"What, are you a mind reader now?" he asked.
She remained quiet for a few seconds, then answered: "No, I am not a mind reader, but since you won't tell me what you are feeling and thinking, I have to be."
"Guessing" what other people are thinking, is what psychologists call mindreading.
There is another word for guessing that I prefer: assuming.
Assuming, basically is when we formulate an idea/notion of what someone else is thinking/feeling, without having any evidence to support that idea. Mind reading, in my view, is based on assumptions.
Your partner returns from work/studies/being out, and is unusually quiet. "What's wrong?" you ask. "Nothing", he/she answers. "But you seem so quiet", you continue. "Nothing is wrong, I am just a bit tired, that's all", he/she responds. Commonly what happens next is that we pull back, but our mind reading begins. Did I do something wrong? Is he/she angry with me? Why is he so tired? Is he tired of me?" etc.etc.
Ofcourse, if you are a very positive person you may assume that whatever is on your partners mind, is something positive, and when he/she is ready to talk about it, he/she will.
Whether our mind reading is of the negative or positive kind, it is still mind reading founded on assumptions.
(Alice Boyes, a writer for Psychology Today, calls it "cognitive distortion", distortion because our thinking is biased and may lead us draw faulty conclusions.)
"I can't say that, dress like that, do that, speak my mind, show my true feelings, etc.etc. people may think that I am.........xxx......." Sound familiar? Most of us desire social acceptance, perhaps more to the point; we like to be liked by our peers, family members, friends, etc.
Example: Having a coffee with your friend, he/she keeps texting while you are trying to tell him/her about your "bad" day. You may think: "What sort of a friend would keep texting when I am pouring my heart out?" assuming that your friend is not as interested in your bad day as much as he/she is in the person on the phone. When your friend eventually tells you that his/her mother has been taken ill and rushed to hospital and that his/her sister was texting the progress, you realise that perhaps it would have been better if you would have just asked: "has something happened?"
Statements we make starting with: "I know you usually........, I can tell that you........, I know that look, it means that........., I know what you're thinking........, I know what you're feeling........, etc." in my view, commonly involves mindreading.
Although we may assume that we know what someone else is thinking, feeling, experiencing, we may be off the mark. The only way to be sure, is to ask: "What are you thinking, feeling, experiencing?"
"You look sad, are you? What are you thinking? You seem angry, are you? You are so quiet, is there something bothering you?" and so on.
Mindreading, is something we all do. Viewed from a positive perspective, when we engage in mind reading, we are accessing our memories, observations, experiences, and powers of reason.
Accessing that information helps us to create a "map" of others behaviours and emotions, which can help us decipher visual, physical, and auditory clues. ( Some suggest that mindreading is an important element of social intelligence.) Bearing in mind however, that thoughts and feelings are rarely transparent for most of us. Sometimes we may not be at all clear about what we are feeling or thinking which may result in us sending out "mixed" messages.
(Your friend got the job you wanted, you are happy he/she did, but sad that you missed out.....)
When my son was a teenager, he often used to get angry with me when I said things like: "I know it hurts, but it will get better, I know that you are feeling like nobody understands you," etc...
He would look at me and say: "You don't know what I am feeling, you think you do, but you don't. You are not me."
He was right ofcourse, I knew how I had felt in similar circumstances when I was his age, but that did not mean that I knew how he was feeling. I had to change my approach and instead of telling him that I knew how he was feeling, I asked him.
This applies to many situations when people we love go through difficulties. We often assume/mindread what others may be feeling/thinking, and with the best of intentions we give advice, based on our own experiences, rather than simply asking them: "What can I do, what do you need?"
In many relationships, mindreading seems to be a common phenomenon:
"My wife and I don't like spicy food." "But I do like spicy foods, Albert," says the wife, "you don't like spicy foods." "You do?", says Albert. "Yes, I do Albert, you just assumed that I don't because you don't," answered the wife. "My son loves fishing, just like me," says the father. "No, I don't," says the son. I go fishing with you because I like being with you, not because I like fishing," says the son. "You're upset, I can tell, because you are quiet," says the girlfriend. "No, I am not upset, I am quiet because I have a headache," says the boyfriend.
Mindreading, when used as a "map" in social settings, can be quite helpful in my view, whereas in relationships, perhaps less so. To find out how a loved one feels or thinks, why not ask them?
Even though this at times perhaps can feel too direct, too confrontational, too scary, at least when we ask we don't have to guess, we will know.
"Instead of trying to read someone's mind,
ask them what's on it."
(Citizen Z)
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