Finding inner strength.....

 

Do you consider yourself as a "strong" person? "Well, that depends on how you define "strong", you may answer.

In English, there is a saying: "Stiff upper lip and all that".... And what that means as far as I gather is: The person having a stiff upper lip is exercising great restraint and control of his/her emotions no matter what. The task will be executed.

Is that what is commonly meant with being strong? Hmmmm.......

There are different aspects to being strong: physically, emotionally, psychologically, and probably many more, but the kind of strength I am going to write about, is of the emotional kind.

It can perhaps be defined as: a person's internal coping capabilities, as in understanding when and how to utilise those inner capabilities.

Perhaps I can begin with some common sayings about what strong people are like:

strong people are born strong, they are bossy, they don't ask for help, they don't show their emotions, they have never had to experience "real" suffering and or pain, they don't let any emotions get in the way of reaching their goals, and so on... perhaps you know more sayings?

Those sayings seem to fit well with "stiff upper lip and all that", but are they conducive to emotional well being? Commonly emotionally strong people are described as quiet, stoic, (Merriam-Webster: a member of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium about 300 b.c. holding that the wise man should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submissive to natural law.) and outwardly unaffected by emotions. Failure to fit that description of emotional strength, is often viewed as a sign of a person having difficulties in coping and being emotionally "weak". Commonly referred to as "wearing one's heart on the sleeve".

What if emotional strength is not about how we respond immediately to an event, but rather, what we do after? A person may initially put on a stiff upper lip in the face of difficulties, and then go home and decide that it's all too hard and decide to quit. A person may initially show signs of emotional distress in the face of a difficult situation, and then go home and decide to try another tack. A person showing emotions in a difficult situation, does not necessarily indicate a sign of weakness, rather, in my view, those emotions may indicate the beginning of emotional processing.

Having said that, there are times when it may be more helpful to postpone the processing of one's emotions for a later date.

When my father was taken ill recently, the emotions in the family were highly charged. We were all worried, but when visiting dad in hospital, we kept our emotions in check. That is not to say that we did not have them, just that for dad's sake, we put them on "ice" so that we could be positive and encouraging, and in doing so, hopefully assisting in his recovery. Among ourselves, we did talk about what we were experiencing, and the concerns we had.

Postponing charged emotions in my view, is not the same as suppressing one's emotions. When we suppress, we don't acknowledge our emotions, we just push them deep into our subconscious with no intention of processing or dealing with them. Doing so may lead to those emotions popping up at the oddest of times and heavily disguised: instead of sadness, we feel anger, instead of anger, we feel sadness, etc. Postponing our emotions (if possible at the time), we acknowledge them, but we put them to the side to be dealt with at a later date and in a safe and appropriate environment.

In many professions, (soldiers, cops, doctors, nurses, etc.) people by necessity have to postpone their emotions and just "get on with the job", but nowadays there is something called "debriefing" which is basically a meeting in which the participants get a chance to talk about their experiences with others. When I worked with an organisation that assisted the homeless, we always had a debriefing session after we returned back to the office, which for me was very valuable and assisted in helping me to grow my "emotional muscles". (Some, who had more experience than others, spoke less than us "newbies", but we all spoke.)

So, what are some benefits from increasing (growing) one's emotional strength?

Here are some of my suggestions (you may well have others):

It helps us to develop resilience,  it assists us in acknowledging our true feelings,  being in tune with our own emotions, we can become more sensitive and compassionate to other's emotions,  being able to discern when we may have to postpone our emotions we may be able to handle difficult situations in a more conducive and helpful way, (both for ourselves and others),  allowing ourselves to feel what we feel without reprimanding ourselves as "weak", we learn to process our emotions without un-necessary guilt (self-imposed or not)... just to mention a few.

If you find yourself chastising yourself when you show emotions (except for anger which comes real easy to you and feels right), and the words telling you to "suck it up" is on repeat, perhaps it may be a good idea to try to remember when you first heard those words..... and who said them.

 

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength." (Ralph Sockman)

 

"Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength." (Henry Ward Beecher)