I have a issue with anger.
Not with being able to control it, no, my issue is
the opposite....it's hard for me to express.
Is that not a good thing? you may ask.
Sometimes yes, other times...not so much.
According to some in the know ''anger is an emotion
characterized by antagonism toward someone or something
we feel has deliberately done us wrong.''
Sometimes it can be good as it can motivate us to do something,
find a solution to that which angers us.
Other times it may cause us to respond in a way that
rather than improving a situation we make it worse.
We all have different ''triggers'' that trigger an angry response
in us.
For some of us it may be feeling powerless, frustrated,
misunderstood, treated unfairly or disrespected.
For others it may be feeling ignored, belittled or not
being heard.
And for some of us, perhaps all the above.
How we handle expressing our anger is very much influenced
by our childhood/upbringing and our past experiences
with anger.
If we grew up in an environment in which it was okay
(as in no real consequences)
to express anger aggressively and explosively, chances
are that we will adopt that pattern.
(Often doing so subconsciously and without giving it
much thought as to if perhaps there are better ways
for us to deal with anger.)
If we grew up in an environment in which expressing
complaints or anger was chastised, chances are that
we will adopt a pattern of suppressing ''strong'' emotions.
Or, some of us may have grown up in environments in which
one day it's okay to express our anger or other strong emotions
and the next it's not.
My hunch is that that may create quite a lot of confusion
in a child. Feeling that he/she is not being able to express his/her
true emotions the child may resort to ''masking'' them by
being defiant, sullen, grumpy, refusing to talk or turning his/her
emotions inwards on him/herself.
In other words, the child may develop a pattern of minimizing,
denying or ignoring his/her feelings as he/she doesn't
really trust them.
Which brings me to self-regulation.
For those of us who may carry with us less helpful and
life-affirming behaviour patterns from our childhoods,
there are things we can do to change those behaviour patterns.
One of those things we can do is self-regulation.
Self-regulation is about being able to manage our emotions/
feelings in a life-affirming way.
It's about being able to feel what we feel, identifying what
we are feeling and choosing not to lash out, blow up, hand
out a tongue lashing, etc. etc.
According to people who knows about this stuff there
are things we can do to improve how we deal with
strong emotions. (Insert here your interpretation of what
you view as strong emotions.)
Take a conscious breath.
(It creates a space for you to choose
a response.)
Identify and name your feeling.
Acknowledge and accept that feeling.
Notice what your body is telling you.
''Grab'' hold of your thoughts.
Choose your response.
This may seem preposterous, I know.
Somebody insults me and I'm supposed to be going
through a whole list of stuff before I respond?!
Let's put it a different way:
Take a breath and consider possible outcomes before you respond.
In between gigs(music) I used to work as a picker and
packer in different warehouses.
On one of those occasions there was guy who saw it as
his ''duty'' to bully me. All day, every day.
Eventually I got angry enough to respond.
I took a big breath, stepped right up to him,
looked straight into his eyes and said very calmly:
''Never mistake kindness for weakness.''
After that he left me alone.
Self-regulation as far as I can ascertain, works
because it helps us to stay true to our guiding
life values, ethics and principles.
''Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel
in which it is stored than on anything on which it is poured.''
(Mark Twain)
''How much more grievous are the consequences of anger
than the causes of it.''
(Marcus Aurelius)
about the image: acrylic on canvas
A close-up of a painting I did of an angry horse
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