Why did I do that? If I only could take it all back....

 

 "Oh man, I shouldn't have done that", he mutters under his breath as the sunlight penetrates the drawn curtains and the jackhammer in his head pries loose bits of his brain."

"As soon as she said it, she knew she shouldn't have done so, yet she remained silent." 

"As he drove away he knew that he should have stayed and made sure she was safe, yet he keep on driving."

 

Why do we do things we don't want to do, and the things we want to do, we don't do?

And then when we have done what we didn't really want to do, why do we find it so hard to undo them?

We may want to be "angels", but some how we behave like "trolls". Put another way: why do we do "bad" things when our intention is to do "good"? Bad, as in hurtful to others and/or one self, and good, as in kind/generous/loving to others and/or one self.

Personally I believe there are many plausible reasons but in this blog I am only going to focus on one: the ego.

Definition of Ego: "The self, as distinct from the world and other selves, a persons sense of self-esteem and self-importance, pride about oneself."

(For those interested in the deeper aspects, According to Freud, the ego is the part of personality that helps us deal with reality by mediating between the demands of the id, superego, and the environment.)

Commonly, anything to do with the ego is often viewed as a trait more on the negative rather than the positive side; egotistical=someone who thinks they are the best and are never wrong(urban dictionary)egocentric=the ego is the centre, object and norm of all experience.

I have been fascinated all my life by the fact that children don't seem to have to be taught how to be ego-focused. From the get-go it appears, they will instinctively hold on to their rattle(whatever toy)and any attempt by some other child to have a turn is often met with a stern NO! or pulling the toy closer to themselves. Like Golem caressing the "Precious", it appears we caress our egos. The ego is very strong, it has power, and at times we may find ourselves under its spell.

Someone parks their car in "our" spot, how dare they? Someone cuts in line at the grocery store, the audacity! Someone eats our last bit of chocolate, the nerve! Someone else gets the promotion we worked so hard for, how unfair!

We have very strong feelings about what is ours, be it material possessions or relationships and infringements often incur intense emotional reactions. We may view ourselves as open minded and generous, tolerant and accepting, only to find ourselves challenged when someone tries to have a go with our "rattle". Before we know it, and sometimes we may be just as perplexed by our outburst as others, we snatch back the "rattle" and all intentions of "sharing" are gone.

Intellectually we may conclude that what we did was very childish, stupid, and egotistical, yet at the same time we don't seem to be able to alter our behaviour, .......the ego has us spellbound.

Why is it at times so hard to say sorry? To say I was wrong? To say I shouldn't have done that?

Some of us may find it easier than others, but most of us find it difficult to say: "I was wrong, I am sorry."

Where does the resistance come from? Is there a Golem inside of each of us protecting our precious ego?

  Even when we know we did something wrong/bad, we often experience resistance to admitting to such. "Okay, I was wrong, but......", "I realise that now, but....."You're right, but....."
According to M. Scott Peck, we experience resistance because more than anything else, we humans want to be right, and to admit to being wrong diminishes our sense of self. (The ego part)
 So here we are, we did something, said something, we knew was hurtful to the other yet we still did/said it.

Can we take it all back? Unless our lives has a "do-over-button", no we can't, but there are other things we can do because  we have a choice in the matter of how much we listen to our egos.

There will probably always be times in our lives when our emotions will get the better of us, when listening to the ego seems to make more sense than to our conscience(inner self), but we can put up a fight.

One of the amazing aspects of ignoring the ego and listening to the inner self (who seeks to do no harm), is that when we do "good" we feel good, which in turn helps us to ignore the seductive whispers of the ego.

(The ego may whisper to love yourself (me, me, me) excessively and foremost, that greed is good, and that being overambitious is just another word for being focused.)

The inner self, (True Self) however, knows that there are opportunities for growth, healing and evolution presented in both painful and joyful experiences.

 

"After the ego has perished,
the true self rises from its dust
like desert flowers
after spring showers
have swept across arid plains."

(The Tao is Tao, 21)

 

Even though we can not take back "bad" things said or done, we can mend.

We can learn. We can change. We can apologise. We can forgive.

We can try again.

 

"The wise are wary of words,
which corrupt rather than cure.
They know
verbosity
is the obesity of the ego,
the symptom of ignorance."

(The Tao is Tao, 93)

 

(about the painting: "The ego is no angel")