Most of us probably feel that we can handle our own issues, problems and difficult situations, sometimes though,...we may benefit from asking for help.
Asking for help for some can be experienced as a sign of dependence, weakness, lack of inner strength, inability to shoulder ones responsibilities, poor coping skills.
When we speak of to help, the definition in the Free Online Dictionary defines it as; to give assistance, aid, support.
While shifting an upright piano with a friend, he lost his footing. Suddenly I had the whole weight of the piano on my right foot. So I cried out: "Help!!! get the piano of my foot, it's crushing it!" I could not lift the piano off my foot alone, so to ask for help in this situation caused no moral or emotional dilemma.
In some circumstances/situations, to ask for help is a straight forward request and has no subtext or undertones.
Someone falls down, asking for help to get up most of us would consider void of moral implications. Asking for help with road directions, locations, what time it is, where the nearest toilet is, help with lifting something heavy, etc. I would also view as being without moral implications.
What if someone asks for help because: they are lonely, confused, conflicted, depressed, going through a divorce, lost their partner, lost their job, has a life-threatening illness, has a mental health issue, has a drug issue, etc.?
What if we are the ones who are afflicted with any of these issues?
When I was in training for crisis counselling, we had to do all-niters at a call-centre receiving many, many phone calls from people asking for help. These were anonymous callers, and we were anonymous counsellors.
More often than not, the callers began with: "Please, can you help me I have problems with.......or.....I have never called before but I need help."
Do we find it easier to ask for help from a stranger than friends and family?
Does asking for help undermine our sense of independence, our ability to cope, is it a sign of weakness?
If we view it as a sign of weakness, then why?
"If I ask for help, they may think less of me." If I ask for help I may seem vulnerable and incapable." "If I ask for help the other/s may use it against me."
"If I ask for help I will seem incompetent in handling my own affairs."
Self-sufficiency is highly regarded and asking for help may be viewed as a lack thereof so we often choose not to ask for help, but human beings are social creatures, we may consider ourselves as highly independent, but we still all belong somewhere, we all function in a social context with others, we are interdependent.
If the car does not work, we get help fixing it from a car mechanic.(Unless one is one) If we brake our leg, we get help from a doctor. If the house needs repainting, we get help from a painter. If a tooth starts to hurt, we get help from a dentist and so on. Independent as we may be, most of us do not do our own surgery, repair our own computers, build our own houses, pull our own teeth, grow our own food, etc.
What do we do when our hearts are broken, our souls need mending and our minds are fractured?
Most of the callers issues calling the helpline/call centre fell into the above broad categories, but perhaps the issues can be narrowed down even more into: "why doesn't anyone love me, what is so wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? I need help, but I don't know where to go."
There is no stigma attached to going to a doctor for a broken leg, but how do we view going to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor for a "broken heart/mind"? Most of us are not doctors, so when our bodies are not functioning properly we seek a doctors advice and help, but are we equally eager to seek the assistance and help from "mind/soul/heart doctors" (psychiatrists/psychologists) when our emotions/thoughts baffle and confuse us?
I hope so.
Most of us perhaps think that we should be able to cope alone, that we can manage on our own, the heroes in the movies certainly seem to do so, but even Batman had his Robin, Superman his Lois and Jimmy, John Lennon his Paul McCartney.
According to some research, one of the reasons Neanderthal Man did not survive as a species was due to a lack of a congenial social arrangement; i.e. "didn't play well with others", homo sapiens on the other hand flourished because they did. Helping each other procured their survival.
"When I studied music at Music School, I met a very talented musician. Barely out of his teen's, he played the saxophone like he was born with it in his hand. From a background of actors/performers and musicians/composers, we all thought he was destined for success. He improvised flawlessly, we were all spellbound by his tone, his big sound and incredible melodic sense. But he was very anxious and restless, so to compensate he began to drink,.... lots.....and often. Classes became boring to HP, totally uninteresting so he joined a band. He started touring,... then he started drugs as well as drinking.....then he dropped out of Music School altogether...... Then he disappeared. Three years later I finished my studies and began working in a Jazz Night Club as a bar manager. HP suddenly showed up and asked for a job as a bartender. He was in a mess, so I gave him a job.
He needed help. He did not want any. I left the Night Club a year later and flew to Australia where I live today.
The last time I was back in Sweden, I asked about HP. According to Steve, HP no longer existed, rather what was left of him was a shell of a man, a homeless man, possessed by one thought only: where to get his next drink from.
I wish he would have asked for help."
Asking for help can be viewed as strength; it takes a strong person to accept his/her own weaknesses.
Asking for help can be viewed as giving; we give our trust, our confidence to another.
Asking for help can be viewed as learning; by conceding to not being "all-knowing", we are open to learn new ways of coping/understanding events and experiences that are causing us concern and/or confusion.
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself." (Harvey Fierstein)
"Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.” (Anne Wilson Schaef)
A boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone.
His father came along just then.
Noting the boy’s failure, he asked, “Are you using all your strength?”
“Yes, I am,” the boy said impatiently.
“No, you are not,” the father answered.
“I am right here just waiting, and you haven’t asked me to help you.”
- Anon
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