What do you want from life?

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who said he didn't know what he wants to do with his life. I asked him what he is passionate about. "That's the thing, I don't know", he answered.

"What do you like doing? I asked. "I'm not sure about that either, depends on the day I guess", he answered.

"What if anything was possible, what would you like to do with your life? I asked my friend.

"Hmm....like what? he answered.

"Would it be helpful if we approached this from another angle perhaps", I asked then continued "perhaps it can be helpful to use your imagination?"  “Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.” (Albert Einstein)

Increasing/stimulating our imagination often helps us discover possibilities we may not even have considered previously. (Imagination, some suggest, is a part of our mind that includes both the learning and creative spheres.)

To stimulate our imagination, at times it can be helpful to "open" our mind for new ideas, new approaches, new information, and exploration of previously "unchartered" paths.

Create new neural pathways so to speak. (New thoughts, new neural pathways)

My friend looked at me and asked: "So, how do I do that?"

So I suggested: read more, be curious, find different ways to look at things, try new things, if you feel you have a talent in a specific area perhaps try to find ways develop it,  speak with people who you consider "imaginative". At times it may be helpful to make some space in our minds for "possibility thinking" by removing our "impossibility thinking".

Example: "I am not good enough to.....xxx...." exchange for "what do I have to do to be good enough at...xxx?"  "I will never be able to....xxx exchange for what do I have to do to be able to..xxx?"

Perhaps it could also be helpful to take a piece of paper and write down what we would like to do if anything was possible: "If anything was possible I would: move, travel, study, learn a new language, learn to play an instrument, read more, socialise more, and so on."

When we ask ourselves what we want from life, we have an opportunity to discover what is important to us, and discovering what is important to us we may inadvertently discover what our passions are...

For some of us living in societies with much unrest, poverty and suffering, and with threats to our lives an ongoing issue, perhaps staying alive may be our primary purpose, for others of us fortunate enough to not have to deal with such issues, perhaps finding a purpose may be our main purpose?

 When asked what we want most from life, many of us answer: happiness.

Regardless of country and or culture, seemingly "happiness" is what most of us desire from life. But what constitutes "happiness"? And can "life" give us happiness? What do we mean with "happiness"?

Perhaps there are as many definition's for happiness as there are people, but for the moment may I suggest this: A comprehensive term for a state of mind that is usually/commonly a mix of feelings of fulfilment, contentment, satisfaction, a sense of achievement, feeling safe, a sense of well-being, and peace of mind. How to arrive at this state of mind, that, perhaps is a helpful question, but one that we must each answer for ourselves.

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/carljung157285.html#6jPgoQDsIAqdHMza.99

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it was not balanced by sadness." (Carl Jung)
What do you want from life? Perhaps it can be helpful to ask ourselves a few questions to narrow down the scope by asking ourselves what is most important to us; family, friends, career, money, things, a loving relationship, being successful, and so on?
Do we get most satisfaction from/through: achieving goals, living up to our principles/values, being held in high esteem by our peers, being regarded by others as "likeable", etc. ?
Do we regard ourselves as being adaptive; able to roll with the punches, open to change, interested/curious about new things, willing to entertain different possibilities?
Do we feel and or think that life "owes" us something; by being born do we have a sense of entitlement? Can we separate ourselves from "life" so that it becomes "life" that owes us?
Do we want to live an "unexamined" or "examined" life?  ("The unexamined life" refers to a life lived by rote under the rules of others without the subject ever examining whether or not he truly wants to live with those routines or rules. According to Socrates, this type of life was not worth living." Ask.com)  "Each man (human) is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible." (Viktor Frankl)

Embracing other cultures...pizza anyone?

The coffee shop was buzzing with activity, names were called out; "Brayden, double shot latte skim milk", quickly followed by "Martin, macchiato grande". Sitting in the corner of the coffee shop quietly observing the ebb and flow of people, I suddenly saw her. Dressed in an immaculate white dress, glistening pearl earrings, standing there in an aura of stillness,....exuding grace.

Looking at her it seemed as if she was unaffected by time constraints; she was her own entity.

I had to paint her.....

I approached her, camera in hand and with gestures asked if I could take a photo of her. She smiled, gently nodded her head in agreement. As suddenly as she had appeared, she disappeared. Going through the camera in search for the shot I took of her expecting to see her smiling face, what I found instead was an enigma.

When I started to paint her I was struck by millions of questions: where was she from, what did the sadness in her eyes hide, what was she thinking of when I took the photograph, how old was she...?

How important is cultural background and what part does it play in understanding and communication? What is culture?

"Culture is a complex system of behaviour, values, beliefs, traditions and artefacts, which is transmitted through generations."(Buzzle)

What we experience as "our" culture, may I suggest is what we learn from the environment in which we grow up; our parents/primary caregivers/guardians. Belief systems, including values and principles are commonly passed down through generations: "our family always vote conservative/liberal, our family value hard work as a primary motivator, our family believe that keeping traditions is paramount, etc.."

The issue of culture in my view is very complex so for the purpose of this post I will just focus on one small aspect of it: keeping an open mind and appreciation for cultures different to our own.

Some suggest that there are 6.700 recognised languages in the world which may be of value perhaps to remember the next time we meet someone from another country speaking a different language to our own. "English", for instance, although used more and more globally, my I suggest is not "the" language, only one of many languages; all with their own beauty and other qualities.

If we remove the terms "right" and "wrong" in association with cultures, then we are left with "different"....a term without a judgemental value attached. "In my culture we usually do "it" this way, how do you do "it" in your culture?" Embracing other cultures culinary(food) inventions has made it possible for us to now consider pizzas, curry's, hot chips, coffee lattes, tacos, burgers, etc., etc.. to be staple(common) dishes in most countries. The Italians invented the "eye glasses", coffee originally came from Ethiopia, pasta originated in China, Sumerians were the first to put a written language in order, writing paper was invented in China, glass was invented in Ancient Egypt, "cooking" food was invented in Mesopotamia, and the list goes on.

Most cultures have within their cultures traditions, tools, customs, that have been adopted from other cultures somewhere along the way.

We learn from each other.

Knowing about other societies and understanding their cultures we are given the opportunity to affect/minimize conflict and instead build cooperation and congruence (harmony).

In some countries "small talk" is considered essential for socialising, in others it may be viewed as pointless, in some countries, speaking with your whole body i.e. using vivid body language is "normal" in others it may be considered demonstrative, in some countries it is impolite to look someone in the eyes when speaking with them, in other countries on the other hand; if you do not look the person in the eyes when you speak, you may be considered "shifty"(dishonest).

To understand other cultures a good starting point may be to understand our own, both from a collective and individual point of view. Mostly we view and make sense out of our world through a set of "lenses"; our values, principles, morals, ethics, etc., and through those we interpret meaning. Bearing in mind that each individual have their own "lenses" may assist us in understanding that there are many different ways to experience and express ourselves.

"Preservation of ones own culture does not require contempt or disrespect for other cultures".

(Cesar Chavez)

"No culture can live if it attempts to be exclusive". (Gandhi)

"People can only live fully by helping others to live. When you give life to friends you truly live. Cultures can only realise their further richness by honouring other traditions. And only by respecting natural life can humanity continue to exist." (Daisaku Ikeda)

“We seldom realize, for example that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society.” (Alan Wilson Watts)

 

Pizza, chips or spag boll anyone?

Seeing with our eyes closed......

 

 

"What do you see?" he asked.

"I don't understand what I see", answered the boy.

"Look closer", said the old man.

The boy let out a sigh. "Master, how can I see with my eyes closed?"

"You see not only with your eyes", answered the Master.

 

"What do you hear?" wrote the old man on a small piece of paper.

"I don't understand what I am hearing", wrote the boy.

"Listen more closely", wrote the Master.

"How can I hear anything when my ears are covered?" scribbled the boy.

"You hear not only with your ears", wrote the Master.

 

"What are you holding in your hand?" asked the Master.

"I don't know what I am holding", answered the boy.

"Focus on your touch", said the old man.

"How can I know what I am touching when I am wearing thick leather gloves?" the boy asked.

"You touch not only with your skin", answered the Master.

 

"What are you feeling?" asked the old man.

"I don't know what I am feeling", answered the boy.

"Concentrate", said the Master.

"How can I concentrate on my feelings when I am thinking hard on your questions?" asked the boy.

"You feel not only with your feelings", answered the Master.

 

The Master and the boy sat quietly.

 

"Open your eyes", said the old man.

The boy opened his eyes.

"What do you see?" asked the Master.

The boy sat quietly then answered: "With our eyes we see what something looks like but not its true or inner nature", answered the boy.

 

"Now, really listen, what do you hear?" asked the old man.

The boy slowed his breathing, closed his eyes and listened.

"What do you hear?" asked the Master.

"I hear your voice Master, but in your voice I also hear your kindness, your patience, and your concern for me", answered the boy.

 

"Take off your gloves", said the old man.

The boy removed his gloves.

"What are you holding in your hand?" asked the Master.

"I am holding an old photograph of a small child crying and I am touched with compassion for the child", answered the boy.

 

"What are you feeling right now?" asked the old man as he swept his coat around the boy's shoulders.

The boy closed his eyes, covered his ears and put on his leather gloves then took a deep breath.

Exhaled. Then took another deep breath.

Exhaled, then answered.

"I feel present. My feelings and thinking have merged", answered the boy.

 



How to stand up for yourself... without hostility

Inside her mind she can her herself shouting at the top of her voice: "Stop! This is insane, I don't want this anymore!!! Are you hearing me?" but what she actually does is say nothing.

As his father keeps telling him all the things he is doing wrong, the young boy wants to scream: "Leave me alone, stop putting me down all the time!!", but what he does is say nothing.

At work they make fun of her, laugh at her accent, sneer at her conscientiousness. Every morning before work she decides to not stay silent, to respond, to stand up for herself but she doesn't....she has to pay the bills and look after her daughter so she can't afford to lose her job. She remains silent.

There are numerous of scenarios in which we may find ourselves remaining silent although we have much to say, and perhaps need to say something. "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing", so wrote Edmund Burke.

Scenarios such as: The bully in the schoolyard, bullies in a work situation, a marriage, a sports team, etc. not to mention in the corporate world, politics, and so on. Until one, or some of us, makes a stand; drop after drop we become worn down.

"Get up, stand up, Stand up for your rights. Get up, stand up, Don't give up the fight." (Bob Marley)

Easier said than done perhaps, but saying nothing costs. Avoiding direct confrontation takes a lot of energy, and although we may have very rational (in our view) reasons for why we say nothing, saying nothing keeps us stuck. Perhaps we fear losing a position, a friend, a lover, and so on if we voice our views? And it is possible that we may do so, but by not expressing our views/concerns out of fear, we may lose our inner strength, our sense of who we are, and find ourselves battling with self doubt.

Not expressing in a direct fashion our views may lead to us behave in passive-aggressive ways (saying nothing in order to "keep the peace" although holding strong feelings about something, somebody) instead we let our feelings out through indirect expressions such as sarcasm, resentment, sullenness, procrastination, making hostile jokes, stone-walling, irritation, etc..

There may be situations when we may choose to remain silent because we are so angry that we can't think clearly and need time to calm down so that we can express ourselves adequately, precisely, and without hostility. Example: "Can we talk about this later please, I need to collect my thoughts?"

Going along with the flow, wanting/needing to feel accepted and included, we may find it difficult to express our views for fear of being "wrong". While working in a warehouse I saw some of my work mates doing things that I considered "wrong", dishonest, and sneaky, but I said nothing because I was afraid of losing my job, until, some of them started to bully a young guy who had recently joined the staff. I was used to the constant sarcasm and inappropriate jokes, but I could see that this young man was hurting from being made fun of at every turn. I decided to make a stand. Calmly I approached the warehouse manager and said: "Never mistake kindness for weakness, the reason I am not engaging in any of the behaviours you call "innocent fun" is not because I have nothing to say, but because I chose to only say things that are encouraging and kind, rather than sarcastic and mean."

Taking(making) a stand, standing up for what we believe is important, ("right" decent, fair, etc.) in my view because it has the potential to build self-confidence, to build integrity, to nourish our sense of self, to nourish our self-respect and respect for others, and to strengthen our sense of independence.

Optimally we attempt to do this without offending anybody by respecting others views while remaining committed to our own, making our "stand" with integrity and an attitude of not causing harm to those who view things differently to us.

Some suggestions: Speak calmly> Be diplomatic> Listen to what they are saying> Know what you are standing up for> Chose your words carefully> If there is an impasse (deadlock), walk away calmly, in a non-passive-aggressive manner

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak, courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." (Winston Churchill)

"Stay strong. Stand up. Have a voice." (Shawn Johnson)

 

Understand your emotions...How to "unzip"....

 

“Everyone of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self. We are not very good at recognising illusions, least of all the ones we cherish about ourselves.(Thomas Merton)

In our society, health and education is commonly not considered as a luxury, rather as an imperative.(=essential)  If education is so important I can't help but wonder why along with learning how to read & write, to gather information etc. we are not also learning how to communicate effectively, how to better understand emotions and their effects, how to acquire efficient social skills or how to know ourselves?

Have you ever been told to "zip it"? (From pulling up a zipper)

Basically it means to stop talking, but the term can also mean: hold it in, put it away, keeping a secret and so on.

Seems to me that we learn very early to "zip it" in school: the inquisitive child who asks "too" many questions, the sensitive child who "zips up" his/her feelings as to not be bullied, the restless child who "disrupts" and repeatedly gets told to "zip it", to mention a few. As we stampede forwards in the name of progress, could we not along side with standard science, maths, and reading&writing not also put "social and emotional" learning on the curriculum?

One thing about emotions is that they are very fast; it takes approx. 100 milliseconds for our brain to react emotionally and circa 600 milliseconds for our cortex,(the thinking brain) to register this reaction. So even when we "zip it", our facial expression has already disclosed our emotion.

(For more info look up Paul Ekman and micro expressions)

Even if we want to, we can't really zip our emotions once they are registered, what we can do if we don't want to express them, is to deny them. "No, I'm not angry" he says angrily. "Disappointed? Of course I'm not disappointed" she says as she let's out a sigh. "Sad, I'm not sad" says the teenager as she swallows her tears. "I'm not lying!" says the nine year old defiantly as he stares at his shoes.

There is another word for "zipping" our emotions;  it is called emotion suppression.

Basically we are trying to avoid having to deal with the emotion by suppressing it, perhaps believing its the "best"/right thing to do at the time. Problem is, avoiding or "zipping" our emotions do not make them go away, rather, by avoiding our emotions rather than expressing them we forgo the

opportunity to learn how to manage them. Some research even show that by avoiding our emotions they can intensify. Ex: A loved ones "little peculiarity" over time becomes a major stumbling block resulting in irritation, frustration, with constant friction and disagreements.

How can I tell if I am suppressing my emotions? Some suggestions: Rather than sitting/owning/feeling/experiencing your emotion you distract yourself rather than talking to someone(or yourself) about what is happening inside of you, you go for a "numbing" substance/activity; drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc.. you avoid talking about "it" because it's too negative, you avoid situations, people, places, because they invoke an emotional response you don't want to deal with.

(In some cultures being able to suppress ones emotions is a sign of strength, of masculinity and control, but try as we may, emotions can not be suppressed without consequences so research indicates i.e. stress, anxiety, stomach issues, head aches, etc.. Some research has also shown that people who "zip" their emotions often become less aware of other peoples emotional expressions.) 

In some social settings/situations it may be expedient to "zip it" out of concern for others, or we may deem the time and place to be inappropriate which may be okay as long as we do find some time to process and acknowledge/express the emotions we experienced in a healthy way.

Ex: You and your partner are out with friends, your partner says something that upsets you. You decide to tell your partner that he/she upset you when you come home rather than infront of your friends.

"As adult, language-using, reflective human beings, we do not just have emotions. We have thoughts about our emotions, and we have further emotions about our emotions." (Robert C. Solomon)

Having emotions is part of being human and although there are occasions when "zipping it" may perhaps be socially the "best" action to take, "unzipping" them for me means learning how to understand them, experiencing/sitting/stay with them, and releasing them. Attempting to

"Unzip" your emotions, perhaps a constructive first step may be to identify/label them. "What am I feeling? Anger, fear, hurt, sadness, loneliness and/or shame? Having a word for what you are feeling may then lead you to ask: Why am I feeling this way?  This may help you find the trigger or core of why you are feeling the way you are. Knowing what you are feeling, and the reason why you are feeling this way may then lead you to ask: How can I safely release these feelings without causing any harm to others or myself?

Talk with someone you trust and appreciate, write down your feelings, allow yourself to experience your feelings remembering that feelings pass, or see a health professional.

I do my "unzipping" with the help of music, visual art, reading, and/or writing but for others perhaps exercise, gardening, cooking, watching a movie, mindfulness, meditation, etc. may work?

Emotions when expressed are transient.....so go on have a go at "unzipping"...:)

 

 “When I step out on stage in front of thousands of people, I don't feel that I'm being brave. It can take much more courage to express true feelings to one person.  In spite of the risks, the courage to be honest and intimate opens the way to self-discovery. It offers what we all want, the promise of love. ”  (Michael Jackson)

“The best way out is always through.”  (Robert Frost)

 

"Stay Gold, Ponyboy, stay Gold"......on developing inner strength.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”   (Lao Tzu)

 The word strength can be used to describe someone or something's physical quality but for the purpose of this post I will refer to another kind of strength; strength as a capability to "firmly maintain a moral or intellectual position".

"Nothing is as strong as gentleness, nothing is so gentle as true strength."(Ralph W. Sockman)

Is being assertive the same as being strong? I wondered. Assertiveness definition: "The word assertive is an adjective meaning confidently affirmative", here's another: "aggressive self-assurance; given to making bold assertions". Aggressive?

Hmmm. When I asked my son how he would define "strength" (not the physical kind) he answered "holding firm to ones principles and values".

I found another definition for strength: "Strength is a measure of how we handle the challenges of life." (Nancy Colier) For now, I will stick with this definition.

Would a person with "inner" strength behave in an aggressive manner toward others? Would a person with inner strength be unaware of the effects their own assertiveness may have on others? Would a person with inner strength choose to hide their true feelings in order not to seem weak?

Yes. At times. Depending on the situation. Although with all the best intentions in the world, to be human, is to err so the wise say.

So, what is so good about "inner" strength?

Inner strength has the potential to empower, to promote resilience, to focus on the positive, to help us stay firmly connected with our values and principles regardless of circumstances; inner strength helps us stay close to the "core" that we define as "us".

In the movie "The Outsiders" adapted from a novel by S.E Hinton with the same name, Johnny says to his friend: "Stay Gold, Ponyboy, stay gold." Johnny is urging Ponyboy to stay true to his inner core; his purity and innocence i.e. his "Gold". I watched the movie together with my son when he was still a young teenager but I have used the phrase (stay gold) on a number of occasions ever since to encourage my son to stay true to his inner core and strengths regardless/in spite of the many turbulent and trying times that occurs in a life.

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develops your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength" so says Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Besides "not surrendering", what can be done to develop ones inner strength?

Perhaps it may be helpful to first do a "stock take" of what you consider to be your strengths:

Ex: I am loyal, honest, trust worthy, caring, resilient, etc. then identify those areas that you think could do with some strengthening for example: speaking up when you disagree, not make snap judgements, focus on the positive(affirmative), and so on.

What if I don't know what my strengths are?

Ask somebody you trust for their input; at times it can be easier for someone else to see/recognise our strengths.

Then there is "Fools Gold". "Fool's gold is a common term used to describe any item which has been believed to be valuable to the owner, only to end up being not so."(Gold is an element; there is only gold in it, "fools gold" on the other hand is a compound of iron and sulphur, it is brittle and whereas a gold nugget when tapped with a hammer just becomes slightly flattened, "fools gold" falls apart. Gold is one of the 92 naturally occurring elements found on earth. There is no known natural substance that can destroy gold.)

If innocence, purity, resilience, sticking to ones values and principles, etc. are "gold" what are some examples of "fools gold"?

 Here are some of my suggestions of "fools gold": arrogance (FG)>self-confidence(G), sarcasm>humour, bossiness>strong leadership, impulsivity>creativity, recklessness>courageousness, aggression>inner strength, obsequiousness>honesty......and so on. 

“Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.” (Eric Hoffer)

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strengths and resolutions.” (Khalil Gibran)

"........Predators prey on gentleness, peace, calmness, sweetness and any positivity that they sniff out as weakness. Anything that is happy and at peace they mistake for weakness. It's not your job to change these people, but it's your job to show them that your peace and gentleness do not equate to weakness......"(C Joybell C)

 

Stay Gold, dear reader, stay Gold.

How to belong to yourself...the individuation process

"As long as you live under my roof, you follow my rules!" says the father to his son.

"Yeah, well, I have my own views", answers the son.

"I am an adult now and I don't agree with you on every thing. I need to know for myself from my own experiences and way of seeing things what I believe is right or wrong, what works or doesn't work. I am sorry if this is a problem for you, but I need to know who I am and what I stand for", the son tells his father.

The father sighs and says: "Well, you better pack your things then", then turns his back on his son and leaves the room. The son shrugs his shoulders, throws some clothing in a backpack. Five minutes later he closes the door to his childhood and steps forward into adulthood.

Have you come across the term "individuation"? Or the separation/individuation-process?
A quick definition: "The act or process of individuating, especially the process by which social individuals become differentiated one from the other." (The Free Dictionary)
So basically, it is about the process of discovering who we are, or want to become. This process; the individuation-process; is unique to us all but with similarities.
We begin a transition from being defined and or defining the "world" from our family's(nurturing environment) perspective, to defining ourselves and the world from our own experiences, feelings, and perspectives. This process keeps going throughout our lives, and we continually keep developing our own "voice", our views, our perceptions. If, as adults, we haven't "separated" ourselves from our primary care givers we may find ourselves facing dependency and or attachment issues in our adult love/friendships.
"The father is the child of the man" wrote William Wordsworth for which there are many interpretations, so now I add mine: "A child becomes as his father is, then a man."
Although most parents face a moment when they have to "let go"; to allow for their offspring to burst out of the cocoon and become their own creatures; for some of us it can be more difficult than others.
Where we stand in our own individuation with our parents (primary caretakers) to a large extent affect our relationships with people that matter to us.
What does being an "adult" mean to us? For some of us the concept of being an adult includes the idea of independence; making up our own minds about what we think, believe, and what is important to us. Individuation perhaps also can be viewed as the process that takes place after "separation" (from parents, friends, lovers) in which you develop your separate self, where you come to define who you are as an individual.
This can for some of us be experienced as fraught with much emotion, confusion, and anxiety.
How does one really know when it is ones own voice and not the echo of someone else's?
As children we are taught by our parents, teachers, and other significant people in our lives, how things "are" and their "voices" guide us, but part of becoming an independent adult means that at some point or another we question whether we still hold those "truths" to be our truth.
Self awareness, the discovery of who you are; warts and all.
"Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognise oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals," so says Wikipedia.
For some of us part of our journey of individuation may be that we want change; change of occupation, change of friends, change of partner, change of living space, change of attitudes, and so on. As we become more self-aware we may find ourselves questioning previously held beliefs and find them wanting or no longer fitting.
What can be tricky with the individuation process is that there are consequences to deal with when becoming a separate individual. Others in our lives often have opinions and feelings about us asserting our separateness/individuality and may find it difficult to accept when we seek change. "You want to be a professional artist? Why? You are making perfectly good money as an accountant." "Move to the country? Why, our families have always lived in towns."  "A self-development course? Why? Don't you know who you are?" and so on.
Some of us may have a parent's (or parents) voice in our subconscious critically reminding us of the "right" way to do and behave which may interfere with our ability to trust our own inner voice.
If we desire to understand and know why we believe what we believe it may be helpful to ask how we came to hold those beliefs as true, and do we still hold them to be so?
Developing and learning to trust our own "voice" can be difficult if as children we were not encouraged to do so, but we can begin our individuation process at any age.
Important is that we choose our values and principles which we live by; which may include some that we have adopted from others. Key (as far as I see it) is to know that we have determined for ourselves what those values and principles are and having done so, we take responsibility for our behaviours, our beliefs and our choices. Understanding that we are responsible, paradoxically as it may seem, we will often experience a greater sense of freedom to be ourselves.
Ex: "You have told me that you would like me to carry on the family business, but I want to follow my passion and go to Africa to help the Red Cross Organisation. I understand that this means that I will not be able to see you as often as you would like, but I feel that I need to do this because I want to do something good in the world. I will endeavour to stay in touch with you when I decide that I can."
If there are any kind of steps we can take as part of our individuation process, perhaps they could be something like this: First we make known our standing/views/intention, then we put it into action, then we reconnect.
Ex: I am going to leave, now I am leaving, but if and when I return, I will do so as my own, individuated person.
Relationships, of whatever "flavour" they may be, involve emotional entanglements and sometimes we may have to go through an individuation process to be able to "untangle" ourselves in order to be(become) our own distinct entities.
“The paradox of individuation is that we best serve intimate relationship by becoming sufficiently developed in ourselves that we do not need to feed off others.” (James Hollis)


"The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself". (Michael de Montaigne)
“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” (Marianne Williamson)