Coping strategies.
We all have them, question may be what we do when they no longer work.
A coping strategy is basically a behaviour which helps us cope/function better in different situations.
We use our coping strategies to manage our personal and interpersonal relationships, to handle stress, our emotions, or conflicts. The nature of our coping responses are mix of personality, environmental factors and stressors, and social context.
Example: When it rains we use an umbrella to cope with the rain; the umbrella can be viewed as our coping strategy/tool.
The umbrella prevents us from getting wet, and even if it just looks like it is going to rain we may still prefer to have it on hand just in case; the purpose of the umbrella being that of protection.
It has been suggested that there are three main types of coping strategies:
Problem-focused > Emotion focused
Engagement > Disengagement
Cognitive(thinking) > Behavioural
Wayne Weiten ( a graduate of Bradley University, received his Ph.D. in social psychology from the University of Illinois, Chicago in 1981) in his psychology textbook provides following summary:
"Three broad areas such as: adaptive cognitive focus=appraisal focus, problem focus=coping behaviour directed at reducing/eliminating a stressor, emotion focus=directed towards changing ones own responses to a stressor."
All these strategies may work well, on their own or mixed together, and commonly they change over time.
What happens when none of our strategies seem to work any more?
Like in the painting, the umbrella(our coping strategy) is turned inside out and no longer protects us because the" wind" is too strong, then what?
We may appraise the situation and consider that we perhaps need to modify or change our thinking, our behaviour, our emotional responses which in turn may lead us to consider that we may have to "let go".
But isn't letting go the same as giving up, giving in, concede defeat, not standing ones ground?
Not necessarily. It can mean just leaving it be, detaching oneself from whatever attachments one may have to a person/s, situation/s, emotion/s.
One definition of a fool is someone doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different outcome.
Habits can perhaps be viewed as coping strategies, but if those habits begin to control our thinking, behaviour and emotions, they no longer help us to cope, and we may need new coping strategies to cope with those habits.
There are aspects of "letting go" which may be difficult, even painful, because change for most of us is tricky.
At times letting go can be scary and may even feel like a loss of a part of oneself.
If I am not the clown, then who am I?
If I am not the broody, sarcastic artist, then who am I?
If I am not the fast-talking, hard-drinking, no-nonsense person, then who am I?
If I am not the self-sacrificing always at hand parent, then who am I?
If I am not the skinny/fit/muscly/over weight/etc. etc. person, then who am I?
Sometimes life takes unexpected turns, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse, whatever comes our way we have our own ways of dealing with the events, but when those ways no longer help us, it may be time to consider finding new ways, of letting go of the no longer working coping strategies.
According to Folkman and Lazarus we use five emotion-focused coping strategies:
Adaptive coping: We disclaim, escape/avoid, accept responsibility or blame, exercise self-control, and/or positive reappraisal.
Adaptive coping strategies improve functioning, while maladaptive coping strategies just reduce symptoms. (They maintain rather than improve)
Maladaptive behaviours such as: self-medication, anxious avoidance, dissociation, risky behaviours, denial, safety behaviours( must check the doors) etc.
If the past haunts you, perhaps its time to let it go and focus on the now. If resentment, regret and guilt comes knocking on your door, send hope, joy and compassion to answer it. We can't change the past, but we can affect the now and our future. At times a positive affirmation can be helpful; "I choose to focus forward." "I choose to let go of the past."
If the loss of someone you loved prevents you from allowing new love into your life, let go and open your heart for the possibility of a new connection. There is no statute of limitation on love, its endless.
If the future scares you and it seems like the world is on a self-destruct course, let go of worrying and do something positive for your community today. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is Gandhi's advice.
Change is not possible without change: if, whatever it is, is keeping you stuck, let go, change the "record".
If the "umbrella" no longer protects you, or keeps the rain out, perhaps it's time for a new one, or get out of the "weather"?
Every new day presents you with a new opportunity for new thoughts, new coping strategies, a new present.
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” (Steve Maraboli)
“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.” (Steve Maraboli)
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