Conflicts are conflicting.....

 

Before I begin, a brief definition of conflict: a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns.

(Of course I could also write a definition of "disagreement", "threat", "needs" and so on, however that would use up all my energy so I leave that for you to look up ...:)

Often in conflicts, we tend to respond to our perceptions of a situation rather than an objective review of it. As humans, most of us have "filters" and whatever we experience we run through those. When I use the term filter, I mean our values, beliefs, feelings, information, culture, etc.

If our belief is that all cats are spooky, chances are that the cats we come across, are spooky...

If our information tells us that teenagers are unruly, chances are that we will meet many unruly teenagers.

If our culture in which we are raised informs us that green people are better than purple people, then chances are that this is what we will encounter.

Some of us respond to conflict with fear, others with anger, some with conviction, some with an urgent need to remove themselves from the situation, some of us maybe with all the above and some of us may just want to restore peace; equilibrium, and rather forfeit our stance rather than continue a conflict.

In a book written by Danaan Parry, "Warriors of the Heart", he recalls a story about conflict resolution that made a profound impression on me. While working in Ireland in the capacity as a "conflict resolver" he tried a daring method of helping the conflicting parties to understand each others view. Parry organised a large hall, invited all the warring members to attend, then waited. He was not sure that anybody would attend, but to his surprise, a number of them did. Parry invited them into the hall and asked them to be peaceful, respectful and allow him to suggest a possible way of understanding. The two warring tribes were standing on each end of the hall with the hall divided in the middle with a large yellow line.

"Ladies and gentlemen, all of you who have lost a parent to this conflict, please take a step forward.

Now, all of you who have lost a brother or a sister to this conflict, take a step forward.

Can all of you who have lost a lover please step forward.

All of you who have lost a friend, step forward please.

All who have lost a distant relative, someone unrelated but important to you, please step forward."

A hush fell on the hall as the warring tribes realised that they were all standing at the yellow line.

In conflicts there is often a considerable level of misunderstanding due to different perceptions which may fortify the disagreement, but if we can understand each others positions and perceptions, we may be able to find common ground, a beginning for a resolution.

As the warring parties were starring at each other across the yellow line, they realised that they all were affected by the conflict in some way or another; their common ground was loss of someone they cared about.

M.Scott Peck states in one of his books: "More than anything else, people want to be right".

Is being right more important than being understood? Is being right more important than finding a resolution to a conflict?

Is there the possibility that in a conflict/disagreement both parties involved are right?

What is the desired outcome we are looking for? Are we seeking to find a way to resolve the conflict, or are we seeking to prove the other wrong?

There are indigenous peoples who use a "talking stick" and whoever holds it, is the only one allowed to speak, the others must listen. Maybe we can incorporate the notion? Perhaps the beginning of resolution is listening, allowing the other to speak without interference regardless of our opinion of what is being said. Staying calm and respectful may also be useful. Avoiding assumptions and instead being precise, making sure that what is said and what we hear is the same; i.e. "so what I heard you say is..........is that correct?"

In conflict lies a possibility for change, for learning new aspects, for growth.

 

"Creativity comes from a conflict of ideas". (Donatella Versace)

 

"Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without the abrasive friction or conflict".

(Saul Alinsky)

 

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means".

(Ronald Reagan)