Being a celebrity comes with a price, and that price, often seem to be the loss of a private life.
Whether a celebrity or just an everyday, garden variety, human being...boundaries are important for our well-being so say those in the "know".
One common boundary is our "personal space". Depending on our cultural background, most of us have a personal space boundary; the proximity of how close someone else can be/stand without us feeling uncomfortable. In conversation with a few friends, the topic of boundaries came up, so to illustrate how strongly this boundary often is experienced, I purposely stepped into their personal spaces; that is; I asked: is this too close? How does it feel when I stand this close to you?
(Tip: if the person you are speaking with keeps backing away, chances are that you are probably, albeit unwittingly, breaching that person's personal space.)
There are many different kinds of boundaries: physical, emotional, relational, cultural, behavioural, verbal, to mention a few. (A boundary can be defined as a "limit".)
Commonly we begin to form our boundaries in early childhood through our interactions within our families and environment. How we are treated as children often reflects our experiences of boundaries; if as children our boundaries are respected, then we will learn to respect others boundaries. On the other hand, if our boundaries are not respected we may find it difficult to gain a clear sense of ourselves in relation to others, and we may also find it difficult to verbalise when and if we feel a boundary has been crossed. Having clear boundaries assist us in determining how we treat others and how we allow others to treat us. (If in doubt, one can always just ask: is it okay if.....?, or "I feel uncomfortable when.......")
Ofcourse, to know and understand what our boundaries are, we need to identify them, so we may have to spend some time thinking about what they are. Basically, we need to name our limits.
It's not okay for me to........(insert here your limits)....
I am okay with.........(insert here what is okay with you)........
(Although, what is not okay with you, may be okay with someone else, and vice versa, so respect is an important aspect of this.) Communicating clearly and respectfully, if or when, we feel a boundary is crossed has the potential to empower our sense of ourselves and assist in others gaining a clearer understanding of who we are and what we stand for.
This at times may seem somewhat scary if we worry about the response "speaking up" may invoke.
Examples: "Would it be okay with you if we turned off the phones while we eat, I feel that it would be easier to talk if we did?" "Do you think you could just listen rather than telling me what I am doing wrong?" "I don't view it the same way as you do, do you think we could just change the subject?" "I know that you are going through a hard time right now, but so am I, so do you think that we can talk about this later?"
Self-care is important for us all, and sometimes this may mean being firm in adhering to our boundaries/limits even if it may evoke a "negative" response in others. I have lost count of how many times my fellow musicians made fun of me for not drinking alcohol, do any drugs, or indulged in "one-nite-stands"....... (To do so, for me would be to violate a boundary; that of being a professional, taking my art seriously, and staying true to myself.)
Most of the time, I believe people do respect our boundaries, especially if they are clearly defined and understood. (Eventually many of my fellow musicians stopped making fun of me for being a "straight edge" and started to treat my "self-imposed" boundaries with respect rather than sarcasm.)
So, what signs are there of un-healthy boundaries you may ask.
Some suggestions: going against your own morals and ethics to please others
saying "yes" when you really mean "no"
allowing others to define who you are
not speaking up for yourself when you feel mistreated
believing/thinking its up to others to make you feel good about yourself
disrespecting other's boundaries
Luckily for me, I have a son who has helped me immensely to understand the importance of boundaries. It can be quite confrontational to be told "off" for a boundary infringement, whether by a stranger, partner, friend, or a family member, but, in my view, it can also be immensely valuable.
Perhaps, if some boundaries had been imposed on the media's access to Marilyn Monroe,
her inner core could have remained strong enough to keep Norma Jean alive.
"Appropriate boundaries create integrity." (Rae Shagalov)
"Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices."
(Gerard Manly Hopkins)
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