Always on the search for interesting books I often find myself browsing for bargains in second hand shops, and on one such an occasion, I found "Choice Theory" authored by William Glasser M.D. Have you ever used the phrase: "He or she made me feel so angry/frustrated, scared/etc.etc that.....", or "you make me feel......", "they made me feel that I....."?
According to Glasser, Choice Theory explains to us how we choose everything we do, other people can neither make us happy nor unhappy, other people cannot make us feel what we feel. What others offer/gives us, is information, and information in itself is void of feelings. We process the information, then we decide how we will respond to it.
In Glasser's opinion, (as I understand it) understanding that we have the freedom to choose how we will respond to any given information/action or behaviour, offers us an opportunity to respond thoughtfully and deliberately.
I have a feeling that for many of us, digesting the statement that "nobody can make you feel anything" can be a pretty tough task, after all, telling someone "you make me feel...(whatever you are feeling).......is common parlance. If Glasser's Choice Theory is correct, then whatever we are feeling as a response to something, we are responsible for, that is, the ownership of whatever our feelings may be, belongs to us. (If we say to someone "You make me feel so angry!" we are basically handing over the responsibility of our feelings of anger to "You", as in, we didn't choose the anger, the other did.)
Beginning a sentence with "you make me feel" is often problematic because it tends to sound like an accusation, and more often than not provokes counter-accusations and or antagonism...."I make you feel??? What about what you make me feel??!!"
I believe that most of us desire to build and maintain good relationships with people that are important to us, and to do so, it is often helpful to understand that how we express our feelings play an important role as to the quality of our relationships, as well as, understanding that the only person whose behaviour we can control, is our own.
Most of the time when we communicate, we use words, but the use of words can be problematic ....they have many different interpretations and definitions....let me ask you, what does the word "relationship" mean to you?
The way two or more people/things are connected? A state of connectedness with emotional bonds, close connections with someone/something, being part of and or belonging to a specific someone or something? How we define "relationship" is important in my view, because commonly we have expectations attached to the word....although, those expectations are seldom voiced but more often assumed. "Now that we are in a relationship, I thought you wouldn't....." ..."You're my brother/sister, why did you......?"etc.etc. In my view, for any kind of relationship to flourish, we need to communicate clearly, precisely, and compassionately. (Mind reading is not recommended :)
We can choose our words, we can choose to have eye contact when we speak, we can choose to listen, we can choose at what volume we speak, we can choose to take responsibility for our actions and behaviours aka: "I am sorry that I was irritated/angry/flustered/etc. with you, I am just feeling a bit on edge at the moment". In my view, caring for those with whom we have a relationship without any inclinations toward "ownership" and or "rightful expectations" is often a helpful approach. (Which, for those of us who are parents, may prove to be a long-lasting battle to overcome.)
Glasser: "To achieve and maintain the relationships we need, we must stop choosing to coerce, force, compel, punish, reward, manipulate, boss, motivate, criticize, blame, complain, nag, badger, rank, rate, and withdraw. We must replace these destructive behaviours with choosing to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem."
"When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself."
(Deepak Chopra)
About the image: The rain does not make us use an umbrella, we choose to use one.......or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment