Are we the stories we tell ourselves, are we our narratives?

 

 So what’s a narrative?

Basically it’s an account of events, a series of things happenings regardless of them being fictitious or not. Our narratives; stories; fills our lives much like the water fills the lives of fish, and they seem so all-pervasive that we hardly notice them. Dr Phil says: “We don’t respond to what happens in our lives, but what we tell ourselves about what’s happening.                 

Polkinghorne puts it this way: “We create narrative descriptions for ourselves and for others about our own past actions, and we develop storied accounts that give sense to the behaviour of others. We also use the narrative scheme to inform our decisions by constructing imaginative "what if" scenarios. On the receiving end, we are constantly confronted with stories during our conversations and encounters with the written and visual media.” “Since the beginning of time mankind has been a people with a narrative”, Barthes suggests.

The way in which we explain and/or justify our behaviour has more to do with a story being credible rather than constructing a logical argument or providing evidential reasoning. The traditional paradigm of the rational world, which is seen as a scientific or philosophical approach to knowledge assumes that people are logical and make decisions on the basis of evidence and lines of argument, however, some suggest that people are basically storytellers and as such we are subjected to subjectivity, incomplete understanding, and misinterpretation.  

One of the first language skills we learn as children is narration (story telling) and this seems to be universal and across cultures and time. To learn a story, we need no reading or writing skills, it can be passed on orally, argumentation on the other hand, includes both and must be taught. However, even after learning argumentation many people prefer to use narratives. “You wouldn’t believe what happened to me today, let me tell you the story!!” probably communicates an event more directly and effectively for most of us than a well thought out and formulated argument.

Through stories we connect with others and often we include analogies and parables in preference to dry data. “He was as big as a house”, “He/she drinks like a fish”, “…as poor as a church mouse”, “you reap what you sow”, etc..

We understand and recognise things and people by the stories we tell ourselves about them regardless of how “true” or “false” they may be. This, if I may suggest, is also the case for the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

We don’t have memories of every moment lived in our lives, we retain only small fragments of experience, but these fragments we use to make up the tapestry of our lives, our “narrative”, that gives us meaning, purpose, direction and understanding of the world we live in.

Our narratives are as uniquely ours, as others are theirs, which may offer one of many explanations for why we at times may find it difficult to understand others behaviours, interpretations and responses. If, as an example, our narrative tells us that “playing our cards close to our chest”is the proper way of dealing with certain situations, we may find someone who openly and demonstratively shows “their hand” to act “incorrectly” which may lead to a lack of understanding and difficulty in communication. Perhaps by recognising and understanding the narratives that drive our responses, we can understand the feelings that accompany them?

Because, feelings whether obvious or not, do tend to colour our narratives. If we were bullied at school, can we narrate the story without experiencing any feelings? If we received an achievement award at some point, can we narrate the story without experiencing any feelings?

If we did something in our youth that we now rather forget about, can we narrate the story without experiencing any feelings? (Conscious subjective experience of emotions= feelings according to Wikipedia)

Example: Feelings can be like an unwanted computer virus invisibly attached to a file you've downloaded from the net. It can potentially crash your system unless you can identify it.

Once we have identified the "virus"(feeling) we can deal with it.

 

And just like there is software available to identify the many viruses, we have "software" to identify our feelings, and as we learn to recognise them we become apt at dealing with them.

What is the "software"?, you may ask. I will suggest that putting a face on our emotions, is our software.

Well, millions of people do it every day, Emoticons they are called......:)

If we are our narratives/stories, the good thing is we can change them if we so desire. We are all given the freedom to choose our attitude towards the events and happenings in our lives and like Dr Phil said: "We don't respond to what happens in our lives, but what we tell ourselves about what is happening".

(ps: about the painting.......a lady of the night watches as the man hides his face in shame)

Gifts come in many unexpected wrappings...

It's a dark and chilly winters afternoon thirteen days before Christmas when a tall, and skinny strange man wearing an over sized coat and a well worn pork pie hat enters Rosa's Diner. Tucked under his left arm he has a violin case and in his right hand, a small leather suitcase. The few regulars in Rosa's diner lift their gaze from their food and cautiously take a visual snapshot of the Stranger. Slowly and with what seems to be considerable effort, the man sits down at a table in the corner by the bay window, removes his hat, tucks the small suitcase under the table and with great gentleness places the violin case on a chair next to himself. Rosa tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear, corrects her apron and walks up to the stranger. "-Welcome to Rosa's Diner, I am Rosa, what would you like order Sir?" The Stranger lifts his head and with a quiet voice orders a cup of black coffee. "-Anything to eat with that?" Rosa asks,      "-We have the best pancakes this side of the Tamutha River" she adds. The man nods his head in an affirmative gesture, Rosa smiles in response then turns around and walks toward the kitchen.

 The regulars turn back to their food and continue eating, and speaking in muted tones. Rosa is highly esteemed in this little town and if someone is accepted by Rosa, the rest of the town will follow suit.

The Stranger sips his coffee slowly and deliberately as if every sip offers a new taste sensation, the pancakes are cut into small measured pieces, each bite savoured and remembered. Rosa watches the man from behind the counter and can't help but wonder what kind of suffering this man may have endured, because Rosa knows and understands suffering. Her husband never returned from the war and her only beloved son is paralysed in both legs after a bad bout with polio.

"-Please, may I pay and also enquire if there may be somewhere to rent a room for a few nights?" the man asks Rosa. "-That will be three dollars Sir, and if you don't mind renting a small modest room, I have one here at the back of the diner, only five dollars a night and breakfast included," Rosa answers.

After settling the bill, Rosa shows the Stranger the room and he decides to rent it.

While putting up the Closed sign later that day, Rosa suddenly hears music coming from the backroom.

Quietly she walks to the room only to find Billy, her son, in his wheelchair already there. "Mum, listen, isn't this the most beautiful music you've ever heard" Billy whispers to Rosa. "Yes, son, it is" Rosa whispers back.

For the next eleven days, the Stranger comes in for coffee and pancakes every morning at eight am precise, but he no longer sits by himself because Billy always joins him. Billy who used to wolf down his pancakes, now cuts them into small pieces and instead of chattering, he eats in silence.

From the minute the Stranger invited Billy into his room and showed him the violin, the two of them seemed to establish an invisible heart to heart connection. Every night the Stranger teaches Billy how to play, and every night Billy falls asleep with a smile on his face. On Christmas eve morning, the Stranger doesn't come in to the diner for his breakfast. "Mum, where is Mr Rosenthal?" Billy asks Rosa anxiously.

"Excuse me, but can you all just manage without me while I just make sure Mr Rosenthal is alright" Rosa says to the customers in the diner and with Billy in tow she rushes to the backroom.

Rosa gently knocks on the door...no answer. "Mr Rosenthal, are you alright?" she asks. "Mr Rosenthal, Mr Rosenthal?" Billy ask desperately.

Rosa opens the door. Mr Rosenthal, the Stranger, is laying on top of his bed, his little leather suitcase packed, the violin case open with a piece of paper resting on top of the violin. Billy rolls his wheelchair to the bed with tears rolling down his face. He gently lifts Mr Rosenthal's right hand to his face and strokes his own cheek with it. Rosa picks up the piece of paper with shaking hands.

"Dear Billy and Mrs Rosa, I knew I had very few days left to live when I arrived here, but I didn't know that my last days would be filled with so much love and friendship. I have enjoyed every minute with you Billy and your mum, and the chance to share my music with a young soul again before leaving this earth, has given me more more joy than words can ever express. I am the last survivor of my family, so please accept this violin as a token of my sincere affection and may you treasure it as you learn to play it and make it your friend just as I have always done.

At last, I now leave to see my children and my beloved family again,

sincerely Joshua Rosenthal, Shalom"

Billy rolls his wheelchair to the violin, lifts it, then gently caresses it.

Rosa puts the note in her apron pocket, bends down and embraces her son, the chair, the violin, and begins to sob softly.

"Mum, what does Stradivarius mean, it says so inside the violin?" Billy asks.

 

(ps. A Stradivarius or Strad is one of the violins, cellos, and other stringed instruments built by members of the Stradivari (Stradivarius) family, during the 17th and 18th centuries. According to their reputation, the quality of their sound has defied attempts to explain or equal it, and to aquire one ..................requires bags of money.)

Forgiveness, who needs it?

 

 I came across a line that read: "Father, forgive them because they don't know what they are doing".

How could he say that?

The man had been beaten beyond recognition, ridiculed, his friends had turned their backs on him, he had been made fun of, actually,........he was rejected by everybody, even those who used to "hang" with him. And all this was done without a scrap of evidence that he had done anything wrong. So, here he is...rejected by everybody, belittled and beaten within an inch of his life, and he says: "Forgive them"?

Isn't forgiving someone the same as agreeing that they are right?

For a long time "forgiveness" have received little attention from psychologists. It was a topic which was considered by many to belong to matters of faith, but in the 1980's both psychologists and social psychologists began to produce papers and books on the subject. Today there are many publications on the subject of forgiveness and the effect it has on a human life.

For many of us however; "to forgive or not forgive, may be the question".

(This is such a huge subject, so if you don't mind, I'll stay with the personal, one-on-one stuff)

What happens inside of us emotionally and physically when we hang on to resentment and hurt?

According to many studies, holding on to negative(anger, resentment, hate etc.)emotions affects our bodies and research has shown that it plays a big part in many illnesses. Regardless of the "rightness" or how justified we may feel about an injustice or wrong someone has done to us, if we do not express how we feel to the person(s), or our diary, or a friend, etc....chances are that our feelings will get the better of us and eventually we may unload all the emotions in a very destructive way...and onto people who just happens to be there.

"Why did you hit that guy, he was doing nothing?" a friend asks his mate. "He looked at me funny'" answers the mate. "Why are you yelling at me, all I did was ask you if you had a good day at work?" asks the girlfriend/boyfriend.

"Why are you so angry all the time" the friend asks her/his friend.

"Did something happen at school today Jim?" the mother asks her son. "Nothing, I don't want to talk about it!" answers the son as he slams his bedroom door.

Resentments at times can ferment, become toxic, and expand until they influence many parts of our lives. "If you don't bring forward what is within you, it will destroy you. But, if you bring forward what is inside of you, it will heal you". (St. Thomas) We can either express or suppress our emotions, but regardless of whether we do or not, we are affected.

"Why should I forgive them/him/her, I didn't do anything wrong?"

One good reason could be: "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies"(Unknown)

Forgiving someone for a perceived(the other may have a different view) offence is about us, not them. "Easier said than done" you may say, and I agree, it can be a very hard thing to do.

Let's say that someone cuts in in front of you in a queue you have been patiently waiting in, would that make you upset, angry, or outraged? Would you be less upset if someone told you that the person cutting in was having an asthma attack and pushed in because he/she needed the medication urgently?

Seeing/understanding things from others perspective often change the way we view things.

That's all very fine, you may say, but what about people who are just plain mean, evil, nasty, selfish, a bully, greedy, etc.?

As a kid, like so many others, I was bullied. I wondered what was so wrong with me, but a more constructive question perhaps would have been to ask what was wrong with them?

What kind of pressures did they have to deal with?

Regardless of us understanding, agreeing, or disagreeing with the reasons people have for doing what they do, forgiving others is about us, not them, because when we hang on to negative emotions we are releasing cortisol and adrenaline(hormones) that in excessive amounts may lead to all sorts of illnesses.

When my closest friend died in a car accident at the age of 40, initially I felt shocked, numb and profoundly sad, but these feelings changed into anger and resentment. What was he doing driving under the influence, and at that speed? What about his kids? Why didn't he think about these things before he hopped in the car? I bottled up all my anger and resentment until one day when I decided to let it go. The method I used was to buy two dozen eggs, launch them at big tree in my garden with each egg specifying what I was angry about. "I am angry with you for dying!" launch. "I'm angry with you for driving too fast!" launch. By the time I launched egg number 24, the anger had gone, but there was an awful mess to sort.

Perhaps we can forgive others because we ourselves need forgiveness?

Have not most of us at some time or another done/said something that hurt/upset someone else?

Forgiveness is a gift, one we can both give to others and ourselves, and with Christmas just around the corner, perhaps now is a good time to give such a gift?

Whether one celebrates Christmas or not, perhaps this may be as good a time as any to earmark it as an occasion to let go of past resentments and embrace the gift of forgiveness.

 

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." - (Katherine Ponder)

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

(Louis B. Smedes)

 

ps. I painted this painting remembering all children, the innocents, who in many parts of the world are paying for the harm done and is still being done, by parents/caretakers/guardians etc. etc.

 

 



I want something more, I just don't know what that is...

If you had a magical wand, what would you wish for?

At times it may seem easier to know what we don't want, rather than what we do want.

"What do you want" she asks exasperatingly, "I don't know!" he answers, "I just know that I want more". "More what?" she retorts. "I don't know, all I know is that I want more" he answers as he leaves the room.

At times there can be a longing in the depth of our beings for something "more", but every time we try to define what that "more" is, it becomes an elusive dance of shadowy figures. Always there, but not substantial enough to be caught.

Unable to fall asleep she starts to ask herself: "Is this it, is this all there is? Is this what I wanted my life to be?"

Perhaps you knew what you wanted, but now when you have those things, there's still this nagging sense of something missing. Is it possible that it is not the attaining of what we desire/want that drives us but rather the desiring/wanting itself? A burning desire/want for something at times can help us to stay focused, give us a sense of meaning and purpose, so after we have achieved the desired outcome, then what?

We find something else to desire/want and it all begins again.

Howard Hughes, an American business magnate, investor, aviator, film maker, aerospace engineer, and philanthropist, a man with an impressive array of achievements; at his death was barely recognisable. On reading of his many entrepreneurial achievements, I found a man with a goal conscious mind, but Howard Hughes, a celebrated and at one time one of the most visible men in America, somehow still managed to become "invisible" to the extent that at his autopsy fingerprints from the FBI had to be used to identify his body.  "What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?" springs to mind. Perhaps in the pursuit of "gaining" there is a risk of losing ones core being.

When it comes to acquiring material things, or accolades and favour with others, after a while it may all become shadow images with no substance. After all, one can only drive one car, sleep in one house, be, in one place at the time, and what people say to us face to face may differ greatly from what is said when our backs are turned. Things can be broken, stolen, rust, blow away in a hurricane, float away in a flood, etc. and people can change their minds and find favour with someone else.

Statistics has shown that people living in poverty and people of great wealth have one thing in common; stress. Struggling for survival and having needs met poses a health risk as apparently also does having it all and keeping it. What we all have in common though whether poor or rich, is our choice of attitude towards our situation. Seems one can be wealthy materialistically yet be poor in "happiness", and poor materialistically yet wealthy in "happiness". (According to statistics again) Regardless of status however, there is always an "I" involved and that "I" has the power and freedom to choose his/her attitude to the situation in which he/she finds him/herself.

(I need to say here that I am not including refugees of any kind, or people struggling for life living in disaster areas.)

The fact that we have the power to choose our attitude towards what is happening in our lives, is Good news, well, in my opinion...:)

Perhaps if we have a nagging sense of something missing, we may be better off investigating the reason behind it, not ignore it but try to verbalise it. Ask questions. When do I feel like this, why do I feel like this, do I have an unfulfilled need, what do I need to do to facilitate this need, will pursuing what I want hurt others, if I get what I need/want, what will the cost to my family be? These are just some suggestions of questions that may be of assistance, you may have others you feel are more suited to your situation.

"Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

(Victor Frankl)

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens".

(Kahlil Gibran)

"We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude".

  ( Charles R. Swindoll)

 

The "magic wand" it seems, is our attitude. 

 

(ps. The painting is called "American Geisha")

Are we all actors on the World Stage?

 

 

How well do we really know the people we think we know?

Then again, when we say we know somebody, what do we usually mean?

Macmillan dictionary defines to know as follows: remember someone for something, understand, be familiar with, recognise, to mention a few.

Marilyn Monroe was born Norma Jean, but most of us know her as Marilyn. As an actress she had to become many different women, so I wonder what happened to Norma Jean, where did she go? 

For me it has always been a marvel how someone can shed their own identity and become another. When the lights are off and the show over, how does an actor find their own identity again?

This leads me to ponder if in some sense, we do not all have different roles which we "play" in our lives?

In the opening line of Jaques famous speech from Shakespeare's play, "As You Like It", often called the Seven Ages of Man, Jaques says: "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

Although one may feel as a "whole" person, under a microscope maybe there are many parts.

You're a man/woman, brother/sister, husband/wife, father/mother, son/daughter, friend/associate, boss/worker, teacher/student, etc.etc., and could these positions not be regarded as different "roles" we play?

Actors are handed scripts to learn/study the character they are to become/play, but if the world is a stage, then maybe everyone of us are handed "scripts" from birth, we just don't recognise them as such? We speak of "role models", could they maybe be thought of as "living scripts"? Even if we decide we do not want to be like our father/mother/brother/sister/other, their way of being still influence us in how we want to be/behave/act. Maybe we can also add to this influences from the movies, TV shows, magazines, books, friends, teachers, lovers, work mates, team mates and so on.

Actors act, they become someone else for the duration of the "play", show, movie, then when it's finished, they become themselves again. Do we all have a "core" selves we return to in the stillness of our minds when the day is over?

When we say we "know" someone, do we mean that we are familiar with that persons behaviour/way of being, that we think we have an understanding of their "core" selves? Some say that human beings always search for patterns and that maths came about for this reason. If a person regularly behaves in a certain way, a pattern, there is an estimated amount of certainty and we probably believe we know that person. "He is always on time, She always arrives first, He always speaks open and honestly, She is always quiet, He always forgets, She always remembers, He always does the right thing, She always phones her parents on Sundays, and so on..." and of course the opposite: "He's never on time, She always arrives at the last minute, He never says what he really thinks, She always voices her opinions loudly...etc.etc".

So what happens when a person behaves outside of the usual patterns? "Man, I thought I knew him, but after what he did, I don't think I know him at all !"

When Marilyn was found dead in her bed there were people who were shocked and yet others not at all. The event is still regarded as a mystery by some yet others are sure they know what lead to her death. Perhaps nobody really knew Marilyn at all, perhaps not even Marilyn herself.

Socrates coined the phrase: "Know thyself", which is easier said than done in my opinion

How does one get to know oneself?

Perhaps one begins with: Who do I think I am rather than who do other people think I am?

    Is the image I portray of me the true me? What and who is my "core" self?

How do I find my "core" self?

In the stillness of your mind may be a good starting point.

Getting to know someone and/or oneself takes time and patience, compassion and love, and although we may know someones behaviour/being patterns,

at the core, are we not often mysteries wrapped in an enigma even unto ourselves?

 

"Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” (Ann Landers)

 “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
(Carl Jung) 

Protecting the heart from pain........

 

Have you heard the term "Autumn years"? As far as I can ascertain, the autumn years are the years lived after retirement age. The term made me ponder whether we go through different "seasons" in our lives; does our heart (our emotional core) live through summer, winter, spring and autumn?

Perhaps "summer" is when life seems to flow, we are content, we enjoy our lives.

"Spring" is when we are moving forward, learning new things, changing, feeling excited about the now and what is to come in the future.

Maybe "autumn" is when we are reflective and questioning of our choices in life, an emotional "stocktaking" mindset, and "winter" when we bunker down, lay low, and protect our inner selves.

In conversation with a friend recently my friend shared how heartbroken she felt over a particular outcome. "It's my own fault" she said, "I shouldn't have given in to hope, I should have protected myself".

Is this possible? Can we put up "barbed wire" and cover our selves with "snow"and maybe even put up a sign; "Stay out!"..? Will this protect us from emotional pain?

Is a painless, suffering-free life, the optimal outcome for living?

If we are to protect our "heart" from heartbreak and disappointments, how would we do so and at what cost? See, that's the thing...is there not a cost (emotional) involved with securing our hearts from pain, because in protecting ourselves from it may we not also miss out on opportunities of other kinds of positive emotional experiences? In loving someone/something there is always a risk of "losing" him/her/it, but loving in itself, offers many worthwhile and life affirming experiences.

 "Loving" as a state of being, has many beneficial ripple effects.

"So, what would you have done differently" I asked my friend, "How would you have protected yourself from being hurt?"

"This is what I always do", she said, "I get my hopes up only to have them torn down".

"How did you feel while you were hoping?", I asked.

"Excited, full of plans and possibilities", she answered.

"Did you experience that emotional state as an enjoyable state?", I asked.

"Yes", she answered, "but in the end, things still fell apart."

"Rather than giving up on hope, perhaps finding a different approach to dealing with disappointing outcomes may be helpful?" I asked.

"Hmmmmm," she answered.

Errecting walls and fences we may be able to keep dashed hopes and broken hearts at bay, but in doing so, we may also prevent ourselves from experiencing hopes from coming true, and love to be reciprocated.

Maybe there are times in our lives when barbed wires and concrete walls seems a good option for coping, and perhaps in doing so we give ourselves the chance of regrouping and recooping, as long as we are cautious not to allow "winter" to become our permanent state of heart and mind.

In everything worthwhile there is an element of risk; with loving there is the risk of rejection, with hoping there is the risk of a let down, with trying there is a risk of failure, with being generous there is a risk of being taken advantage of, with standing there is a risk of falling, and so on.

If a child decided that falling down is too painful, or too risky, would that child ever walk?

Being alive is risky business, but then consider the option...............

Rather than protecting our hearts from pain, maybe finding life affirming coping strategies may be a better option....like someone said: "Better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all".

 

I'll let Neil Simon have the last word:

 

"Don’t listen to those who say ‘you taking too big a chance.’ Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most important, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside you rears its ugly head and says ‘they are all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, blonder, prettier, luckier, and they have connections. I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts—and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live—the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respects."

 



On "growing up" and becoming an "adult"....

 

Have you ever heard of the "The Elephant Man", that is; Josef(John) Merrick? It is an amazing story and in the hands of David Lynch the director, it becomes a tale in moving pictures of human dignity and integrity, compassion and the life of an extraordinary man.

Can you remember a time when you were told to "grow up"? Or maybe the words used were: "Be adult about it, why don't you behave like an adult"?  What is an adult? According to some, an adult is a human being or living organism that has attained sexual maturity, ie; of reproductive maturity. For a human it also indicates a level of independence, self-sufficiency and responsibility. Legally there is a shift from being a dependent to an independent, one becomes responsible for ones actions. Most societies have an agreed upon age when this is to occur, problem is.......do we all really mature at the same age?

Biologically speaking maybe most of us mature about the same age, but what about psychologically/emotionally?

Behaviourists have demonstrated that a humans growth can be stumped by a lack of emotional contact, sociologists how our environment can affect our growth, and other sciences how our growth can become affected by a multitude of external interferences which leads me to assume that there seem to be many varied aspects to "growing up" and maturing in to an "adult".
Perhaps adulthood is not only/primarily based on age but also on our emotional maturity. But what is emotional maturity and what qualifies as such?

(Before I go on I need to state that these views are my own, so feel free to disagree.....:)

Perhaps our growing and maturing never ends, perhaps it is a never ending process, a part of the "human condition" so to speak. Learning, growing and changing are our continuous "bedfellows" regardless of how many years we clock up. Recognising that we are all "travellers" in life, we have the opportunity to develop a greater sense of  patience and acceptance for others. As we ourselves trip and fall at times, make mistakes, miscalculate, we have the chance of sharing our experiences with others and offer a helping hand (all the while realising their right to reject it).

As we mature we may learn to identify the difference between wanting and needing something.

"I want a 10 feet plasma, but do I really need one?" "I want my partner to............, but do I need him/her to?" "I want people to take me seriously, but I need people to hear my heart".

Maybe we begin by questioning if there is a common conception of the terms and if so, do we agree?

As the mother encourages her son to sit down in the doctor's chair for his vaccination shot, she says: "Tim, be a brave lad, be grown up like your brother Steven, it will be alright".

The father calls his teenage daughter into his office at home and says: "Marina, listen, you have to behave more grown up and help your mother with the household chores."

The girlfriend decides that she has finally had enough and says to her boyfriend: Alex, you're so immature, grow up! You chose between your football buddies and me, cos I'm not putting up with this nonsense anymore!"

The friend grabs the car keys from his buddy and says: "Man, why do you always have to overdo it?

When are you gonna grow up and learn to handle your booze?"

What we deem as adult/grown-up emotional behaviour is dependent on how we define those terms, which in turn depends on our own experiences of such behaviour.

Many of us may equate being an adult with:  doing/behaving in a collectively acceptable fashion, i.e; we do what is required from us, when it is required.

Josef Merrick, the "Elephant Man" had very few good examples of "mature" adults in his brief life. He was short changed at every turn, beaten, robbed, rejected, until one day when the police found him on the streets of London, unable to communicate but with a Frederick Treves, (a surgeon at the London Hospital), business card on him. Josef was brought to the London Hospital by Treves where he then remained for the rest of his life as a good friend of Treves. At the hospital, Josef was visited by many of London's society including Alexandra, Princess of Wales.  

Which leads me to ask the question; is behaving, being an "adult" maybe a matter of choice?
Josef Merrick, with very few role models of mature, decent adults, somehow managed to chose to become one.  Described by those who got to know him, he was a fine human being, sensitive, intelligent, upstanding, and a mature/adult human. This suggests to me that maybe we can chose to behave emotionally mature regardless of our role models.

Once we have the right to drive a car, cast a vote, get married, set up home, take out bank loans, etc. are we automatically "grown-ups"? Does the ability to make emotionally "mature" decisions come along with those rights? What are emotionally mature decisions?

Here are some suggestions of behaviours that for me are indications of maturity: taking ownership of ones actions, being sensitive and respectful to others feelings and opinions, keeping an open mind, being confident without arrogance, showing respect for public and personal spaces, understanding and managing ones emotions, to mention a few.
Perhaps being an adult means pausing before reacting, listening before speaking, thinking before judging, praising before criticising, loving before acting.
 

"Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values."

(Joshua L. Liebman)

 

“The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes. That's the day we truly grow up.” 
(John C. Maxwell)

ps. the painting does not depict Josef Merrick, it was however painted with him in mind.

 



I'm soooo bored!!! .....How do I fix it?

Have you ever felt like you wanted to just holler? Maybe like this little girl just let all the frustrations out in one giant scream?

I have never experienced "boredom" but I know of many who experience it regularly so I thought maybe I'll make a little enquiry into the term/experience.

According to Wikipedia: "Boredom is an emotional state experienced when an individual is left without anything in particular to do and has no interest in their surroundings".

There are different types of boredom(ennui in french)but it is suggested that all involve engagement with attention.

Or rather the problem of staying interested, attentive, engaged, with what is happening in the moment. The moment as we are experiencing it may feel lack-luster, non-stimulating, slow, or plain blah, blah, blah. Some suggest that boredom can be a response to ones perception of things moving too slowly, not enough stimuli or excitement, not enough "stuff happening".

If a person enjoys the outdoors, physical activities of all sorts, then maybe such a person might perceive a "Mindfulness Seminar" as boring. If a person enjoys to be involved in a myriad of different activities which involves other people, then maybe solitude can be experienced as boring.

Perhaps "French/Italian Impressionist Cinema" is what excites you, then perhaps taking part in a pick-up basketball game strikes you as boring. Cooking may be extremely exciting to you and a yawn to someone else.

Could it be that boredom is "in the mind of the beholder"?

If  boredom is perceived as something to be avoided, an unpleasant emotional state, is it possible that maybe there are other emotions involved? Heidegger suggests that in being bored we are confronted with the meaningless of existence, a sense of nothingness, and this can be experienced with great anxiety. To remedy this anxiety, we do things; after all, we live in an industrious age and there is no shortage of things to do and "i-thingy's" to use. The last time I was travelling on a commuter train I was struck by how many people were using "i-thingy's". Was anybody really on the train, or were most of us somewhere else? Not that there is anything wrong with that........using the i-thingy's I mean, I just couldn't help but reflect on the fact that hundreds of humans being were confined to a small space, yet very few of us communicated or interacted with each other.

Is waiting in line, commuting back and forth to work, sitting in traffic jams, waiting in airports, etc. "dead" time? Time that we need to bring to "life" by doing something?

Being where we are, focusing all our attention on the very moment we are in; listening, seeing, smelling, becoming aware of our experience of the moment, is that not also doing something?

I think it is.......but rather than being(/living) somewhere in the future or the past; being(/living) in the moment we are present in the only "alive" time that is available to us; NOW.

If we often experience feelings of boredom, perhaps it may behove us to ask ourselves: "Why, why do I have these feelings?" When someone tells me they are bored my first question is often to ask: "what would have to happen for you to not be bored anymore?" The most common answer is: "I don't know, something......anything really". In some cases, boredom may the symptom of something more than just lack of attention/something to be occupied with, such as depression, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, addiction issues, etc.etc.

If we find that very little tend to keep our attention or interest, then perhaps we could benefit from speaking to someone about it.

Some suggestions if you're slightly bored: get a cat, they are highly entertaining and very unpredictable, or place a beehive in your work place, it will make it very suspenseful(not really, but just imagine it), or listen to some music you detest, or speak without using the letter "e", or get a big canvas and brush, lotsa paint, blindfold yourself and paint, or only say "happy" things for a week, be Pollyanna so to speak....etc.

If "boring" is in the mind of the beholder, then as a beholder, we have the power of change.

 

“There are no uninteresting things, only uninterested people.” 
(G. K. Chesterton)

 

“I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.”
 (Louis CK)

 

(ps; the painting is a watercolour......)

 



Don't be so sensitive...........

Have someone ever told you: "Don't be so sensitive"?

Or maybe it was phrased: "You're being over-sensitive".

Is there an "under sensitive"? More to the point, is there a "right" amount of sensitive?

And if there is a right amount of sensitive, how was this established and by who?

Researching the word "sensitivity" I realised that the term is not easily definable.

So here is my definition: processing of sensory data.

According to a person's previous experiences, how we digest, observe, and interpret those experiences/data more often than not is coloured/influenced by earlier perceptions and emotions.

If our last experience of public speaking/public performance, was one of butterflies, dry throat and a wobbly stomach, we will probably become "sensitive" to the thought of another such event.

If as a child we were told: "Don't be so sensitive, just take it on the chin", we may deduce that the "right" behaviour in similar situations is to not display our emotions/feelings.

Basically we establish an approach toward a multitude of events/phenomenon that we feel comfortable with. We "play our cards close to the chest", become "an open book", have a "cautious approach", etc. In a sense we establish for our self a "right" amount of sensitivity.

Which varies from culture to culture, but in most societies there seem to be a collective agreement of an acceptable level of sensitivity as well as our individual perception.

If someone tells you that you are too sensitive, it is still up to you to decide whether you agree with the statement or not. Some of us are more aware of our inner emotional states and so process our sensory data on a deeper level with the result that our responses will vary from those with a more "relaxed" approach.

In 1996, Dr Elaine N. Aron coined the term, "highly sensitive person", a term/trait presented as a positive in her book "The Highly Sensitive Person". Some of the positive aspects she presented are: creativity, emotional awareness, a greater sense of empathy, a cautious approach to decision making.

Personally, the book encouraged me to carefully consider certain words from a different angle.

Such as: maybe "perfectionism" could be defined as "attention for detail", "over-sensitive" as "emotionally deeply aware", "doesn't play well with others" as "needs space to process", "introverted" as "rich inner life"?

If a society values "extroversion" as the norm, then "introversion" may be considered a peripheral behaviour; a less "normal" way to behave/act. Often when a behaviour is specified as "too-anything"  it is deemed so in conjunction with what the "majority" considers normal.(According to each culture)

What about some well known, not so normal people?

Names such as Vincent van Gogh, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, Carl Jung, springs to mind...all considered sensitive people, not normal, yet their contributions to mankind arguably beyond reproach.

If we live in a society which values extroversion, then being a sensitive individual, (introverted), we may find ourselves questioning our behaviours and be tempted to view ourselves in a negative light rather than appreciating our inner awareness and sensitivity.

Perhaps at times shifting our focus to the "outer" world rather than the "inner" may be advantageous for the introverted, and perhaps at times spending a bit of time reflecting on the "inner" may be helpful for the extroverted,

after all, we all share the same planet and the more we understand each other, the greater the chance of us all getting along.

 

“In an extroverted society, the difference between an introvert and an extrovert is that an introvert is often unconsciously deemed guilty until proven innocent.” (Criss Jami) 

 

“Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially “on,” we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: “I’m okay, you’re okay—in small doses.”

(Jonathan Raush)

ps. the image is a graphite on cardboard, the model my son

 

Keeping up appearances...



Snow is amazing.

 

In a few hours a hostile environment can be transformed into a glistening, brilliant, sparkling,

mysterious, wonder world. What lies beneath may be all sorts of unfriendly and threatening, but with a good snow cover barbwire, rusty spikes, broken fences, sharp rocks and other potentially dangerous items, are gone. Well, not gone,...just not visible.

A husband and wife are having an argument, tempers are flaring and there is a lot of shouting. Suddenly the phone rings. The husband/wife picks up the receiver: "Hello, 555-375689.

Ah, it's you Bill. How are you, haven't heard from you for a while? No, I'm not in the middle of anything." Gone is the loud and impatient tone of voice.

The child finally has had enough of shopping and begins to pull things of the shelves into the trolley. Patiently the parent lift the items out of the trolley and put them back on the shelves. The child decides to sit down in the middle of the aisle. Gently the parent lifts the child of the floor. The child decides to cry loudly. With other shoppers now taking notice, the parent begins to feel conspicuous. "Look Oliver, I'm almost done, please stop crying, when we get home I'll give you some ice-creme." The child stops crying and the parent thankfully becomes an anonymous shopper again.

While waiting in line for the bus, the mobile phone rings. The young woman answers with a smile: "Hey, Justin, I was hoping it was you." In a few minutes the smile on the young woman's face has vanished and is replaced with profound sadness. As she finishes her call, her eyes are filled with tears. She quickly wipes her tears away and when offered a tissue from a man behind her, she replies: "I'm alright, I don't need a tissue thanks."

Old Tom is changing his work clothes when the boss walks in to the change room. "Now Tom, you know we've had to tighten the belt around here, and I'm sorry, but I am going to have to let you go. Nothing personal at all, just business." The boss pats Tom on the shoulder and exits the change room. Tom slowly empties his locker. The changing room door opens suddenly and Blake, the new guy, skips into the room: "Nite, Tom, see you tomorrow". Tom just waves and smiles as Blake skip out leaving behind him a misty cloud of after shave.

Many of us have probably found ourselves in situations in which we felt we needed to put on a "stiff upper lip", to keep up appearances, if not for others at least for ourselves. Most societies have social norms; how common, unusual, acceptable or unacceptable a behaviour is. A collective code of conduct against which our behaviour is measured. Laughing when the code's considered acceptable behaviour require crying may raise a few eyebrows, using "outdoors" voice inside, displaying too much affection publicly, not showing enough emotion, speaking to yourself, gesticulating too much/too little and so on. Perhaps we also have an additional individual code of conduct we live by; proper ways of eating, sitting, standing, speaking, displaying emotions, etc.etc. On top of this we may also have a list of  ramifications we may suffer should we fail to keep up our appearances.
If I don't behave in ...........fashion, I will be rejected, excluded, not invited, alone for the rest of my life, .........................................(insert here all you can think of).
There is a word, etiquette, originally a french word but used in the English language since 1750, which means "a code of behaviour that delineates expectations for social behaviour according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class/group" which I find to be highly useful. What is the etiquette in 2012?
Is it acceptable to answer/speak on the mobile phone regardless of circumstances? Is it acceptable to deliver really bad news with a text? Is it acceptable to have a "Blue tooth" conversation in any public space? Is it acceptable to find a life partner on line?
Can etiquette (keeping up appearances/manners) be a good thing, or is it restrictive, or maybe both, or maybe we don't care either way?

At times a "stiff upper lip" may be what helps us cope with a difficult situation, yet in another situation it may prevent us from coming to grips with our emotions. Some people perhaps find strength in adhering to behaving/conducting themselves strictly in line with perceived social norms, others may find doing so very limiting and undermining their sense of individuality.

Maybe for some of us keeping up appearances affirms our sense of belonging, of acceptance.

Keeping up appearances may offer some of us a buffer from what is private and personal, visa vie what is public behaviour.

“Contrary to popular opinion, manners are not a luxury good that's interesting only to those who can afford to think about them. The essence of good manners is not exclusivity, nor exclusion of any kind, but sensitivity. To practise good manners is to confer upon others not just consideration but esteem; ........(Henry Alford)

Perhaps keeping up appearances/etiquette/manners is like snow; it offers a homogeneous covering.

Maybe we don't necessarily need to know exactly what lies beneath it, maybe we just enjoy and appreciate it because "skiing" would be rather tricky without it.

 



Being different....

 

Kermit the frog sang: "It's not easy being green........."what if you are blue, or just different?

In 1994 a book by psychologist Richard J Herrnstein and political scientist Charles Murray titled "The Bell Curve" was released. In the book the argument is that human intelligence is a good predictor of many personal dynamics.

Although the book is both controversial yet supported by some, the "bell curve" has assumed a role in psychological research and practise. In the book there are useful applications of statistical concepts, but in searching for "normality" in the data and its variables, there is a risk of treating the bell curve as an absolute.

If we agree that there is a "normal", how did we arrive at that conclusion? What is normal anyway?

"Conforming to a standard, expected, usual, standard" some say.

 "Normal is also used to describe when someones behaviour conforms to the most common behaviour in society (known as conforming to the norm)." (Wikipedia)

Is "normality" desirable or can there be too much normality? When does normality become conformity?

If we desire normality, what happens to creativity, ingenuity, imagination, etc.? In a normal world is there any space for Van Goghs, Da Vinci's, The Wright brothers, Einstein's, Kierkegaard's, etc?

In a normal world, would anybody entertain the notion of going to the Moon?

For some children being label "not normal" in school can haunt them for the rest of their lives. "Normal people don't dress, eat, look, think, behave, laugh, walk, etc.etc. like that" a catch phrase that can be very hurtful for a person being told so, and highly suspect since it relies on there being an absolute normal. Walking around naked bar a loincloth can have you arrested for lewd behaviour in one culture yet be normal in another, speaking/chanting against a wall will possibly have you carried away to a mental institution in one culture yet in another its common practise. Normal seem to be a word with much flexibility and many interpretations.

In school as a small child I was bullied for not being normal. Nothing about me seemed to be normal to others and there seemed to be no end to how many things about me was wrong; I mean; not normal. Is normal right and deviations from it; wrong? Do not most of us consider ourselves and our behaviours as normal?

For someone working night shifts eating breakfast at three in the afternoon may be normal, for a musician practising on an instrument for five hours a day may be normal, for a sportsperson working out for many hours a day may be normal, for a dedicated religious person praying for hours may be normal, for any person committed and dedicated to their work whatever it may be, spending many hours doing so, may be normal and so on.

Maybe normal like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder, the term is indeed very flexible.

So what if you are different, if your normal seems to be different from many others?

Most of us like to belong, to be included, to be accepted by the society we live in, and usually being considered "normal" is the ideal for inclusion, which may lead to a sense of pressure to conform.

We know what to expect from normal people, but what about people who are different?

There is an element of the "unknown" with people who are different which at times may be experienced as uncomfortable by some.

Speaking too animatedly, laughing too loudly, displaying too much emotion, being over excited, using too much body language etc. according to the norm can clear a room, bus, train in no time at all. Of course in a different culture none of those things may be different but rather the norm.

To answer the question of what "normal" is, seems to be like answering how long a piece of string is.

If being different costs you fellowship with others, then maybe ponder if there is something you can change or modify that will make your fellowship more successful.

Maybe one can just remove the labels all together, different or normal, and just concentrate on discovering how to be who you want to be.

 

"A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.” (Jim Morrison)
 

“Our lives are mere flashes of light in an infinitely empty universe. In 12 years of education the most important lesson I have learned is that what we see as “normal” living is truly a travesty of our potential. In a society so governed by superficiality, appearances, and petty economics, dreams are more real than anything anything in the “real world”. Refuse normalcy. Beauty is everywhere, love is endless, and joy bleeds from our everyday existence. (Domenic Owen Mallary)

 

 

 

 

 

Conflicts are conflicting.....

 

Before I begin, a brief definition of conflict: a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns.

(Of course I could also write a definition of "disagreement", "threat", "needs" and so on, however that would use up all my energy so I leave that for you to look up ...:)

Often in conflicts, we tend to respond to our perceptions of a situation rather than an objective review of it. As humans, most of us have "filters" and whatever we experience we run through those. When I use the term filter, I mean our values, beliefs, feelings, information, culture, etc.

If our belief is that all cats are spooky, chances are that the cats we come across, are spooky...

If our information tells us that teenagers are unruly, chances are that we will meet many unruly teenagers.

If our culture in which we are raised informs us that green people are better than purple people, then chances are that this is what we will encounter.

Some of us respond to conflict with fear, others with anger, some with conviction, some with an urgent need to remove themselves from the situation, some of us maybe with all the above and some of us may just want to restore peace; equilibrium, and rather forfeit our stance rather than continue a conflict.

In a book written by Danaan Parry, "Warriors of the Heart", he recalls a story about conflict resolution that made a profound impression on me. While working in Ireland in the capacity as a "conflict resolver" he tried a daring method of helping the conflicting parties to understand each others view. Parry organised a large hall, invited all the warring members to attend, then waited. He was not sure that anybody would attend, but to his surprise, a number of them did. Parry invited them into the hall and asked them to be peaceful, respectful and allow him to suggest a possible way of understanding. The two warring tribes were standing on each end of the hall with the hall divided in the middle with a large yellow line.

"Ladies and gentlemen, all of you who have lost a parent to this conflict, please take a step forward.

Now, all of you who have lost a brother or a sister to this conflict, take a step forward.

Can all of you who have lost a lover please step forward.

All of you who have lost a friend, step forward please.

All who have lost a distant relative, someone unrelated but important to you, please step forward."

A hush fell on the hall as the warring tribes realised that they were all standing at the yellow line.

In conflicts there is often a considerable level of misunderstanding due to different perceptions which may fortify the disagreement, but if we can understand each others positions and perceptions, we may be able to find common ground, a beginning for a resolution.

As the warring parties were starring at each other across the yellow line, they realised that they all were affected by the conflict in some way or another; their common ground was loss of someone they cared about.

M.Scott Peck states in one of his books: "More than anything else, people want to be right".

Is being right more important than being understood? Is being right more important than finding a resolution to a conflict?

Is there the possibility that in a conflict/disagreement both parties involved are right?

What is the desired outcome we are looking for? Are we seeking to find a way to resolve the conflict, or are we seeking to prove the other wrong?

There are indigenous peoples who use a "talking stick" and whoever holds it, is the only one allowed to speak, the others must listen. Maybe we can incorporate the notion? Perhaps the beginning of resolution is listening, allowing the other to speak without interference regardless of our opinion of what is being said. Staying calm and respectful may also be useful. Avoiding assumptions and instead being precise, making sure that what is said and what we hear is the same; i.e. "so what I heard you say is..........is that correct?"

In conflict lies a possibility for change, for learning new aspects, for growth.

 

"Creativity comes from a conflict of ideas". (Donatella Versace)

 

"Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without the abrasive friction or conflict".

(Saul Alinsky)

 

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means".

(Ronald Reagan)

 

 

 



Compliments, are they necessary?

A friend parades before you in his/her new pants and asks: "Does my bum look big in these pants?"

A sibling pulls up in your driveway in his/her new car and excitedly asks: "What do you think, do you like my new car?"

A workmate pulls you aside and whispers: "Don't tell anybody, but I just got promoted!"

Your small child holds up his/her latest art work and says: "Daddy/mummy, look what I did in school today, isn't it good?"

Your partner comes home from work and proudly announces that he/she has been given a pay rise and exclaims: "Now we afford to buy that......."

What is your first intuitive response?

"It depends", you may answer, or "I always get excited with the other", or "Well, it doesn't really affect me, that's their thing", or "Sometimes I may feel inclined to correct if the others excitement is exaggerated", and so on.

Is it easier to find faults and flaws than to compliment? Sometimes I work in a retail outlet and speaking with customers I have noticed how many of them are quick to put themselves down, to find  the perceived "wrongs" but slow to identify the "rights".

Do we find it easier to find faults in others and ourselves, rather than strengths? Is it easier to to pull someone or ourselves down rather than to be positive?

"Don't tell someone how good they are too often, it will only lead to heartbreak later".

"Tell a child how proud you are of them too often and they will not cope in the real world later".

Is this really the case?

Are we trying to "protect" others and ourselves from possible pain in the future when or if we withhold positive statements?

Does giving someone a compliment somehow "cost" us something?

"You did a great job" but under our breath we may mutter "so would I under your circumstances".

"That's a great car, lucky you" we say while silently thinking " if I had the money that could have been my car". "You've lost weight, you look fantastic!", we may say while quietly thinking "I could too, it's just my metabolism doesn't function properly".

A true compliment, to my way of thinking, is detached from expectations of any reciprocal gestures, sincere and other-focused. The reason for giving the compliment motivated by other focus and other appreciation. Giving someone a compliment on something they did or are doing indicates that they have been seen, noticed, and appreciated.

Many of us are aware of our own inadequacies, if asked what our flaws are we could probably rattle them off quick smart, but if asked what our strengths are, many of us may start to um and ar. Often we are quick to put ourselves down, to focus on our perceived faults and forget or ignore our strengths, many of us possibly confused about the difference between pride and appreciation. "Pride comes before fall" a saying that seem to be deeply entrenched in western culture, minces no words. Think too highly of yourself, and there' disaster awaiting you, but what if there's no "pride"?

Could that not also be disastrous?

What is pride then?  According to Wikipedia: An inwardly directed emotion with two meanings, a negative and positive.

Positive: A satisfied sense of attachment toward ones own or another's choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people. A product of praise, independent self-reflection, a fulfilled sense of belonging.

Negative: An inflated sense of ones personal status or accomplishments.

Now to appreciation: Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.

Although there may be a risk in boosting someones pride when we give them a compliment, is there not equally the risk that we may increase their sense of being appreciated? And being appreciated, is that not something we may all enjoy and desire?

Ralph Marston expresses it this way: "Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you. Truly appreciate life, and you'll find that you have more of it."

Go on, be nice, give someone a compliment, tell them they are appreciated.

 

 

 

Wonder is the beginning of wisdom

"Wonder is the beginning of wisdom" said Socrates, which made me curious as to what "wonder" actually means.

Some definitions to start with for the word "wonderment":  1. Astonishment, awe, or surprise. 2. Something that produces wonder; a marvel. 3. Puzzlement or curiosity.

“When you don't cover up the world with words and labels, a sense of the miraculous returns to your life that was lost a long time ago when humanity, instead of using thought, became possessed by thought.”  wrote Eckhart Tolle, nonetheless, do we still have the ability to experience wonderment or is what Eckhart Tolle suggests true for most of us?

Has the word "awesome" replaced wonderment in some instances? Pondering wonderment, it occurred to me that there is a sense of openness to possibilities in the feeling of wonderment. "I don't know how or why, but I just love the way an albatross surfs the winds." Beethoven was deaf when he wrote many of his symphonies, I don't understand how that's possible, I just love his music." "I understand that an egg and a sperm makes a baby, but when I held my first born in my arms the first time, I was filled with wonder and amazement, knowing how at that point, meant very little."

On the other hand, for some people knowing how is directly linked with feelings of wonderment.

I was fortunate enough to spend a day with a bone fide medicine man called George when I spent some time in the US some years ago. His home modest and filled with many artifacts, at the back of the property a sweat lodge, and a small enclosure with a wolf mother and her cub. The minute George invited me in to his home I was struck with a sense of peace and wonderment. We sat down around a wooden table covered with a multicoloured cloth and I was offered some tea.

George spoke slowly and deliberately with a very soothing voice, his body language open and friendly as he asked me many questions. Somehow time seemed to stand still, I felt as if we had stepped outside of the constraints of time and space all together. My whole being was filled with wonderment and peace. This man was a full blood native American, his connections with country deep seated and his wisdom, although founded in many ways on a very different background than my own; profound. I was filled with a sense of wonderment from the moment I met George and even today when I think of the time I spent with him, I can immediately "time travel" and connect with those feelings of wonderment.

Every day wondrous moments present themselves to us, I just wonder if we are able to recognise them. Maybe we can learn from children?
  "As a child, one has that magical capacity to move among the many eras of the earth; to see the land as an animal does; to experience the sky from the perspective of a flower or a bee; to feel the earth quiver and breathe beneath us; to know a hundred different smells of mud and listen unself- consciously to the soughing of the trees." (Valerie Andrews)

At times maybe it can be beneficial for us "grown-ups" to allow ourselves to be amazed, to be filled with a sense of wonderment, to enjoy something just because.......

To allow ourselves to listen to music with reckless abandon, to enjoy nature as she is without wanting to harness her, to spend time getting lost in something we love doing, to gaze at the starry sky without any thoughts of how, what, when, where, to enjoy a meal with a friend with all "i-thingys" turned off,

to just sit with the possibility that it's not necessary to know everything, to do like children and just go with the flow.

"As soon as man does not take his existence for granted, but beholds it as something unfathomably mysterious, thought begins." (Albert Schweitzer)

Albert Einstein suggests this: "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is a s good as dead: his eyes are closed."   

The world is full of mystery and wonder as well as familiarity and certainty. Each human carries his/her own universe within, no two the same. Not knowing, but getting to know others universes, offers the possibility of much wonderment and mystery for all with eyes open.  

It's one thing to know all the properties of a strawberry, but why not eat it and experience the taste?

It's one thing to appreciate art, why not try to make some and experience the creativity?

It's one thing to talk about love, why not open the heart and experience it?

 

 

Uncertainty is the only certainty there is...

 

There are many gates, portals, entrances we must pass through in life. Some are small, difficult to get through, others much larger and a no problem at all to navigate, and then there are the other ones.

The ones we didn't know we were going through until we got stuck.

We know we need to go through and not stay stuck, we just don't know how to. The other side may seem too diffuse and uncertain, and what we left behind us although perhaps no longer relevant, seem more certain, and so we get stuck in between.

Uncertainty, for some of us is highly unsettling, and although not absolutely sure of our next move, sometimes the uncertainty makes us move in a direction, any direction, as long as it stops the feelings of uncertainty (stuck between the known and unknown). Some of us have a great tolerance for uncertainty, others very little, and many of us swing in between the two.

As humans, we seem to have a need for order. The world we inhabit is full of unpredictability, we are thrown curve balls and so we seek to find universal laws that will help us predict what our natural world will come up with next. For 350 odd years classical science has been steadily moving towards the goal of discovering these universal laws, and with the establishment of such we have been able to face the future with confidence and much creativity.

Question is though; imposing a universal law and trying to make the natural world bend to it may prove to be less helpful in dealing with uncertainty rather than if we were to keep  fairly flexible paradigms.

Expectations may be experienced as "reality", and although they feel like certainties, this may not necessarily be so. If what we expect, happens often enough, pretty soon we may begin to think it will/should always happen this way, and subsequently we may experience it as a "certainty".

So let us go back to being stuck in beween certainty and uncertainty, we know for certain (so we think anyway) what we have left behind, and before us lies the "unknown". Probably many of us will be tempted to begin the "what if?" game. What if we should have waited longer? What if we missed something? What if we didn't understand it correctly? What if it was just an accidental occurrence? What if she.....? What if he......? and so on. The unknown may now begin to look scary and and not at all exciting, so we get stuck. We may feel that we can't really turn back but, were not yet ready to step forward into uncertainty.

So we stay put.

Jim Carrey: "If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret."

Erich Fromm: "The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers."

 

Amazing as it may seem, the good news is that uncertainty offers the possibility for hope.

What if we were to replace our expectations with plans? What we plan to do, is an action we have control over since we are the architects of those. We can plan to go to the beach, we can plan to apply for a job, we can plan to take a vacation, we can plan for our children to go to College, and so on. We can't know if this will really eventuate in the future but we can remain positive about the possibilities, and their potential outcomes, and follow our plans.

Uncertainty may well prove to be the very fertile "soil" in which we can plant our dreams, our hopes, our faith. Before a painting becomes a masterpiece, it is a blank canvas full of uncertainties but also a blank canvas teeming with possibilities and discoveries. Before a dream becomes an eventuality, it begins as an uncertainty.
Tony Schwartz: "Let go of certainty. The opposite isn't uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose "up" sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow."

Each time we make our way through a "gate" of uncertainty, we discover new things about ourselves, the world we live in and share with others, and although some discoveries may be difficult, "Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity, the only security".(John Allen Paulos)