When I first met Darren, he was still in high school. He was an amazing person; he had very clear goals, he worked hard at everything he was involved in, he played tenor sax with passion, and he was even at that young age, very dedicated to being a decent human being.
He was articulate, caring, generous, and a joy to work with. (He played sax in our band for quite some time)
I couldn't help but wonder what made him so strong, so focused, so seemingly unaffected by the "goings on" of his friends. From where did Darren get his determination and will power to make choices that were so life affirming?
According to William Glasser who writes in his book "Choice Theory"; "we choose everything we do, other people can neither make us miserable or happy. All we get from other people, or give to them, is information."
If this is correct, then ultimately we are all responsible for our own emotional responses.
"You make me so angry!" is no longer viable; we chose to respond with anger.
Neither would: "you made me" > sad, frustrated, irritated, upset, etc.. or > happy, secure, satisfied, etc.. be viable.
Whatever our emotional response is; we choose it.
Not to say that we are not influenced by others actions, we are, but, others do not control our responses, we do...(if I understand Choice Theory correctly).
According to Glasser (Choice Theory) there are three underlying beliefs for why we believe in "external control": Number One: there are a number of things we do because we are responding to external signals such as: answering the phone when it rings, stopping at red lights in traffic for instance. Number Two: We can make others do what we want them to do, even if they don't want to; others can do the same to us. Number Three: It is right, our moral obligation even, that we should punish or ridicule those who don't do what we tell them to do; or alternatively reward them when they do what we want them to do.
Commonsense beliefs perhaps for many of us, but do they work?
Perhaps instead of a punitive (forcing, punishing, blaming, compelling) stance we may fare better if we exchanged forcing and coercing for negotiation?
"If you make fun of me infront of your friends again, then I'm never going to go out anywhere with you ever again!" An example of trying to use punishment to force a change of behaviour in the other person; underlying belief may be: "you're making me feel bad about myself, so I want you to change". Another approach: "I feel bad about myself when you bring up certain subjects with your friends, can we come to some agreement on what subjects we will not bring up in the company of your friends?" This approach allows you to own your emotional response and offers the other person a chance to modify their behaviour bringing you closer rather than further apart from each other.
You make me angry > I feel angry when....
You make me upset > I feel upset when.....
You make me sad > I feel sad when...........
(Of course there are instances when a person is abusive and not open for any interaction at all, in such instances negotiation may not be possible and it may be safer to remove oneself from the situation.)
In simple terms: Something happens; we react/respond, but we do have a say in how we will react.
Choosing how we will react/respond, empowers us rather than render us powerless.
Back to Darren. So how did he manage to continuously make choices that were life affirming rather than destructive? When others got drunk, he had one or two drinks, when others got "off their faces", he didn't, when others became loud and obnoxious, he didn't. Not once at a gig that I did with him was he ever drunk, rude, obnoxious or less than his best.
This kid was something special. On the way to a gig one day I asked him how it was that he was so strong. "I know what I want", he answered. "What do you want?" I asked.
"I want to become a jet pilot in the air force", he answered.
Patrick Ness wrote: "We are the choices we make." It seemed to me that Darren had figured that out very early in his life.
So how do we make our choices? A suggestion:
We decide what we want to achieve, then the value in achieving it. We then look at our different options, and pick the one/s we prefer. Strangely, studies suggest that the end of an experience influence us more than the memories of the overall experience; when asked, the study subjects chose a long unpleasant experience with a pleasant ending rather than a short pleasant experience without a "zing" at the end. On the other hand, us humans often have a weakness for the immediate gratification of a pleasant experience, even if it is a "bad" decision.
A person playing the One Armed Poker machine easily "forgets" the losses when the machine finally spits out a win, "hang-overs" are "forgotten" in the face of a fun night, weight-gain "forgotten" when it tastes sooo... good, etc..
Another aspect to our decision-making process is the information we gather to make a choice; what is the "quality" of our information, and is the "source" of our information of a high standard? May I suggest that "bad" information, often lead to "bad" choices?
"If we always do what we always done, we always get what we always got" so said Henry Ford.
If we want a different outcome, seems to me we may have to begin with choosing differently.
Perhaps a good starting point would be to challenge: "We can make others do what we want them to do, even if they don't want to; others can do the same to us" if that is our belief, and exchange it for "I don't want to make others do what they don't want to do, I want to understand why they want to do what they want to do". Likewise; "It is right, our moral obligation even, that we should punish or ridicule those who don't do what we tell them to do; or alternatively reward them when they do what we want them to do", we can perhaps exchange for: "It a right, a moral obligation, that we should NOT punish or ridicule those who don't do what we tell them to do just because we said so, rather we need to seek to understand why they hold the view they do."
I will let William Glasser have the last word: "To achieve and maintain the relationships we need, we must stop choosing to coerce, force, compel, reward, manipulate, boss, motivate, criticise, blame, complain, nag, badger, rank, rate and withdraw. We must replace these destructive behaviours with choosing to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem."
Darren, by the way, although I have not seen him for years, I have been told is a Jet Fighter pilot in the Air force and doing extremely well. Way to go Darren.
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