How to be a good friend.....on friendships

 

This is a painting I have called "Best Friends". In my imagination; it's a summers day, school's out, and a boy and his best friend are exploring the world together.

Friends, it seems to me, are very important for most of us, whether they have two or more legs, or perhaps even no legs at all....

But, what is a friend? Some suggestions: someone you can trust, someone who gets you, someone who supports you, someone who is loyal, someone who is honest, someone who loves and is passionate about the same things as you, someone who laughs at your jokes, someone who calls in on you when you're feeling poorly, someone who can keep a secret,...hmmm...seems the list goes on and on.....all the above and then some perhaps?

(A tall order for one person (/dog/cat/other) to fulfil so perhaps this is why we have a "category" we call our "best/closest" friend?)

I may be wrong, but is it possible that with the event of Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, that our perception of what constitutes "a friend" has changed? Has the quantity of friends somehow become more important to us than the quality of our friendships?

If something unexpectedly wonderful, or bad happens, what is your kneejerk reaction: sharing your news in a public space (facebook/twitter/instagram), or getting in touch with the person you feel closest to, or perhaps mull it over internally before you share the news with anyone?

The song "You've got a friend" defines friendship rather nicely I think:

 

"When you're down and troubled,
And you need some love and care,
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me,
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night.

You just call out my name

And you know wherever I am

I'll come running to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall

All you have to do is call

And I'll be there

You've got a friend."

 

Defining what we seek/desire from the people we call friends, for many of us may be an easier task than defining what kind of friend we are to others. Do we ask ourselves if what we seek from others, we also offer others? A very close friend of mine, an incredible drummer, once told me: "You're too intense, too deep, and you need to lighten up. You scare people away."

Stumped, and temporarily speechless (yes, it happens...:) I looked at my friend and asked him to elaborate. "You need to learn how to chit-chat and just joke around," he answered.

Chit-chat? What? Talk and joke about.... nothing? Our friendship had developed through a deep connection both musically and through a meeting of the minds. We never chit-chatted yet we had formed a very strong friendship, so I was perplexed by his suggestion. But I listened to his words.

I learned how to chit-chat, and occasionally it seems, I manage to crack a "funny". Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: "The best way to find a friend is to be one."

So, how can one be a good friend?

Some suggestions: By listening, by asking what he/she may need, staying in touch, being supportive, being "there" when needed, using sensitive language, being persistent, consistent, and honest, and learning to respect your friend's boundaries, to mention a few.

Chances are, that the qualities we value in a friend, may also be what a friend may value in us.

Reaching out to someone beyond chit-chatting can be scary since the possibility of being rejected or ignored is always in play, however, so is also the possibility of developing a meaningful and long-lasting friendship...as someone once said: "Nothing worthwhile was ever achieved without an element of risk".

 

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity". (Khalil Gibran)

 

 

Thoughts can make us prisoners.......

Some "prisons" have visible, concrete walls, however, in my view it is possible to create "prisons" with our minds. (as in mindsets=our fixed mental attitudes)

We may erect "walls" by deciding "how things are" regardless of whether we have actually investigated if there may be possible solutions/outcomes/methods we have yet to try.

(Example: Wall 1> "It can't be done." Wall 2> "I can't do it."  Wall 3>"What if I fail, then I will be a failure, and I don't want to be a failure." Wall 4>"It's too scary with too many unknowns.")

These "invisible" walls are problematic because they are.....invisible to us. For us, "that's just the way things are".... until something happens that may challenge those walls of ours.

People often find themselves doing brave things although racked with fear when their lives, or loved ones, or even strangers lives, are in danger. When my son was a basketball mad kid, I took him to be signed up with a team, an hour later I walked away from the sign-up with a clipboard and the title "coach"! My mind was racing: "what???how??? and what happened, what do I know about being a basketball coach???" Because my son loved basketball so much, I decided to learn everything I could about coaching basketball because my love for my son was greater than my fear of failing as a coach.

According to research, more and more of us are seeking help to deal with our social anxiety issues and feelings of loneliness, which to me is quite interesting considering that as a planet, we are more "connected" than ever before. "Fear of rejection" is a common "wall" for those of us suffering with social anxiety, "fear of causing embarrassment to others and/or self" another, a third may be "speaking to a group of people", and a forth wall may be "a physical manifestation of fear" as in sweating, shaking, becoming tongue tied, speaking at an inappropriate volume, (too soft, too loud) etc.. however, these things can all be avoided when we "speak" through a keyboard.

So, many of us often choose to use the keyboard and doing so, ...we avoid putting ourselves in situations that are challenging, and before we know it, or perhaps are even aware of it, we have created our own "prisons" of invisible walls. Most of us probably experience a bit of anxiety when we meet new people, have to speak infront of a group, or face new situations, (I certainly do) but as with most challenges, avoidance often creates problems of its own. "I won't go to the party, there's too many people I don't know", "I won't go to the concert, there's too many people there", I won't go to the movies, there's too many people making noises", "I won't ....xxx....because....xxx". The list of what we "won't do" slowly increases and what we feel comfortable doing, decreases. Inadvertently, one may say, we have managed to create our own "prisons".  The opposite of avoidance, is to face, to meet, a challenge, and a helpful beginning point can be to question our thoughts. How am I thinking about this? (whatever the challenge is) Am I overly negative, have I got all the facts, have I dealt with this successfully at other times, are there other more positive ways to view this issue, am I basing my thinking on assumptions, etc.. ? Objectively challenging our thoughts and their validity rather than sticking with "that's just the way it is", we have an opportunity to discover new strengths within ourselves: "My thoughts tells me that .....xxx.....but do I know this for a fact?  Perhaps even though this is a bit scary, I can still do it?"

Creating "walls" may help us to feel more protected and safe, however, keeping others out prevents us from developing our capacity to deal with challenges, to develop relationships, and to flourish.

Walls protects, but they can also make us prisoners. The walls we create to protect ourselves from being hurt, often makes it hard for us to love, and to be loved.

 

What is happiness?....according to a rabbit it is a string of pearls

 

"What is happiness?" said the Little Rabbit to the Big Rabbit.

"Oh, that's a hard question, Little Rabbit", answered the Big Rabbit.

"Hard? I don't understand, why is it a hard question, Big Rabbit?"

"Because Little Rabbit,  it means different things to different creatures.

For us rabbits it can mean an open field, a secure burrow, a healthy litter, and plenty of food for all of us. For other four legged creatures it can mean the freedom to roam, to hunt, to graze, to run like the wind. But when it comes to the two legged creatures, it seems more complicated", replied the Big Rabbit.

"Complicated? Why so?" asked the Little Rabbit.

"Well, it seems to me that each two legged creature has its own understanding of it.

Now, I am not a two legged creature, so all I can do is speculate, but since you asked, I'll share with you my speculations.

As I understand it, for some of them happiness seems to be about having things, for others having good relationships with their families, friends and partners, for some having the freedom to do what they want when they want, for some it seems to be about feeling good about themselves, but there are many more reasons I am sure. To be honest, I have always wondered why the two-legged's seem to view happiness as constant, rather than a inconstant".

"Big Rabbit, what do you mean with constant? I don't think I understand what you mean", said the Little Rabbit.

"You know how the two-legged's like to immerse themselves in water?" said the Big Rabbit.

"Yuk, yes, I have seen them in lakes, rivers, bathtubs, and the ocean", said the Little Rabbit and shook his head.

"Well, sometimes it seems to me as if the two-legged's think of happiness as an everlasting "bathtub" filled with perfectly heated water that they can immerse themselves in. And stay in. For me, happiness is more like a string of pearls, with each pearl representing a moment of happiness.

"How do you mean Big Rabbit?" asked the Little Rabbit.

"When you experience a moment of happiness, it's like a precious pearl, but as you know Little Rabbit, there are also moments that are scary, dangerous, hungry, sad, and difficult, and that's the bits in between the pearls on the string of pearls. What do you think would happen to the pearls if they were not strung together on a string, Little Rabbit?"

"I imagine they could easily be lost, Big Rabbit", answered the Little Rabbit then continued "so the string is really important then?"

"Yes, it is Little Rabbit. The string holds all the pearls together so when or if, dark times strike, one

can be reminded of all the happy moments one has experienced", the Big Rabbit responded.

"So the pearls represents the happy moments, I understand that, I also understand now how important the string is, but..., what is the string made from, Big Rabbit?" asked the Little Rabbit.

"Hmmmm, let me think for a moment".

After many minutes past the Big Rabbit spoke:"The string is life as experienced by the creature living it, Little Rabbit".

"Ah", said the Little Rabbit.

"Now, let us watch this pearl of a sunset together Little Rabbit".

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”
(Dalai Lama XIV)



A childs view......and solution....

 

An open letter to the adults of the world from the children of the world

 

 

When children fight, you tell us to stop and make up,

so why don't you?

 

When children take stuff from other children,

you tell us it's wrong and to give it back,

so why don't you?

 

When children are mean to other children,

you tell us it's wrong and that we should be nice to others,

so why are you mean to others?

 

When children don't want to play with other children because they are different,

you tell us we shouldn't exclude others just because they are different,

so why do you do so to other adults?

 

When bigger children push smaller children about because they are smaller,

you tell us that that's bad and that we should treat everyone the same,

so why don't you?

 

When children lie and don't tell the truth,

you tell us that that's acting cowardly and that we should always tell the truth,

so why don't you?

 

When children hit other children, you tell us that that's not okay, that hitting someone never solves any problems,

so why is it okay for you to hit others?

 

When children want to play with guns and knives, or other sharp things, you tell them that they shouldn't because it's dangerous and that people can get hurt,

so why do you?

 

When children ask why there are so many starving children in the world, why some children have to run away from their homes, why some children don't have clean water to drink, why some boys have to become soldiers, why some girls have to get married although they are still kids, why so many children have to die although they didn't do anything wrong,

you tell us it's complicated.

 

It's not complicated.

Just Stop.

The importance of light..........

 

 

After weeks of frantic and intensive painting, I finally finished the last piece for the exhibition.

Relieved as I was, I also felt a little "now what?". As I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, I noticed layers of dust clinging to the blades of the ceiling fan. (And this without my glasses on!)

"Hm," I thought, "maybe I should do some cleaning, dusting, and some such now when the painting is done". For the duration of the painting frenzy, my cleaning method had been to take off my glasses, but I realized when I saw the dust on the ceiling fan, that the time had come for me to do some serious cleaning. A large mug of strong coffee and armed with the vacuum cleaner, I put on my glasses and decided to rid my bedroom of dust. Unbelievable. There was dust clinging to the paint on the walls! Layers of it.....white, fluffy, and lots of it. Where did it all come from? Determined to make the bedroom dust free, I put on the little brush attachment on the suction hose and started to vacuum the walls, behind things, under things, and on top of things. Balancing on an old wooden chair, I decided to include the light resistant curtains. Not a good idea....barely touching the curtain rod, the whole thing came down bringing the vertical blind arrangement with it! Crash!!! "Right," I thought, "I'll just get rid of the vertical blinds, wash the curtains and clean the windows then."

Since I had never washed the curtains before, I thought a good soak before throwing them in the washing machine would be a good idea, so in the soak they went. The reason the curtains were light resistant, is that they had some rubbery kind of coating on the back which in hindsight probably should have given me cause for pause before I soaked and washed them in the machine, but I was on a mission, so I ignored that fact. When I pulled the curtains out of the washing machine...they were slimy. "Never mind," I thought, "they will be alright once they dry".

Wrong. When I came to take them off the washing line, they were stuck to it. I basically had to rip them off, and as I did, bits of rubber stuck to the line. "Never mind," I thought, "I'll just hang them back up anyway, after all, there were only a few small bits of the rubbery backing gone".

When I awoke this morning, I was greeted by numerous little flecks of light, like tiny stars, making their presence known. "Amazing"' I thought, "how powerful light is, even the tiniest of lights is able to break through darkness".

"Light", in physics> luminous/radiant energy, an essential force behind many chemical, biological and physiological changes in life forms on earth.

"Light", and its opposite "darkness", have also been used in many cultures as symbols in a variety of forms in literature through human history, and commonly they represent two opposing forces: love>hate, good>evil, happiness>despair, etc..

There is something about light that attracts many of us humans. Perhaps it may be because

light helps us to see things, light> as from the sun, warms us, light helps things to grow, and light as how we see the stars in some of us evokes a sense of mystery, and lights as in Christmas lights, fire works, etc. brings a sense of joy to some of us. Placing a human being for a long period of time in a space void of any form of light, for many can be a terrifying experience. Most of us feel more comfortable and secure when we have visibility, and perhaps this may contribute to why we commonly  experience "light" as something "good"?

In the midst of so much "darkness" i:e; wars, famines, poverty, climate change, natural catastrophes, political unrest, disasters of many kinds, etc., it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and as if the "darkness" is too powerful to overcome. In such moments, I am reminded of St. Francis of Assisi's words: “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.”

(Some scientists suggests that a human eye can see a single lighted match from 50 miles away.)

Even if the problems around us seem too big, too impossible to do something about, may I suggest that rather than "cursing" the darkness, we "light" a candle...and with that I mean doing something, even the smallest little thing, that may bring some "light" for somebody else.

 

“How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.”  

(William Shakespeare)

Tough Love = Love, able to withstand adverse conditions.......

 

"Tough Love", is a term that Bill Miliken used for his book in 1968 titled "Tough Love" and since then has been widely used. (Commonly it is used when someone is treated harshly purposely with the intent of that harshness helping that person in the long run.)

For me, the term seems a bit of a contradiction: "I love you, but if you don't.....(insert here conditions)......then I will withhold that love".

Can love be switched on and off, and if it can, is it love in the first place?

Perhaps it's time for an alternate definition of "Tough Love"?

Tough, as in=durable, strong, resilient, able to withstand adverse conditions, etc.

"Tough Love"= Love, able to withstand in spite of.....xxx...

 

On the morning of their 30-ieth wedding anniversary, Mary finds an envelope on the breakfast table.

She opens it and begins to read:

 

Dear Mary, Happy Anniversary......

you know I am no good at writing down my thoughts, but for this special day, I will try.

So, we have come this far, you and I, and it hasn't always been easy truth be told, but I always did and still do, love you. When Torbin had his drug problem and stole from us, not to mention all the rehabs we paid for, I thought we should have exercised some tough love and cut him off, but you said no, and a good thing that was too, since your enduring love and patience eventually got him on the right path again. And then when I lost my job and felt like I was useless, started to hit the bottle pretty hard, once again, you practiced your own kind of "tough love" and helped me to rebuild my crushed ego, now...how did you do that? Well, then we had some fairly peaceful years until your dad died. Watching you withdraw into your own shell, I felt helpless. All those weeks you just sat in front of the window, solemn, saying nothing, I thought I was losing you. I tried my hand at cooking, cleaning, and doing all the stuff you usually do, but as you know, I was no good at it, although.... I did get better, right? That night when you just took the car and left, I thought it was the end of us. I have never been so scared in all my life. In desperation, (I have never told you this), I called Torbin and asked him what to do......He was amazing, he said: do what mom would do, and when he said that, I sat down and tried to remember the way you treated me when I had my crisis. So, what did you do? You never blamed, criticized, or put me down, you listened and encouraged me, you believed in me and that I would find my way through it. When you came back, thank God you did, I adopted your method of loving, and slowly we found a way through your crisis together. So Mary, thank you for sticking with me all these years and for showing me what though love really is, I love you more than ever......Bill.

 

Gently Mary slips the letter back into the envelope and places it on the mantle piece.

As she does, she can hear Bill pulling up on the driveway. With a smile on her face, she goes to greet him while thinking "I love you too Bill, and it was never tough loving you".

Simple is not the same as easy........

(Just for clarification; this is a hand painted poster (by me), not a print. It is made as a tribute to "movie poster art", a wonderfully creative and exciting genre of art in my view.)

 

"Elementary, my dear Watson" said Sherlock Holmes. Well, according to those in the know, Conan Doyle never put those words in Sherlock Holmes mouth. Clive Brook, in the 1929 film "The Return of Sherlock Holmes", acting  as Sherlock, first spoke those words now commonly associated with Sherlock Holmes. Elementary can be defined as: "simple", "basic", and/or "easy".

However, as many of us have probably learnt; simple and easy are not the same thing.

Basket ball? Simple, you've just got to get the ball in the hoop. Easy? Well, unless you are seven foot tall, not so much. Playing the piano? Simple, you've just got to press the black and white keys. Easy?  If you want to play something that can be called music, not so much. Simple; refers to the doing, the process, but "easy" refers to the level or degree of skill necessary to "doing it", which can be anything varying from easy to hard.

Got a habit you want to quit? Simple. Just quit. Easy? Not so much.

Need to tell someone you are sorry? Simple. Just say it. Easy? Not so much.

In a relationship you want to finish? Simple. Just break up. Easy? Not so much.

Want to change jobs? Simple. Just quit. Easy? Not so much.

Many of us probably have aspects in our lives that we would like to change, and although the process may be simple: eat less, drink less, smoke less, talk less, listen more, exercise more, read more, work harder, try harder, etc., none of these things are easy.

From the outside looking in, it can be tempting to make remarks such as: "Why doesn't he/she just leave him/her...it's that simple. Why doesn't he/she just loose some weight....it's that simple. Why doesn't he/she just quit drinking/doing drugs/gambling/etc.....it's that simple. Why doesn't he/she just pull his/her socks up and get on with it....it's that simple."

From the outside, without knowing the many intricacies of a situation, the solution may seem simple, a matter of "just doing it", but for the participants of that situation who knows all the intricacies, nothing about it may seem simple or easy.

(I knew for a long time that my marriage was defunct before I said anything to my partner. The solution was simple: get divorced, the doing of it however, not so easy.)

 

In theory, many things can seem easy, in practicality, not so much. Loosing weight? Simple, just eat less. Easy? Not so much for food lovers. Stop smoking? Simple, just stop. Easy? Not so much for a smoker. Be more sociable? Simple, just be outgoing and friendly. Easy? Not so much for someone with social anxiety. Depressed? Simple, just focus on the positive. Easy? Not so much for someone who suffers with depression.

However, what if the words were changed about: Stop smoking? A simple act, but not easy to do for a smoker. Loose weight? A simple act of eating less, but not easy to do for a food lover, and so on.

Is there something in your life that you would like to change?

You have concluded that the solution is simple: "I want to change....xxx...but the doing of it seems so complex, difficult, and so hard, that I don't know if I can do it."

How can one get started without feeling overwhelmed?

To transform something that seems complicated and hard into something more simple and easier to do, one way that can be helpful, is to make a list of steps to take. Breaking down what needs to be done into smaller, and "easier to do" steps. Example 1: Exercise more:    Step 1: Park the car further away from where you are going  Step 2: Take the stairs instead of the elevator when possible  Step 3: Go for a 15 minute walk whenever the time allows and so on.

Example 2: Be more patient with others     Step 1: Listen carefully   Step 2: Don't jump to conclusions   Step 3: Appreciate other's opinions and so on.

Every climb to the mountaintop begins with a single step,

every masterpiece painting begins with a single brush stroke,

every melody begins with a single note,

every book begins with a single word....

 

Go on, find your first step........