"Tell me something, what do you mean with you have find yourself, do you mean that you somehow "lost" yourself, and now you need to find yourself again?" asked Linda's grand mother.
"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds kind of silly, but yes, I feel as if I don't really know who I am, what I stand for, or what I believe in," Linda answered.
"Did you use to know these things then?"
"Yes, I used to be very sure of who I was and what I believed in".
"So why do you now feel as if you are lost?"
"I don't know, but recently I have started to question myself. I mean, why do I hold the views that I do? Are they truly my own views, or are they hand-me-down views that I have picked up along the way? I feel lost I guess, because I am no longer sure of who the real me is."
"Is there such a thing as a "real" you then?"
"That's the thing, I don't know. Things happen, and suddenly I find myself doing things I don't want to do, and not doing the things I want to do. It's like there is a war going on inside of me between a "real" and "false" me."
"How is the "false" you different to the "real" you?
"Well, the "real" me wants to be kind, hard working, fair, patient, understanding, wise, supportive, loving, fun, loyal and so on, but often that other "false" me shows up instead. That "me" gets irritated, impatient, jealous, envious, competitive, angry, .......basically not a very nice person at all".
"Being a nice person is important to you?"
"Yes, I want people to think well of me."
"Why is it important for you that other people think well of you?"
"See, that's another struggle I have. I want people to like me, but I also want to stand by my principles, and sometimes those things clash."
"What do you usually do when they clash?"
"It depends I guess. If sticking up for my principles will cause a loss of some kind, like a friend, or a job, or cause friction in my family, then I often choose to ignore my principles and go with the flow.
I mean, people are more important than principles aren't they?
"Are people more important than principles?
Perhaps that is a principle for you; people are more important than principles?"
"Well, I have relationships with people, but not with principles."
"Yes, but the kind of relationships you have with people depends to a great extent on your principles."
"Hmmm....so I guess it is important for me to be really clear about what my belief system and guiding life principles are? Do they make up the core of who I am perhaps?"
"In my opinion, they certainly play an important role. However, life is not static and you may encounter experiences in life that may cause you to question your belief system and guiding life principles. At times you may even find that you may need to revise or even change them."
"So, my sense of who I am is not static? It keeps changing?
I am neither "lost" or "found", I am both, I am neither my "real" or my "false" self, I am both?
"Well, Linda, I am a mother, a grand-mother, a woman, a wife, a human being, a cook, a gardener; yet my experience of me is that of one "me" with many aspects."
"Is who I am the same as what I do?
"Part of who you are, is what you do, just like part of what you do is part of who you are.
What you think you are, you become."
"Will I ever really know for sure who I am, Grandma?
"Knowing what kind of human being you want to be is a very good start, Linda,
and if you find yourself falling short of being the kind of person you want to be, you can always make a change. As Vera Nazarian wrote: "Sometimes, being true to yourself means changing your mind. Self changes, and you follow."
(About the painting: This is a piece that came about while I was teaching a student to paint.)
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