On overcoming obstacles..........

 

Sometimes, it may seem as if the easiest and best way to deal with difficult and challenging stuff,

 is to just put on a blindfold. "Out of sight, out of mind" so some say.

But is that true? Do difficulties and challenges go away if we don't see (acknowledge) them?

Put another way: If you had to run an obstacle course, would you prefer to do it with or without a blindfold?

Life, in my view, in many ways can be likened to an obstacle course: some obstacles one may have to go around, some climb over, some one may have to disassemble, some one may have to get past by finding a way under the obstacle, and some, one may have to find a way through.

(When wearing a blindfold; anticipating and finding solutions to overcoming the different obstacles; may prove very difficult.)

Some "obstacles" are common to most of us: health issues, things not going the way we planned, people not behaving the way we anticipated, nature not behaving the way we anticipated, accidents, acquiring enough money to live the way we want to, finding our way through the loss of people we love, making difficult decisions, dealing with conflicts of different kinds, and so on.

Overcoming obstacles, may I suggest, is an important aspect of the "human condition". ("The human condition is defined as "the characteristics, key events, and situations which compose the essentials of human existence, such as birth, growth, emotionality, aspiration, conflict, and mortality." Wikipedia)

To overcome an obstacle, perhaps a good starting point is to learn as much as possible about the obstacle. Ex: "I don't seem to be able to pull myself out of this blue/sad mood I'm in."

Possible approach: when did it begin, did something in particular happen, have I experienced this before, do I know someone who has experienced this before, can I find some information perhaps that can help me understand this, is this a common experience, and if so, are there others that may be able to help me through this? etc.etc..

Overcoming an obstacle while wearing a "blindfold", can be both confusing and frustrating: a blindfolded Teddy runs into a wall. Since he is blindfolded, he has no idea how high it is, how extensive it is, what it is made of, or if it perhaps has an opening he can use. If he, on the other hand removed his blindfold, he would quickly be able to answer all the questions and ascertain his options of overcoming the obstacle.

Difficulties and or challenges, whether we "see" them or not, have a tendency to pop up in most lives.

Parents will eventually die, children will leave home, accidents will happen, love will be found and lost, ageing will take place, wars will be fought, disappointments will take place, etc.etc.

Wearing a blindfold will unfortunately not prevent these things from happening.

In my view, with every obstacle we face eyes wide open, lies the potential for us to grow, to learn more about ourselves, to discover strengths we may not even have known we possessed, and to expand our capacity for compassion, love and understanding.

 

"If you expect life to be easy, challenges will seem difficult. If you accept that challenges may occur, life will be easier." (Rob Liano) 

 

"It's part of life to have obstacles. It's about overcoming obstacles; that's the key to happiness."

(Herbie Hancock)

 

"Life is like an obstacle course,

question is; do you want to

live it with your eyes wide open,

or wearing a blindfold?"

(Citizen Z)

Relax your mind with the help of mindfulness.........

"Now, close your eyes. With your mind, imagine a place of beauty."

I closed my eyes and tried to still my anxious thoughts, my thumping head, and my racing heart.

"Well, it is not as easy as it sounds," I quipped, "when one's whole being is in turmoil."

"Never the less, friend, try," he said calmly.

Again I closed my eyes, and tried to conger up an image of beauty. Flashes of light and colour whizzed by, indescribable shapes, but no particular place per se showed up.

"You don't have to hold your breath, just breathe evenly and slowly."

I had not noticed that I was holding my breath, but as soon as he said it, I realised that when I was trying to visualise a place of beauty, I was indeed holding my breath.

"Right, sorry, wasn't even aware of that I was holding my breath," I responded.

I closed my eyes again, but this time I was too busy making sure I wasn't holding my breath that I saw nothing, except for the inside of my eyelids.

"Who would have thought it could be this hard to breathe slowly and evenly while at the same time visualising something," I thought.

Being still and just present in the moment had always been hard for me, my mind was a very busy mind and didn't seem to have an "off" switch.

"Listen" he said, "can you hear wind?"

"Yes, I can hear the wind," I answered.

"Focus your attention on only listening to the wind, and breathing slowly."

With the greatest of efforts I focused my attention on the wind and as I did, I noticed that my breathing somehow automatically slowed down. Amazingly, as the minutes passed, my anxious thoughts and racing heart became less prevalent. Suddenly, and as if out of nowhere, an image emerged in my minds eye. I saw trees dressed for autumn, a still lake, a mountain range, and a sky draped in a multitude of colours.

All else was gone; the anxiety, the thumping head, the racing heart; I had finally managed to remove my mind from my worries, to a place of beauty. I clung to it. How many minutes passed while I was "visiting" my place of beauty, I have no idea, but I slowly became aware again of where I was in actuality.

"Did you succeed in finding a place of beauty?" he asked.

"Indeed, I did, and the experience was amazing and very relaxing," I answered.

"What you experienced, is something called "mindfulness", and it can be a very effective tool to centre oneself and find a moment of inner stillness, he said.

"Can I do this again, and at any time and anywhere,? I asked.

"Yes, you can," he responded.

 

Though the above is a fictitious story, mindfulness is not.

There are many definitions of mindfulness: a form of self-awareness, a form of meditation, "a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, often used as a therapeutic technique" (Wikipedia), being present in one's experience, etc..

I struggled with coming to grips with what it is exactly, until one day I had an experience that helped me understand it.

Sitting on the couch, trying to relax my mind, a grasshopper of some sort suddenly started up outside the window. It was loud, and almost impossible to ignore, so I decided to focus all my attention on just hearing the grasshopper, everything else I put on "ignore". For how long the grasshopper sang his song, I have no idea, but when he suddenly stopped, I realised that I felt very refreshed and relaxed.

How odd, I thought. I decided to try this with other sounds: birds, far-away traffic sounds, cooling fans, humming air cons, the waves of the ocean, etc. etc.., and they all worked.

Somehow, paying attention to something in particular, but without attaching any judgments, or opinions to it, i:e just staying in the experience, relaxes the mind.

The same mind that may conger up all sorts of disasters, dilemmas, stresses, anxieties, etc. is the same mind that can help us to overcome them.

 

 

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).” (James Baraz)

Give peace a chance........

 

 

 

This is one of many symbols representing Peace and was originally designed in 1958 for the British nuclear disarmament movement by Gerald Holtom. (Wikipedia) Nowadays, commonly this symbol represents peace in general.

Peace has many definitions: freedom from disturbance, harmony, goodwill, friendship, tranquillity, absence of war, the end of war, amity, and many more.

Each culture has its own definition and word for peace, here are some:

Armenian- Khanaghutyun, Belorussian-Pakoj, Catalan-Pau, Danish-Fred, Estonian-Rahu,

Farsi-Solh, German-Frieden, Hindi-Shanti, Italian-Pace, Japanese-Heiwa,

Kurdish-Hasiti, Latin-Pax, Maori-Rongo, Norwegean-Fred, Polish-Pokoj, Swedish-Fred,

just to mention a few.

"Peace comes from being able to contribute the best that we have, and all that we are, toward creating a world that supports everyone. But it is also securing the space for others to contribute the best that they have and all that they are." (Hafsat Abiola)

"The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us." (Black Elk 1863-1950)

 

"What would happen if instead of focusing our attention on our differences, 

for just a little time, we focused instead on our common experiences?

What would happen if we loosened the grip on who's right and who's wrong,

for just a little time, instead we just tried to get along?

What would happen if.... when our hearts fill up with anger and hate,

for just a little time, we choose love instead?

What would happen if we made "peace for all", our foremost objective,

our solemn directive,

for just a little time, might we not achieve a more harmonious perspective?"

(Citizen Z)

 

"Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace." (Buddha)

 

 



Finding inner strength.....

 

Do you consider yourself as a "strong" person? "Well, that depends on how you define "strong", you may answer.

In English, there is a saying: "Stiff upper lip and all that".... And what that means as far as I gather is: The person having a stiff upper lip is exercising great restraint and control of his/her emotions no matter what. The task will be executed.

Is that what is commonly meant with being strong? Hmmmm.......

There are different aspects to being strong: physically, emotionally, psychologically, and probably many more, but the kind of strength I am going to write about, is of the emotional kind.

It can perhaps be defined as: a person's internal coping capabilities, as in understanding when and how to utilise those inner capabilities.

Perhaps I can begin with some common sayings about what strong people are like:

strong people are born strong, they are bossy, they don't ask for help, they don't show their emotions, they have never had to experience "real" suffering and or pain, they don't let any emotions get in the way of reaching their goals, and so on... perhaps you know more sayings?

Those sayings seem to fit well with "stiff upper lip and all that", but are they conducive to emotional well being? Commonly emotionally strong people are described as quiet, stoic, (Merriam-Webster: a member of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium about 300 b.c. holding that the wise man should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submissive to natural law.) and outwardly unaffected by emotions. Failure to fit that description of emotional strength, is often viewed as a sign of a person having difficulties in coping and being emotionally "weak". Commonly referred to as "wearing one's heart on the sleeve".

What if emotional strength is not about how we respond immediately to an event, but rather, what we do after? A person may initially put on a stiff upper lip in the face of difficulties, and then go home and decide that it's all too hard and decide to quit. A person may initially show signs of emotional distress in the face of a difficult situation, and then go home and decide to try another tack. A person showing emotions in a difficult situation, does not necessarily indicate a sign of weakness, rather, in my view, those emotions may indicate the beginning of emotional processing.

Having said that, there are times when it may be more helpful to postpone the processing of one's emotions for a later date.

When my father was taken ill recently, the emotions in the family were highly charged. We were all worried, but when visiting dad in hospital, we kept our emotions in check. That is not to say that we did not have them, just that for dad's sake, we put them on "ice" so that we could be positive and encouraging, and in doing so, hopefully assisting in his recovery. Among ourselves, we did talk about what we were experiencing, and the concerns we had.

Postponing charged emotions in my view, is not the same as suppressing one's emotions. When we suppress, we don't acknowledge our emotions, we just push them deep into our subconscious with no intention of processing or dealing with them. Doing so may lead to those emotions popping up at the oddest of times and heavily disguised: instead of sadness, we feel anger, instead of anger, we feel sadness, etc. Postponing our emotions (if possible at the time), we acknowledge them, but we put them to the side to be dealt with at a later date and in a safe and appropriate environment.

In many professions, (soldiers, cops, doctors, nurses, etc.) people by necessity have to postpone their emotions and just "get on with the job", but nowadays there is something called "debriefing" which is basically a meeting in which the participants get a chance to talk about their experiences with others. When I worked with an organisation that assisted the homeless, we always had a debriefing session after we returned back to the office, which for me was very valuable and assisted in helping me to grow my "emotional muscles". (Some, who had more experience than others, spoke less than us "newbies", but we all spoke.)

So, what are some benefits from increasing (growing) one's emotional strength?

Here are some of my suggestions (you may well have others):

It helps us to develop resilience,  it assists us in acknowledging our true feelings,  being in tune with our own emotions, we can become more sensitive and compassionate to other's emotions,  being able to discern when we may have to postpone our emotions we may be able to handle difficult situations in a more conducive and helpful way, (both for ourselves and others),  allowing ourselves to feel what we feel without reprimanding ourselves as "weak", we learn to process our emotions without un-necessary guilt (self-imposed or not)... just to mention a few.

If you find yourself chastising yourself when you show emotions (except for anger which comes real easy to you and feels right), and the words telling you to "suck it up" is on repeat, perhaps it may be a good idea to try to remember when you first heard those words..... and who said them.

 

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength." (Ralph Sockman)

 

"Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength." (Henry Ward Beecher)

Mind reading.... helpful or hurtful?

"What, are you a mind reader now?" he asked.

She remained quiet for a few seconds, then answered: "No, I am not a mind reader, but since you won't tell me what you are feeling and thinking, I have to be."

"Guessing" what other people are thinking, is what psychologists call mindreading.

There is another word for guessing that I prefer: assuming.

Assuming, basically is when we formulate an idea/notion of what someone else is thinking/feeling, without having any evidence to support that idea. Mind reading, in my view, is based on assumptions.

Your partner returns from work/studies/being out, and is unusually quiet. "What's wrong?" you ask. "Nothing", he/she answers. "But you seem so quiet", you continue. "Nothing is wrong, I am just a bit tired, that's all", he/she responds. Commonly what happens next is that we pull back, but our mind reading begins.  Did I do something wrong? Is he/she angry with me? Why is he so tired? Is he tired of me?" etc.etc.

Ofcourse, if you are a very positive person you may assume that whatever is on your partners mind, is something positive, and when he/she is ready to talk about it, he/she will.

Whether our mind reading is of the negative or positive kind, it is still mind reading founded on assumptions.

(Alice Boyes, a writer for Psychology Today, calls it "cognitive distortion", distortion because our thinking is biased and may lead us draw faulty conclusions.)

"I can't say that, dress like that, do that, speak my mind, show my true feelings, etc.etc. people may think that I am.........xxx......." Sound familiar? Most of us desire social acceptance, perhaps more to the point; we like to be liked by our peers, family members, friends, etc.

Example: Having a coffee with your friend, he/she keeps texting while you are trying to tell him/her about your "bad" day. You may think: "What sort of a friend would keep texting when I am pouring my heart out?" assuming that your friend is not as interested in your bad day as much as he/she is in the person on the phone. When your friend eventually tells you that his/her mother has been taken ill and rushed to hospital and that his/her sister was texting the progress, you realise that perhaps it would have been better if you would have just asked: "has something happened?"

Statements we make starting with: "I know you usually........, I can tell that you........, I know that look, it means that........., I know what you're thinking........, I know what you're feeling........, etc." in my view, commonly involves mindreading.

Although we may assume that we know what someone else is thinking, feeling, experiencing, we may be off the mark. The only way to be sure, is to ask: "What are you thinking, feeling, experiencing?"

"You look sad, are you? What are you thinking? You seem angry, are you? You are so quiet, is there something bothering you?" and so on.

Mindreading, is something we all do. Viewed from a positive perspective, when we engage in mind reading, we are accessing our memories, observations, experiences, and powers of reason.

Accessing that information helps us to create a "map" of others behaviours and emotions, which can help us decipher visual, physical, and auditory clues. ( Some suggest that mindreading is an important element of social intelligence.)   Bearing in mind however, that thoughts and feelings are rarely transparent for most of us. Sometimes we may not be at all clear about what we are feeling or thinking which may result in us sending out "mixed" messages.

(Your friend got the job you wanted, you are happy he/she did, but sad that you missed out.....)

When my son was a teenager, he often used to get angry with me when I said things like: "I know it hurts, but it will get better, I know that you are feeling like nobody understands you," etc...

He would look at me and say: "You don't know what I am feeling, you think you do, but you don't. You are not me."

He was right ofcourse, I knew how I had felt in similar circumstances when I was his age, but that did not mean that I knew how he was feeling. I had to change my approach and instead of telling him that I knew how he was feeling, I asked him.

This applies to many situations when people we love go through difficulties. We often assume/mindread what others may be feeling/thinking, and with the best of intentions we give advice, based on our own experiences, rather than simply asking them:  "What can I do, what do you need?"

In many relationships, mindreading seems to be a common phenomenon:

"My wife and I don't like spicy food." "But I do like spicy foods, Albert," says the wife, "you don't like spicy foods."  "You do?", says Albert. "Yes, I do Albert, you just assumed that I don't because you don't," answered the wife.  "My son loves fishing, just like me," says the father. "No, I don't," says the son. I go fishing with you because I like being with you, not because I like fishing," says the son. "You're upset, I can tell, because you are quiet," says the girlfriend. "No, I am not upset, I am quiet because I have a headache," says the boyfriend.

Mindreading, when used as a "map" in social settings, can be quite helpful in my view, whereas in relationships, perhaps less so. To find out how a loved one feels or thinks, why not ask them?

Even though this at times perhaps can feel too direct, too confrontational, too scary, at least when we ask we don't have to guess, we will know.

 

"Instead of trying to read someone's mind,

ask them what's on it."

(Citizen Z)

Feeling sad?.....perhaps this will help...

What is so "wrong" with feeling sad sometimes?

"Why are you looking so sad, surely it can't be that bad?" Why that sad look on your face?" "Smile, don't look so sad." etc.

Is sadness something to avoid? To clarify, being depressed and being sad, in my view, are very different issues. Feeling sad is a common experience that most of us experience at times, depression is an illness. (So say those in the know) Sadness is not an illness, just a common human response to experiences in life that are upsetting.

Sadness is often viewed as a "negative" emotion and to be avoided, but, is it really?

With the help of fMRI machines and brain research, scientists have been able to delve deeper into what sadness actually is, and how it affects us. What some research is suggesting is that there are actually some "positive" aspects to feeling sad at times, suggesting that there are some adaptive functions involved in periodical experiences of sadness.

 Research suggests that sadness can help us to observe details more clearly, become less judgemental, become more compassionate, and to become more resilient. The suggested explanation for this is that a "positive" mood signals "all is well", whereas a "negative" mood signals for us to stay alert and vigilant. In short, when we feel "up" we pay less attention, when we feel "down", we stay attentive.

Professor Forgas, suggests that all moods; positive and negative; have a purpose, although culturally the emphasis predominately weighs in on the side of the positive. Which, in my view is not terribly helpful because it can be easy to come to the conclusion that feeling sad is unnecessary and a sign of emotional vulnerability. When asked the question "what do you most want in life?" many of us commonly answer "to be happy", but does being happy mean that there are never any moments when we may be experiencing feelings of sadness? A person can be a "happy" person, but while watching a "sad" movie experience a fleeting moment of sadness, a person can be a happy person, but while listening to a sad piece of music, temporarily feel sad, and so on. Human beings come with a large range of emotions, and according to psychologist Lyn Everingham: "It is important to recognise that it's completely natural to have both high and low moods. Life throws different things at us. It wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel sad or upset after you have had a bad day or something hasn't worked out the way you wanted."

Feeling sad in response to experiences that we find difficult (in my view), is not a sign of failure to cope, rather, it can help us to process and work through our experiences .....as they say: joy is a friend, but sadness a teacher.

(Prolonged sadness, sadness that affects most aspects of your life, and interferes with your ability to go about your every-day activities however, is depression, and may require you to seek assistance from a health professional.)

 

Acknowledging when or if, we are feeling sad, we have the chance to prevent our feelings from potentially transforming into anger, bitterness, hopelessness and or helplessness. Suppressing our feelings of sadness and putting on a "happy face" because we feel/think friends, family, society, etc. expects us to, can change our feelings of sadness into anger and resentment.

Sadness is something very personal and inward directed, anger on the other hand, often ends up affecting those around us.

Having lunch with my family in a coffee shop, heart pounding and feeling quite nauseous, I decided to tell my folks the truth; I was feeling very sad. Since a kid, my choice of expression for my sadness was through music, not words, but it suddenly dawned on me that every time I felt sad, I also felt angry. So, I decided to make a change and talk about it. After I had told them that I felt very sad, there was silence and my folks looked very bewildered. Quietly, my mother asked me why I felt sad.

Hesitantly, I told my mother and father about my battles with sadness, but as I did, I could feel the anger lifting.

Sadness, just like happiness, in my view, are transitory states, they come and they go, and they each bring gifts. Experiencing sadness can help us to expand our sense of compassion, empathy, and understanding of the human condition. Experiencing happiness can help us to feel calm, generous, peaceful, and content.

If you feel sad, share your sadness with someone, if you feel happy, share your happiness with someone.

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”    

(Jonathan Safran Foer)

 

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” (Martin Luther KIng Jr.)

Father, my Father....

 

Father, my Father, can you hear the battle drums?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voices raised in supplication?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of love pleading for your intervention?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of reason beseeching you to speak?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of hope fading and needing your strength?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of compassion reaching out to you for support?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of peace imploring you to heed its call?

Father, my Father, can you hear the voice of harmony petitioning for you to intercede?

 

 Father, my Father, the battle drums are becoming louder,

the storm clouds in the sky are growing ever larger,

fears and tears, rise up, threatens our hearts to devour.

Father, my Father, please hear us as we pray

For Love to find the way.

 

(Although I am using the word "Father" in this poem, feel free to exchange it for another word you may feel is more applicable for you.......  The idea for the poem is inspired by a poem by Goethe called Der Erlkonig in which a son asks his father: "My father, my father, do you not hear what the Erlking promises me?"  Who exactly, the Erlking is, ..... is open to interpretation.  Alternatively, perhaps this poem could go something like this:

"People, people, can you hear the voices of love, reason, hope, compassion, peace, and harmony, reaching out for us to hear them? People, people, let us try to let Love show us the way.")

 

Love hopes.....in spite of.....

Change perspective, and the world changes......

 

As long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by kaleidoscopes.

A kaleidoscope, is a cylinder, containing a few mirrors and loose, coloured bits of beads, glass, pebbles, etc.  and when held up towards the light while looking through a peephole, using a simple twisting motion, can display an endless amount of new and exciting images. (By chance I came across a kaleidoscope that was only 3 cm's long, yet, through the very tiny(!) peephole amazing images were displayed)

One night, it dawned on me that perhaps a kaleidoscope could be used as a metaphor.

(metaphor = "a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance" Dictionary.com)

Change perspective (=a twist on the kaleidoscope) and a new image appears. Same "bits", just configured differently.

For many of us, changing perspective can be challenging. Changing perspective can perhaps be likened to "changing the window through which you view the world."

Before attempting to change perspectives, it may be helpful to consider the sources of your perspectives. What, or who, or both, influence your perspective? Your family, media, your work place, friends, etc.? Does the thought of changing and or broadening your perspectives make you feel insecure, unsettled, challenged, or does it make you feel stimulated?

Change, for many of us, can be scary, unsettling and very challenging, and broadening our perspectives, for many of us can be experienced as inviting more uncertainty.

Uncertainty, considered by many as the "bane of humanity" can also be viewed: "Let go of certainty. The opposite isn't uncertainty. It's openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow." (Tony Schwartz)

One way that can assist us in broadening our perspectives, is to ask different questions to those we may usually ask: instead of "why me?", ask "why not me?", instead of "there's only one way to see it" ask "are there other ways to see this?", instead of "It's black or it's white" ask "how many different kinds of grey are there?", instead of "it's either wrong or it's right", ask "is it possible that it's neither wrong nor right, rather, that it depends on the perspective taken?"

One person looks at the moon and sees wonder, another sees the natural satellite of earth, one person looks at Vincent Van Gogh's "Starry Night" and sees indescribable beauty, another sees pigments on a canvas, one person looks at a baby and sees innocence and joy, another sees sleepless nights and mountains of diapers, one person looks at bird in flight and sees elegance, another sees bird poop on the new car that destroys the lacquer, one person looks at a gateaux and sees a delicious cake, another sees calories and weight gain, and so on..    Neither view is incorrect.....just a matter of perspective.

Sometimes entertaining a different perspective of a situation can change a problem into an opportunity, an enemy into a potential friend, a difficult experience into a learning experience, a hard learned lesson into a broadening understanding of compassion, and so on.

"The only thing you sometimes have control over, is perspective. You don't have control over your situation, but you have a choice of how you view it." (Chris Pine)

Change your perspective, and the world changes.

"Everything we hear, is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." (Marcus Aurelius)

 

A kaleidoscope uses the same "bits", but each twist, produces a completely new, and fresh vision.

If you have never used a kaleidoscope, let me encourage you to find one and have a look.

(Most toy stores sell them for a few coins)

The benefits of expressing yourself.......

 

"Express yourself" sang Madonna and rapped N.W.A.

Commonly, "to express ourselves", means to share our feelings, thoughts, experiences, views, etc. with others. (This may be done with words, art in any form, etc.)

Some suggest that "expressing ourselves" is something us humans do because we are social beings and we want others to know what we think and feel, just like we want to know what others think and feel. Some also suggest that prehistoric humans discovered that there were advantages in hunting in groups and to do so, they needed to communicate, hence, people needed to express themselves.

For some of us, to express ourselves comes easy, yet, some of us may find expressing ourselves quite difficult, some of us feel that it is important to express ourselves, some of us feel that it is important to express ourselves when we feel we have something important to express.....

Personally, I don't believe that it is helpful to try to determine how much "expressing ourselves" is "normal" or some such, because I don't believe it is possible to establish a "norm" in this case, however, if a person longs to express something that is important to them, but can't seem to do so because of fear of (as an example) rejection, then it may be helpful to find possible ways of overcoming such fear.

Some examples of fears:

You may find it hard to express yourself because it may: cause conflict, you may come across as weak (in your view), you may have self-doubt (what if I am wrong?), you don't believe it would make a difference, you don't know if you are emotionally strong enough to deal with a discussion, you're worried that what you say may come out wrong, etc.

If you want to be able to express yourself more, as in; sharing your thoughts/feelings/opinions;

perhaps a good starting point may be to try to pinpoint the reasons for why you find it difficult? (It may be helpful to spend a few minutes thinking about it and jotting down some ideas)

A good thing to remember when expressing yourself is that the manner in which you speak, is just as  important as the words you use. "You're dead wrong, that's not how it is!" in my view is like a battle cry....expect turbulence...."I hear what you are saying, but I disagree with you, and the reason I am disagreeing is........." usually keep the lines open. "You know I am sensitive about.......so why do you have to bring it up?!!" exchange with "This subject is sensitive to me, can we change subject, please?"

If you want to, or feel you need to, express your thoughts on a relationship (any kind) issue, but you fear that a conflict may arise, it may be helpful to choose the time and place carefully (as in, when the other person is relaxed), as well as how to express your views in a calm and clear manner.

Regardless of how we express ourselves, whether through words, music, art, dance, etc., others will respond to it from their point of understanding, and this may mean a discussion, heated words, conflict, and so on. If we express our thoughts, views, and or our feelings, etc., people may disagree, but in my view, that does not mean that they are not valid for you,

just as you may disagree with others does not mean that their views, feelings, thoughts, are not valid for them.

By expressing ourselves, others get a chance of gaining an understanding/insight, to who we are and what is important to us...just as we gain insight and understanding into what is important to others when they express themselves. 

 "Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways." (Sigmund Freud)

(Commonly, we use words to express ourselves, but there are other ways: painting, sculpting, photography, music, dancing, etc.etc. and for some of us, these may be preferable options.)

 

   "A picture paints a thousand words."

 

"Art invites us to become explorers and excavators of our vast internal landscapes, discovering new terrain and digging deep into the past to unearth forgotten experiences and emotion." (Jaeda DeWalt)

 

 “Dance is the hidden language of the soul.” (Martha Graham)

"Be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else's idea of yourself should be."

 (Henry David Thoreau)

"If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all."

(Noam Chomsky)

 

Good thoughts are powerful........

 

For some of us, prayer is wasting time with something which has no supporting scientific evidence, and for others, it's a way for us to connect on a deeper level with something bigger and meaningful beyond ourselves. Religion, is commonly associated with prayer, but as far as I can ascertain; prayer need not necessarily involve some form of deity, although, usually it does.

Prayer, in my view, contains two aspects: the internal aspect: self reflection and self awareness,

the external aspect: our sense of connection with something bigger than the self.

Some of us may perhaps view prayer as wishful thinking; "Please, let me win lotto,.... Please, bring my kid home safely,....Please, help the doctors to find out what's wrong with my partner", etc. I read somewhere: "When the ship is sinking, or our child is missing, or we suddenly find a strange lump on our body,... most of us, religious or not, start praying." Wishful thinking, though often viewed as somewhat pointless, still has merit I believe, because it contains hope.

Some research suggest that there are a number of beneficial aspects to prayer, such as:

it offers a sense of optimism and hope, it can assist us in focusing our attention on positive outcomes,

it can help us stay calm and hopeful in the midst of a trying situation.

I used to watch "N.Y.P.D Blue" and in the show a phrase kept popping up: "I'll be thinking good thoughts for you." The main characters in the show would use this phrase if someone was experiencing a loss, a difficult situation, injury, some kind of mental anguish, pain, suffering, etc.

This had me intrigued....was this phrase used as an alternative to: "I'll be praying for you?"

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed as if both terms essentially meant hope for something positive and good to eventuate. "I'll be thinking good thoughts for you", as in, "I will be focusing my thoughts on optimism, hope, and strength, for you to overcome this difficult time in your life".

The difference between the two phrases, I concluded was that "I'll be thinking good thoughts for you" involved the individual saying those words offering their hope and optimism as a support, whereas "I'll be praying for you" involves the individual saying those words offering their faith in something outside of themselves intervening and assisting in supporting the person in pain.("I am the go-between, and I will bring your situation to him/her/that/it , and him/her/that/it, will assist and support you.")

The person offering their personal thoughts of optimism and support, or the person offering optimism and support with the assistance of something outside of themselves, are both hoping for something positive and helpful to be the result.

As far as media is concerned, earth is in a mess it seems. The ratio of "good news" verses "bad news" that is bombarding our retinas and ear drums non-stop, seems to me to be very much on the side of the "bad".  Stories of wars, famines, conflicts, starvation, desolation, people running for their lives from their homes to protect their families, boats full of people sinking, the planet groaning from the effects of a careless mankind, etc.etc. are constantly emblazoned across the screens.

So what can you and I do about it?

Pray? Think good thoughts?

According to some research; negative emotions and thoughts, limits our ability to see options, positive emotions and thoughts, does the opposite. (Barbara Fredrickson)

If our emotions and thoughts are predominantly focused on "bad" news/situations/emotions, it can be easy to get stuck in feeling powerless and helpless to affect any change for the better/positive.

If, on the other hand, even in the face of the onslaught of all the bad "stuff", we seek out that which is life affirming, hopeful, positive, good, and give it some of our attention, we may be able to find some hope and in doing so, generate some positive emotions and thoughts.

And that's the good thing with thinking good thoughts, and prayer in my view.

Both are directed towards something happening/changing for the better. (better: more positive, a life affirming outcome) Even if a person does not believe in praying to a deity or something of the kind, a person can still think good thoughts and share them with others and in doing so, spread some positivity that generates more hope. And for a person who believes in prayer, thinking and sharing good thoughts not based on the faith in some form of deity/similar, can also spread some positivity that generates more hope. Optimism, positivity, and hope, may I suggest, is available to us all, with or without any belief system that includes a deity of some sort.

Good thoughts, are like little rays of light; no darkness is dark enough to withstand them no matter how small they are.

"Optimism is the most important human trait, because it allows us to evolve our ideas, to improve our situation, and to hope for a better tomorrow." (Seth Godin)

 

Christopher Hitchens, a self professed atheist, quoted this from the Bible at his fathers funeral: "whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

For you, reading this right now, I am sending many good thoughts.

Someone seeking attention may just be seeking their authentic selves.........

"So, why do feel that you want attention?" I asked.

"I don't know, but I like how I feel when somebody pays me attention", she continued.

"What kind of attention is it that you seek?" I asked.

"What do you mean with "what kind of attention"? she responded.

"The kind of attention you want, is it the kind that you deem as a form of approval, or validation, or  perhaps the kind of attention that confirms that you are truly "seen"?

"I guess I haven't thought that deeply about it, all I know is that I like it when someone pays attention to me", she answered.

This conversation puzzled me. What was behind wanting attention? Commonly it seems to me that seeking attention is frowned upon: "she is only doing that to get some attention, he is saying that just to get some attention, that kid is just wanting some attention, he/she only dress/behave that way to get some attention, etc."

Is wanting attention usually something "bad", or shameful? Is it possible for "wanting attention" to be something "good"?

My cat, Lovecraft, has her own way of getting my attention when she feels that she is being ignored or not payed the attention she desires. She starts to push things off shelves, jump on top of one of the  speakers, and at times even finds her way to this keyboard while I am writing. My interpretation of this behaviour is that: she wants food, she wants to go out, she wants.....well, what does she really want? Sometimes, neither food nor being let out seems to be what she wants, and since I don't speak "cat", I usually just play with her for a little while, and this often tends to placate her need for attention.

I have often heard it said: "oh, ignore her, she's such a drama queen, always wanting attention", or "ignore him, he is only behaving like a lunatic to get people's attention", or "ignore them, they are just protesting (or something similar) to get some attention".

Okay, so what is so "good" about getting others attention? What's the pay-off?

Perhaps the pay-off is validation of some sort, but, why? what is the driving force behind those people seeking attention to the extent that it affects and influence their behaviour? (In our opinion excessively so)

Most human beings are social beings with needs for social interactions, we desire feedback and validation for what we do and who we are. The attention we get from our activities whether at home, at work, or at school, etc. is often satisfying enough for us, although occasionally we may engage in activities that may bring us more attention, but attention in such situations are not usually our goal, rather a "side effect"...i.e.. the "reluctant hero" only doing his/her job.

Commonly, validation is one way that we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others; one may say that it is a recognition and understanding of our own and others feelings, thoughts, behaviours, achievements, etc. without un-necessary judgement attached. (Ex: I view it differently, but I still validate your feelings on the subject)

If someone is engaging in a behaviour which we may deem "attention seeking" for the sake of it, how do we know for sure that there is not an underlying "valid" reason for that person to be doing so?

How much attention is acceptable, and who gets to decide that?

(Some of us play our cards close to the chest, some of us show our hands willingly and deliberately, and some of us do both, but perhaps not at the same time.)

Perhaps, driving a "drama queen" is not so much the desire for attention, as the desire for validation of his/her ....feelings?

Perhaps, the teenager engaging in risky behaviour is not doing so just for attention, rather, to draw the parent's attention to his/her needs for validation?

I am of the view, that if someone is seeking attention, there is usually a reason (whether conscious or not) for someone doing so. Perhaps they are doing so due to a lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, feelings of insecurity, and are seeking validation in order to boost their levels of self-worth.

Perhaps someone is seeking positive attention by doing things which they hope may elicit praise, admiration and or positive regards from others, which in turn may evoke a sense of validation?

When someone is doing something that demands our attention, it brings our attention to the "now", the present, to them, and draws our attention away from us. When Lovecraft, my cat, push things of shelves, or walk on my keyboard, I am forced to notice her needs and to take some form of action, then and there. If I happen to be very involved in what I am doing, then her wanting my attention feels like an intrusion, an interruption into my "headspace" often with the result of me feeling irritated. Being that she is a cat, reasoning with her is futile, so it is far more expedient for me to try to figure out what she needs and attend to those needs. Once her needs have been met, my time, becomes my time, once again. Perhaps this may work with humans as well? If someone is doing their utmost to get our attention, perhaps finding out what he/she needs may be more constructive and helpful then dismissing him/her as an "attention-seeker"?

Someone seeking attention may just be seeking their authentic selves.

 

 “Just like children, emotions heal when they are heard and validated.”

(Jill Bolte Taylor)

 

(About the painting: the "self" is unzipping, wanting to come out from behind the cover)

"The mind is a flexible mirror"......adjust the mirror, see a different world.

 

Raise your gaze higher

 

Every now then, raise your gaze,

from the little things that bug you,

those thoughtless words that stub you.

Look up, look forward, look into,

what possibilities awaits a fresh new view.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

and follow the flight of a common starling or a busy blue-jay,

with eyes like a child, let your imagination run wild,

and watch as horses, and unicorns gallop across the unfolding sky.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

and look deeply into someone's eyes;

no matter how clever and profound a disguise may be;

in the eyes, hides our deepest verite.

A split second connection, a wordless expression,

more precious than all that glitters then fades,

ours for the taking, ours for the making,

when we care to lift our gaze.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

and count the stars that come out each night;

to sparkle, to shine, to dance, to take flight.

Gaze upon the moon, a quiet sphere of light;

shimmering, glimmering, a glorious sight.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

from the everyday and ordinary,

the common place and elementary,

the safe and the sedentary,

and gaze with eyes, the eyes of a visionary.

 

Every now and then, raise your gaze,

because no matter where you are, near or far,

big or small, short or tall, rich or poor,

we can all raise our gaze if we truly want.

(Citizen Z)

 

“Mind is a flexible mirror, adjust it, to see a better world.”

(Amit Ray)

 

 

Ignorance is bliss.....Really?

"Look at that stupid child, picking up food off the street and eating it!"

"Look at that stupid dog, licking his butt!"

"Who is stupid enough to go out in the rain without an umbrella?"

"Look at that punk...what a stupid haircut!"

Stupid? The kid eating a discarded, stale, piece of bread is not doing so because she is stupid, rather, because she is starving.

The dog doesn't lick his butt because he is stupid, rather, he is doing so because it's a common doggy behaviour.

Being caught in an unexpected downpour, can happen to anyone regardless of IQ.

Hairstyle, is that not a matter of preference rather than intelligence? Can a haircut really be "stupid"?

As far as words go, I think that the word "stupid" is often over used and misused.

When we say that someone (or something) is "stupid", what do we really mean? Do we mean unintelligent, a bad decision maker, lacking in rational thinking skills, no common sense, etc.etc. ?

How about ignorant? Is being ignorant the same as being stupid? Again, it depends on how we define the terms, you may say. Here is a suggestion: "Ignorance is not knowing, stupidity the inability to know, to comprehend. Another definition may be: ignorance is lacking information, stupidity; not being able to make sense of the information."

Being considered "smart" is commonly viewed as an asset, whereas being "stupid", is not. However, is it not possible for smart people to do "stupid" things, and for stupid people to do "smart" things?

Besides, as far as IQ (smarts) goes, nowadays most would agree that there appears to be many kinds of intelligences. (Emotional, social, spatial, kinesthetic, etc.)

Personally, I prefer not to use the word stupid, because a persons ability to be able to comprehend and make sense of information and or experiences, for me, is a matter of genetics rather than a choice.

Ignorance, on the other hand, can perhaps at times be viewed as a choice. A lack of information can easily be remedied by acquiring more information for someone who is able to grasp and make sense out of it.

When I first came to Australia, I seemed to continuously be able to amuse my newfound friends by

my use of the English language. Walking on the beach on the waters edge, I told my friends that I needed to go home and change my pants because: "I wet my pants". I was told to stop swearing when exclaiming while defrosting the fridge: "Look at all the bloody ice!" (Some meat had defrosted leaving a "bloody" mess.) In the beginning I didn't mind being a source of amusement, but quietly, I set about extending my vocabulary and increasing my understanding of the English language.

(I have often heard people say about people from non-English-speaking countries struggling to express themselves in English: "Sheesh, how stupid are they, they don't even speak English."

Stupid? According to stats, there are more people on this planet who do not use English as their native tongue than there are those who do.)

Ignorance, some say is "bliss". This is what the urban dictionary has to say: "It is a term used to falsely justify apathy on the given subject in the form of a catchy cliché."

Commonly, "Ignorance is bliss", seems to mean that sometimes we may prefer to not know all the facts/information. Facing a big medical operation, not knowing all the things that could potentially go wrong, may be preferable. Going for a walk in an Australian rain forest, not knowing about all the deadly creepy-crawlers may be preferable. (Personal experience!) However, choosing to ignore certain bits of information because one prefers to, can be risky, and can give rise to a lopsided sense of understanding. "Anybody who wants to work, can find a job if they try hard enough.  - Don't bother me with the un-employment figures, or the availability of job opportunities. This is my view and I'm sticking with it."  "He/she should just get over his/her depression, everyone feels a bit down now and then.  - "Don't bother me with telling me that depression is deemed a medical issue, and not something anyone can just snap out of. This is my view, and I am sticking with it." 

"All these refugees, they should just go back to where they came from.  - "Don't bother me by telling me about all their hardships and terrible experiences, they should just tough it out. This is my view, and I am sticking with it." 

Sometimes, ignorance is not a choice; it's just... not knowing. Sometimes the unexpected happens, we find ourselves on a road less travelled, we encounter situations and people that are foreign to us, and discover that we have no previous knowledge or understanding to lean on. Such moments offer us an opportunity for extending our foundation of knowledge, understanding and wisdom. This, in my view, is a choice. We can choose to remain ignorant or to learn.

Stupidity* cannot be cured, ignorance can.

 

(*stupidity defined as an inability to make sense of information)

 

 

"More and more people are beginning to feel that there must be another way of thinking, perceiving, and acting. And perhaps the beginning of another way of looking at the world is to re-evaluate all of our beliefs. It is, after all, our beliefs that determine what we are, experience, and expect. When we are willing to take a new look at our own beliefs, we then have an opportunity to begin rediscovering who and what we are and to redetermine our true purpose on Earth."

(Jampolsky & Cirincione)