Have you heard the term "Autumn years"? As far as I can ascertain, the autumn years are the years lived after retirement age. The term made me ponder whether we go through different "seasons" in our lives; does our heart (our emotional core) live through summer, winter, spring and autumn?
Perhaps "summer" is when life seems to flow, we are content, we enjoy our lives.
"Spring" is when we are moving forward, learning new things, changing, feeling excited about the now and what is to come in the future.
Maybe "autumn" is when we are reflective and questioning of our choices in life, an emotional "stocktaking" mindset, and "winter" when we bunker down, lay low, and protect our inner selves.
In conversation with a friend recently my friend shared how heartbroken she felt over a particular outcome. "It's my own fault" she said, "I shouldn't have given in to hope, I should have protected myself".
Is this possible? Can we put up "barbed wire" and cover our selves with "snow"and maybe even put up a sign; "Stay out!"..? Will this protect us from emotional pain?
Is a painless, suffering-free life, the optimal outcome for living?
If we are to protect our "heart" from heartbreak and disappointments, how would we do so and at what cost? See, that's the thing...is there not a cost (emotional) involved with securing our hearts from pain, because in protecting ourselves from it may we not also miss out on opportunities of other kinds of positive emotional experiences? In loving someone/something there is always a risk of "losing" him/her/it, but loving in itself, offers many worthwhile and life affirming experiences.
"Loving" as a state of being, has many beneficial ripple effects.
"So, what would you have done differently" I asked my friend, "How would you have protected yourself from being hurt?"
"This is what I always do", she said, "I get my hopes up only to have them torn down".
"How did you feel while you were hoping?", I asked.
"Excited, full of plans and possibilities", she answered.
"Did you experience that emotional state as an enjoyable state?", I asked.
"Yes", she answered, "but in the end, things still fell apart."
"Rather than giving up on hope, perhaps finding a different approach to dealing with disappointing outcomes may be helpful?" I asked.
"Hmmmmm," she answered.
Errecting walls and fences we may be able to keep dashed hopes and broken hearts at bay, but in doing so, we may also prevent ourselves from experiencing hopes from coming true, and love to be reciprocated.
Maybe there are times in our lives when barbed wires and concrete walls seems a good option for coping, and perhaps in doing so we give ourselves the chance of regrouping and recooping, as long as we are cautious not to allow "winter" to become our permanent state of heart and mind.
In everything worthwhile there is an element of risk; with loving there is the risk of rejection, with hoping there is the risk of a let down, with trying there is a risk of failure, with being generous there is a risk of being taken advantage of, with standing there is a risk of falling, and so on.
If a child decided that falling down is too painful, or too risky, would that child ever walk?
Being alive is risky business, but then consider the option...............
Rather than protecting our hearts from pain, maybe finding life affirming coping strategies may be a better option....like someone said: "Better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all".
I'll let Neil Simon have the last word:
"Don’t listen to those who say ‘you taking too big a chance.’ Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most important, don’t listen when the little voice of fear inside you rears its ugly head and says ‘they are all smarter than you out there. They’re more talented, they’re taller, blonder, prettier, luckier, and they have connections. I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts—and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live—the chances are you’ll be a person worthy of your own respects."
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