I remember it well

 Do you remember where you were on 9/11/01 when the towers went down? Do you remember how you found out? Do you remember what you felt? Did you write it down? Apparently our memory is very malleable as researchers found out when comparing written accounts done immediately after 9/11 and compared with one's done 3 years later. When confronted with the discrepancies, the participants couldn't explain why, except for that the earlier version they'd written was not the way they remembered it.(Even when reading their own handwriting) So what happened? Seems we attach emotions to our memories, we alter our stories, we make them fit with our biases, our perceptions, all the while being sure we are remembering the "truth". Maybe this phenomenon can be used for good? Maybe we can revisit some bad memories and explore new possibilities of interpretation? Maybe our version of the truth was just one possibility, maybe there's room for more? I like the word "maybe" (you may have noticed), it offers hope, different possibilities, alternate explanations, it leaves the door of understanding slightly ajar.
There is this story: Every roast my mother would cook, she used to cut off both ends. I never thought much of it until a friend over for sunday lunch asked me why. I couldn't answer so I asked my mother, she didn't know either but said for me to ask Nan. So I asked Nan and she said that her oven had been small so the tray she used for the roast was very small and in order to fit the roast on it, she had to cut off both ends or it wouldn't fit in the oven........
The reason for cutting off both ends of the roast, although necessary for Nan, was no longer necessary for new large twin shelved ovens, however, nobody had thought fit to ask why the cutting was necessary, because memory dictated that it was always done that way in that household.
As I heard a Buddhist monk say: Understanding how to let go, is knowing how to confront all.
Maybe...........

The sounds of silence

Turn off the radio, the TV, the i-thingy's, the cd-player, and any other sound making gadget, what do you hear? Stop texting, e-mailing, reading or writing, what do you hear? There is so much noise/sounds around us all the time that silence(absence of noise/sounds) can seem overwhelming, too intimate, and very intrusive, so for just a moment, let's imagine this planet without electricity, when candles lit our darkness and horsepower, was horse power. Maybe we hear an old grand-pa clock ticking, birds crowing and chirping, sheep bleeting, an open fire crackling, the rustling of leaves in a breeze or the low pitched hum of a rolling ocean. Instead of us making the sounds, nature is speaking.

There is a concept called "mindfullness" and when I first came across it, I found it hard to grasp. I googled it, looked it up in dictionaries, and still found it hard to fully understand until one day, when I felt compelled to turn off all sound-making things and just be still.

I layed down on the couch and closed my eyes. At first a million thoughts flooded my mind and it was  loud!,but I was determind to forge on. I decided to concentrate, to focus on just one single sound and not allow my mind to keep chattering, so I choose the sound of a cricket. It was probably eating my nice green foliage while chirping, but I pushed those thoughts aside and forced the mind to stay with just the chirping. Slowly I could feel my body relaxing, I noticed it, but didn't dwell on the feelings, I just kept focusing on the sound of the cricket. I don't know for how long I did this, because the experience was like I had put my mind in neutral. The "motor" so to speak was still running, but I wasen't going anywhere. When I felt ready, I allowed for more sounds to enter into my consciousness, one at the time, until I was fully aware of most of them. This was a most peculiar and amazing experience, I felt as if I had had a shower of the mind. I don't know if this qualifies as "mindfullness" but for me, it does.

I try to remind myself that nature is always speaking, it's just me that forgets to listen.

Different kinds of distances

The sushibar was busy, but I managed to find an empty seat. It was very lively, people in work-out gear sucking on waterbottles, mum's with prams, teenagers in school uniforms, business people, and others, maybe like me. On occasion I would feel that I needed to remove myself from the brush and canvas and just mix with people, so I would go to a shopping centre, have something to eat and quietly observe.

There are many kind of distances. There's the distance between earth and other planets, the distance between city to city, country to country, ideas to fruition, thoughts to words, mind to soul, heart to heart. Parent to child, people to animals, human beings to universe and many more I'm sure.

           The paradox of distance is that we can sleep in the same bed, eat at the same table, work in the same cubicle, serve at the same counter, and at the same time be no closer than earth to moon. Yet, we  can also be on opposite sides of the planet, speak different languages, have different beliefsystems and yet be of one mind. A child in the sushibar decided to teach me a lesson on distances.

While his mother was busy with her cellphone, spooning sushi to the boy and checking her purse, the boy decided to show me that the distances we experience can be overcome in one gesture.

Suddenly, and without any warning, he held out his arms towards me, indicating that he wanted me to do something, which I read as; he wanted to make contact. I looked in to the boy's eager eyes, his toothless, sushi-filled gaping mouth, outstretched arms and thought: why not?

The mother observing this unfold, put her phone down, closed her purse, and started to appologize for her son's behaviour; "he's never done this before, I don't know why he is doing this, I'm so sorry" all the while wiping her son's face and fingers. The boy kept his arms outstretched, his eyes locked into mine. I smiled my best smile, and as we smashed the distance between us...we had a "moment". Seconds later the boy was hoisted out of his highchair, strapped back in his pram, the mum back on the cellphone as they vanished out the door. Sometimes maybe the best way to cross a distance is to just stretch out our arms and say nothing.

The value of "I don't know"

Why do good people do bad things? Why are some children born with incurable diseases? Why do we sometimes lie instead of telling the truth? Why did my brother have to die so young? and so on......there is no shortage of why?'s. Why is a word that can lead to many things; new discoveries in medicine, science, philosophy, psychology, arts, and many other areas, however, "why" can also be a springboard into to profound sadness and despair, bitterness and unforgiveness. Seems us humans put much value in the word "why". For some it can be a frustration not being able to answer every why, and for others, every why opens a portal to new discoveries, and then theres all the positions in between ofcourse.
When my brother died barely making it out of child into a budding teenager, "why" was my constant companion and nemesis. I was hoping that if I knew why, then the pain would be less, but I never got an answer, and still don't have one, but I no longer need it because I have learnt the value of not knowing. Not knowing offers endless possibilities, not knowing offers trusting, not knowing offers the opportunity of coping with uncertainty. I used to try to rationalize an acceptable answer to why my brother died so young, but now embracing not knowing, he is free to soar in my heart, forever a 14 year old boy with a smile that could melt a block of ice. There are so many things that happen in a lifetime and so many times when we think that having a concrete answer to our "why's?"will help us move forward, I however, have finally learnt to appreciate: "I don't know", and for someone who was born with a permanent "why" on her lips, this is a step forward, believe me.
Ofcourse, this is not the path for every one, it's just a path I have found to be very freeing. If I come across a particularily stubborn why, I ask myself; why is it so important for me to have an absolute answer to this question? will not the answer, "there are many possibilities" do? Maybe it's about understanding when asking "why" will hinder or help us, maybe it's about accepting? I don't know,
but I'm ok with that, because there are many possibilities and I intend to entertain them all.

Too close for comfort

Everyday when we turn on the TV or some "i-thingy", the outside world, the one with all the scary stuff, floods into our livingrooms, kitchens or into whatever space we may be in at the time. Ofcourse, we can switch it off and all the scary stuff disappears, well at least from view. Uncertainty bothers us humans, we don't like it; we want to control and be in charge. We want to be certain. So we tell ourselves that we know, that we are certain and for any gaps of uncertainty we may have, we "fill them in" with belief and/or faith or some such.
Yesterday that uncertain, scary world visited my local shoppingcentre. Among unsuspecting shoppers a man suddenly pulled out a gun from under his shirt and shot two people browsing in the Vodaphone shop. People scurried everywhere for safety, we ducked, we hid, we covered our children and we ran.We had become that news item that would be shown later on TV, or on some i-thingy. A wedge of uncertainty and fear was lodged into our assumptions of safety, but us humans are very adaptive creatures and like the Titanic slipped down into the dark icy waters, our feelings of uncertainty slips into the murky depths of the subconscious, and the surface again is perfectly still, bar a few ripples.
So, how many "ripples" can we cope with, or will we always be intolerant of uncertainty? Maybe its about the words we use, maybe its not so much about unsafe or safe, uncertainty or certainty, maybe its about all those spaces in between........and maybe its about feeling strong and content within ourselves so no matter where we are, we are always the same, safe and certain of the knowledge of who we are.

Why do I get misunderstood so often?

Even we speak the same language, sometimes it can seem as if we're speaking different languages. We say something we consider plain speaking yet the response from the person we are speaking with indicates a different interpretation. How does that happen? This may happen because what we say and what others hear, are two different things. So it can be helpful to ask the person you are speaking with what they heard you say to make sure that what they heard and what you tried to say, are the same.
Many words are "loaded", and what I mean with that is that there can be sublte judgement hidden in the word. For instance: All people on benefits are lazy, you put on a little weight, I do it this way, etc. Everytime terms like all, most, always, right, should, must, and many similar words are used, they can be interpretated as corrections and people may feel "put upon". Even if we feel strongly about something, and we are sure that our perception is "right", we need to remember that the other person may feel that their opinion and perception is equally "right", so for the communication to be friendly and to continue it may be advisable to add "in my opinon" or words to the effect at the end of a statement. We all enjoy speaking with people who listens to us openly and without prejudice, so when we do this for someone else we have a better chance of being understood and to understand.