About tolerance.......

 

There are many different ways to use the word "tolerance", so I will speak only about tolerance as pertaining to learning to handle increasing levels of frustrations. What sets you off? What frustrates you the most? So, why do you think these things frustrate you?

There is a term in psychology "locus of control" and we have an internal locus of control if we believe we control our own destinies; if we believe the control lies with "outer" forces, or authority figures such as Fate or 'God', its called external locus of control.

If we believe in external locus of control, (possible we may never have thought about it in these terms)we may find it at times to be extremely comforting yet at other occasions, frustrating with feelings of powerlessness. Feeling powerless(helpless) is often a common cause for feelings of frustration resulting in faltering tolerance levels. If we feel we have no power to change a difficult situation; that we can not affect any change for improvement, then we often experience a sense of "helplessness" and frustration. Example: "What's the point in voting, what difference is one vote gonna make?" "What's the point in telling Smith that his way of speaking with me is offensive,... he's the boss." "What's the point in ........, nobody takes any notice anyway."

If we believe that forces outside of ourselves affect our ability to achieve our goals, such as luck, fate, i.e. authorities beyond our control, we have no stake in changes being made. At the same time as it may offer less pressure(stress of being successfull) to achieve, it also requires less effort on our behalf. Should we attempt to put forward a "change" and get knocked back, we also have a possible scapegoat; our powerlessness.(You can't beat City Hall)

With Internal locus of control, people believe that they are primarily responsible for the outcomes in their lives. According to studies, people with internal locus of control are more achievement motivated, they believe that changes can be made with hard work, and that the power of control rests to a large extent with the individual.

Noteworthy here is that very few people are singularly internal or external.

What frustrates you the most? What about it is frustrating? How do you usually deal with it?

Some of us have low frustration tolerance and seemingly unimportant events, minor life inconveniences, can trigger a reaction from us. Some one cuts in in front of you, the light bulb in the bathroom blows, the cat drops a dead mouse at your feet, the corner shop has no milk left, someone pinches your parking spot, etc. etc. These kinds of occurrences are common stance and maybe it is in our best interest to restrain our negative reactions. "That's easy for you to say", someone may respond, "but, how do you do it?"

Maybe a starting point can be to imagine how it could have been worse. The cat could have dragged in a live snake. Although the bulb is blown, you can still use the toilet, worse if the toilet was blocked and you had to get a plumber in. There is also the "exposure" (another psychological term) method, where you expose your self to bite size "frustrations" and bit by bit find a way of increasing your tolerance levels. When you are in these different situations, perhaps you can ask yourself why you are so frustrated to begin with, do the feelings of frustration, anger, irritation, etc. stem from a feeling of helplessness?

Sometimes reframing a situation can make a big difference to how we respond, such as viewing the experience from a different perspective, shifting the focus. I recently had to have some major dental work done and discovered that I was able to increase my tolerance for the treatment by counting backwards from 500. Shifting focus allowed me to be more tolerant of the pain and uncomfortability of having many sharp implements in my mouth. Sometimes just plain accepting the situation/event for what it is rather than struggling against it can increase our tolerance, other times maybe shifting focus will assist, and if the event is painful but unavoidable perhaps focus on breathing only.

Some difficult experiences can only be got through one minute at the time, and each successful passing minute offers the opportunity to increase ones tolerance levels.

Finding ways of increasing our tolerance levels may help us to increase our level of patience, and with more patience more acceptance, with more acceptance more contentment and enjoyment, with more contentment and enjoyment, more happiness.

 

"When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, 'Oh yes - I already have everything that I really need.'" (Dalai Lama)

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity."  (Melody Beattie)

 

"Acceptance of ones life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes........" (Paul Tournier)

 

 

 

Expectations affects the outcomes

"I have a dream......" Martin Luther King Jr  exclaimed with his majestic voice on the 28th of August 1963 at the Lincoln memorial in Washington D.C. Over 200.000 people listened as he spoke of hope, of forging forward in spite of difficulties, of following the pursuit of building a better society, of remaining united in the vision of everyones right to the pursuit of happiness.

On April 4th, 1968, his life was cut short by a bullet fired by an assassin. Martin Luther King Jr. was 38 years old.

For many people, Martin Luther King Jr, offered hope, raised expectations and consideration of possibilities maybe never entertained.

There are "drawbacks"(for lack of a better word) with hope, faith and expectations; vulnerability and the possibility of a "let down". Expectation in as much as it can feel like a "buzz", excitement and hope, maybe can be defined as: "looking forward with anticipation".

The first time you beat the computer expert at a chess game, you probably feel exhilarated, joy full etc. but how do you feel after the 15th time? Something happens with our expectations and corresponding feelings because something first considered amazing, unexpected, a boon, and often received with a sense of humility, quite often becomes an expectation experienced as a "right", a given, and instead of humility, our feelings can change into pride, maybe even self-righteousness. Put another way, our feelings may change from a sense of gratitude to ingratitude.

Do we not expect others to treat us fairly, if we treat others so? Do we not expect others to be on time if we always keep our appointments promptly? When we treat others politely, do we not expect others to treat us the same way?

I sometimes ponder where our expectations spring from. Is it an inalienable "right" to expect a life free from hardship, ill health, heart brake, disrespect, ridicule, unfairness ,etc.? And if it is a "right" then who dispenses this right, and why is it not given to millions of people who can not even except clean, fresh water to drink when they need it?

The difference between our expectation of how life should be and how life is, may present an insight as to our feelings of dissatisfaction. If we expect a life with ups and downs, with bad times just as often as good times,(insert here your own definition of the words), of times of just getting by, of love received and love lost, of promises kept and promises broken, of good health as well as times of illnesses, of hopes fulfilled and hopes dashed, if we expect life to contain experiences evoking a myriad of feelings, from inertia to jubilation and all in between, then maybe what is and what we want our lives to be, more often than not,......will intersect.

Expectation, hope, belief, anticipation,...now to the antonyms: doubt, miss trust, unbelief.

Some people say they prefer to not have any expectations, because that way they will not be disappointed, but isn't that an expectation also? An expectation can be "negative" or "positive" in nature. "They'll never make it", "He always stuffs it up", "She is never on time", "He never returns my calls",  etc.etc. Often with negative expectations, "absolutes" are used such as : never, always, all, forever, etc. which reiterates and reinforces the expectation.

Do we use the same absolute language for positive expectations?

Let's try it.......: "they always win, she's always on time, he always does it the right way, he always returns my calls"........Well, maybe we do.

According to the "Expectation Effect", our perception and behaviour change as a result of personal expectations or the expectations of others. Once a person believes something, the belief alone creates the possibility that it will happen.

So whether our expectation is negative or positive in nature, it may become self-fulfilling.

Some examples:

The Halo effect: an employee's performance is rated higher/better based of giving a positive impression rather than their performance

The Hawthorne effect: employees become more productive based on the belief that changes in their work environment will increase productivity

The Pygmalion effect: students perform better/worse according to the teachers expectations

Our expectations affect the outcomes.

"Your expectations opens or closes the doors of your supply. If you expect grand things and work honestly for them, they will come to you, your supply will correspond with your expectation."

Orison Swett Marden

"Uncertainty and expectation are the joys of life. Security is an insipid thing"

William Congreve

 If we remove the absolutes and instead use somewhat more ambiguous words, who knows what may happen?

"He did stuff up, but maybe next time he wont. She is often late, but let's just wait and see. So far he has not returned any of my calls, but maybe this time he will? They have lost the last few games, but today is another day, perhaps today it will all work out for them."

Exchanging the absolutes connected with our expectations for words of ambiguity, may open a path for us to experience our lives with more contentment and satisfaction, and to join with Anne Frank in her thought: "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world".

 

 

 

Is observation free from evaluation?

"To observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence" Krishna Murti writes.

Look at this image....why is this woman crying? Is she crying? Why is she sitting at the curb, and what is written on the piece of paper in her hand? In the cup on her left side, what is in it? Where is she sitting, in a terminal, at a bus stop, outside a drugstore?

When we are observing something, someone, what are we actually doing?

According to Collins Thesaurus: study, monitor, investigate, ponder, check, look on, etc. or Wikipedia: receiving knowledge from the outside world through the senses, recording data using scientific instruments.

There is something called the "observer effect" that I will touch on later, for now I will just ponder what happens when we observe. Have you ever noticed that when we observe, or look at something, we seem to start a narrative. As a visual artist I deal with this issue very often. It seems as if the minute we look at a painting, many of us start a narrative of what the painting means, depicts, etc. Figurative art is easy, but what to do with non-figurative? How do we make a narrative out of seemingly random, meaningless pigments on a canvas? Jackson Pollock, loved by some, and disliked by many, conveyed a totally different aspect of painting; the process; and the narrative, (if any), belongs with each viewer of the work. (It always does but in the case of abstract painting more so than figurative it seems)
                             Having a "narrative" for many of us offers cohesion, i.e. making sense out of it all, so when we for instance see an old woman sitting on the ground crying, we may try to find an answer, a story, explaining to ourselves the behaviour, since the behaviour is not a common place occurrence. (Crying is usually done in private) Many times we have "narratives" which we are unaware of directing our views, passing out judgement so to speak, for us however, it feels like "that's how it is" and we often experience the narrative as "the truth". To change a narrative takes much effort, new interpretations and new information. Some years ago Harrison Ford portrayed a man who through an incident lost his memory, ("Henry")and had to start all over to discover who he is. His wife would inform him of what his likes and dislikes were because he no longer knew, but as time progressed he found it harder and harder to go along with the information, because it was no longer true for him. Losing his memory, he lost his narrative and he no longer viewed the world the same.
                                          Understanding other people's narratives helps us to understand their choices, opinions, attitudes and lifestyles, and understanding often encourages in us a greater sense of compassion. Context often paves the way for a less judgemental and more open interpretation of others, but if nothing else, it offers insight. To observe without judgement, to suspend any opinion, to not attach a narrative, is difficult for most of us. Our own narratives are so very real to us that to entertain the notion that it may not be the only "truth", can be very challenging. Maybe all we can do is to begin by suspending our judgement until we know all the variables....entertain all possibilities, and err on the side of charity.
   "People's minds are changed through observation not through argument". (Will Rogers)
   "The service of philosophy, of speculative culture, towards the human spirit is to rouse, to startle it to life of constant and eager observation".  (Walter Pater)

                        Observation affects the observer, how the information then is digested 
                        depends on the observers narrative.

ps: for those of you interested in more aspects of observation, may I suggest looking up
     "The Observer effect".....areas such as IT, Physics and Psychology.

Is talking the same as communicating?

The assistant gets called in to the managers office and is told: "I don't think we're communicating

here because.............." . The husband complains to his wife: "I don't know what's going on with Rudy, he never communicates with me".  The student loves art classes because she feels that the art teacher is a really good communicator. What does the word "communication" mean? Well, it comes from the latin word communis which means "to share". Basically it means an activity of conveying information. We do it through exchanging thoughts, information, messages either through the written or spoken word, how we behave, body language and signals, and it requires a sender and a receiver.

What we often tend to forget is that what the sender sends as a message will be interpreted by the receiver, the receiver then applies their meaning to the message. It's not what the message does to the receiver, but what the receiver does with the message, that determines how successfully it was communicated.

Thanks to technology we now have a vast array of methods of communicating, but more and more there seem to be signs of side effects. Every mechanical/electronic medium we use to keep in touch with each other, somehow also manages to keep us apart. Why get face-to-face when its so much easier to just email, text, twit, facebook, chat etc.? (We seem to be supplied with more and more ways of staying away from one another. We can do all our sports in the living room, travel the world, go to concerts, watch movies, do our shopping etc.)

If we equate communication with data-transfer, then using "i-thingys" may seem the obvious way to go, but what about sharing the "meaning" of the message? Does speed and immediacy always necessarily rank higher than personal face-to-face communication?

For instance, have you ever found yourself wandering around mega stores confused and bewildered and wishing for a "real" person to talk to, to ask where you can find that item you're looking for?

Have you ever been in a telephone queue waiting, hoping for a "real" person to speak with? Have you ever found yourself wondering about an sms, email your friend/partner sent you, and what they really meant?

Have you had people asking you the same question? How would you prefer being told really good or bad news, in person or via an "i-thingy"?

Can we keep our sense of belonging in/to a community when we spend more time with machines/devices than with people? Being part of a community encourages us to be aware of others, to feel a sense of responsibility, a connection to something more than ourselves, so maybe we need to be careful that our love affair with the "i-thingys" doesn't perpetuate fragmentation of the community and isolation of the individual.

How will our patience with others be affected when we have become accustomed to communication taking place at warp speed? The more fantastic and speedy the non-personal media of communication become, is there not a temptation for us to isolate ourselves more and more from "real" communities, invest less in getting to "know" people or maintaining existing close personal relationships?

Is machine-based information transfer really equal to face-to-face communication?

Face-to-face communication is not a single simple event, it is often quite slow, it is a process of sharing with another human being, it is the development of a relationship, and warp speed does not apply.

Language is a system of symbols which we use to express meaning. Meaning is not in the language itself, but in the minds of those using language to share their ideas. Does a frog know its a frog?

It may seem as if meaning is in the words themselves if we have learned to use particular symbols to express particular ideas or meanings, but the word is empty so to speak, until we attach our meaning to it. We may both say "the sky is blue" but your blue and my blue is most probably very different. The fact that we may agree that the sky IS blue is due to us both having learned to use those particular symbols to express particular ideas and/or meanings. On an individual level, we still interpret what "blue" means to us.

It is not the message(the words used) that we are communicating which determines how successful we are, but rather what meaning (interpretation of words )the receiver attaches to the message, that determines the outcome of the communication. Did we understand each other?

Collins Thesaurus defines to communicate: to talk, speak, correspond, make contact, report, transmit, publish, proclaim, convey, etc. and communication: conversation, correspondence, intercourse, link, connection, relations, etc.

Talking can be the same as communicating, maybe we just need to be cautious so we don't transmit rather than talk, report rather than converse, proclaim rather than speak with...

Whether we call it communicating or talking, hopefully it always includes the possibility for a mutual understanding and a good relationship between the sender and the receiver.

 

"Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true". (Charles Dickens)

 

"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others". (Tony Robbins)

 

"Communication is two-sided - vital and profound communication makes demands also on those who are to receive it... demands in the sense of concentration, of genuine effort to receive what is being communicated". (Roger Sessions)

 

The Glass People, who are they?

Have you heard the term "the glass people"?

My son introduced me to it and it has remained at the fore front of my mind. Who are they? They are the people a successful society don't want to see or acknowledge, they are the epitome of "losers". And although everyone knows that being a "loser" is not a contagious disease, the glass people are more often than not, still treated as if they are contagious.

If a person is successful; a winner, because they deserve it, are unsuccessful people; losers, so also because they deserve it? Is it really that simple? Are we all born with the same abilities to cope with the stresses of life?

Natural selection seem to indicate that the "strong" will survive, the weak will perish or struggle for their existence, but does "strong" necessarily mean better? Do only "winners" have something to contribute to society, is it possible to be a "winner" and yet somehow on another level be a "loser"?

In between being a winner or a loser, can one not simply be a participant of life, with moments of successes and failures, or just status quo?

In many societies "winning" has become a social measure of a persons personal worth and value, and if we lose, then there must be something wrong with us, we have the problem, we are not good enough, we are not measuring up, and it's all our own doing so.

So when we encounter the glass people; the tribe of people not coping according to an invisible but inferred "How to be a winner" manual; it is often easier to blame than show compassion.
When someone is deemed not trying hard enough, who sets the standard of what "hard enough" is?
If a person is deemed "weak", who sets the standard for what constitutes "strong"?
We find ourselves living in a world that is basically based on cause and effect; there's a problem, there's a reason for it, the reason will indicate who's fault it is and who or what is responsible for it, who-or-whatever is responsible must then be held accountable for fixing it, failing to do so, means you're a loser.
Someone loses their job, it feels like a personal rejection. A teenager is diagnosed with a mental health problem, the parents feel they must have done something wrong. The adopted child surmises he wasn't lovable enough for his real parents. After 135 rejections the job seeker is convinced it's her fault for not being pretty enough. After five times in rehab, the addict is convinced there is no hope, he/she is a loser. After seven attempts at dating he/she is sure he/she is better off alone.
But what about the variables? Is it not possible that there are many causes and many effects? Could there not be many reasons for why something occurs?
Maybe the reason for why there are glass people, is not so much about the reasons why they become the glass people, but that our winner/loser, success/failure societies has such a myopic view and definition of the terms? Turning on a light switch is easy, explaining what energy is, not so much.
The Glass People; i;e, the people sleeping rough, the drunks, the disenfranchised, the homeless, the many with mental health issues, the war vets, the abused, the run-aways, and many more, are not the losers,..........we who pretend we don't see them, ......we are.
A society which has no compassion or time for all its inhabitants, who finds it easier to dismiss rather than to listen, to reject rather than to include, to blame rather than to investigate, exactly how is it in a position to be labelling anybody a winner or a loser?

 

 

 

What is time?

              Many of the things we have and do today, viewed with eyes from a century ago, would very probably seem like science-fiction. It was not that long ago when the first
"TV" appeared; in 1927 Philo Farnsworth filed for a patent on the first complete electronic television system, which he called the Image Dissector, and in the late 1940's the common person would be able to buy their first black&white tv-set. Since then, one more mind-boggling invention after the other has been made; technology has no bounds it seems. Much of what we do on a daily basis is done in front of or with the help of a screen. Amazing progress have been made through technology in the fields of medicine, science, diagnostics, physics, etc.etc as well as artistic areas. We can keep in touch with friends and family in most parts of the world, we can make friends with strangers by the click of a mouse, we can search for answers and information on any subject 24/7.
And to think that not long ago we were seduced by moving pictures on a large screen, and ecstatic by "talkies". Now we don't blink an eyelid at it, we just line up for the next new "i-thingy" and we do expect it all to work flawlessly, because exponentially we all seem to be running out of patience.
There is research that supports this with "unhappy" data showing more rage is all the rage; road-rage, parking rage, shopping-trolley rage, waiting-in-line rage, queueing-on-the-way-to-work rage, to mention but a few.
Seems that although we invent more and more time-saving devices and methods, we still don't have enough time, although, we do seem to always have time to be "raging".
Since we came up with the concept "hours" and that one day always has 24 of them, somehow we seem to continuously run out of "time". The time that we "save" with all these amazing time-saving devices we have invented, what do we do with it?
How is it that we are more stressed, anxious, over worked, stretched to the limit, sleepless, when we no longer spend any time collecting fire wood, hunting for food, plucking birds, catching fish, building our house, making our own furniture, ploughing the fields, making bricks, spinning the wool, picking the cotton, and so on?
And how is it possible that some people seem to have more time than others?
Statistics show that people are more anxious now than ever before in history, in spite of all the marvellous inventions we have come up with to make life less stressful, we are in fact stressing more than ever.
So we now need time to de-stress, to meditate, to relax, to get help to control and alleviate our anxieties. Yet, the number of hours in a day,...is still the same 24. Maybe the question is not so much about what we do with our hours, but who we spend them with. "Time", as in years, months, hours, seconds and so forth, is a human construct, something I believe we invented so we could function orderly and harmoniously, but they are all just terms for change, some incremental, others sweeping and large. The sun goes up, the sun goes down, in between the up and down; things, events, and experiences take place. Time is very sensitive to perception. When at the dentist, one hour can seem like four, when having a de-stressing massage, one hour may seem to fly by.
Waiting for ones teenager to return home safely from a party, one may experience every second they are late as a lifetime.
Time then, may be called a malleable concept. If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, then maybe time is in the mind of the "beholder". Maybe it is not about the amount of time we have available so much as how we prioritise it, because aware of doing so or not, we do prioritise.
Chatting or texting while waiting in a waiting room, line, bustop, airport, etc. we miss an opportunity to get to know a new person. Sitting on the computer/ipad, gaming/working/emailing, while one of our family/friends needs our attention, we miss an opportunity for closeness.
Is not the whole point of having all these time saving devices so that we can spend more time with those that matters the most to us, or are they just elegant, sophisticated tools that encourage us to be more and more self-focused rather than other-focused?
Is it not possible to not answer the mobile/cell phone when it rings when we have company?
Is it not possible to occasionally leave the computer alone until the kids/significant other are in bed?
Is it not possible to turn to the person next to us on the train/bus/plane and start a conversation rather than text, twitt or facebook?
Is it not possible to just be where you are, when you are there?
Is it not possible to just sit down and wait for our souls to catch up with the rest of us?
I think it is.





 

Dare to "dream", coz you never know......

Babe Ruth, arguably one of Americas most famous Baseball players, began his life very humbly. Ruth himself described his beginnings as "rough". At age seven, his father sent him to St. Mary's Industrial School for Boys, a reformatory and orphanage. From this humble beginning, Ruth has become credited with changing baseball itself.

The popularity of the game exploded in the 1920's largely due to his influence. The Babe ushered in the live-ball era with his big swing escalating home run totals. Babe Ruth is now regarded as one of the greatest sports heroes in American culture.     

We all are free to "dream", no matter what the circumstances may be. When I was very small, I dreamed of becoming a jazz pianist, I dreamed that I would play in America, with American jazz musicians, that I would experience first hand the spirit of Jazz. There was nothing that indicated that this dream would ever become a reality......what does a white, suburban Swedish child have in common with the african-american culture born out of slavery, poverty and disparity?

I never asked myself that question, I just followed my heart, and my heart knew no boundaries.

Have you ever noticed how people's first reactions to "dreams" often are of the doubting, critical kind, and how people with visions often become labelled "dreamers", but not in a good way?

I have often wondered if criticism is our default position to anyone with new ideas.

Yet, somehow and very fortunate for mankind, "dreamers" seem to keep popping up and in spite of many obstacles to overcome; they keep inventing, imagining and creating.

In the depth of your being, do you have dream?

Is there something in your life that you are passionate about and if you allowed yourself to throw caution to the wind, you would love to have a go at?

Then why not do so?

I'm a realist, you may say, and some of us have to do the "real" jobs, we can't all be dreamers.

Interesting thing is that many of our so called "real" jobs exist because somebody had an idea, a dream. Much of our technology that now employ hundreds of thousands of people, began with an idea. The Wright Brothers had a dream that man could fly, others that human kind could walk on the moon. Instead of saying: "it can't be done, people who dream, ask; how can it be done?

Whatever progress mankind achieves, the beginning point is often to ask: "what if?"

Often at the end of a performance, people would come up to me and say: "I wish I could play an instrument", to which I would ask; "have you ever tried to"? More often than not, the answer would be no.

To follow one's dreams, takes courage.
"All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them" said Walt Disney.

"There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?" Robert Kennedy

"You have to dream before your dreams can come true" Abdul Kalam
The time for having a dream, is always now, regardless of circumstances. Martin Luther King Jr: "I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream."
If you always wanted to learn an instrument, sing, paint, cook, garden, build, nurse, study, etc.
NOW is the time.
Dreaming, imagining, visualising, is the beginning,
the rest is hard work.
(ps. I did go to America and play with famous jazz musicians. My dream did come true, but that's another story.)