"That's what you said," he exclaims.
"No, it isn't!" she responds.
"Don't lie, I heard you," he answers.
"You never hear what I say", she says quietly and walks away.
Through language; talking; (I am excluding writing language at the moment) we communicate with each other and one could perhaps say: "Yeah, and so....?"
Is it as easy as an exchange of words, information? Is communication the same as speaking?
Some definitions perhaps:
Speaking/talking = an oral projection of someone's voice; one does not need a listener to speak/talk, it can be done regardless.
Communication = we can communicate using the spoken or written word, it can be done with hand gestures, body language, or images, and for visually impaired people it can be done through Braille.
Communication comes from the Latin word "communis" which means to share, so basically it is an interactive exercise.
Some common sayings: "They were speaking at crossed purposes", "Speaking to oneself", "It's easy to do the talk, can you do the walk?" "It's easier to say what you mean than to mean what you say"......and so on.
Communication theory suggests that communication involves a sender and receiver conveying information through a communication channel. (Visual, oral or non-verbal)
The optimal outcome is understanding. An example:
Have you ever watched a baby with a rattle? The baby throws it, you pick it up, immediately the baby throws it again, you pick it up, etc. etc. etc. Is the baby missing the point? Is the baby making a point? Is the point the throwing and subsequent picking-up? Is the baby communicating?
So the baby is the sender, you are the receiver, the rattle throwing/picking up, is the message.
But what does it all mean? Why does the baby keep throwing away the rattle?
What is the meaning of the message?
The sender encodes the message/information, into a form that is appropriate, and the receiver decodes it in order to understand the meaning.
The baby throws the rattle, you pick it up. The baby is amused and feels connected to you, so the rattle is thrown again.
It becomes a "game", a communication between the baby and you, you understand each other.
Talking/speaking, is a primary way us humans use to establish, maintain, monitor and adjust our relationships.
However, words, can be very ambiguous, and although we may think we are very clear when we speak, there can be many misunderstandings because words can have so many different meanings to different people. A table can be a piece of furniture but it can also be a mathematical term as in multiplication table. Funny comical or funny peculiar, hot as in looks or in temperature, bored as in uninterested or drilled, etc. etc.
"You look funny, what's happening?" she says.
"What do you mean with funny, do you mean I look strange or what do you mean?" he asks.
"Forget it," she answers.
Often we assume that others meaning is the same as ours, that our interpretation of the message is the same as the receivers. The sender: Message: "You look funny". Meaning = you look whimsical. Receiver: "I look funny". Meaning = I look strange.
When we say something, we may experience that as just talking, but what we say and how we say it are chosen from a lot of possibilities. The tone of voice, the body language, the choice of words, the volume.
Some people use gestures when they speak, some people like to move about, some people speak animatedly, some people speak softly others loudly, some people speak with few breaks in between sentences, some with long pauses, etc. etc.
On top of this there are also differences between different countries, cultures, ethnicity's, socio-economical backgrounds, regions and so on.
Some suggest that "Western" (not the cowboy type) men (other cultures may differ) prefer to exchange information, to not "beat around the bush, get to the nitty-gritty", i;e information is more important than the "meta-message"; the subtext/meaning. Stereotypically women are portrayed as talking at length without conveying any significant information (not my opinion!), yet women's ability to keep "talking", communicating, aids in establishing and keeping close friendships. Richard Cohen, a columnist at The Washington Post, observed that he and other men he knows only speak to each other if they feel they have something substantive to speak of, and as a result of this, many men may find themselves without personal contacts when they retire. If a person concludes that only conversation of the information kind has any real value, then that attitude/view will affect his/her relationship with other people. We need to get close to each other to have a sense of community, but to be independent beings, we also need distance. We use communication to keep the balance. This is an ongoing pursuit: we balance independence and involvement, freedom and security, what we know with what we don't know.
Language with all its imperfections, is one of the tools we use to make sense of ours, and others world.
When we speak we are the sender, those we speak with, are the receivers, what we speak of, is the message.......but how the message is understood, is determined by the meaning the receiver applies to the message.
Sender: "Would you like to meet up for coffee later?"
The message according to the sender is a request for a some time with the receiver to have a coffee and chat.
Receiver's possible interpretations: He/she wants to have a chat over a coffee
He/she has something to tell me in private.
He/she is interested in me on a personal level.
Of course, the receiver could also ask the sender: "Is there any particular reason on your mind?"
Asking for clarification if something seems ambiguous can be very helpful.
"When you said that, what did you mean"?
"I'm not sure I understand what you mean, can you please explain"?
"What does that word ..xyx....mean to you?"
The message and the meaning are two very separate aspects. If the message is mainly information as in: How many? So many, Where?, there, etc. etc. then there is less room for error or misinterpretations, but exchanging only information is not very effective in creating connections with others, or maintaining personal relationships.
Often we assume that what we feel in reaction to a message, is what they (the senders) wanted us to feel; I feel overpowered=he/she wants me to feel that way, I feel disrespected=he/she wants me to feel that way, I feel angry=he/she wants me to feel that way. Before we assume or jump to any conclusion, perhaps we would benefit more from just asking
for clarification, for the sender to explain their meaning to the message?
When we speak to each other face to face, we can see the others facial expressions, hear their intonations, watch their body language, sense their presence, and yet we often misunderstand each other.
"I'm a great believer that any tool that enhances communication has profound effects in terms of how people can learn from each other, and how they can achieve the kind of freedoms that they're interested in." (Bill Gates)
"To effectively communicate, we must realise that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others." (Tony Robbins)
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