Keeping up appearances...



Snow is amazing.

 

In a few hours a hostile environment can be transformed into a glistening, brilliant, sparkling,

mysterious, wonder world. What lies beneath may be all sorts of unfriendly and threatening, but with a good snow cover barbwire, rusty spikes, broken fences, sharp rocks and other potentially dangerous items, are gone. Well, not gone,...just not visible.

A husband and wife are having an argument, tempers are flaring and there is a lot of shouting. Suddenly the phone rings. The husband/wife picks up the receiver: "Hello, 555-375689.

Ah, it's you Bill. How are you, haven't heard from you for a while? No, I'm not in the middle of anything." Gone is the loud and impatient tone of voice.

The child finally has had enough of shopping and begins to pull things of the shelves into the trolley. Patiently the parent lift the items out of the trolley and put them back on the shelves. The child decides to sit down in the middle of the aisle. Gently the parent lifts the child of the floor. The child decides to cry loudly. With other shoppers now taking notice, the parent begins to feel conspicuous. "Look Oliver, I'm almost done, please stop crying, when we get home I'll give you some ice-creme." The child stops crying and the parent thankfully becomes an anonymous shopper again.

While waiting in line for the bus, the mobile phone rings. The young woman answers with a smile: "Hey, Justin, I was hoping it was you." In a few minutes the smile on the young woman's face has vanished and is replaced with profound sadness. As she finishes her call, her eyes are filled with tears. She quickly wipes her tears away and when offered a tissue from a man behind her, she replies: "I'm alright, I don't need a tissue thanks."

Old Tom is changing his work clothes when the boss walks in to the change room. "Now Tom, you know we've had to tighten the belt around here, and I'm sorry, but I am going to have to let you go. Nothing personal at all, just business." The boss pats Tom on the shoulder and exits the change room. Tom slowly empties his locker. The changing room door opens suddenly and Blake, the new guy, skips into the room: "Nite, Tom, see you tomorrow". Tom just waves and smiles as Blake skip out leaving behind him a misty cloud of after shave.

Many of us have probably found ourselves in situations in which we felt we needed to put on a "stiff upper lip", to keep up appearances, if not for others at least for ourselves. Most societies have social norms; how common, unusual, acceptable or unacceptable a behaviour is. A collective code of conduct against which our behaviour is measured. Laughing when the code's considered acceptable behaviour require crying may raise a few eyebrows, using "outdoors" voice inside, displaying too much affection publicly, not showing enough emotion, speaking to yourself, gesticulating too much/too little and so on. Perhaps we also have an additional individual code of conduct we live by; proper ways of eating, sitting, standing, speaking, displaying emotions, etc.etc. On top of this we may also have a list of  ramifications we may suffer should we fail to keep up our appearances.
If I don't behave in ...........fashion, I will be rejected, excluded, not invited, alone for the rest of my life, .........................................(insert here all you can think of).
There is a word, etiquette, originally a french word but used in the English language since 1750, which means "a code of behaviour that delineates expectations for social behaviour according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class/group" which I find to be highly useful. What is the etiquette in 2012?
Is it acceptable to answer/speak on the mobile phone regardless of circumstances? Is it acceptable to deliver really bad news with a text? Is it acceptable to have a "Blue tooth" conversation in any public space? Is it acceptable to find a life partner on line?
Can etiquette (keeping up appearances/manners) be a good thing, or is it restrictive, or maybe both, or maybe we don't care either way?

At times a "stiff upper lip" may be what helps us cope with a difficult situation, yet in another situation it may prevent us from coming to grips with our emotions. Some people perhaps find strength in adhering to behaving/conducting themselves strictly in line with perceived social norms, others may find doing so very limiting and undermining their sense of individuality.

Maybe for some of us keeping up appearances affirms our sense of belonging, of acceptance.

Keeping up appearances may offer some of us a buffer from what is private and personal, visa vie what is public behaviour.

“Contrary to popular opinion, manners are not a luxury good that's interesting only to those who can afford to think about them. The essence of good manners is not exclusivity, nor exclusion of any kind, but sensitivity. To practise good manners is to confer upon others not just consideration but esteem; ........(Henry Alford)

Perhaps keeping up appearances/etiquette/manners is like snow; it offers a homogeneous covering.

Maybe we don't necessarily need to know exactly what lies beneath it, maybe we just enjoy and appreciate it because "skiing" would be rather tricky without it.