No matter how broken, a human being is still a human being............

''Shelby Crisis Center, how may I help you?''

''Umm, well, I'm not sure, I've never called one of these places before.''

''Okay, sure, I'm here to help. Why don't you begin by telling me what's on your mind?

''Umm, so, like, I have this hollow kinda sad feeling that I don't seem to be able to shake.''

''I see, so what I am hearing you say, is that you have a hollow sad feeling that you can't

     seem to get  rid off, is that correct?

''Yeah, it started a few months ago. I see myself as an easy-going kinda guy, not into all

    that touchy-feely stuff, more like it is what it is person, but I feel like there's

    something missing all the time. I mean, I never used to worry about you know, getting

    sick and stuff, but with the pandemic and all, everything feels so uncertain.''

''This feeling of uncertainty makes you feel uncomfortable?''

''Yeah. Like, when I was a kid, it wasn't easy. My folks were okay I guess, but they

    were always busy. My sister and I had to basically figure out most things

    for ourselves. In a way, I was more of a parent to my sister then my parents. 

   At least that's what it felt like for me.''

"That must have been difficult for you.''

''It was. Like, a lot of the time I had to be strong although I felt confused and sad.

   It did get a bit easier when we got older though. I started to spend a lot of time on the 

   computer, playing games and stuff.  My sister, well, she got her own friends and

   computer.

   At first I didn't mind that all of us in the family were doing our own thing.

   Eventually though, I started to notice that none of us really talked to each 

   other any more. Like, we were all more like house mates rather than a family.''

''It sounds to me as if you started to feel a bit disconnected from the rest of your

   family, is that correct?''

''I guess. I mean, there were times when we would all sit at the table and have dinner,

   but usually we would all keep checking our phones. We did very little actual talking

   with each other. Not that I have a lot of important stuff to talk about .....but

   I've started to feel as if we've become strangers. I mean, my sister spends most 

   of her time in her bedroom with the door closed and we don't even watch

   movies together any more.''

''I see. You miss the closeness that you used to have with your sister, is that right?''

''I guess you could say that. Don't get me wrong, I ain't no sissy, but it felt good to

   know that she was around and that she got me and I got her.

   Like, we could talk for hours about everything, we would watch movies together, 

   and sometimes we would just hang out....like, we were tight. These days, the phone

   seems to be her best friend. And mum and dad, well, they do most of their stuff

   separately not together any more..... Hey, can I ask you something?''

''Of course, what would you like to know?''

''What does alienation mean? I heard one of the teachers use that word the other day

   and I'm wondering what it means. I googled it but I'm still not clear on exactly

   what it means.''

''There are different ways of understanding that word, so I'll offer you the way

   I interpret it. To feel alienated, is to feel as if you are disconnected from others. 

   Not included, sometimes even feeling rejected by the people you care about.

   Does this definition of the term alienated fit with your feelings?''

''Dunno. Perhaps. What about loneliness? Is that the same as feeling alienated?

   See, this is what confuses me. Can you feel both? Can you feel lonely

  and alienated at the same time?''

''In my opinion, yes. They often blend into each other, but not necessarily.''

''Huh? What do you mean?''

''Well, it is possible to have hundreds of friends on social media platforms or

   in real life and yet, feel lonely, when we are on our own. It is also possible 

   for a person to feel alienated in a so called ''happy'' family.''

''So, this hollow kinda sad feeling that I seem to feel all the time, is it possible..

   .....nah, it seems crazy.....I mean, I'm always messaging or being messaged

   ......is it possible, that I'm still feeling.....lonely??  Or...lonely and alienated??''

 ''I don't know. What do you think?''

''I'm not sure. Do you think that if we were to talk to each other more in my family

 and do more stuff together, I wouldn't feel this way?''

''Perhaps. Have you talked to your parents or your sister about what you are feeling?

''Nah.

''Do you talk to any of your on-line or real life friends about how you are feeling?

''No.

''Why not if I may ask?''

''It's not the sort of things one talks about. Well, not me anyways. There's so many

   trolls on line. You say one thing they don't like and the next thing you know ,you're

   being bullied. It's hard enough just dealing with everyday stuff. I don't need the

   extra aggravation having some anonymous trolls giving me a hard time. I can just

   imagine the shit people would say if I'd say that I feel lonely. Lonely people are

   losers.''

''You think that lonely people are losers, is that right?''

''Well, perhaps not so much losers as needy. Needy people always need more...like they

    don't seem to know how to pull back on their neediness.

   I definitely don't want others to see me as a lonely needy guy.''

''I see. How would you like others to see you?''

''What sort of question is that? I mean, obviously I want others to see me as I am.''

''Aha. I see. So how would you describe yourself?''

''I know how to take care of myself. I'm no loser lonely guy. I can roll with 

   the punches. Just because I feel hollow and sad inside sometimes, don't mean

   that I'm weak or needy.''

''I agree. It doesn't. So let me ask you this question.

   Do you think that it is possible, that feeling hollow and sad inside sometimes,

   rather than being a sign of weakness, or neediness, may perhaps be a sign of a 

   subconscious desire in you for more meaningful and deeper human connections?

''What does more meaningful and deeper human connections mean?''

''In my view, it means connecting with people on a mutual and shared level of trust,

   common values, interests, respect and compassion.''

''So my hollow and sad feeling is telling me.... to what? Open up more? 

 Talk about my feelings?''

''Is that something you think you could do?''

''I dunno. Perhaps. Perhaps I could talk to Pippi, my sister. Perhaps we could

   become tight again. I don't know. It would be nice though to feel close to her

   again. Anyway, I guess it's worth a shot....So, thanks for talking with me about

   these things. Gotta go now though, my mobile is ringing.

''Okay. Thanks for the chat and take care. Bye.

about the image: graphite on large cardboard

Title: ''A broken human being is still a human being''

sorry for the spacing.....something is glitching

Anger is a dish best served cold..........

I have a issue with anger.

Not with being able to control it, no, my issue is

the opposite....it's hard for me to express.

Is that not a good thing? you may ask.

Sometimes yes, other times...not so much.

According to some in the know ''anger is an emotion 

characterized by antagonism toward someone or something

we feel has deliberately done us wrong.''

Sometimes it can be good as it can motivate us to do something,

find a solution to that which angers us.

Other times it may cause us to respond in a way that

rather than improving a situation we make it worse. 

We all have different ''triggers'' that trigger an angry response

in us.

For some of us it may be feeling powerless, frustrated,

misunderstood, treated unfairly or disrespected.

For others it may be feeling ignored, belittled or not

being heard. 

And for some of us, perhaps all the above.

How we handle expressing our anger is very much influenced

by our childhood/upbringing and our past experiences

with anger.

If we grew up in an environment in which it was okay

(as in no real consequences)

to express anger aggressively and explosively, chances

are that we will adopt that pattern. 

(Often doing so subconsciously and without giving it

much thought as to if perhaps there are better ways

for us to deal with anger.)

If we grew up in an environment in which expressing

complaints or anger was chastised, chances are that

we will adopt a pattern of suppressing ''strong'' emotions.

Or, some of us may have grown up in environments in which

 one day it's okay to express our anger or other strong emotions

 and the next it's not.

My hunch is that that may create quite a lot of confusion

in a child. Feeling that he/she is not being able to express his/her 

true emotions the child may resort to ''masking'' them by

being defiant, sullen, grumpy, refusing to talk or turning his/her

emotions inwards on him/herself.

In other words, the child may develop a pattern of minimizing,

denying or ignoring his/her feelings as he/she doesn't

really trust them.

Which brings me to self-regulation.

For those of us who may carry with us less helpful and

life-affirming behaviour patterns from our childhoods,

there are things we can do to change those behaviour patterns.

One of those things we can do is self-regulation.

Self-regulation is about being able to manage our emotions/

feelings in a life-affirming way.

It's about being able to feel what we feel, identifying what

we are feeling and choosing not to lash out, blow up, hand

out a tongue lashing, etc. etc.

According to people who knows about this stuff there

are things we can do to improve how we deal with

strong emotions. (Insert here your interpretation of what

you view as strong emotions.)

Take a conscious breath.

 (It creates a space for you to choose

a response.)

Identify and name your feeling.

  Acknowledge and accept that feeling.  

Notice what your body is telling you.

''Grab'' hold of your thoughts.

Choose your response.

This may seem preposterous, I know.

Somebody insults me and I'm supposed to be going 

through a whole list of stuff before I respond?!

Let's put it a different way: 

Take a breath and consider possible outcomes before you respond.

In between gigs(music) I used to work as a picker and

packer in different warehouses.

On one of those occasions there was guy who saw it as 

his ''duty'' to bully me. All day, every day.

Eventually I got angry enough to respond.

I took a big breath, stepped right up to him,

looked straight into his eyes and said very calmly:

''Never mistake kindness for weakness.''

After that he left me alone.

Self-regulation as far as I can ascertain, works 

because it helps us to stay true to our guiding

life values, ethics and principles.

''Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel

in which it is stored than on anything on which it is poured.''

(Mark Twain)

''How much more grievous are the consequences of anger

than the causes of it.''

(Marcus Aurelius)

about the image: acrylic on canvas 

A close-up of a painting I did of an angry horse

                                            

Let your hopes, not your hurts shape your future..........

 ''Hope is that thing with feathers.

That perches in the soul and sings the

tune without words

And never stops at all.''

(Emily Dickinson)

Hope, what is it really?

Some may call it ''wishful thinking'', perhaps

even delusional or denial thinking.

In my view, hope is that inner something that refuses

to give up on the possibility that ''things can get better''.

In the words of Austrian psychiatrist Victor E. Frankl: 

''Forces beyond your

control can take away everything you possess except

one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond

to any given situation.'' 

(Well, he should know, he managed to survive years in

different Nazi concentration camps.)

The first time I read those words a lightbulb went on

in my mind. Wow! I decided to test the truth of those words

by challenging my thinking.

Were there other words I could use to define the difficulties

I was dealing with?

Okay, lets get rid of absolutes for a start.

Words such as: everything, always, everybody, all the time,

nothing, wrong, never, impossible etc. etc.

Instead I decided to use words such as: perhaps, sometimes,

 possible, some people, another way of viewing it etc. etc.

''Sometimes some things don't work out the way I

would like them to, but sometimes they do.''

''Sometimes some people say hurtful things and

sometimes some people say kind things.''

(Reframing, (a term often used in counselling) is a way

of looking at a situations, thoughts, and feelings from a

broader perspective.) 

Reframing is a tool that we can all use should we decide

to do so and it begins with us thinking about our thinking:

Is there a pattern to my thinking?

Do I tend to use absolutes? Do I know for a fact that

xyz said, did, wrote those things?

Is it possible that I misunderstood his/her/their intentions?

Was what happened perhaps an accident rather than an

 intentional act?

Etc. etc.

Challenging the way we think about things we may 

discover that just by using different words to define

what bugs us, our feelings on the matter may change.

I have often heard people say things like:

 ''He/she made me angry! He/she made me upset.

They hurt me. They made me feel unwanted. Etc. etc.''

Victor Frankl has something insightful to say about this too:

''Between stimulus and a response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.''

Whatever our response is to a situation, the ownership

of that response belongs to us.

Which in my view is very liberating.

It gives us the power of choice to respond in a way

 which is in line with our personal ethics, morals and principles.

''I can hear that you are angry but I choose not to respond

in kind.'' Or ''Although I feel hurt by your words I choose not

to respond in kind.''

It is liberating for me to know that I am in charge

of how I am going to respond to different stimuli.

I can choose to respond to anger with calmness,

to cynicism with optimism, to sarcasm with wisdom,

to scorn with kindness, and to humiliation with humility.

I also believe that we have the power of choice when

it comes to hope.

We can choose to have hope even when things seem

dark because in my view hope brings with it ''meaning''.

''Whatever we are, whatever we make of ourselves,

is all we will ever have - and that, in its profound simplicity,

is the meaning of life.''

(Philip Appleman)

Hope offers us the motivation and perseverance

to keep going in spite of doubts and skepticism.

Hope says ''things will get better''.

Hopelessness says ''what's the point?''.

Hope says ''you'll find a way''.

Hopelessness says ''there's nothing I can do''.

Hope says ''maybe there's another way to deal with this''.

Hopelessness says ''I've tried everything and nothing is working.''

Hope says ''Hope cannot be lost, only mislaid.''

Hopelessness says ''Hope cannot be manufactured, when it's gone

it's gone.''

Hope says ''When hopelessness and despair comes knocking on 

the door, send me to answer it.''

Hopelessness says ''Where can I find you when I've lost you?''

Hope says ''You'll find me in choosing words to define your

situation that lifts and encourages you. There are two 

places we can never go to; the past or the future.

The only place we can be in..... is in the now.

So just for now, just call my name and I will be with you.''

''Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.''

(Robert H. Schuller)

about the image: Photograph, edited in Elements

The quote on the image is a quote by Desmond Tutu.

In the words of a child............

 Dear God,

I hope you'll listen to me although I'm just 7 years old.

You see, I am very worried about so many things. 

I am worried about my brother who is not feeling

the best. I love him the most in the whole world.

He is my best friend. He doesn't think that I'm

strange or anything. He doesn't say mean things

to me or take my things from me.

Why God do the other kids do that?

Why are they so mean to me? What's so wrong

with me that no one wants to be my friend?

I don't understand. 

I also don't understand why the teacher doesn't

stop the other kids from saying mean things

to me. And, and, why tell me why, it is so

hard to tell my mum how much I hate school?

Well, maybe not hate, but it hurts so much

to always eat lunch alone and have no one

to be with.

I try to pretend that I don't hurt always 

having to walk home from school alone

or having to run fast so the others don't

hit me or push me.

And why, tell me why do I feel so sad

in my heart all the time?

Sometimes I just want to scream and throw

things but something inside of me tells me

that I can't do that.

Why is that?

I'm writing these things because today the 

teacher told us about you.

She said that you are like a dad in the sky

and that you love everyone.

But if that's true how can I know?

If you love everyone why are there so many

angry people doing mean things?

I know that I'm just a little kid and that there

are many things I don't understand yet but

I would really like it if you could please make my

brother feel good.

And if you could make the mean kids be nicer to me

I would really like that too.

The teacher said that you hear when we 

talk to you. But I feel silly just talking out loud

so that's why I am writing it instead.

But where do I send my letter?

My head hurts just wondering about these

things.

I hope that somehow you will show me

that you have heard my words.

I could do with a good friend.

Lisa

Children need us grownups to see them

and make them feel safe to tell us

what's on their minds.

about the image: ink on paper