Someone seeking attention may just be seeking their authentic selves.........

"So, why do feel that you want attention?" I asked.

"I don't know, but I like how I feel when somebody pays me attention", she continued.

"What kind of attention is it that you seek?" I asked.

"What do you mean with "what kind of attention"? she responded.

"The kind of attention you want, is it the kind that you deem as a form of approval, or validation, or  perhaps the kind of attention that confirms that you are truly "seen"?

"I guess I haven't thought that deeply about it, all I know is that I like it when someone pays attention to me", she answered.

This conversation puzzled me. What was behind wanting attention? Commonly it seems to me that seeking attention is frowned upon: "she is only doing that to get some attention, he is saying that just to get some attention, that kid is just wanting some attention, he/she only dress/behave that way to get some attention, etc."

Is wanting attention usually something "bad", or shameful? Is it possible for "wanting attention" to be something "good"?

My cat, Lovecraft, has her own way of getting my attention when she feels that she is being ignored or not payed the attention she desires. She starts to push things off shelves, jump on top of one of the  speakers, and at times even finds her way to this keyboard while I am writing. My interpretation of this behaviour is that: she wants food, she wants to go out, she wants.....well, what does she really want? Sometimes, neither food nor being let out seems to be what she wants, and since I don't speak "cat", I usually just play with her for a little while, and this often tends to placate her need for attention.

I have often heard it said: "oh, ignore her, she's such a drama queen, always wanting attention", or "ignore him, he is only behaving like a lunatic to get people's attention", or "ignore them, they are just protesting (or something similar) to get some attention".

Okay, so what is so "good" about getting others attention? What's the pay-off?

Perhaps the pay-off is validation of some sort, but, why? what is the driving force behind those people seeking attention to the extent that it affects and influence their behaviour? (In our opinion excessively so)

Most human beings are social beings with needs for social interactions, we desire feedback and validation for what we do and who we are. The attention we get from our activities whether at home, at work, or at school, etc. is often satisfying enough for us, although occasionally we may engage in activities that may bring us more attention, but attention in such situations are not usually our goal, rather a "side effect"...i.e.. the "reluctant hero" only doing his/her job.

Commonly, validation is one way that we communicate acceptance of ourselves and others; one may say that it is a recognition and understanding of our own and others feelings, thoughts, behaviours, achievements, etc. without un-necessary judgement attached. (Ex: I view it differently, but I still validate your feelings on the subject)

If someone is engaging in a behaviour which we may deem "attention seeking" for the sake of it, how do we know for sure that there is not an underlying "valid" reason for that person to be doing so?

How much attention is acceptable, and who gets to decide that?

(Some of us play our cards close to the chest, some of us show our hands willingly and deliberately, and some of us do both, but perhaps not at the same time.)

Perhaps, driving a "drama queen" is not so much the desire for attention, as the desire for validation of his/her ....feelings?

Perhaps, the teenager engaging in risky behaviour is not doing so just for attention, rather, to draw the parent's attention to his/her needs for validation?

I am of the view, that if someone is seeking attention, there is usually a reason (whether conscious or not) for someone doing so. Perhaps they are doing so due to a lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, feelings of insecurity, and are seeking validation in order to boost their levels of self-worth.

Perhaps someone is seeking positive attention by doing things which they hope may elicit praise, admiration and or positive regards from others, which in turn may evoke a sense of validation?

When someone is doing something that demands our attention, it brings our attention to the "now", the present, to them, and draws our attention away from us. When Lovecraft, my cat, push things of shelves, or walk on my keyboard, I am forced to notice her needs and to take some form of action, then and there. If I happen to be very involved in what I am doing, then her wanting my attention feels like an intrusion, an interruption into my "headspace" often with the result of me feeling irritated. Being that she is a cat, reasoning with her is futile, so it is far more expedient for me to try to figure out what she needs and attend to those needs. Once her needs have been met, my time, becomes my time, once again. Perhaps this may work with humans as well? If someone is doing their utmost to get our attention, perhaps finding out what he/she needs may be more constructive and helpful then dismissing him/her as an "attention-seeker"?

Someone seeking attention may just be seeking their authentic selves.

 

 “Just like children, emotions heal when they are heard and validated.”

(Jill Bolte Taylor)

 

(About the painting: the "self" is unzipping, wanting to come out from behind the cover)