Courage and bravery can be learned........

(Just in case you are wondering what on earth this image is supposed to be; (but please feel free to have your own interpretation)..... this is the view from under a Dandelion before its seeds have flown.)

Bravery, is often referred to as an admirable quality in a person in most or perhaps even in all, cultures. What a person has to do in order to be considered a brave person however, in my view probably involves a number of variables.

As is often the case with many words, our definitions of words are commonly influenced by our own experiences, belief-systems and biases, so let me offer a few definitions for bravery: courage, valor, being able to show mental and or moral strength in the face of danger.

For me, bravery means staring straight into the center of something one is scared off, (whatever that may be), but instead of trying to avoid it, walk around it, under it, over it, or ignore it......one "walks" right at it.

Tomorrow, I will have to do just that when I go to see my doctor...... because finally my biopsy results have come back. Until I have actually been given the results, like Schrodingers cat experiment; the results are neither bad nor good, they are both.....(I am thinking however, that if they were really bad, they would probably have contacted me by now, so regardless of not knowing, I can still chose to be optimistic.)

Such is not the case for someone my son and I have known for years. Our friend has battled with cancers of varying kinds for many, many years, and now, other life threatening medical issues have popped up. The way he has coped, and still copes with all his health battles, as well as life's curve balls, is for me the very epitome of a behaviour that constitutes being a "brave" person.

Nelson Mandela: "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man (woman) is not he (she) who does not feel afraid, but he (she) who conquers that fear."

Most of us will at times face things, events, people, etc. that evoke fear in us and we will have to decide how to deal with it. There are options: denial, put it on hold, avoid, put it in the "too hard" basket, minimize the size of the issue, and so on,... or face it; investigate options on how to deal with it, seek assistance and guidance from a professional, talk over the problem/issue(s) with a friend or family member, etc.etc.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway" suggests Susan Jeffers. Well, at times this can be quite difficult, although when it comes to dealing with fears that interferes and cripples our quality of life, it is probably good/useful advice. A little analogy: Learning to drive a car (manual) can at first be quite scary for some of us, but if we want the freedom of movement that being able to drive a car offers us, we have to face our fears one by one, and then with practice....  driving suddenly seem to have become almost second nature. 

Most of us experience anxiousness to some degree when we learn or deal with new things/experiences/events/people, but the good news is that more often than not, each time we overcome that anxiousness and forge ahead, a sense of achievement and empowerment follows.

Is it possible that perhaps with "practice" we can become "braver" human beings? 

In my view, the answer is Yes.

"Lifehacker" has this to say: 

                                            1. Be terrified of something

                                            2. Do it anyway

                         3. Be moderately less scared than when you do it the first time

                                            4. Repeat

Another alternative:           1. Be terrified of something

                                           2. Do nothing

                                           3. Still be terrified

There may be much we have little power to change, but one thing we DO have the power to change is our attitude, how we chose to view things, and how we chose to respond to events and experiences in our lives.

About the image: A little colour added to our lives can make a big difference

Beauty resides in the mind........

Flicking through channels on the box (foxtel), suddenly one after the other grotesque image of faces distorted by plastic surgery filled the screen.

(It looked painful, so painful that I could almost feel the pain.)

Pictures of before and after surgery were placed next to each other, followed by interviews with the "patients" who tearfully spoke of how the surgery had "destroyed" their lives.

I know very little about plastic surgery, but I know that in some cases plastic surgery is performed due to patients suffering with severe burns, dis-figuration caused by an accident or a physical altercation, and or other medical issues, and so on. But, such was not the premise for the program that I was watching, the premise for the program (as I understood it) was to tell a story about "patients" who had undergone plastic surgery, not due to a medical issue, but because they were not happy with the way they looked.

Their lips were too thin, their jawline too weak, their ears too big, their nose too big, too small, too crooked, too straight, too bulbous, their eyebrows not thick enough or too thick, their cheekbones too protruding or not defined enough, their skin too wrinkly, their crows-feet too pronounced, their eyelids too heavy, and etc.etc.

 These patients, as I understood it, were motivated to have plastic surgery much due to an underlying belief that "good-looking" = happiness, better opportunities, a better life.

Whether it is true/correct that good looks ensures happiness and a better life I am not so sure of, but what I am sure of and know to be true (judging by statistics) is that the pursuit of "good looks" is a mega dollar industry. 

Roger Moore, who played James Bond in many films, was once asked if he considered himself good looking to which he answered: "Good looking? I don't know about that, but I guess I do have rather symmetrical features."

Bombarded as we are in most western societies by image after image defining for us how we have to look in order to be described as good looking/attractive/beautiful, I am not surprised that so many of us feel/think that we just don't measure up. Hook, line and sinker, we swallow the bait and rather than bristle and defiantly question the definition served up to us, many of carry with us the feeling that we just don't measure up in the "beauty/good looking" department. 

A little analogy: "A house may look beautiful on the outside, but unless there is some light and furniture inside of it, the exterior beauty is not enough to make the house a home."

An oyster may be "ugly" on the outside but within, it holds a precious pearl.

I once worked in a band with a guy who was very good looking, women used to chase after him, give him their phone numbers and proposition him virtually every time we did a gig. I assumed he loved all the attention....until one night when for whatever reason he decided to talk to me about it. 

Much to my surprise he told me that "it was fun in the beginning, but not anymore." "I feel cheap, men can feel cheap too after too many one-night-stands. The women who proposition me, they don't want to know me, they just see a good looking guy on a stage and being with me is not about me, it's about how they feel about themselves having been with me, a musician. I am just a feather in the cap."

According to him, his good looks was more of a deterrent to finding love rather than the opposite.

Whoever said : "Perception is everything",  in my view offers a great insight.

Stephen Hawking, regardless of his physical limitations, to many of us may still seem "beautiful", Joseph Merrick, aka the Elephant man, to those who knew him, was considered a "beautiful" person regardless of his deformed body, as they say: "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."

Our ideals for what we mean with good-looking/attractive/beautiful varies: factors such as tradition, culture, peer pressure, media, exposure, etc.etc. plays a big role in influencing our perceptions. 

Even so, in my experience, once we get to really know somebody and enjoy being with them, our perceptions often change. As we get to love and cherish somebody, looks matter less and less, and who they are as human beings matter more and more. 

Come to think of it, I think this extends to most living creatures. The flea bitten mutt, the scrawny tabby, the turtle with only three legs, the horse with a limp, the black sheep....they are all worthy of being loved. And so are you, whether your lips are too thin (in your view), your butt too big, your nose too crooked, your ears too narrow, etc.etc.

A good looking person can have a mean personality, a beautiful runway model a haughty temperament,

a handsome movie star a cold heart, etc.etc.

Whether we consider ourselves handsome, good looking or visually pleasing, in my view is in the long run less important than whether we consider ourselves as "good" people, because like it or not,

beauty is fleeting but a beautiful soul and mind, and a compassionate disposition lingers even after we have ceased to do so.

Go on, embrace yourself....warts and all.....and others will too.

"Beauty is not in the face; it is a light in the heart."

(Kahil Gibran)

about the painting: a "perfect" face is not about measurements, it is about .......

How our associations to words influence us..........

According to some research, some words are more "powerful" than others and two of the most powerful words are "love" and "peace". How exactly this may be measured, I don't really know, but what I do know, is that I would like to add a word, and that word is "hospital".

Most of us begin our lives in a hospital, and for many of us, this is also where our life-journey's end.

Right now, I am sitting in a Starbucks in a large Hospital, sipping coffee and trying to chew my way through an awful wrap which seem to consist of mainly mushy pumpkin, some other indistinguishable veggis, and a whole lot of un-digestible pumpkin seeds.

My son has been called to the hospital to have yet another fMRI, a procedure which usually takes about one hour or so, so it's up to me to find something to do to pass the time.

I decide to buy a cheap notebook and get a head start on my next blog post. After staring at the blank page for ages, it suddenly dawns on me to write about hospitals, after all, I have spent many, many, long hours in hospitals since I was very young.

For some of us, the word hospital may invoke all sorts of anxieties, flashbacks, scary or happy memories, joyful or sorrowful events, etc.etc., but for others, the word may just be one of many ordinary words. In my case, the word hospital often brings associations with both fear and comfort and emotions ranging from despair to relief, so I guess perhaps I could say that the word in my case, comes with "attachments".

Pondering these attachments I suddenly have a flashback: I am 12 years old and on the other side of a hospital door with a glass window in it, stands my brother. We are not allowed to touch due to the risk of infection, so we put our hands against the glass, look at each other silently, while our hearts whisper I love you. That was the last time I saw him, not much later he died in the hospital. He was 14 years old. 

Somebody suddenly shouts: double shot latte, skim milk! and in an instant I am transported back to the here and now. Although I have only had a few bites of the wrap, I decide to throw it away. 

I still have some coffee left, so I return to my seat after I have thrown away the wrap and then proceed to do my best to swallow all the emotions that the flashback has stirred up. 

This proves impossible. One after the other of flashbacks from times when I have found myself in a hospital waiting room hijacks my mind. The birth of my son, my son's first life threatening asthma attack at 13 months old, followed on by the 2nd attack, 3rd, 4th, and so on....not until in his mid teenage years did it slow down. Hospital, when my son constantly had to be hospitalized, was a word of comfort, a word signifying hope and survival. And then......the turbulence of finding his own way in the world began. "This is doctor Smith, from the ABC hospital, do you have a son by the name of...xyz? He needs emergency surgery and we need your consent..." I threw myself in the car and drove to the hospital with reckless abandon and eventually found myself once again in a waiting room, anxious, scared, yet also comforted by my trust in the surgeon at the hospital to be able to see my son through. Okay, I need to stop these flashbacks and their attachments now, I still have another 25 minutes to wait and I want to be calm and collected when my son has finished his fMRI.

I decide to clock up some steps on my "stepping-gadget" by walking up and down the corridors at the hospital. I toss the empty coffee container in the trash and take off.

That was a few days ago, I am now sitting at my computer. 

We have not been given any results by the hospital as to what they found on the fMRI, only another appointment. We do know however, that my son has tumors that need to be removed and that he will have to have some delicate surgery done. So, more waiting rooms, more hospital visits, and more worry. 

But hey, considering the fact that there are so many people who do not have access to hospitals (for a varied number of reasons), or that there are people who live in war torn countries where hospitals are targets used as a mean to exert control, or that there are people who can't access hospitals due to crazy healthcare systems, etc.etc., it may be worthwhile pondering how fortunate those of us are who have access to hospitals when and or if we need it. (This of course includes me)

Have you ever been asked to do a "word-association" test?

If not, then basically it is a method of trying to understand/gain insight into people's personality traits and mental functions by asking people to respond to words by giving as a response the first words that springs to mind. Examples: blue, red, white= a flag, green, legs, slimy=a frog, nurse, pain, bed=hospital...and so on.

In my opinion, most of us are involved with "word-association" most everyday, although we are mostly unaware of doing so. For me the word hospital triggers a lot of other words, but not only words, but also memories, emotions, events, and so on. ("Attachments")

Word-association, in my view, can at times be helpful to help us find a path to follow in order to understand our feeling-responses to some words and some word combinations. 

Here are some other "powerful" words that can evoke strong responses: religion, God, politics, poverty, suffering, right/wrong, truth, etc.etc ......

For one person suffering may be associated with their own experiences, for another it may be associated with someone else going through suffering, for one person dentist may be associated with fear and trepidation, for another person it may be associated with good dental hygiene, and so on.

Being able to communicate and understand each other well is often assisted/helped by us understanding our associations with words that trigger strong emotional responses in us and others.

For me the word hospital has a lot of associations, can you think of a word that has a lot of associations for you?

I think you may be surprised at all the words that may come tumbling out once you allow yourself to just let them flow freely.......:)

"He showed the word "chocolate cake" to a group of Americans and recorded their word associations. "Guilt" was the top response. If that strikes you as unexceptional, consider the response of French eaters to the same prompt: "celebration"."
(Michael Pollan)

"Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour"....the power of words

Have you ever experienced times when it seemed as if out of nowhere

suddenly your thoughts had been hi-jacked? Your in bed, almost asleep, up pops a thought..."did I lock the back door? what did he/she mean when he/she said...?  what if ......?  did I turn off the....? etc.etc.

The other night I was awakened by a loud thud coming from my neighbour's unit. Since they had supposedly moved out, I was perplexed as to what was making all the racket at 2:30 in the morning.

My mind was racing. "Thought-bandits" hi-jacked my thinking. Maybe my neighbours had moved out their stuff in order to make space for a meth-lab? (Apparently this happens) Maybe some thieves had broken in and were stealing whatever stuff was still left in the unit? (This happened here in this complex not long ago) What if someone was hurt? A rapid-fire of thoughts and memories of past nocturnal traumatic events flooded my mind. 

How much control to we have over our thoughts? More to the point, where do thoughts actually come from? Apparently, according to Yohan John, NeuroScience PhD, thoughts come from "everywhere and nowhere" and sometimes just "pop up". Huh?  Well, he also says that thoughts come from neural processes and they come from everywhere, as in, the forms and dynamics of thoughts are influenced by everything that has a causal connection with us. (Although science may one day say something else, for now, thoughts for all intents and purposes, are made up of words/language.)

So thoughts are made up of words...so, what are words then made of, or more succinct: what are words?

Wikipedia: "Words are thought(?) of as the smallest meaningful unit of speech that can stand by themselves."

By now you may have come to the conclusion (like me) that thoughts and words both belong to the "we don't really know what they are and or how to efficiently explain them" category.

What we do know on the other hand is that thoughts and the words that make up our thoughts, play a very important part in our lives. We may not have all that much control over some thoughts, as in thoughts that seem to just pop up out of nowhere, but how we respond to the thoughts we have, this we do have the possibility to control to a large extent.

Once a thought grab ahold of us, it can be hard to let it go of it even if we recognize that the thought is making us anxious and or upset. Thoughts are often connected to emotions/feelings, images, past experiences, and one word can at times trigger a flood of different emotions. Although, so can a sound, a smell, an event, etc. (Some say that a smell can be a very powerful memory trigger.) For people who suffer with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or compulsive obsessive disorder, recognizing their "triggers" can be a very important aspect of understanding these disorders and how to find a helpful way to deal with them.

(Struggling with a mild form of PTSD myself, the smell of alcohol, or unexpected thuds in the night, are some of my triggers.)

"Now that we've found love, what are we gonna do with it" sings Heavy D, perhaps one could rephrase that and say: "Now that we have found thoughts that trigger suffering/pain/confusion/fear....what are we gonna do with them?"

Thoughts may be able to just pop up seemingly out of nowhere, but once we are aware of them, in my view, we do have an opportunity to decide how we will respond to them.

A very helpful tool (self-help tool) in my opinion, is "cognitive re-framing". Basically it is looking at an event/situation/memory from a number of different perspectives, as in, seeking alternative interpretations, perceptions, and words to define the experience. Ex: Situation: A man comes home to find his family standing on the road in front of their home burnt to the ground. Thought: I have lost everything. Feeling: sadness, anger, disillusionment, a sense of profound loss.

Same situation but with a different thought from the man. Thought: My family is safe. All I have lost can be replaced. Feeling: Relief, and a sense of gratitude that his loved ones are safe.

"As you think, so shall you become." (Bruce Lee)

And since we use words to think with, then it seems to me that the words we use to think with are very important. Ex: "People should be more considerate of others, because I am." If this is our thinking then it is possible that when people fail to match our perception of what being considerate means, we will feel disappointed/sad/disheartened. Put another way: "I am a considerate person because I believe that being considerate to others is a good thing, whether others view it the same way or not, is up to them."

I have found the phrase- "or put another way"- to be really helpful in finding alternative perspectives on how to define and interpret events/experiences/emotions, .......perhaps you may too?

If a "thought-bandit" (intrusive/maladaptive thought) comes and demands for you to hand over your thoughts, it may be helpful to remember that by changing the words that your thoughts consist of, you have the possibility to change your thoughts, and by doing so, potentially change a negative emotional response into a more positive (life-affirming) one.

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour.

Keep your behaviour positive because your behaviour becomes your habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny."

(Gandhi)

On owning one's feelings and responses.....

Always on the search for interesting books I often find myself browsing for bargains in second hand shops, and on one such an occasion, I found "Choice Theory" authored by William Glasser M.D. Have you ever used the phrase: "He or she made me feel so angry/frustrated, scared/etc.etc that.....", or "you make me feel......", "they made me feel that I....."?

According to Glasser, Choice Theory explains to us how we choose everything we do, other people can neither make us happy nor unhappy, other people cannot make us feel what we feel. What others offer/gives us, is information, and information in itself is void of feelings. We process the information, then we decide how we will respond to it.

In Glasser's opinion, (as I understand it) understanding that we have the freedom to choose how we will respond to any given information/action or behaviour, offers us an opportunity to respond thoughtfully and deliberately.

I have a feeling that for many of us, digesting the statement that "nobody can make you feel anything" can be a pretty tough task, after all, telling someone "you make me feel...(whatever you are feeling).......is common parlance. If Glasser's Choice Theory is correct, then whatever we are feeling as a response to something, we are responsible for, that is, the ownership of whatever our feelings may be, belongs to us. (If we say to someone "You make me feel so angry!" we are basically handing over the responsibility of our feelings of anger to "You", as in, we didn't choose the anger, the other did.)

 Beginning a sentence with "you make me feel" is often problematic because it tends to sound like an accusation, and more often than not provokes counter-accusations and or antagonism...."I make you feel??? What about what you make me feel??!!"

                   I believe that most of us desire to build and maintain good relationships with people that are important to us, and to do so, it is often helpful to understand that how we express our feelings play an important role as to the quality of our relationships, as well as, understanding that the only person whose behaviour we can control, is our own. 

Most of the time when we communicate, we use words, but the use of words can be problematic ....they have many different interpretations and definitions....let me ask you, what does the word "relationship" mean to you?

The way two or more people/things are connected? A state of connectedness with emotional bonds, close connections with someone/something, being part of and or belonging to a specific someone or something? How we define "relationship" is important in my view, because commonly we have expectations attached to the word....although, those expectations are seldom voiced but more often assumed. "Now that we are in a relationship, I thought you wouldn't....." ..."You're my brother/sister, why did you......?"etc.etc. In my view, for any kind of relationship to flourish, we need to communicate clearly, precisely, and compassionately. (Mind reading is not recommended :)

We can choose our words, we can choose to have eye contact when we speak, we can choose to listen, we can choose at what volume we speak, we can choose to take responsibility for our actions and behaviours aka: "I am sorry that I was irritated/angry/flustered/etc. with you, I am just feeling a bit on edge at the moment".  In my view, caring for those with whom we have a relationship without any inclinations toward "ownership" and or "rightful expectations" is often a helpful approach. (Which, for those of us who are parents, may prove to be a long-lasting battle to overcome.)

Glasser: "To achieve and maintain the relationships we need, we must stop choosing to coerce, force, compel, punish, reward, manipulate, boss, motivate, criticize, blame, complain, nag, badger, rank, rate, and withdraw. We must replace these destructive behaviours with choosing to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem."

"When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself."

(Deepak Chopra)

About the image: The rain does not make us use an umbrella, we choose to use one.......or not.

The importance of eye contact......

When you speak with someone, how important is it for you to have eye contact?

Have you ever said to someone: "look me in the eyes when you say that so that I know that you are telling me the truth", or "your mouth says one thing but your eyes says something different", or "can you please take off your sun-glasses so that I can see your eyes?"

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is a "scanner"? With "scanner" I mean a person who constantly shifts his/her gaze... only for split seconds here and there do your eyes connect so you are never really sure if the scanner has actually paid any attention to anything you have said to him/her. (Kids, I have discovered, are masters at noticing when adults are "scanning" rather than interacting. "Look at me when I am talking to you, mum/dad!" they demand, and a tantrum of some kind may often follow if the demand is not met.)

In many Western societies (Eastern societies are different), having eye contact when we speak with someone, shows that we are paying attention and that we are interested in connecting with the person we are speaking with. 

(And vice versa: we often avoid eye contact in situations we may find uncomfortable: the loud drunk on the bus, the screaming child in the super market queue, the man/woman speaking out loud to him/herself in the waiting room, riding an elevator with strangers, etc.etc. aka: "don't make eye contact with strange people".)

For some of us, eye contact can perhaps be experienced as a little bit too "intimate". If the saying "the eyes are the window to the soul" is true, then eye contact can perhaps even be experienced as "intrusive" under certain circumstances. 

According to some inquiries made by those in the "know", we are able to read a person's emotions by just looking in to their eyes, which is perhaps a reason for why so many of us find it uncomfortable to speak to strangers, to speak with people wearing dark glasses, wearing caps with the visors pulled down so the eyes can't be seen, or wearing mirror sun-glasses.

Even if we happen to be shy, there are benefits to having eye contact with those we speak with or listen to, even if it may be a bit challenging.

Through having eye contact when we interact with others, a mutual exchange of respect, attention, appreciation, understanding and acknowledgment can be had, and at times, even without having to utter one word.

Slouched in a chair, tired beyond words, sipping cold, watery coffee from a plastic cup, my eyes gazed around the impersonal hospital waiting room. My son was being attended to by a pediatrician in another room, so I had a few minutes to myself. I looked at my hand holding the plastic cup and noticed that it was still shaking from having spent hours of carrying my son while he was struggling to breathe, to stay alive. In a dimly lit room across from where I was sitting, I saw a man sitting in a chair with a small, sleeping child in his arms. Just like my son, this boy was also hooked up to bags,  bottles, and an assortment of machines. Although my eyes felt like they had saw dust in them and I could barely see, I just couldn't take my eyes of the man and the boy. Suddenly, the man looked straight at me. We locked eyes. In the 20 or so seconds our eyes connected and without speaking even one word, I knew that he knew that I knew what we were both going through. 

Amazing as today's technology is, I can't help but wonder sometimes if we do not spend perhaps too much time gazing at screens rather than in to each others eyes. An i-Thingy may be able to do many things, but as a substitute for face to face, human inter action and connection, comfort and compassion, in my view, an i-Thingy is a poor substitute.

"Sometimes you have to disconnect to stay connected. Remember the old days when you had eye contact during a conversation? When everyone wasn't looking down at a device in their hands? We have become so focused on that tiny screen that we forget the big picture,.... the people right in front of us." (Regina Brett)

Surviving boarding school....one woman's story

For a year or so, I worked in an art gallery. While I was working there, I would sometimes have lunch with some of the others on duty in the gallery. One rainy and very slow day in the gallery, I was told a story by a woman on duty with me that day that made such an impact on me that I had to write it down.

(This is my rendition,  after the application of some "poetic licence".)

Circus Girl

The bell rings, she runs to get ready,

a brush through the hair, heart quite steady.

Socks pulled up, unruly skirt straightened,

eyes thoroughly fixed on the front gate opened.

Five o'clock and she's still there waiting,

the hope of them coming, slowly waning.

Maybe she thinks, they're just running late,

just a few minutes more, and they'll walk through the gate.

As the sun slowly sets and the evening bells chime,

she knows they're not coming, well, not this time.

She returns to her dorm, small suitcase in hand,

why they so seldom come, she can't understand.

She misses the Circus and all her friends there,

she misses the music and the atmosphere.

She misses her father clowning around,

her mother soaring, high above the ground.

Why had they decided to put her in this place,

so harsh so cold, such an unhappy space?

Nuns with stiff clothing and quick to reprimand,

and visiting Fathers with strange demands.

Do the nuns not know what the Fathers do,

behind closed doors, and out of view?

In the dark little room at the top of the stairs,

some Fathers perform, their illicit affairs.

She has decided to be, a brave little girl,

to create for herself, her own little world.

A world in which, she cannot be touched,

by men in robes, driven by lust.

The bell rings, she runs to get ready,

a brush through the hair, heart quite steady.

Socks pulled up, unruly skirt straightened,

eyes thoroughly fixed, on the front gate opened.

In through the gate, the Circus marches,

filling the air, with music and laughter.

Home, she thinks, has now come for me,

and home is where I, really want to be.

************

The woman who told me the story is an artist who specializes in creating masks. The masks she creates are highly sought after by many professional performers in the theater, ballet, musicals, operas, etc.etc. When I asked her why she creates masks, she told me that wearing a "mask" was how she survived her years at boarding school. Though it may seem a bit fantastical, she really did grow up in the circus. Her mother was a trapeze artist, and her father a clown.