Are you feeling invisible?

The super hero drapes himself with his "invisibility cloak" and manage to escape the clutches of the super villain.

Do you feel like you are invisible?

But not in a good way?

Your brother/sister always get all the attention, your work mate always gets the promotion, your friend, but not you, always gets invited out, and so on?

So, how does this sense of invisibility begin? It has been suggested that if a child's feelings are regularly ignored, unnoticed, or misinterpreted, the child often experiences that as: "my feelings don't matter, my feelings are not important, my feelings are wrong, the way I feel is not okay".

Eventually feelings are pushed down, made invisible to others and even perhaps to the self.

The child begins to doubt his/her own feelings with the result of not being sure of his/her own needs.

Not being sure of his/her needs, the child push away his/her emotions but in doing so he/she also misses out on learning how to identify, tolerate, cope, or deal with his/her feelings/emotions.

Example: "A child comes home from school in tears and tells her mother that the other children call her fatso. The girl is devastated. The mother tells the girl ..?.......what would you tell the girl?"

A boy comes home from school in a mood and tells his father that the other boys call him a sissy. The boy is devastated. The father tells the boy....?........what would you tell the boy?"

Some suggest: "People who did not receive enough emotional nurturing, discipline, soothing or compassion when they were growing up have great difficulty providing all of these things for themselves as adults".

If you often feel "invisible", have you asked yourself why you feel this way?

If you have, what are some of the answers you have come up with?

"I'm shy, I'm the middle child, I'm introverted, I'm sensitive, I'm self-critical, I'm the quiet type, I don't like to draw too much attention to myself, I'm anxious", et cetera.

But, how did you arrive at these conclusions?
(Children growing up in homes in which they were exposed to frequent criticism often learn to doubt themselves and this may lead to low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.)
 If we are constantly told that we are a certain way by those we love and trust, eventually we may believe them and distrust our own feelings about ourselves. When our self-esteem is tied to external factors, that is; we need validation from others to feel that we have succeeded; then there is a risk that we will have little trust in our own judgements often resulting in a low self-esteem and self-confidence. Externally generated self-esteem is fragile; "I have to do this right, be the right way to be loved and accepted", whereas internally generated self-esteem is much hardier; "I am loved regardless, I am responsible for my actions". When I was 16, I sought the counsel of a renown flautist. With much fear and trepidation, I played one of my composition for him on the piano. When I had finished playing he looked at me and said: "You have no talent whatsoever. No point in trying to pursue a career in music". I was devastated at first, (actually, to be honest, even writing about it right now, still tugs at the heart strings) and it took a few weeks to "get back up on the horse", but my passion and love for music was so strong that a year and a half later I applied and was accepted into a music school. (There were over 300 entrants but only 12 people admitted)

"We see the world, not as it is, but as we are." "We see things not as they are, we see things as we are."
What ever self limiting beliefs (I'm not good enough, smart enough, talented enough etc.) we may have they can be exchanged for affirmations; there are no failures, only outcomes, events in our lives may shape us but our choices define us, the past is not now.. because now I can change things.
Make friends with: "I don't know yet, I haven't succeeded yet, it hasn't happened yet, I can't do it yet, and so on.
Regardless of what your inner critic/self limiting belief's tells you, your thoughts are just that, thoughts, and they can be changed.
The more visible you are to yourself, the more visible you become to others.  Some folks may choose to change their appearance; new haircut, new wardrobe, new car, et cetera, others may decide to become "psychologically" more visible: new attitude, new sense of self-confidence and self-esteem, new approach, and so on. If any of those "Life Style" shows such as "What not to wear" has even the smallest amount of truth in them, then for some of us with a new wardrobe often comes a new and more confident view of one self. (I look good so now I feel good) Other of us may choose to change our attitude of "I can't to I can, I'm not so good at xxx, but I am good at zzz, that was in the past, this is now."
To strengthen our core self, it may be helpful to: learn to recognise what our true feelings are without seeking validation or approval from others, and whatever the inner critic says, debate it. (We are the bosses over that inner critic, not the other way around.) When we address our needs, our feelings, we tell ourselves that they matter, that we matter, regardless of our previous experiences.

“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realise that the only approval and validation you need is your own.” (Mandy Hale)
"Never seek validation from anyone. Respect yourself by making your own choice; this will bring respect from others. Remember when you have confidence in yourself and your worth, you don't need anyone else to co-sign." (Unknown)
On top of our own inner critics we also have to deal with "cultural messages": there is something "wrong" with you if you are not: effortlessly sociably savvy, super popular, have lots of friends, are into sports, have a great body, and so on. The good news is that we can choose whether we accept or reject those messages, after all, we are all different and perhaps now is as good a time as any to question why it is considered "wrong" to be shy, awkward, quirky, dancing to your own tune, rather than embracing the many and splendid variations of humanity there is.
"To your own self, be true."


 

Are you in pain? Perhaps asking "how" instead of "why" may help?

Mother Teresa saw people suffering and with a compassionate heart, she acted.

I have a very good friend who for many years have suffered and still is suffering, with much pain.

There is no cure, only ways to cope and managing the illness with its subsequent pain.

Often when someone we love(or ourselves) is suddenly struck down with a serious illness, we ask: Why?

Then: What did they/I do to deserve this? What did they/I do wrong? Are they/I being punished?

and so on.

For the purpose of this post I am going to leave the "why's" for a later date and instead focus on "how".

"Now when I have this affliction how can I deal with it?"

My friend asked me if I could write a post on how to nurture trust, patience, and resilience while coping with much pain. My own chronic pain is mild in comparison with hers and others, but I do know something about pain, both of the physical and mental kind.

Constant pain can make you tired, anxious, stressed, angry, depressed, lethargic, indifferent, fatigued, and listless, to mention a few. Whether the pain is physical or of a mental nature, it affects our emotions. How much it affect us and in what ways, are areas over which we can affect some change.

An example: When I injured my back I was told that it could never be fixed, I would have to cope with the pain for the rest of my life. After weeks of physio treatment, medication, and bed rest, I decided to try my own method. I started to swim. At first the pain was so excruciating that I could only manage half a lap in a 25 metre pool, but I persisted. Every day I swam a bit further and although still excruciating, emotionally I began to feel more positive. Eventually I was able to swim 2km five days a week, and as long as I did that, the pain was manageable.

For me swimming laps proved effective in helping me cope and manage my pain, but we are all different so the quest for finding effective ways to manage our pain, is up to us.

So how can one nurture trust, patience, and resilience while coping with pain?

I personally believe that a good first step is to not focus on the "why" but on the "how" and "what".

How can I affect a change for the better? What can I do to improve my situation?

Here are some suggestions: Be optimistic, trust that there will be positive outcomes from your positive efforts. "Today I could............which I couldn't yesterday." For some of us the "bigger picture" is important; "I don't know why I am struck with this illness/predicament/situation/pain, but I trust that there is a reason and eventually it will become clear to me." For some of us perhaps it is more: "I don't know why this has happened to me, but I am not powerless, there are things I can do."

"As a man thinks in his heart so is he", wrote James Allen. There is an insidious aspect to constant pain; it drains.....but like someone said "if doubt comes knocking on your door, send faith to answer it". Perhaps we can also say: "if distrust comes knocking on your door, send trust to answer it".

So how do we nurture trust? Perhaps one possibility is by exposing ourselves to literature/books/info/people that edify the hopeful, grateful, and faithful,... rather than the unhopeful, ungrateful, and doubtful. One of the many amazing and good(helpful) aspects of science, is the continuous discoveries in the field of medicine. Many diseases previously incurable can now be cured, untreatable afflictions can be treated, and medical mysteries, solved. For many, this brings hope and with hope patience. When in the pursuit of pain relief for my back pain, it was suggested to me to try acupuncture. Tired of all the strong medication I decided to try it. Sadly it didn't work for my back problem, but through it I learned a pain relieving technique that has been of great assistance for me ever since. So simple, yet very effective. Breathing. Patiently.

Focused only on the breathing. (Sometimes it helps to think the words; IN, OUT)  Exhaling the pain. Amazingly this also often works when in a state of anxiety, fear, or stress.

How about nurturing patience and resilience in spite of chronic pain?

 Resilience, defined in Merriam-Webster as: "the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens". Here I would like to offer my own definition: "patience acted out". Bouncing back.  "This too shall pass", words believed to have originated in the writings of the medieval Persian Sufi poets; words that perhaps can be used as a good tool for nurturing patience and resilience? (Those words have definitely assisted me on a number of occasions.)

Sometimes we may find that we can acquire more patience by looking at the "bigger" picture, yet, other times perhaps the most efficient method is to experience each single moment as it appears.

"One moment at the time, I can stand this." Moments become minutes, minutes becomes hours; incrementally patience and resilience is nurtured.  "I can cope with this because there is a bigger picture; a reason and purpose for why I am experiencing this, all for the benefit of either myself or others or both". Trusting that there is a "good/valid" reason for our pain/affliction/suffering, may help nurture patience and resilience in some of us.

"The most authentic thing about us is to be able to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering". (Ben Okri)

As I was swimming laps nauseous with pain, I told myself "just one more" until eventually my mind would let go of the pain and stay focused on the next stroke, then the next,.......

(There has been experiments done on whether pain is rated lower when attention is diverted that supports the hypothesis: "pain is rated lower when the subject's attention is diverted regardless of the level of anxiety experienced".)

Paul Tournier has this to say: "Acceptance of ones life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices".

 

“Never say that you can't do something, or that something seems impossible, or that something can't be done, no matter how discouraging or harrowing it may be; human beings are limited only by what we allow ourselves to be limited by: our own minds. We are each the masters of our own reality; when we become self-aware to this: absolutely anything in the world is possible."

(Mike Norton)

 

(Sometimes, when it all (life, pain, worrying, et cetera) seems a bit much, I have found a "method" that seems to be quite helpful: I give myself 30 minutes to vocalise or write down my "raw" feelings (out of earshot of anyone else); like a kid throwing a tantrum; but once the 30 minutes are up it has to stop. Somehow giving myself the permission to feel "sorry for myself " for 30 minutes every now and then, manages to renew my inner strength, patience and resilience.)

This post is for You........

 

During the hard times in the 1930's in the US, there was a doctor who relentlessly offered his services. For days on end he walked from one distraught family to the next, offering whatever he could to help people cope. His undying compassion guided his steps, and when fatigue threatened to overwhelm, he kept on going. Very few of his patients could offer him any payment for his services except for perhaps a hot drink or a warm fire to sit by, yet..... he persisted.

For all of you who choose compassion rather than indifference,

This post is for you.

 

You, who spend hours listening to people in pain,

yet never mention your own.

You, who rush to be by the bedside

when hope has all but flown.

 

You, who offer words of comfort, wisdom and care

although you feel like you're running on empty

and you've had your fair share.

 

You, who chose your words wisely as not to offend

ever conscious that tis the others need

you wish to attend.

 

You, who jump in the car in the middle of the night

no matter the distance

to offer some light.

 

You, who spend hours of reading, searching and learning,

to better understand

is your yearning.

 

You, for whom kindness, compassion and love is a must

when confronting resistance

and reluctance to trust.

 

You, who see fragilities, insecurities and fears

regardless of the pretence

or the mask someone wears.

 

You, who see the petrified, terrified, petulant child

hiding behind the adult

wearing a smile.

 

You, who roll up your sleeves when hard work is needed,

ignoring the mess,

judgements unheeded.

 

You, who get down, feel sad, but never despair,

who find wells of strength

of hope somewhere.

 

 You, who feel so tired yet sleep escapes you

in need of stillness

still peace eludes you.

 

 THANK YOU

 

Are you suffering from compassion fatigue?

A person I was speaking with said: "What's wrong with me, why am I so selfish? Why don't I care more about what happens to people, how is it that I so quickly forget about others suffering?"

(I have to confess that I have often asked myself the same question.) Why is it so difficult for some of us at times to be compassionate for others?

Perhaps the continuous bombardment of vivid images and words describing mankind's inhumanity has caused us to suffer with some form of compassion fatigue?

"Journalism analysts argue that the media has caused widespread compassion fatigue in society by saturating newspapers and news shows with often decontextualized images and stories of tragedy and suffering. This has caused the public to become cynical, or become resistant to helping people who are suffering." (Wikipedia)

What if we are becoming less caring about what happens "over there", not because we are actually less compassionate but rather because the information about what is happening is not compelling enough and is presented in such a way that we just can't connect with it?

On a smaller scale; do you have a friend/relative who always seems to get in to trouble?

Or who seem to always have something wrong with them? You have listened patiently many times, tried to come up with suggestions for how they could improve their situation, been a shoulder to cry on and so on but to no avail? Do we have an unconscious "statute of limitations" on how much compassion we invest into people?

 “We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

The thing with compassion is that it is "other" focused, its about him/her/them and not about us, but unless we somehow can emphasise with the other; feel/understand their pain; we may find within ourselves a resistance and impatience if our advice and or suggestions are not embraced.

When I was in training to become a crisis counsellor the greatest lesson I learnt was that of "active listening". Basically it involves paying attention to what the other is saying, having a mind void of other conversations; a clear mind, not interrupting but providing bite size feedback like: "I see", "go on", "uhu", paraphrasing what has been said so that the other knows that you have heard them. "This is what I heard you say, is this correct?"
Giving advice or making suggestions is not included, and although at first it was strange to not offer advice I quickly discovered how truly liberating it was to just listen. (By not concerning myself with searching for a solution I was able to focus all my attention on the other)

 “Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection - or compassionate action.” (Daniel Goleman)

Since the discovery of "mirror neurons", mirror neurons have often been hailed as a "cornerstone of human empathy, language, and other vital processes", so what are they?

A simplified example: You watch somebody hit their thumb while trying to hammer a nail, instinctively you cringe and almost feel the pain. Certain cells are activated both when we are performing an action and when we are watching somebody else performing that action, i.e. mirror neurons.

Compassion, according to the Free Dictionary is: "Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it". And therein lies the crunch; the wish to relieve it.

If our friend is suffering, we can offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, company and so on (we can offer help to relieve some of the pain), but what about when we hear of 25.000 refugees in tents with no clean water or food, or other disasters in far off places?

How do we help relieve their suffering? Knowing about it and feeling powerless to affect any change, we may experience "compassion fatigue" and chose consciously or unconsciously to "put it out of our minds" or we may chose to investigate what and if there is something we can do.

"True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar; it comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring. ”  (Martin Luther King Jr.)

What about survival of the fittest? Isn't that how it works?

"Survival of the fittest" is often attributed to Charles Darwin, but the phrase was actually coined by Herbert Spencer and Social Darwinists who had their own agenda wishing to justify class and race superiority. (see Dacher Keltner, a professor of psychology at University of California, Berkeley )  Darwin's work is perhaps better described with the phrase "survival of the kindest". He writes that "communities which included the greatest number of the most sympathetic members would flourish best, and rear the greatest number of offspring". ("Selection in Relation to Sex")

 “Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquillity and happiness we all seek.” (Dalai Lama)

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” (Albert Einstein)

Compassion has a most amazing side effect:  the more compassionate we are to others the more our own feelings of wellness increase.

If you feel like you are running on empty as far as compassion is concerned, perhaps it could be helpful to take some time out and remember all the times compassion has been offered to you.

 

“It's not at all hard to understand a person; it's only hard to listen without bias.” (Criss Jami)

 (about the graphite drawing: Martin Luther King Jr. and L B Johnson ponder the situation)

Worrying may be natural but it aint helpful...

How are we treating our planet? Not very good it seems because the News are constantly informing us of the "bad" stuff. How are we treating each other? Not very good it seems because the News are constantly informing us of all the things "bad" people do.

No wonder so many of us are worried; there's a lot of "bad" stuff happening all the time, all over the world and in our neighbourhoods.

Statistics supports this, but for some of us, it can become overwhelming and like a thick mist it may infiltrate and engulf our beings even unto the core of us.

"Worry not about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself; each day has enough trouble on its own".

Easier said than done. There was a time in my life when I used have great troubles in falling asleep. I would toss and turn for hours, eventually my partner got sick of it and said: "What time is it? Three am. Okay, what can you do about whatever you are worrying about right now, this minute?"

"Nothing", I answered. "Okay then, when can you do something about it?" my partner asked.

"Tomorrow", I said. "Right, then what is the point in worrying about it now when nothing can be done? Knowing that right now, you can do nothing, but tomorrow you can, .....let it go", and strangely enough those words spoken by my partner stopped my tossing and turning dead in the tracks and it has helped me immensely ever since.

Some of us are better at switching off troubling thoughts than others, of compartmentalising what we can do something about and what we can't. There is a saying: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Perhaps it can be rephrased: Endeavour to accept the things you can't change, seek the courage to change the things you can, and learn to understand; gain wisdom; so as to know the difference.

Some of us worry about the melting ice caps, pollution, food shortages, climate change, wars and famines, the economy, and the list goes on and on. Worrying about something at times may feel like we are actually doing something, in essence however, we are not. If on the other hand when we are worried we compartmentalise what we are worried about into what we can do something about and what we can't, then we can perhaps let go of some of the things we worry about.

An example: Every year newborn turtles begin their long walk towards the ocean but many are killed on their way to the water by predators. A man watches a woman as she picks up one little turtle at the time and brings it to the water. "What does it matter, most of them are going to die anyway", he says to the woman. "Well, it matters to this one", she answers. We deal with things that concerns us in many different ways. Some of us get actively involved with the issues most important to us, some of us donate money to organisations, some of us volunteer to assist, some of us educate ourselves on topics that are close to our hearts, some of us use art to communicate our emotions on different events/issues, some of us help when we can and where we can.

Perhaps some of us are focused primarily on our own lives, our day to day goings-on and leave the worrying to others, other of us perhaps seek solace and peace from the world in closed environments, we are all different.

Right now a lab somewhere is developing algae and bacteria that will consume greenhouse gases and metabolize the oil that dirties the surface of every ocean. Someone else is working around the clock to develop alternatives to fossil fuels. Others have taken on the role of job creators, micro financiers in the developing world, and green activists.

Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/intentchopra/2010/06/how-to-stop-worrying-and-love.html#ixzz2ygG0CqG5

Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/intentchopra/2010/06/how-to-stop-worrying-and-love.html#SZUP06zG1o7MhUcb.99

If you are finding that the news are getting you down, perhaps you can turn them off now and then?

"Societies become modern when news replaces religion as our central source of guidance and our touchstone of authority", so wrote the philosopher Hegel. One may ponder whether perhaps the news now occupies a position of power almost equal to the position that "faiths" used to have?

Since the news often tend to be of the dramatic and of the "bad" variety one may wonder if anything good happens. Let me offer some: Right now there is a lab that is developing algae and bacteria that will consume greenhouse gases and metabolise oil that dirties every surface of every ocean, there are people working non-stop to develop an alternative to fossil fuel, there are people working on cures for many diseases, there are people working on software for people with no motor function to be able to use their brain to be able to move with the help of robotics, there are new discoveries in medicine made everywhere everyday,........

Perhaps it may be helpful to limit the amount of news one watches and balance it with going on line and finding some good news? Not to mention all the beauty and wonder that greets us every morning when the sun comes up and in the evening, when it goes down. Instead of watching the news sometimes perhaps instead watch one of Attenborough's many amazing documentaries?
It can be hard to be positive in a world with news that spews out one disaster after the other but

ignores the amazing, the beautiful, the miraculous, the wondrous, the breathtaking.

At the bottom of worry lies fear, and fear offers no comfort only more fear, instead of worrying perhaps remember this:  Endeavour to accept the things you can't change, seek the courage to change the things you can, and learn to understand; gain wisdom; so as to know the difference.

 

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”  (Corrie ten Boom)

 

Searching for hope.......

 

“Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.” (Emily Dickinson)

Hope says: "But what if, maybe, perhaps, it could happen, it entertains the possibility in spite of  obstacles". Sometimes the term "all hope was lost" is used; could that mean that we first had some but we lost it, could it mean that for a human being to hope is a default position, could it mean that hope always abounds and we just have to find it, is hope in our DNA?

Searching for definitions of hope it dawned on me that most of them had something to do with expectations, objects, or activities in the future. Hope, it seems, looks forward. Often hope is defined as a feeling/emotion, but is hope really a feeling or is it possible that hope is also a cognitive process (thinking process)?

Feelings at times can be very difficult to understand and or control, whereas how or the way we think, we can dissect, analyse and affect. Perhaps we can train ourselves to be more hopeful by thinking more hopeful thoughts?

Maybe at this time it would be good to talk about the opposite of hope; hopelessness.

If hope looks forward does hopelessness look backwards?

"It will not work, it hasn't so far, he/she will leave because that's what happened last time, I didn't succeed last time and I probably wont this time either, I tried to quit but couldn't manage it why should it be any different this time," and so on.

Perhaps hopelessness, like hope, is the result of how we think about things?

If we think that we are alienated, powerless, helpless, crushed, untalented/skilled, under valued, that the planet is doomed etc. chances are that we will feel/experience hopelessness.

If we are experiencing hopelessness, it can be helpful to get out of our heads and question whether our "inner reality" is really a true reflection of the outside world because

often the information that we stick to, or is attracted to, is information that verifies our opinions; selection bias, confirmation bias, focusing effect, hind-sight-bias, to mention a few. (Basically we ignore the "good" news and only remember the "bad". You can read more about this in the post titled "You want change? Change perspective")

People die every day but people are also born, people get sick every day but people are also healed, there are people starving every day but there are also people feed, there are people getting divorced every day but there are also people getting married, there are people losing jobs everyday but there are also people finding jobs, and so on......Hope as far as I see it, is not unrealistic optimism, or "false", or using "rose-coloured" glasses, or ignoring the "bad stuff", hope is like love.....essential for the co-existence of living beings. And like love, hope is very hard to define specifically, but like with love, its transformative quality can be seen generally.

Would you like to feel more hopeful? Try this.

Turn it off.

It? The 24/7 News, the negative self-talk in your head, the regurgitation of all the things you did wrong or could have done better, or catastrophizing about the future.

Replace with.

Set goals, remember all the times when what you hoped for came true, watch funny movies as well as some news, seek out positive developments in science and medicine, find things you are grateful for, spend time with people who have a hopeful attitude.

Hope is like a muscle; the more you use it the stronger it becomes.

Hope is like chewing gum; it sticks and it stretches.

Hope is like love; its limitless.

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start  any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down."

(Mary Pickford)

 

Although at times perhaps exhausting, hope is the antidote to despair.

 

You want change? Change perspective.......

When we are focused, we direct all our attention and energy to that which we are focused on, which often is very helpful, however, at times it may be less helpful and more of a stumbling block.

For a person wanting to perfect a skill, staying focused is necessary, for anybody involved in any difficult or complicated operation, staying focused at the issue at hand is essential. (Although even a simple task as threading a needle still requires focused attention.) 

My use of the term focus in this post is to liken it to a telescope; what is outside of the centre of focus is "blurred" and virtually non-existent to the person with the telescope.

Sometimes we can become so focused on what we want that we don't see or appreciate what we already have, we can become so focused on past experiences that we don't recognise what we are experiencing right now.

Have you heard of the term Rumination? A quick definition: "compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of ones distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions."

Extensive research on the effects of rumination(negative rumination, dwelling on past negative experiences) show that it affects our ability to problem-solve.  When we ruminate we tend to focus on the "bad" stuff that happened and  the "good" stuff happening right now remains blurred and out of focus.

Some of you may say at this point: "But there was no good stuff, it was all bad!" which brings me to the subject of "shifting focus".

"The man complained of having no shoes until he met a man with no feet." If we ruminate, we often tend to ask ourselves abstract questions such as: "Why me? Why do these things always happen to me? What's wrong with me? Why is coping so hard for me?"...and so on. At times when friends offer suggestions of possible solutions, a ruminator often responds with: "There's no point, Why? Nobody cares any way, it doesn't matter, nothing matters", and so on.

When we ruminate; replaying in our heads situations and feelings from the past over and over with no chance of changing the actual outcome(we can only change how we view the situation); we can become stuck in a cycle of feelings of hopelessness, sadness and or a sense of powerlessness.

Ruminating often has a tendency to make that which we ruminate over seem more and more true with the consequence of leaving us less and less room for reinterpreting our experience of those events/situation/feelings.

If we shift our focus from "replay" and instead ask ourselves what we can learn from our past experiences that we can use to improve our current situation, we may be able to brake the rumination cycle.

Being in a constant "replay" mode we are not able to live in the present, which may prevent us from being able to actually experience what is happening to and in us this very moment. When I was a kid I was severely bullied through many of my school years; (many people share that experience) but I decided to leave that in the past because it happened and no matter how unfair or mean spirited it was, life and living takes place in the moment so reliving or obsessing over it, I regarded as pointless. My focus instead was on becoming a musician so my "now" was jam-packed with learning, practising, and studying music i.e....I chose to focus on what I could do rather than what couldn't be changed.

To shift focus we may need to replace some of our thinking habits and we can begin by asking ourselves: "Is this a fact or an opinion?"

Do I have a mental filter? Am I seeing things thru the lens of pessimism and negativity?

Am I engaging in mindreading, believing that I know what others think?

Do I compare myself to others and always somehow fall short?

Do I hold myself at blame for things regardless of whether I am or not?

Do I tend to make mountains out of molehills; exaggerating the negatives and downplaying the positives?

Just because something feels real, does that actually make it real?
Do I make snap value judgements rather than considering the possibility that there are other ways to view xxx that are equally warranted?

The Dalai Lama has this to say: “The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful.”

Easier said than done perhaps, but "every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" Confucius says.

So, lets begin.

Step 1. Look for positives

        Step 2.  Count your "blessings" (good health, good friends, good hair, etc.)

Step 3. Acknowledge your strengths (everyone has some)

Step 4. Bad things happens to almost everybody, rather than dwelling on them, learn something positive from them

Step 5. Live in the now, "wherever you are be there", not in the past or in the future, life only happens now; the past is gone and the future isn't here yet.

Think of a kaleidoscope; every time you twist/move it, a new image appears, the same bits just arranged differently.

"When you focus on problems, you gain more problems...when you focus on possibilities, you gain more opportunities." (Nishan Panwar)