A man stands at the waters edge watching the waves roll in as the sun is slowly setting.
His heart is heavy, his demeanor solemn, and his body language oozing defeat.
Although he is surrounded by beauty; a scintillating clear blue ocean, palm trees gently dancing in rhythm with the wind, and the air filled with the sound of birds singing, ......he however remains un-affected and un-connected regardless of how hard nature tries to entice him into a dialogue.
And he remains so because regrets have ceased his heart, mind, and soul to such an extent that he has become oblivious to life and living as it unfolds in the present.
Regrets. Many of us have them.
Psychology tells us that "regret is a negative cognitive/emotional state that involves blaming ourselves (and here I would like to add my own bit:) and or others for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss and sorrow over what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made."
The thing is however, we can't undo choices we made in the past no matter how much we ruminate,
because whether we like it or not, self-blame and or other-blame, and wishful thinking, cannot change one single thing in our past. (I would hazard a guess that although we may know this to be true, most of us probably still go through times when we "sink" into bouts of regret.)
When we speculate about how things could have been "if we had only.....", more often than not we forget to take into account that even if we had acted/behaved differently, there is no way of knowing for sure that the outcome would have been "better", only that it would have been different.
During my last year of music studies, I was offered a number of wonderful and potentially amazing opportunities to further my career in music, but I turned them all down because all I wanted to do was to become a jazz pianist/composer. My friends told me that I was crazy to turn down such opportunities and although I at times have speculated as to what I may have "missed out on", I have never regretted my decision to pursue (and eventually fulfilling) my dream of becoming a jazz musician/composer.
Regrets belong to the past, but life, happens in the now, and it is in the now that we have the opportunity to make choices that have outcomes that are congruous with our core values.
Hot temper, a short fuse, jealousy, frustration, anger and other intense emotions can at times affect our behaviour in such ways that we may find ourselves acting and or behaving without thinking or considering the outcomes of our actions, and only when the "storm" has blown over are we able to see the "fall-out". We are then faced with either taking ownership and responsibility for our behaviour, or not....some of us may prefer to engage in the "blame game" = blaming others for our behaviour. "He/she/they made me so angry, frustrated, jealous, etc.etc. and that's why I behaved the way I did."
Or, we pretend that nothing happened....and push our feelings into our bag of "deal with later issues".
The thing with "later" however, is that sometimes "later" may be too late.
If we said or did something in the heat of a moment that we later feel bad about, we can chose to apologize and ask for forgiveness, because doing so often tend to ease feelings of guilt and regret.
When my son was born I decided that I would always apologize if I lost my temper with him, or if I judged his actions without first letting him explain, or if I was not paying proper attention to his needs. You guessed it, I have had to apologize many, many, times.......but you know what.....and this is fantastic.....my son does the same.
The longer we put off apologizing when we say or do hurtful things, the harder it seems to become to
do it, so in my view, apologizing as soon as we know that we have hurt someone, intentionally or not, the less will be the regrets that we carry inside of us.
Sometimes, on the other hand, the person we may need to forgive in order to get past a regret may be ourselves. Hindsight is 20/20 vision, so they say, and at times we make choices and decisions that as time passes may prove not to have been the "best" ones, but if we own the choices we have made or make, and learn from them (even-though they were not the best ones), then we have gained valuable insight for future choice and decision making.
Regrets, like all emotions, have a function for survival, so say those in the know. Regret, is our brain telling us to take another look at the choices we make by reminding us of the potential negative and or undesired consequences that may follow. Whatever regrets we may have, it can be helpful to write them down and sort them by deciding which of them we can do something about to set right, and which ones we may not be able to affect any change to.
If nothing can be done, try to let go, forgive yourself, embrace the lesson and move forward.
"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future."
(Steve Maraboli)
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