I just want to belong.........

 

Most of us would like to be well liked, appreciated and included.

Belonging, some say, is one of our most basic needs.

Question is; why does it seem so easy for some to make friends and become included when for some of us it is so hard?

Dale Carnegie pondered this and wrote "How to Win Friends and Influence People", a book which has become one of the best-selling self-help books ever published. It has sold over 15  million copies world wide. A few samples:  “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” 

“Talk to someone about themselves and they'll listen for hours.”

“......arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

Perhaps this is a good time to consider the terms "extrovert" and "introvert".

An extroverted person's source of energy comes from the interaction with others, and an introverted person's source of energy comes from within him/herself. In basic terms; introverts need solitude in order to recharge, while extroverts draw energy from socialising, although most of us probably would consider ourselves "ambiverts"....a bit of both depending on the situation and conditions.

(Quick check to ascertain for yourself where you fit: does being on your own mostly energise or "flatten" you? How do you "recharge"?)

Of course, most of us are a bit of both, but in general we tend to be more of one or the other.

Do you find it easy to strike up a conversation with someone new to you, do you enjoy small talk, do you feel a "buzz" doing group activities, for instance? Chances are you belong with the extroverts. An extrovert's view is mostly outward and so being around and with people feels more comfortable than solitude. If you find it quite exhausting being around people, challenging to start a conversation with a stranger, and disliking chit-chatting....then you probably belong to the introverted.

Why does this matter?

If you are mostly an introvert, then doing what comes "naturally" to an extrovert, may present itself more of a challenge and as less natural to you; it may require a change of behaviour pattern.

Perhaps it can be helpful if we ask ourselves what kind of friendships we seek, what kind of groups we want to belong to, and what social activities we want to be involved with.

(Is how many friends we have more important than what kind of friends?

Is it more important to us to be involved in many group activities rather than a few select ones?

Is it more important to fit in as many social activities as possible rather than only those that we feel very passionate about?)

Labels apart; if we desire more friendships, more socialising, more social activities....we may have to consider how we interact with others and if there is perhaps room for change.

Outgoing people (often called extroverts) often strike up conversations in all sorts of situations; in waiting rooms, airport terminals, elevators, queues of any kind, any communal space, and so on.

Less outgoing people may find that difficult, perhaps even intrusive, and not an option.

If this is you, then perhaps joining a club, a hobby group, an organisation, may be considered a better option. The common denominator for establishing any friendship is a shared interest, whether we find it joining a group or striking up a conversation with a stranger in a doctors waiting room.

If you are seeking more involvement in social activities discern for yourself which ones matter most. If you are involved in so many social activities you find you are running out of time, then perhaps stick only with those that matter the most.

If we desire more "lone time", time to reflect, and less "doings", we may have to consider how we can do so without perhaps feeling we are letting others or ourselves down.

If we desire to establish new friendships, we may have to consider spending less "lone time" and more time on connecting with others.

Most of us desire to belong somewhere, with somebody, to something, which may require from us to define what somewhere, somebody, something, ..... actually is.

(It is easier to score a goal if the goalposts are not moving....:)

What kind of friend are you looking for? What kind of group do you want to belong to?

What kind of social activity would you like to take part in?

Or, if there is too much on your calendar; who are your most important friends, what group can you do without, which social activity matters the most to you?

As friendships are concerned some smart person said this: "the best way to find a friend is to be one".

So what is a good friend?

 

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . ." (C. S Lewis) 

 

 “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” (Henri J.M. Noewen)

 

All things worthwhile require effort.

All things alive require nourishment.

All things familiar was once unfamiliar.