Forgiveness, who needs it?

 

 I came across a line that read: "Father, forgive them because they don't know what they are doing".

How could he say that?

The man had been beaten beyond recognition, ridiculed, his friends had turned their backs on him, he had been made fun of, actually,........he was rejected by everybody, even those who used to "hang" with him. And all this was done without a scrap of evidence that he had done anything wrong. So, here he is...rejected by everybody, belittled and beaten within an inch of his life, and he says: "Forgive them"?

Isn't forgiving someone the same as agreeing that they are right?

For a long time "forgiveness" have received little attention from psychologists. It was a topic which was considered by many to belong to matters of faith, but in the 1980's both psychologists and social psychologists began to produce papers and books on the subject. Today there are many publications on the subject of forgiveness and the effect it has on a human life.

For many of us however; "to forgive or not forgive, may be the question".

(This is such a huge subject, so if you don't mind, I'll stay with the personal, one-on-one stuff)

What happens inside of us emotionally and physically when we hang on to resentment and hurt?

According to many studies, holding on to negative(anger, resentment, hate etc.)emotions affects our bodies and research has shown that it plays a big part in many illnesses. Regardless of the "rightness" or how justified we may feel about an injustice or wrong someone has done to us, if we do not express how we feel to the person(s), or our diary, or a friend, etc....chances are that our feelings will get the better of us and eventually we may unload all the emotions in a very destructive way...and onto people who just happens to be there.

"Why did you hit that guy, he was doing nothing?" a friend asks his mate. "He looked at me funny'" answers the mate. "Why are you yelling at me, all I did was ask you if you had a good day at work?" asks the girlfriend/boyfriend.

"Why are you so angry all the time" the friend asks her/his friend.

"Did something happen at school today Jim?" the mother asks her son. "Nothing, I don't want to talk about it!" answers the son as he slams his bedroom door.

Resentments at times can ferment, become toxic, and expand until they influence many parts of our lives. "If you don't bring forward what is within you, it will destroy you. But, if you bring forward what is inside of you, it will heal you". (St. Thomas) We can either express or suppress our emotions, but regardless of whether we do or not, we are affected.

"Why should I forgive them/him/her, I didn't do anything wrong?"

One good reason could be: "Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies"(Unknown)

Forgiving someone for a perceived(the other may have a different view) offence is about us, not them. "Easier said than done" you may say, and I agree, it can be a very hard thing to do.

Let's say that someone cuts in in front of you in a queue you have been patiently waiting in, would that make you upset, angry, or outraged? Would you be less upset if someone told you that the person cutting in was having an asthma attack and pushed in because he/she needed the medication urgently?

Seeing/understanding things from others perspective often change the way we view things.

That's all very fine, you may say, but what about people who are just plain mean, evil, nasty, selfish, a bully, greedy, etc.?

As a kid, like so many others, I was bullied. I wondered what was so wrong with me, but a more constructive question perhaps would have been to ask what was wrong with them?

What kind of pressures did they have to deal with?

Regardless of us understanding, agreeing, or disagreeing with the reasons people have for doing what they do, forgiving others is about us, not them, because when we hang on to negative emotions we are releasing cortisol and adrenaline(hormones) that in excessive amounts may lead to all sorts of illnesses.

When my closest friend died in a car accident at the age of 40, initially I felt shocked, numb and profoundly sad, but these feelings changed into anger and resentment. What was he doing driving under the influence, and at that speed? What about his kids? Why didn't he think about these things before he hopped in the car? I bottled up all my anger and resentment until one day when I decided to let it go. The method I used was to buy two dozen eggs, launch them at big tree in my garden with each egg specifying what I was angry about. "I am angry with you for dying!" launch. "I'm angry with you for driving too fast!" launch. By the time I launched egg number 24, the anger had gone, but there was an awful mess to sort.

Perhaps we can forgive others because we ourselves need forgiveness?

Have not most of us at some time or another done/said something that hurt/upset someone else?

Forgiveness is a gift, one we can both give to others and ourselves, and with Christmas just around the corner, perhaps now is a good time to give such a gift?

Whether one celebrates Christmas or not, perhaps this may be as good a time as any to earmark it as an occasion to let go of past resentments and embrace the gift of forgiveness.

 

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." - (Katherine Ponder)

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

(Louis B. Smedes)

 

ps. I painted this painting remembering all children, the innocents, who in many parts of the world are paying for the harm done and is still being done, by parents/caretakers/guardians etc. etc.