"As long as you live under my roof, you follow my rules!" says the father to his son.
"Yeah, well, I have my own views", answers the son.
"I am an adult now and I don't agree with you on every thing. I need to know for myself from my own experiences and way of seeing things what I believe is right or wrong, what works or doesn't work. I am sorry if this is a problem for you, but I need to know who I am and what I stand for", the son tells his father.
The father sighs and says: "Well, you better pack your things then", then turns his back on his son and leaves the room. The son shrugs his shoulders, throws some clothing in a backpack. Five minutes later he closes the door to his childhood and steps forward into adulthood.
Have you come across the term "individuation"? Or the separation/individuation-process?
A quick definition: "The act or process of individuating, especially the process by which social individuals become differentiated one from the other." (The Free Dictionary)
So basically, it is about the process of discovering who we are, or want to become. This process; the individuation-process; is unique to us all but with similarities.
We begin a transition from being defined and or defining the "world" from our family's(nurturing environment) perspective, to defining ourselves and the world from our own experiences, feelings, and perspectives. This process keeps going throughout our lives, and we continually keep developing our own "voice", our views, our perceptions. If, as adults, we haven't "separated" ourselves from our primary care givers we may find ourselves facing dependency and or attachment issues in our adult love/friendships.
"The father is the child of the man" wrote William Wordsworth for which there are many interpretations, so now I add mine: "A child becomes as his father is, then a man."
Although most parents face a moment when they have to "let go"; to allow for their offspring to burst out of the cocoon and become their own creatures; for some of us it can be more difficult than others.
Where we stand in our own individuation with our parents (primary caretakers) to a large extent affect our relationships with people that matter to us.
What does being an "adult" mean to us? For some of us the concept of being an adult includes the idea of independence; making up our own minds about what we think, believe, and what is important to us. Individuation perhaps also can be viewed as the process that takes place after "separation" (from parents, friends, lovers) in which you develop your separate self, where you come to define who you are as an individual.
This can for some of us be experienced as fraught with much emotion, confusion, and anxiety.
How does one really know when it is ones own voice and not the echo of someone else's?
As children we are taught by our parents, teachers, and other significant people in our lives, how things "are" and their "voices" guide us, but part of becoming an independent adult means that at some point or another we question whether we still hold those "truths" to be our truth.
Self awareness, the discovery of who you are; warts and all.
"Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognise oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals," so says Wikipedia.
For some of us part of our journey of individuation may be that we want change; change of occupation, change of friends, change of partner, change of living space, change of attitudes, and so on. As we become more self-aware we may find ourselves questioning previously held beliefs and find them wanting or no longer fitting.
What can be tricky with the individuation process is that there are consequences to deal with when becoming a separate individual. Others in our lives often have opinions and feelings about us asserting our separateness/individuality and may find it difficult to accept when we seek change. "You want to be a professional artist? Why? You are making perfectly good money as an accountant." "Move to the country? Why, our families have always lived in towns." "A self-development course? Why? Don't you know who you are?" and so on.
Some of us may have a parent's (or parents) voice in our subconscious critically reminding us of the "right" way to do and behave which may interfere with our ability to trust our own inner voice.
If we desire to understand and know why we believe what we believe it may be helpful to ask how we came to hold those beliefs as true, and do we still hold them to be so?
Developing and learning to trust our own "voice" can be difficult if as children we were not encouraged to do so, but we can begin our individuation process at any age.
Important is that we choose our values and principles which we live by; which may include some that we have adopted from others. Key (as far as I see it) is to know that we have determined for ourselves what those values and principles are and having done so, we take responsibility for our behaviours, our beliefs and our choices. Understanding that we are responsible, paradoxically as it may seem, we will often experience a greater sense of freedom to be ourselves.
Ex: "You have told me that you would like me to carry on the family business, but I want to follow my passion and go to Africa to help the Red Cross Organisation. I understand that this means that I will not be able to see you as often as you would like, but I feel that I need to do this because I want to do something good in the world. I will endeavour to stay in touch with you when I decide that I can."
If there are any kind of steps we can take as part of our individuation process, perhaps they could be something like this: First we make known our standing/views/intention, then we put it into action, then we reconnect.
Ex: I am going to leave, now I am leaving, but if and when I return, I will do so as my own, individuated person.
Relationships, of whatever "flavour" they may be, involve emotional entanglements and sometimes we may have to go through an individuation process to be able to "untangle" ourselves in order to be(become) our own distinct entities.
“The paradox of individuation is that we best serve intimate relationship by becoming sufficiently developed in ourselves that we do not need to feed off others.” (James Hollis)
"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself". (Michael de Montaigne)
“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” (Marianne Williamson)
A quick definition: "The act or process of individuating, especially the process by which social individuals become differentiated one from the other." (The Free Dictionary)
So basically, it is about the process of discovering who we are, or want to become. This process; the individuation-process; is unique to us all but with similarities.
We begin a transition from being defined and or defining the "world" from our family's(nurturing environment) perspective, to defining ourselves and the world from our own experiences, feelings, and perspectives. This process keeps going throughout our lives, and we continually keep developing our own "voice", our views, our perceptions. If, as adults, we haven't "separated" ourselves from our primary care givers we may find ourselves facing dependency and or attachment issues in our adult love/friendships.
"The father is the child of the man" wrote William Wordsworth for which there are many interpretations, so now I add mine: "A child becomes as his father is, then a man."
Although most parents face a moment when they have to "let go"; to allow for their offspring to burst out of the cocoon and become their own creatures; for some of us it can be more difficult than others.
Where we stand in our own individuation with our parents (primary caretakers) to a large extent affect our relationships with people that matter to us.
What does being an "adult" mean to us? For some of us the concept of being an adult includes the idea of independence; making up our own minds about what we think, believe, and what is important to us. Individuation perhaps also can be viewed as the process that takes place after "separation" (from parents, friends, lovers) in which you develop your separate self, where you come to define who you are as an individual.
This can for some of us be experienced as fraught with much emotion, confusion, and anxiety.
How does one really know when it is ones own voice and not the echo of someone else's?
As children we are taught by our parents, teachers, and other significant people in our lives, how things "are" and their "voices" guide us, but part of becoming an independent adult means that at some point or another we question whether we still hold those "truths" to be our truth.
Self awareness, the discovery of who you are; warts and all.
"Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognise oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals," so says Wikipedia.
For some of us part of our journey of individuation may be that we want change; change of occupation, change of friends, change of partner, change of living space, change of attitudes, and so on. As we become more self-aware we may find ourselves questioning previously held beliefs and find them wanting or no longer fitting.
What can be tricky with the individuation process is that there are consequences to deal with when becoming a separate individual. Others in our lives often have opinions and feelings about us asserting our separateness/individuality and may find it difficult to accept when we seek change. "You want to be a professional artist? Why? You are making perfectly good money as an accountant." "Move to the country? Why, our families have always lived in towns." "A self-development course? Why? Don't you know who you are?" and so on.
Some of us may have a parent's (or parents) voice in our subconscious critically reminding us of the "right" way to do and behave which may interfere with our ability to trust our own inner voice.
If we desire to understand and know why we believe what we believe it may be helpful to ask how we came to hold those beliefs as true, and do we still hold them to be so?
Developing and learning to trust our own "voice" can be difficult if as children we were not encouraged to do so, but we can begin our individuation process at any age.
Important is that we choose our values and principles which we live by; which may include some that we have adopted from others. Key (as far as I see it) is to know that we have determined for ourselves what those values and principles are and having done so, we take responsibility for our behaviours, our beliefs and our choices. Understanding that we are responsible, paradoxically as it may seem, we will often experience a greater sense of freedom to be ourselves.
Ex: "You have told me that you would like me to carry on the family business, but I want to follow my passion and go to Africa to help the Red Cross Organisation. I understand that this means that I will not be able to see you as often as you would like, but I feel that I need to do this because I want to do something good in the world. I will endeavour to stay in touch with you when I decide that I can."
If there are any kind of steps we can take as part of our individuation process, perhaps they could be something like this: First we make known our standing/views/intention, then we put it into action, then we reconnect.
Ex: I am going to leave, now I am leaving, but if and when I return, I will do so as my own, individuated person.
Relationships, of whatever "flavour" they may be, involve emotional entanglements and sometimes we may have to go through an individuation process to be able to "untangle" ourselves in order to be(become) our own distinct entities.
“The paradox of individuation is that we best serve intimate relationship by becoming sufficiently developed in ourselves that we do not need to feed off others.” (James Hollis)
"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself". (Michael de Montaigne)
“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” (Marianne Williamson)
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