The other day I was asked by my son: "Why do people fear being alone so much that rather than leaving, they stay in relationships that no longer offer anything but arguments and heartache?"
A good question.
Is being on our own so bad that we rather stay in a dysfunctional relationship than go it alone?
Thing is, a lot of the time even if it is a dysfunctional relationship, it's our dysfunctional relationship and we may have all sorts of valid(in our opinion) reasons for not leaving.
"I can't leave because I made a commitment, I can't afford it, I have never lived on my own, we don't do such in my family, if we split up it will hurt the kids", and so on.
At times the change may seem more painful than staying...."better the devil you know.."
I used all the above reasons to explain to myself and others why I stayed in a marriage that almost killed me.
Every time I thought deeply of "hitting the road", fear of loneliness and the unknown would grab me by the throat and send me scurrying back to a loveless, passionless and dysfunctional marriage.
I have never felt so alone as I did when I was married.
(Which now, 15 years later, seems like an oxymoron, since I have never felt that alone again since leaving and fending for myself.)
Some suggest that we stay because we fear loneliness, and we fear loneliness because we don't know who our true selves are.
Until we can learn to enjoy our own company, we may find ourselves becoming involved in relationships just to avoid feeling lonely, and such relationships research suggest, are built on fear and not mutual affection.
My son suggested that we are encouraged by society and culture to be "with" someone and to not go it alone; at a certain age one is expected to be in a relationship and choosing not to do so is often regarded as peculiar, strange.....i.e.; "what's wrong with him/her"?
Perhaps we worry what others may think of us.
"If I prefer to stay single, will others view me as a loner? If I don't date, will I be considered to be anti-social or just plain weird?"
There seem to be a flurry of advice on how to start relationships, how to date, how to get on to sites on the net to get hooked up on, and so on, which may reinforce the notion that to be in a relationship is the "right thing" to do. Which for many of us may be the case, but with the divorce rate being so high perhaps we may benefit from asking ourselves before we get involved if we are doing so because we don't want to be alone or because we have found a genuine connection with someone.
There can be many different reasons for "hitting the road": sometimes people just grow apart, sometimes one person wants change the other does not, sometimes there are financial reasons, health reasons, perhaps even reasons hard to pinpoint.......
"Prevention is better than cure," wrote Desiderius Erasmus.
Before we become too involved in a relationship perhaps it would serve us to ask ourselves a few questions?
Is good enough, really good enough? Do I have a desire to change him/her? He/she says he loves me...I don't want to hurt him so I'll just go along, do we have common interests, do we have compatible belief systems, and so on and so on.
In the midst of a whirlwind romance it can be tempting to toss all precaution to the wind and just go with, "I don't care about that stuff, I just love him/her" only to discover six months later that you basically don't have much in common and your friends don't either.
Or
you just want somebody, anybody, in your life so you don't have to feel so lonely.
To find someone to connect with on a deeper level is awesome, to love and be loved in return; a gift, to shoulder the responsibility of being a human being together with someone with whom you have a deep connection and a profound love; one of life's purposes.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (From the Bible, the 1st Corinthian Letter chapter 13 verse 4-7)
If you have exhausted all your options, tried everything you can think of to make a relationship work but it is still broken, perhaps it is time to hit the road....as long as you are certain beyond any doubt that you also leave behind you bitterness, anger, and or regrets.
When is it time to leave, to hit the road? (In my opinion)
When you feel lonelier in the relationship than being on your own.
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