How to remain close

There are many kinds of distances; but basically it's referred to as the space between two points. However, us humans can pull off the paradoxical behaviour of being both distant and close at the same time. We can sleep in the same bed, eat at the same table, work side by side, play on the same team, etc. and yet be further away from each other than the moon from earth. Physically we can be so close we can't get any closer, yet at the same time, we can be on another planet, so to speak.

I heard a story that I find to be a good illustration: "A man and woman are in a car travelling. The man is driving and the woman is in the passenger seat. The woman looks at the man, her husband, and says: "Remember how we used to be? How I used to always have my head on your shoulders and you had your arm around me?" The man looks at the woman and answers gently: "Well, I haven't moved" and keeps driving the car.

Sometimes we may find it necessary to seek both physical and emotional distance.

We may deliberately seek to increase the distance in order to clear our minds,

to review our positions, to allow for breathing room, but the distance I'm primarily

concerned with in this post, is the distance we put between ourselves and the other

because we have forgotten, ignored or just stopped nurturing our relationships.

Living under the same roof, sharing workspace, playing on the same team, being in a relationship, we may take for granted the inference of a certain intimacy, but like anything living, unless nurtured it runs the risk of withering. Just being in approximety does not assure nurturing, it takes a conscious effort and expression of care. Placing a watering can next to a plant does not water the plant, filling the can with water and then pouring it on the plant does.

We all live such busy lives that it is easy to take each other for granted, get caught up in just "living"

that we forget to "water" our relationships. The child who used to tell us everything is suddenly a tight-lipped teenager, our friend we used to talk to everyday has become an aquaintance.

Our partner who we used to talk to and discuss everything that mattered to us asks: "Did you have a good day?" but before we have finished our sentence he/she has already started to flick through the channels on the  "ithingy"/box/TV.

Individualism makes us forget the bigger picture, we forget our ancestry, it(individualim)hides our descendants and separates our contemporaries from us. We become preoccupied with our "selves", we subtly create a distance between us and the other and become so self-focused that in the end we become entirely confined to the solitude of our own hearts.

Unless,

we notice, nurture and value

Intimacy,

be it emotionally or physically,

 both and/or simultaneously,

A civilization is a heritage of beliefs, customs, and knowledge slowly accumulated in the course of centuries, elements difficult at times to justify by logic, but justifying themselves as paths when they lead somewhere, since they open up for man his inner distance.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The need to be right.....why do we have it?

For many of us it is very important to be "right".

In discussions on politics, religion, education, etc.etc.

No matter what the topic is, we like to be "right".

Scott Peck even goes as far as to say: "More than anything else,

we want to be right".

Right in the sense of holding the "right" opinion, view, truth and so on. Many discussions and debates end up in stand-off's because everybody is convinced that they are right and nobody is really willing to budge or negotiate. Now why is that?

Do we have something to lose if we have differing opinions? Is there not a reasonable chance of there being many different "rights"? Are the only options available; wrong or right? Though we speak of day and night, there is also twilight, dusk, high noon, late afternoon etc.

 Can there then be; a bit wrong, a little right, a bit of wrong and right at the same time? In our language we often define something by using opposites: black and white, day and night, light and dark, high and low, truth and lies, love and hate, and soforth. However, does that necessarily mean there are no positions in between the opposites? (There are many hues of grey inbetween black and white for example.)

       Let me suggest an example: A friend calls you and tells you he has bought a new car. He tells you the make and year, milage and so on, and lastly he tells you it's blue. Two days later he phones you to let you know he will be coming by to show you the new car. As you are waiting for him you see this deep purple sedan pull up. The driver is blowing his horn and minutes later out jumps your friend with a big smile on his face.

-"What do you think?" he says.

What are the chances that you will tell your friend that the car is purple? Will you reconsider your opinon on the colour and just go with blue?

Will you just ignore it all together because colour isen't important to you? Or will you correct your friend?

Or how about when someone misquotes a: songwriter, musician, painter, politician, statistics, references, history, science, etc.etc., do you find it hard not to correct them and tell them the right answer?

How often do we really scrutinise our own accuracy of information, do we update it regularily, do we really know where we got it from, and do we allow for memory lapses? With emotionally charged issues such as religion, child rearing and politics, are we willing to concede and be ok with others having totally different opinions and views?

Maybe being "right" is about feeling defined as an individual, marking one's territory so to speak, and when we are told we are wrong, it can be viewed/experienced as having our boundry interfered with, even in a way, threatend.  

                                            And then there is the issue of what people say and what we actually hear, often there can be rather large discrepancies between the two. What would happen if we just listened first, confirm that what someone said and what we heard are the same things, and for words of an ambigous nature we ask  the other for their definintion, before we have a verdict of wrong or right, truth or untruth.

Maybe no verdict is necessary,

maybe we let children paint pink skies and purple trees,

maybe we entertain all possibilities

maybe we can use maybe more

and absolutes

less.

Words as currency

What if we were to think of words as currency?

When we think or speak, we deposit or withdraw our "currency" from the "bank"(our emotional account); i.e. our own or others.

Let's say some one says: "that was an awesome job you did"! I would consider this a deposit. Someone else says: "You could have done that much better"! this I would then consider a withdrawal.

Of course there are things we say that are not so clear cut such as: "That's not how I would have done it, but good job none the less". So, maybe that could be considered a deposit in the form of a check waiting to be cleared?

Our thoughts about ourselves, the way we speak to ourselves, follow along the same lines. Have you ever said to yourself: "You idiot, why did you do that"!......big withdrawal.

Some of us make many small withdrawals from our emotional bank many times a day, but we just don't notice doing it.

Such as: "it's gotta be perfect, only the best will do, don't mess it up like you usually do, now you've done it, why cant you.....? why do you always....."? No wonder we feel empty at the end of a day if we make continuous withdrawals from our positive regards account....:)

What about others, what if others say those things to us?  I believe that nobody can make a withdrawal from our account without our permission for them to do so.  If someone says to you that you have no chance of making it, but you think you do, no withdrawal, if on the other hand you agree, then you have given the other the permission for a withdrawal. For some of us, our accounts of self-esteem/positive self regard, may be quite depleted and every withdrawal may threaten it's existence which makes it important for us to be aware of the withdrawals we make.

How? Test the validity of the words, question whether they ring true with you or not.

What about deposits? What if someone says "I admire your courage" for example, do we question the sincerity? I think we need to be cautious with both encouraging and discouraging words, I mean,

who wants a check to bounce?  Intent can easily be disguised but usually we can feel when people are sincere or not with the help of our subconscious which often picks up on inconsistencies.

So if words are likened to currency, we deposit and withdraw; can we establish credit?

Maybe we can. Do we not give credit to our friends, family, partners etc. all the time?

Ex: "You know how much I love you, that's why I have to tell you......." There is an established emotional account from which others are allowed to make withdrawals, because they have deposited much positive regard and vice versa. Which in no way means we use any words we like without consideration of how they affect the other, rather the opposite, we have to be careful as to not make a withdrawal when our intention is to make a deposit.

There's an old saying: "Sticks and stones may brake my bones, but words will never hurt me" which to me seems the wrong way around; "sticks and stones will hurt your bones, but words may brake you".

I guess the question to ask oneself is, when I speak with others, do I want to make a deposit or a withdrawal?

Dealing with difficult people.....

                 

                         Are there people in your life that you find it hard to communicate with?

 No matter how much you prepare your words, somehow the conversation goes off the rails?

Before long your intention of a "heart to heart" and very sincere exchange of words ends up in a combat zone with emotional grenades hurled about, and once the smoke settles you are left feeling like a question mark and wondering what just happened, since all you intended to do was to try to clear a few things up.

               Maybe we can all be "difficult" at times but in our fast paced, "I know what I want and want it NOW" world, there seems to be an ever increasing pool of "difficult" people.

What is one to do when after thoughtful consideration and choice of words, you finally ask your friend/partner/co-worker etc. if they wouldn't mind just discussing some recent events and they just respond with: "No, I don't wanna talk about it" or "just because you wanna talk, doesn't mean I have to" or "I have nothing further to say"and before you know it, you feel powerless and at loss for words. Often at this point one may feel compelled to withdraw and why not, hostility is not terribly conducive to good communication. On the other hand, what if the person you're trying to connect with responds with sarcasm? Such as: "Sure, let's talk, talking always works so well", or "Yeah, let's talk, or what you really mean is, you talk and I listen".

 Although covert, sarcasm is still hostility and equally not good for communication.  Then there are the times when your attempts at trying to deal with something is met with: "I never do anything right in your eyes", or "why do you always assume that I have to change" and whatever positive exchange you had in mind, has been hijacked by pessimism and whatever the issue was that you wanted to talk about, is long gone and now it's all about avoiding setting off any emotional "landmines".

      Some "difficult" people have hair-trigger reactions and any indication that there's a rejection involved in your conversation with them may produce responses like: "What have I done wrong this time?" or "I've tried my best, but my best obviously isn't good enough for you" etc. and puzzled as you may be at this response, the chances of getting past a "rejection sensitive" person's defence mechanisms will require a lot of calmness and staying on focus.

   And then there's the "difficult" person who is always right. Everything is personal no matter what you say such as: "I know what I said, you're misunderstanding" or " I know what I said, you heard wrong" .

Whatever the issue is that you need to sort, with difficult people who are always right, you will be blamed, and no matter how you try to chose your words, be patient and open minded; it will take some highly creative thinking and use of words to be able to deal positively with a person of this nature.

Maybe we can try to: chose non-judgemental words, stay on topic, be as logical as possible, listen, make sure what we heard is what they said by repeating what was said and asking for confirmation,

understand and own our emotional responses and let go of the illusion/dream that people, difficult or otherwise, will be anything else then who they are.

After all, we are who we are, are we not?

Like it says: "when silent even a fool seems wise".

What if...musings on what could be..

I've been thinking about what it is to be human.

I've been thinking about all the beautiful, joyful, wondrous, amazing phenomenon available to us.

I've been thinking about what would happen in today's society, this culture, this environment, these times, if a prophet, a sage, a Buddha, a Jesus, or other wise person came along.

How would he/she speak to us? What language would be used? Would he/she walk down Downing Street, Pennsylvania Avenue, Champs Elysse`, or any other main street in any major Capitol, barefoot and wearing a long flowing robe? Could he/she sit at the foot of an 80-storey building and wait for enlightenment? Carrying a cross on his/her back, would anyone notice? Standing on a busy

street corner and screaming "The end is near!!", would anyone listen?

.

While some parts of the world still walk "bare feet", other parts are so alienated from their inner lives that even if Buddha, Jesus, or any other wise prophet or sage walked among us, we would probably just call such a person crazy or words to that effect. The police would promptly be called  and the "messenger of the Metaphysical/prophet" carted away to be placed somewhere far away from "normal" people, the pervading philosophy being that "crazy" is contagious, so we can't take any risks, we must lock him/her up for everyone's protection.

I've been thinking about the possibility of what we call "reality" being an illusion, and if it is, what do we do?

Do we run for the mountains, the forests, the jungle, Alaska, etc.etc. or is there a "last" frontier to run to?

When we have used up all the bountiful's our planet have given us, what then?

There are billions of us humans on top of a shallow crust of a spinning globe competing for water, food and shelter. A small blue and green planet hanging in universe, a mere dot in a space with no end.

I've been thinking about what would happen if all those who seek peace and enlightenment, freedom and love, found it and then shared it with all.

I've been thinking about gratitude.

I've been thinking about clear blue skies, marsh mellow clouds, sparkling  stars, majestic trees, golden fields, life giving water, spectacular mountains, feathered and fured animals.

I've been thinking of music, words and images.

I've been thinking about how in the absence of a "prophet or some such" telling us that "the end is near"

every moment of living offers us

unlimited possibilities

to be peacemakers, to share our wisdom's and insights with those willing to listen,

to love unconditionally,

and to handle our globe of blue and green

with care.

 

What matters? Everything......

      "At first, it was just that I didn't feel like doing the dishes, I mean, they could wait another day, couldn't they? So I let them pile up. Seeing the pile of dirty dishes made me feel a bit guilty, so I didn't feel like doing the house cleaning. So my place started to feel like a dump and I felt uncomfortable being there. I mean, what was the point, it was just going to get messy again, right? So I started to hang out at friends places, cos I didn't wanna go home and be reminded of the work my place needed done, I mean, who doesn't wanna hang out with their friends? So, my dirty clothes pile got so big I was gonna need a truck to get them all to the laundry, so I got used to wearing the same clothes for days. My friends started to say that I was smelly, but, hey, my place was such a depressing place who wanted to hang out there anyway?"

There are many things in life that we have no control over, we can't affect the outcomes, but there are also lots of seemingly insignificant things we can. Whatever choices we make, they have outcomes, and if we want a specific outcome, we have to chose accordingly. One of the great aspects of humanity is our adaptability, but unfortunately, it can also become our demise. We can fall into the grips of inertia. "Who cares? So what? What's the hurry? Let someone else fix it...I'll do it later, etc.etc". Someone once said: "You are on the outside what you are on the inside"....hmmm.

If you usually care about your home environment, then ignoring the mess will probably affect you emotionally. If you care about your work environment, and then stop doing your level best, it will affect you emotionally. If you care about your relationships, and then ignore those niggling feelings telling you something is wrong, it will affect you emotionally. If you are worried about a friend being unusually quiet, loud, drunk, hostile, angry, depressed, anxious, but do nothing, it will affect you emotionally. If you are witness to an act that is unethical, immoral in your view, but walk away doing nothing, it will affect you emotionally. Although we do not constantly recite the Bill of Rights, the 10 commandments, or whatever constitutes our moral/ethical priorities at the forefront of our consciousness, most of us have an inner script that we follow and when we deviate the outcome can be emotional fall-out. (If you don't usually care about making the bed, doing the dishes, cleaning the place, doing the laundry regularly etc...try doing those things for a bit maybe and see if it affects you emotionally?) If you usually keep yourself to yourself but decide to ask that sad person why he is sad, it will affect you emotionally. If you usually don't worry about if there's milk left for your co-workers coffee, but decide to make sure theres enough for everybody, it will affect you emotionally.

If you usually find it hard to tell your partner what's on your mind, but decide to anyway, it will affect you emotionally. Everything matters, what we do, what we think, what we say, and all our choices no matter how insignificant they may seem, have definite outcomes that in turn will affect our emotional state, how we feel, so basically we chose how we want to feel......

Why am I picked on?

Many of us remember times when we felt that others "picked' on us. We were made fun of for the clothes we wore, our haircuts, the music we listened to, our family backgrounds, our religious beliefs, our stature, our race, and so forth because the list seems to be endless. When I was a child I was picked on for being skinny, small, strange, shy to mention just a few reasons given and every time I was made fun of, it hurt. We all long to belong, to be accepted and included by others and when our efforts of socialisation are rejected, we often feel tempted to conclude that there is something wrong with us. Maybe some of us try harder to conform with the accepted "norm"; we make sure we have the "right" clothes, listen to the right music, look the right way, speak the right way but if we still fail to be included and accepted, what else can be done?

If I fulfil all the exterior criteria and still fail to be accepted, then what else is left except for the interior one may conclude. Who I am is not acceptable, so I must change me then. Or.....if others won't accept me for being me, then I won't accept them.

Way back when....our ancestors needed to belong to a clan, group, herd, tribe to stay safe, and to be excluded from the tribe meant vulnerability. Failing to meet the requirement for inclusion in the group could mean death(tigers, or other predators) and this may be the background for our primary need for acceptance. As the cliche says: "there is safety in numbers". So the fear of rejection in the
"old days" was a very real and practical issue of survival, but what about today? Being rejected today although free from tigers(for most of us)still threatens our survival in the form of alienation, loneliness and disconnectedness. Being rejected by our family, peers, community, or society for most of us is tantamount to being unlovable, and without love(in the broadest sense of the term)no human can survive. So how do we defend ourselves against this "predator" then?

We become strong, we find our own strength. "How"? you may ask, so allow me to define what I mean with strength: to be able to stand up for yourself and your beliefs, to stay true to your character, to hold on to your dignity, integrity and creativity. To resist the temptation of giving up your individuality for the safety of conformity and inclusion in the tribe(cool group).

If someone "picks" on you, what does that say about the person(s) doing so? What would motivate anybody to belittle someone else? If someone is insulting or belittling us, I would suggest that it's the reflection of a weak persons attempt at strength. A person with a healthy self-esteem(positive regard)have nothing to gain by excluding or "picking" on someone, rather, to do so would hurt the self-esteem. Our self-esteem is dependent on how much we like ourselves and our actions/behaviours, so to build our esteem, we need to maintain our core values and ethics, to stay true to our character.

Like Victor Frankl said: "between an event and a response is an opportunity for choice" so if someone picks on us, we have a space between the "picking" and our response to it to decide how we will respond, and therein lies our opportunity to stand up for ourselves with dignity, integrity

and self-respect.

Do you know what you know?

 

This is a playground contraption, shot from a strange angle and very close-up. But it could be many other things, it's up to you to interpret.

However, once we know what something is, then it becomes harder at times to imagine it being something else.

But do we really know what we know?

Have you ever been absolutely sure of knowing something only to later discover you were wrong?

Eyewitness accounts of incidents of the same particular incident can be remembered in as many versions as the number of eyewitnesses describing it. All versions according to each one regarded as the true one.....each one sure that they know. A new movie is released, it has an ambiguous ending, millions of people watch it and each person draw their own conclusions. The ending is debated in lunch rooms, on the buses, trains, planes, waiting rooms, etc.and most of us are sure that we know the most probable ending.

We like to be sure, we like to know, we like for others to agree with us.

What if some don't?

Often we begin with presenting what in our view are reasonable arguments, common sense, logic and so forth, to help the other see that our view is much more valuable.

What if our view is still rejected?

Often something strange happens after we have presented a "good case" and been dismissed out of hand; we become personally invested, its not just our opinion/view that has been rejected, we feel as if we have been rejected, and especially so if the issue discussed is very important to us.

(Issues such as religion, politics, money, art, child rearing, and sports, to mention but a few, springs to mind.)

Whatever the issue and the disparities, behind them all there is person. A person just like you and me with many similar needs, desires and potentials. We are all on the journey called "life", we all draw conclusions from our experiences thereof, and most of us hope to love and be loved.

 Should those conclusions be very different, ..........how could they not be?

 

There are many games hidden on a chessboard.

How to find stillness in an increasingly hectic world

Have you ever found yourself daydreaming of being somewhere else? Have you ever felt you wish you could you find a nice still place to which you could escape and just peel off your stress like some old clothes? Have you ever thought: "If I could just find a nice quiet place to think, I could work out what's going on in my life?"

Being able to finish a thought, even just a sentence, can be difficult at times I find. There is so much happening in all dimensions all at once, that it can be hard to hear even your own thoughts.

"It's in stillness the greatest thoughts are born" some wise person has said, and maybe there is something profound in that, maybe we shouldn't take stillness for granted, perhaps we need to treasure it if we manage to find it. How often do we take the time to just think about things, to allow time for that wonderful brain of ours to really ponder and follow through all the options it uncovers for us?

How many times in a day do we say: "Sorry, not yet, I haven't had the time to read, write, check, type, etc...yet"

Is it a question of time management, or maybe priorities, perhaps just whether we feel like it or not?

I have read that continuously interrupting someone "trying to think"  is very destructive for the person being interrupted, as well as unsettling. Imagine that someone asks you a really tricky question, what's the first thing you need to do? You need to think about it. Now, imagine as you start to think about your answer, someone blows a foghorn..............now imagine that every time there's enough stillness for you to begin your thinking process again, (like a house of cards blown over, you pick up those thoughts again)you start to form an idea, the foghorn goes off again..

I believe we need stillness, stillness is not the absence of something, stillness is the phenomena, the environment in which we can scrutinise, observe, and test our thoughts without interruptions.

Or maybe just let them pass through, observed but not handled,

like clouds floating by, acknowledged but not attended to.

"In the midst of chaos and movement, keep stillness within" (Deepak Chopra)

"When you lose touch with inner stillness you lose touch with yourself." (Eckhart Tolle)

Some say to sit down and wait for your soul, maybe we can add, be still and listen for your thoughts?

 

Why do we wear masks?

Actors get paid to pretend they are people they are not, actually, anybody performing on any kind of stage, probably wear some kind of mask. One could even speculate that the spectator prefers it so....

Those people on stages get to be, do, all the things us partaking in "real" life, don't....well, many of us assume so I think. But, maybe we are all on stage all the time and we all wear a mask of some sort?

Somebody once said: "Life is not a dress rehearsal" and maybe LIFE is "the show" we all are actors in, we just don't perceive it as such.

Maybe it's not so much a mask more like a camoflague, a veil, one may say, perhaps we keep our "real faces" very private. I read somewhere that noone ever sees their own face with their own eyes because we only see a reflection, and reflections are filtered through our perceptions.

So, who gets to see the real you, if not even you can do so?

Let's look closer at the "real" us because I have the suspicion that its no so much a singular but a plural concept that just happens to be wrapped up in a homogenous singular entity called the "body".

As humans we can be many things, play many roles, and switch between them seamlessly many times within the space of a few minutes.

One mask/role of the other for example: The role of a working mother; she can wake up in the morning as "the self", wake her husband as a wife, get her children ready for school as a mother, call her mother to arrange lunch as a daughter, give her sister a lift to work as a sibling, arrive at work as a professional woman, make decisions as a boss. Now these are just the outward roles, she is also a woman, a lover, a confidant, a mentor, a friend, a human being with all experiences and conditions that entails.

Ofcourse, the example could also have been a working father, but I will leave that for now.

I believe we start wearing masks the first time we are scolded for showing emotions deemed unsuitable for public display.

And one by one we add the masks until we hardly notice wearing them at all until some experience come our way that is so profound we toss caution to the wind and let our "real" face show.

One trait in Aspbergers Syndrome is a difficulty in reading peoples facial expressions and recognising the other persons responses and feelings, which can cause complication in regards to social interactions, now, if on top of this most of us seem to be wearing masks, how do we communicate at all one wonders.

Even without Aspbergers syndrome, it can be difficult to read people, because we are only ever allowed to see the face(mask)the other person allows for us to see.

Maybe its not so much about why we wear masks as much as how to wear the right ones at the right time?

Is it even possible or desirable to not wear them since we live in a very demanding society with many customs, expectations, considerations, cultural expectations, etc.etc.

 When putting on make-up(men and women nowadays both use it :), are we not "putting on" a mask of sorts? We use terms like: "let me put my face on, he lost his face, let's face it, face the music, falling flat on one's face" etc.etc. Facial expression is part of our communication with each other.

 Wearing a mask for the purpose of deception of a manipulative kind, to mislead and secure an outcome contrary to our real intentions could possibly be conceived as acting and maybe fits the stage more so than everyday living.

However, keeping our private, "real" face private and visible for only a select few may be

very necessary for us to retain our core selves so when we see our reflection in a mirror, it is cohesive with our perception of ourselves.

Parallel worlds

In the only hospital in Newtown, with only 27 seconds separating them, two boys are born.

Ray Lawrence to the Lawrence family and Troy Saxon to the Saxon family. When Ray is handed to the mother, the Nannie Jennifer is there ready to assume her duties. In a room in the public wing, Troy is given to his mother who is barely 20 years old and after having had a brief glance at the boy tells the nurse to take the boy away.

Ray Lawrence with mother and father, and Nannie leaves the hospital in the chauffeur driven Jaguar only three days after birth, Troy and mother stays the full week so his mother can regroup before they go home to their family. Ray is a planned child, the first born, Troy is unplanned and number three.

Ray's room in his new home is filled with colourful toys, walls painted in soft cobalt blue, and with big windows letting in the sun and the wonderful view of the garden. Troy will sleep in a cot that has already seen two boys become toddlers, he will share room with his two brothers and the only natural light in the room comes from a small window with a view of the next block of units. The walls have wallpaper buckling from the damp and there's a funky smell in the room.

At four years old Ray is enrolled in the best pre-school in Newtown, Troy is enrolled at the closest pre-school to his block of units. At six years of age Ray can recite Shakespeare, at the same age Troy knows what to say when welfare comes to check up on them. Ten years old and Ray enters a spelling competition, ten years old and Troy can't spell, finds reading boring and discovers cigarettes. Ray's father takes him on a fishing trip, just the two of then at age 11, Troy at 11 learns how to avoid his stepfathers blows. When Ray finishes high school with honours, his parents give him a car as a reward, Troy, though with almost failing grades, also manages to graduate high school, and as a reward his mother buys him a six pack and four packets of  cigarettes. Ray enters college to study law, Troy starts to look for work. Ray is popular at college and has many friends, and on the breaks he goes abroad and every Christmas he enjoys r&r with his family who adores him. Troy knocks on every door he can think of, but he cant find any work. He wants to leave home but cant afford it. He feels disturbed at home by his siblings constant squabbling and his mothers drunken outbursts, so he starts to go to the Pub just for a bit of peace. At the age of 26 Ray Lawrence has his first case in court, Troy Saxon stands before him on a charge of "Drunk and Disorderly".

What if the roles would have been reversed?

Speaking one's mind

Have you ever heard someone say: "It's a free country, I can say what I want..." I have, many times, but what does that really mean ? Can we say anything regardless of how that may affect the person on the receiving end of our words? Voltaire (paraphrased) said: " I disapprove of what you say but I will defend to death your right to say it." John Stuart Mills:"the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others".     Is there a difference between "free speech" when we speak socially and when we speak politically? Every society seems to impose some form of limitations on free speech according to its competing cultural values but does it trickle down to the every-day living level? 

Should there be limitations, and if so, who will police them? Does free speech contain its own value or does it need an assumed notion of what constitutes "good"? Many questions arise as I ponder free speech so I will restrict myself to the individual, everyday "going-about-your business" level of communication. 

Let's say your friend have just had a new haircut and feels really happy with it; you think it looks terrible, will you tell your friend? Your sister has joined a church group though you were both raised as atheists, your best friend decides to vote for a party you both used to make fun of, you find out your boss is having an affair, your teenage daughter/son tells you she/he is going to Israel to live in a Kibbutz, your cousin converts to Islam; will you feel an urge to speak your mind? It can be difficult at times to not tell others where they are going wrong, making foolish decisions, not thinking straight, or not seeing the bigger picture, etc..

I often wonder why we feel a need to correct peoples opinions and not just listen to them. Take something simple like supporting different sports teams; "team A is much better than team B" says the team A supporter whereupon the team B supporter instantly retorts with " no they're not, team B has much more depth and more talented players" and so the dance goes. The chances of any of the supporters changing allegiances being very slim to none, could not the team B supporter have responded with: "I agree, there are some really good players in team A"?

"Speaking ones mind" may not necessarily mean all of it and all at once, maybe freedom of speech includes a certain amount of responsibility on behalf of the speaker to bear in mind the effect the words may have on the recipient or recipients. Perhaps on an individual level we need to be our own monitors to make sure we don't use the principle of free speech as a tool for intimidation, correction, humiliation or self-aggrandisement.

"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" sang Julie Andrews in "Mary Poppins",

maybe "just a spoonful of tolerance helps the world go around"?

The problem with "normal"....

In a time when individuality is treasured more than ever before, I can't help but wonder why at the same time the word "normal" gets so much play. What is normal anyway and whats so good about it?

Normal as far as I can gather means; common, usual, average, common standard and the term normal behaviour; expected behaviour given the circumstances. How often do we hear the comment: normal people, normal thinking, normal jobs, normal behaviours, etc.etc, what does it really mean though, because read between the lines, normal seem to mean the only really acceptable way.

If  the word normal remains true to the definition "average" then there is no bias attached, it's just a statistical definition, so how did the word morph from a statistic to become a sharp implement?

("Normal" or rather not being so, is often a tool used by bullies to intimidate others with)

When the child is too free spirited at a birthday party, we tell him/her, calm down, behave like the other children, act normal. When the teenager suddenly starts to dress in only black, paint his face white and wear make-up, we ask ourselves why he is behaving so strangely, when will he be normal again. When a person bursts out into a flood of tears in the local food court, we avoid coming too close, because the person is obviously not normal. Not the mention all the people who talk to themselves, speak in an" abnormally" loud voice, laughs too much, speaks too fast, smiles too big or too much, is too kind, and especially those who seem filled with an excessive amount of happiness or joy.     Hmmm......really, what's so good about being normal, because it seems to me that so many of those "abnormal" people have come up with ideas that seemed "abnormal" at the time, only for us normal people to later realise were not "abnormal" at all rather ingenious as a matter of fact.

Growing old and showing the signs thereof is to be avoided nowadays although it is part of the human experience. We dye our hair, inject poisons, cut and slice, lift and tuck, hide and deny, because to be an elder in our contemporary society is no longer a badge of honour, rather a reminder of life's impermanence and normal people don't want to be reminded of it. Everywhere we go we are reminded of what  "successful normal" looks like, the information comes screaming into our lives every minute of the day through one of the myriad of "i-thingys" available, or the TV, or the radio, or the papers and so on. If you're too big, too small, too foreign, too common, too loud, too quiet, too smart, too dumb, too artistic, too sensitive, too complicated, too truthful, too honest, too straight forward, too awkward, too colourful, too bland, too poor, too strange, too short, too tall, too nerdy, too geeky, etc.etc.....

you are not normal. If normal=average then behaviours on either side of the average are just statistically less common and requires no attachment of moral judgements.

 Which brings me back to the beginning of this blog..if we treasure individuality so much why do we alienate those who fall on either side of  "normal"? The problem with "normal" is that it frowns on originality, creativity and daring visionaries and I wonder if that really is in the best interest of mankind; after all, those "abnormal" people have given us electricity, combustion engines, aeroplanes, space shuttles, digital interfaces, mobile phones, computers, i-thingys and wonderful works of art, music, dance, architecture, movies...well, thank goodness for people on either side of the bell curve I say.

Love, what is it?

Love it seems, is experienced in many different ways but is there a common thread? Obviously I love my cat differently to the way I love my partner, my child, my family or my fellow man. Do all forms of love contain an element of seeking the others well being even if that may entail some form of sacrifice on our behalf? To truly love, is it necessary to be willing to forgo the demands of the ego?

Love for her child gave a mother the strength to lift something three times her own weight to save her. Love for his wife gave the husband the strength to quit his job and nurse his ill wife. Love for his friend gave the soldier the courage to run into a burning building and rescue him. Love for his music prompted the pianist to practise his instrument eight hours a day. Love for her job and the animals she cared for resulted in her family of dogs growing bigger and bigger. Love for his little sister urged him to let her have the last piece of candy.

Often when I ask people to define what "love" is for them, a common response is to assume I'm referring to love between partners. The "in-love" kind. There must be thousands upon thousands of poems, songs, books written on the subject......maybe its the type of love we experience most deeply?

Hmm...I can't see any possible way to discern such since love is such an individual experience.

I have noticed though that often expectations tend to slip in with "in-love" love; if you love me you will......trust, support, understand, be patient, forgive, apologise, wait, etc. etc. Although with friends we also have expectations; loyalty, honesty, respect, understanding and so forth. What about parents?

A certain amount of expectations as well I think: obedience, respect, consideration, to not shame....

So, what about pets? Sadly, we have expectations there too: obedience and loyalty.

Is there any kind of love free from expectations?

Is it possible to love without love returned? Strangely, yes.....if the ego is ignored and expectations set aside, humans are still able to love. C.S. Lewis calls this kind of love "charity"....love that does not seek it's own way, always forgives, endures, hopes and is long suffering.

The term "falling in love" sounds fragile, if you "fall" into love, do you just as easily "fall" out of love? Can we not choose to love? Can love be a matter for our will and not our hearts? Maybe both?

Or maybe its wanting, choosing, "falling" all at once? Loving which involves the "Eros" seems the most volatile kind of love, maybe that's why so much pen and ink(binary code)has been spent on trying to define it. Whatever love is, research has shown that mankind can not live without it, be it affectionate, charitable, "in-love" or friendship kind of love. In Cabaret Liza Minnelli sings: "Money makes the world go around, the world go around...", maybe we could exchange the money for love?

"Loving makes the world go around, the world go around..."