Feather light raindrops kisses her face as she steps
out into the night.
She let's out a heavy sigh, tightens her coat
collar and then slowly starts to walk to her
bus stop.
Standing at the bus stop she can feel
melancholy, like a thief in the night,
beginning to steal her very ''hard fought for''
untroubled thoughts.
Is this it? she wonders. Is this what my life
amounts to?
Being alone and unloved?
-Are you going to get on or not?
Someone asks
and she realizes that she's been so deep in thought
that she didn't notice the bus arriving.
-Oh, so sorry, yes, I am.
She quickly flashes her card and walks to the
back of the bus.
When she steps off the bus twenty minutes later
the rain has stopped and the path to
her apartment block is now lit up by a gentle moon
glow.
-Uh, nice to be home, she tells nobody as she throws
her keys in the bowl and close the door behind her.
She turns on all her little table lamps, the TV, the
kettle, put the mobile on the charge pad and then
gets changed into her trackies and slippers.
As she settles on the couch with a cup of Darjeeling,
her mobile pings.
-Ooh, no, go away, I'm not in the mood.
-Pleeease let me wallow in my self-pity
just for a little while, she mutters to herself.
Five minutes later she picks up the mobile.
It's a message from an unknown number.
-Who?
As she taps it it reads: ''I'm in town.''
Reading the words she starts to feel dizzy, shaky,
and as if she is going to pass out.
-No! Not you again!!!
On shaky legs she finds her way back to the couch.
Head swirling, thoughts and heart racing and with the phone
still in her hand, she tells herself to calm down and think
rationally.
-Why is he here again???Why wont he just
disappear?
Suddenly it dawns on her:
-Maybe that's why I felt so melancholic before?
Though quite some time has passed since she last saw him,
the thought of him always brings melancholic flashbacks with it.
Hard as she tries to stop them, flashback after
flashback continuously keep invading her mind.
She feels as if she has been swept up in some sort of
horrible vortex filled with all the worst moments in her life.
The moment when she discovered that he had an alcohol addiction,
a porno addiction, a habit of disappearing for days on end
and a habit of lying about most everything.
The moment when she realized that if she did not leave
him she would not survive.
The moment when she realized that what ever kind of
relationship she thought they were having,
love, had nothing to do with it.
Ping.
Another message.
She looks at the phone.
The same unknown number.
She takes a deep breath and then taps it.
Unknown number: ''Can I see you?''
As she reads the message she is filled
with rage, hurt, confusion and sadness.
-What does he want?
Ping.
Another message: ''I just want to talk to you.''
-Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to talk to you,
maybe I want nothing to do with you, she says to herself.
As if out of nowhere, suddenly she feels as if something
inside of her has begun to shift.
Gone is the confusion and rage.
Instead she feels strangely clear of mind and strong
of heart.
She decides to answer his message:
''I am sorry, but I don't want anything to do with you.
Take care of yourself and don't contact me again.
Actually, delete my number.''
She sends the message then puts the phone back on
the charge pad.
A few minutes later it pings again.
This time she ignores it.
Instead, she puts on the track ''Chains'' with Tina Arena
as loud as she can and starts to dance crazily, wildly
to the music.
Gone is the feeling of being chained to the memory of
a vortex of bad moments
that once was her life.
"The fear of loneliness or of not being loved
is never a good reason
for staying in a relationship that
brings more pain than joy.''
(Citizen Z)
about the image: Graphite on paper
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