And then there was nothing.........no angry voices.......no accusing eyes......no tears....... no "toing-and-froing"....no sounds........even time seemed to have stopped. This was the beginning.
First we probably tried denial. "Nothing is going to happen, everything is fine." "We've been through worse than this and it all got sorted." "I don't want to think about it."
All over this blue and green planet there are some of us for which time has stopped at some point or another. That which we feared most of all.......happened.
A child died, a best friend lost his battle with addiction, a partner found someone else, a marriage ended, a war broke out, drought swept the land, fire ravaged the farm, water raised its voice and reclaimed some of its earlier territories, a drunk driver lost control and his vehicle became a weapon of mass destruction, a brother/sister lost his/her battle with illness and ended his/her life, and so the list goes on. Denial is used by many of us as a first line of defence against the unmentionables; the loss of a loved ones, the loss of ones home, ones job, ones mind, ones heart.
Albeit that denial can be used as a buffer for awhile, eventually most of us will find it lacking as a coping strategy.
Next we try anger. We may rage against the diagnosis, the injustice, the drunk driver, the crazy person with the gun, against nature, against GOD(whoever or whatever we perceive GOD to be), against drugs, crime, against despots, the randomness of life and death, against apathy, indifference and alienation; we rage against the machine. Anger is a powerful emotion, it can help us stay abreast of other emotions, it can motivate us into action, to climb the "barricades" and demand justice and fairness for all, for new research, better medications, better care and so on.
Anger can help us suppress nagging questions and keep the very persistent "but why?" at bay in order for us to instead concentrate our attention on who to blame. So some of us blame ourselves, some of us blame others, some blame society, some the "faceless men" etc. Although anger has its points,......it takes its toll on us, our family and friends.
Eventually we move on to bargaining.
We look for compromises. "Let's not brake up, surely we can find a compromise?"......"Maybe we should see another doctor, maybe there's another medication"?...... "Maybe if I go back and speak with the boss I can get my job back?"
"Let's stay friends?"....."Maybe if I could just understand why this happened, I could find a new solution?"
Perhaps we add some guilt: "If I would have only...xyx, then...?"..."I should have, could have....."
While we are bargaining, we are still clinging on to a false hope that we may be able to change the outcome, but eventually we realize that we can't.
Enter depression.
"What's the point?" may likely become a well used mantra.(favourite catch phrase) Denial didn't work, neither did anger or bargaining, so what's left? For many of us what is left is profound sadness: "Who cares, why bother, what difference does it make"; phrases that at this point seem to make a lot of sense.
Perhaps silence may have become preferable? Words have lost their meaning, we may not be able to manage any interest for others and prefer to be alone. We could possibly find ourselves overwhelmed by emotions, tears, and incessant crying mixed with numbness. However, the "Why" ................has slowly begun to loose it's power.
Suddenly the struggle stops.
Or so it seems. (We are all different)
We have arrived at acceptance.
"Then one morning, he saw the sun again. He heard music, children's laughter; he heard life, and then he took a deep breath. The sadness still hung in the air like a heavy mist, but carefully and with determination, he allowed himself to take a life affirming breath, one after the other, and then......he exhaled."
Arriving at acceptance, we no longer seek to alter, embroider, sugar coat, minimise or maximise our/the situation.
Albeit somewhat wobbly for some of us, we are ready to do the work of moving forward.
(The concept of acceptance is closely related to the Latin word "acquiescere" which means to "rest in".)
According toWikipedia: "Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognising a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit."
Having experienced a divorce and the loss of a brother and a number of very good friends, I have lived through these different stages a number of times myself.
E. Tolle writes in his book "The Power of Now" this about acceptance: "a "this is it" response to anything occurring in any moment of life. There, strength and serenity are available when one stops struggling to resist, or hang on to tightly to what is so in any given moment."
With acceptance there is an opportunity to experience a sense of relief; one may not agree with a certain situation/points of views, but that is not necessary in order to accept it. Ageing happens, we may not like it, but it will happen to us.
Cosmetics industries may prefer us not to accept it or else they may loose huge profits, but eventually there are no amounts of cutting or slicing, cremes or magic potions that will stop humans from ageing.
If we try, we may find the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, change the things we cannot accept, and develop the wisdom to know the difference. (My interpretation of the Serenity prayer)
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” (Lao Tzu)
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” (Lao Tzu)
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