“Everyone of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self. We are not very good at recognising illusions, least of all the ones we cherish about ourselves.(Thomas Merton)
In our society, health and education is commonly not considered as a luxury, rather as an imperative.(=essential) If education is so important I can't help but wonder why along with learning how to read & write, to gather information etc. we are not also learning how to communicate effectively, how to better understand emotions and their effects, how to acquire efficient social skills or how to know ourselves?
Have you ever been told to "zip it"? (From pulling up a zipper)
Basically it means to stop talking, but the term can also mean: hold it in, put it away, keeping a secret and so on.
Seems to me that we learn very early to "zip it" in school: the inquisitive child who asks "too" many questions, the sensitive child who "zips up" his/her feelings as to not be bullied, the restless child who "disrupts" and repeatedly gets told to "zip it", to mention a few. As we stampede forwards in the name of progress, could we not along side with standard science, maths, and reading&writing not also put "social and emotional" learning on the curriculum?
One thing about emotions is that they are very fast; it takes approx. 100 milliseconds for our brain to react emotionally and circa 600 milliseconds for our cortex,(the thinking brain) to register this reaction. So even when we "zip it", our facial expression has already disclosed our emotion.
(For more info look up Paul Ekman and micro expressions)
Even if we want to, we can't really zip our emotions once they are registered, what we can do if we don't want to express them, is to deny them. "No, I'm not angry" he says angrily. "Disappointed? Of course I'm not disappointed" she says as she let's out a sigh. "Sad, I'm not sad" says the teenager as she swallows her tears. "I'm not lying!" says the nine year old defiantly as he stares at his shoes.
There is another word for "zipping" our emotions; it is called emotion suppression.
Basically we are trying to avoid having to deal with the emotion by suppressing it, perhaps believing its the "best"/right thing to do at the time. Problem is, avoiding or "zipping" our emotions do not make them go away, rather, by avoiding our emotions rather than expressing them we forgo the
opportunity to learn how to manage them. Some research even show that by avoiding our emotions they can intensify. Ex: A loved ones "little peculiarity" over time becomes a major stumbling block resulting in irritation, frustration, with constant friction and disagreements.
How can I tell if I am suppressing my emotions? Some suggestions: Rather than sitting/owning/feeling/experiencing your emotion you distract yourself rather than talking to someone(or yourself) about what is happening inside of you, you go for a "numbing" substance/activity; drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc.. you avoid talking about "it" because it's too negative, you avoid situations, people, places, because they invoke an emotional response you don't want to deal with.
(In some cultures being able to suppress ones emotions is a sign of strength, of masculinity and control, but try as we may, emotions can not be suppressed without consequences so research indicates i.e. stress, anxiety, stomach issues, head aches, etc.. Some research has also shown that people who "zip" their emotions often become less aware of other peoples emotional expressions.)
In some social settings/situations it may be expedient to "zip it" out of concern for others, or we may deem the time and place to be inappropriate which may be okay as long as we do find some time to process and acknowledge/express the emotions we experienced in a healthy way.
Ex: You and your partner are out with friends, your partner says something that upsets you. You decide to tell your partner that he/she upset you when you come home rather than infront of your friends.
"As adult, language-using, reflective human beings, we do not just have emotions. We have thoughts about our emotions, and we have further emotions about our emotions." (Robert C. Solomon)
Having emotions is part of being human and although there are occasions when "zipping it" may perhaps be socially the "best" action to take, "unzipping" them for me means learning how to understand them, experiencing/sitting/stay with them, and releasing them. Attempting to
"Unzip" your emotions, perhaps a constructive first step may be to identify/label them. "What am I feeling? Anger, fear, hurt, sadness, loneliness and/or shame? Having a word for what you are feeling may then lead you to ask: Why am I feeling this way? This may help you find the trigger or core of why you are feeling the way you are. Knowing what you are feeling, and the reason why you are feeling this way may then lead you to ask: How can I safely release these feelings without causing any harm to others or myself?
Talk with someone you trust and appreciate, write down your feelings, allow yourself to experience your feelings remembering that feelings pass, or see a health professional.
I do my "unzipping" with the help of music, visual art, reading, and/or writing but for others perhaps exercise, gardening, cooking, watching a movie, mindfulness, meditation, etc. may work?
Emotions when expressed are transient.....so go on have a go at "unzipping"...:)
“When I step out on stage in front of thousands of people, I don't feel that I'm being brave. It can take much more courage to express true feelings to one person. In spite of the risks, the courage to be honest and intimate opens the way to self-discovery. It offers what we all want, the promise of love. ” (Michael Jackson)
“The best way out is always through.” (Robert Frost)
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