Saying nothing is still saying something.......

When she opened the door I could see that she

was upset.

-What's happened Roslyn? I asked.

-I've finally done it. 

-What? What have you done?

-I've told him it's over and that ''Little miss Mouse

don't live in this house anymore.''

-So how do you feel now?

-Great. I feel great. I should have done this years ago.

-What stopped you?

-Fear, I guess. Fear of how he would react and what

he would do. But to be honest, perhaps more than anything else, 

I was worried about being on my own.

Now, I realize that I should have spoken up

years ago and not let fear keep me silent.

A few years later it became my turn to face

my fears and set out on my own.

Like Roslyn, I too had reached a point when

being on my own seemed less scary than staying in

a dysfunctional and loveless relationship.

I too should have spoken up and voiced my concerns.

Now, years later and with the wisdom of hindsight, I realize that by 

staying silent, I lost the very core of myself.

Speaking up and voicing our concerns on

matters that are of importance to us is important.

Important for our sense of self-worth and commitment

to our core values.

Staying silent and not speaking our mind

when our inner voice/core urges us to speak up, those

in the know suggest can have a negative affect on our

mental and physical well-being.

Mind you, it can be easy to come up with a lot of (in our

view) very rational reasons for why we should stay

quiet rather than speaking out, however, in my experience

this often result in taking

us further away from our core values.

Why are core values important to us?

You may ask.

As pertaining to this post and to not be long-winded, 

I am speaking here of Personal Core values.

Such as: Loyalty, honesty, reliability, dependability,

consistency, transparency, etc. etc.

Basically the framework/belief-system through

which we view the world and the people/critters which

inhabits it.

''Your core values are/is the compass

that keeps you moving in the

right direction.''

(Susan David)

(Right as in: in harmony with your core values)

Part of the ''speaking up'' is also the part of how we do it,

and what words we use. (In my experience, just as

important.)

What I found is that being mindful of the time

and place, the tone of voice, the choice of words,

body-language, sticking to facts more so than emotions 

and using ''I feel....'' rather than ''You make me....'' statements 

often tend to have the most favourable outcomes.

I also find that it can be helpful to ask questions.

So what I hear you saying is.........is that correct?

I take what you said to mean..............am I right?

I'm not sure that I agree, can I get back to you on

this?

When we ''speak up'', I've concluded that it is important

to remember that there can be times when ''What's said '' 

and ''What's heard '' can vary. (A lot, sometimes)

Ex: ''Son, can you take out the rubbish, please?''

Son: ''Are you saying that I never take out the rubbish?''

Wife: ''Please don't be late.''

Partner: ''What?? Are you saying that I'm always late?''

Insight: Don't assume that what I said is what

you/they heard. 

Good communication happens when what I say, 

is what others hear.

''Saying nothing is still saying something.''

( ? )

about the image: a small graphite sketch on paper

When you feel sad, upset, angry......what is your body trying to tell you?

''Can you tell me what that means please?

I'm not sure I understand,'' I asked.

''When we experience something we do so 

cognitively and physiologically.

Cognitively, as in how we think about and interpret

 situations, and physiologically as in how our bodies

respond/react to our emotions,'' he answered.

How our bodies respond?

Being (some say) a ''neurally diverse'' person, my brain

never stops with the thinking so whatever is going in

my body while I'm thinking, usually, I only discover after 

the affect. 

I first heard of Cognitive Behaviour Theory years and years

ago but I was instantly drawn to it and neurally diverse as I

(apparently) am, I found myself devouring book

after book on the subject.

CBT made, and still does make so much sense to me, but

 what I have come to realize recently is that somehow I

seem to have overlooked/forgot about the body

 sensation/physiological aspect.

I've probably read the line ''Be in your body'',

 ''Practice Mindfulness'' and the importance of ''Focusing

attention on what is happening in your body when

you feel xyz'' numerous times without actually

doing any such thing.

''Being in your body'', what does that really mean?

As far as I can ascertain it means that when we

experience anger, sadness, fear, worry, joy, etc. etc.

we don't just experience it with our thoughts but

also with our bodies.

Our heartrate may go up, we may feel weak in the knees,

short of breath, tight in the chest, dizzy, and or an urge to cry,

etc. to mention a few examples.

''Stop, stop. Slow down'', he said. Stay focused on what

is happening internally. Stay with your bodily sensation

right now.''

What was my bodily sensation?

Tears. I was perplexed. 

Why was I crying? It felt as if my mind and

body were out of sync. My mind told me that

tears were unnecessary but my body ignored

 the mind and the tears kept coming.

Have you ever experienced that?

You see something, hear something, remember

something, and then

seemingly out of nowhere tears well up?

What's your kneejerk reaction?

Do you try to suppress the urge to cry or do you allow it?

Personally, I learned very early in life to suppress my

tears and instead use my brain to figure out

how to disguise my true emotions.

According to those in the know, there are many

of us who grew up in social settings in which

tears, sensitivity, gentleness and kindness 

were viewed as signs of weakness and therefore

such expressions of emotions were discouraged.

Insight: Maybe this may be a clue as to why

some of us may at times find it difficult to ''be in

our bodies''?

Emotional experiences, regardless of ''flavour/type'' 

 is believed to consist of three different components:

It is subjective, it is physiological and it is a

behaviour/expressive response.

Some of us may find it trickier than some others

to stay in tune, connected and able to focus on

our internal bodily sensations, but if those in the know

are correct, we can learn how to get better at it.

''Emotions are not set in cement.

They come they, they go, 

they stay only as long 

as we allow them to.''

(Citizen Z) 

about the image: acrylic on large cardboard

Title: ''Mia holds off turbulence''

Good news, everybody! There's no such thing as failure, only a ''less hoped for outcome''.

-What are you doing? he asked.

-Taking a photograph of you, I answered.

-Why?

-I like your face Darren, I answered.

A few years later I painted that moment,

that memory, onto a canvas.

What are memories?

Okay, let's go with: Memories is what we call

the information that the part of our mind that stores it

 hangs on to and also makes available to us when we need it.

Or: The psychological processes of acquiring, storing

and retaining, and later retrieving information.

Vague isn't it?

Especially since there are those in the know who

reckons that every time we recall a memory we

alter it in line with the state of mind we are in

when we tell our stories.

 Some suggest that we often (unknowingly) add, 

subtract, exaggerate, or diminish the ''character'' of 

our memory.

Another thing that often affects the way

we memorize something is the way people responded

when we were sharing something with them.

-How big was the fish?

-I thought you said it was smaller than that.

Some in the know even suggest that basically

all our memories are subjected to manipulation.

(Memory distortion)

Although we may not know exactly all the what, where and

 how on the subject of memories, we are gaining more

 and more solid insight and knowledge on just how

much damage a flailing memory can cause not only 

the person experiencing it but also his/her family

members and other loved ones.

Memories are extremely important to us because it helps

us to make sense, to understand and to function in

our worlds. It helps us to learn from our mistakes,

to establish new connections, to increase our knowledge-

bases and to further our critical thinking skills.

It is also suggested that our memory plays a paramount

role in making it possible for us to navigate, 

understand and make predictions about

possible future scenarios.

Basically speaking, our memories may be viewed as

the ''framework'' around which we create 

that which we call/interpret as our ''worlds''.

What if one happens to have a lot of bad

and traumatic memories?

As I understand it, just as ''good'' memories may be

 the framework through which we interpret our ''worlds'', 

so may also ''bad'' and or traumatic memories be.

Memories, whether ''good'' or ''bad'', recent research

now holds, are malleable.

Scientific inquiry into memory distortion is indicating

that memory is not fixed, rather, it is subject to distortion,

change and exaggeration.

Speaking from personal experience with PTSD

and GAD, I once asked a psychologist how to

best deal with my bad/traumatic memories.

He suggested that I pair my bad memories with

 good ones.

With this he meant that:

Instead of thinking about the times when I felt

betrayed, sad, lost, confused, hurt, etc. etc. he told

me to replace those thoughts with thinking of the

 times when I felt strong, competent,

able, successful, capable, etc. etc.

Though we can't travel back in time and re-write our

memories, we can re-frame and re-interpret them.

The brain, the place where our memories hangs about,

 is plastic and keeps on changing. (Neuroplasticity)

That means that every new thought we think creates a new

neural pathway. How awesome is this!!! Blew

my mind when I first found this out.

So if instead of remembering things that didn't turned

out the way I planned it as ''failures'', but instead as

''less hoped for outcomes'', maybe those memories

will no longer be an issue?

Done. The word failure will no longer exist in 

my vocabulary.

There are a few words/lines that I have found to be very useful

when I want to re-frame a bad memory.

Hopefully they may be of use for you too should you

want them.

1. Put another way.......

2. All possibilities entertained......

3. Maybe.....?

4. Is it possible that......

5. Toss ''Failure'' and insert instead: 

less hoped for outcome.

Finding out that memories are malleable and

not set in cement, isn't that just great?

Methinks it definitely is.

''Memory's truth, because memory has it's own

special kind. It selects, eliminates, alters, exaggerates,

minimizes, glorifies, and vilifies also; but in the

end it creates its own reality, its heterogenous but

usually coherent version of events; and no sane

human being ever trusts someone else's version

more than his(/her) own.''

(Salman Rushdie)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas

If love comes with chains, is it really love?

Feather light raindrops kisses her face as she steps

out into the night. 

She let's out a heavy sigh, tightens her coat

collar and then slowly starts to walk to her

bus stop.

Standing at the bus stop she can feel

melancholy, like a thief in the night,

beginning to steal her very ''hard fought for''

untroubled thoughts.

Is this it? she wonders. Is this what my life

amounts to?

Being alone and unloved?

-Are you going to get on or not? 

Someone asks

and she realizes that she's been so deep in thought

that she didn't notice the bus arriving.

-Oh, so sorry, yes, I am.

She quickly flashes her card and walks to the

back of the bus.

When she steps off the bus twenty minutes later

the rain has stopped and the path to

her apartment block is now lit up by a gentle moon

glow.

-Uh, nice to be home, she tells nobody as she throws

her keys in the bowl and close the door behind her.

She turns on all her little table lamps, the TV, the

kettle, put the mobile on the charge pad and then

 gets changed into her trackies and slippers.

As she settles on the couch with a cup of Darjeeling,

her mobile pings.

-Ooh, no, go away, I'm not in the mood. 

-Pleeease let me wallow in my self-pity

just for a little while, she mutters to herself.

Five minutes later she picks up the mobile. 

It's a message from an unknown number.

-Who?

As she taps it it reads: ''I'm in town.''

Reading the words she starts to feel dizzy, shaky,

and as if she is going to pass out.

-No! Not you again!!!

On shaky legs she finds her way back to the couch.

Head swirling, thoughts and heart racing and with the phone

still in her hand, she tells herself to calm down and think

rationally.

-Why is he here again???Why wont he just

disappear?

Suddenly it dawns on her: 

-Maybe that's why I felt so melancholic before?

Though quite some time has passed since she last saw him,

the thought of him always brings melancholic flashbacks with it.

 

Hard as she tries to stop them, flashback after

flashback continuously keep invading her mind.

She feels as if she has been swept up in some sort of

horrible vortex filled with all the worst moments in her life.

The moment when she discovered that he had an alcohol addiction,

a porno addiction, a habit of disappearing for days on end

and a habit of lying about most everything.

The moment when she realized that if she did not leave

him she would not survive.

The moment when she realized that what ever kind of

relationship she thought they were having,

love, had nothing to do with it.

Ping.

Another message.

She looks at the phone.

The same unknown number.

She takes a deep breath and then taps it.

Unknown number: ''Can I see you?''

As she reads the message she is filled

with rage, hurt, confusion and sadness.

-What does he want?

Ping.

Another message: ''I just want to talk to you.''

-Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to talk to you,

maybe I want nothing to do with you, she says to herself.

As if out of nowhere, suddenly she feels as if something

inside of her has begun to shift.

Gone is the confusion and rage.

Instead she feels strangely clear of mind and strong

of heart.

She decides to answer his message:

''I am sorry, but I don't want anything to do with you.

Take care of yourself and don't contact me again.

Actually, delete my number.''

She sends the message then puts the phone back on

the charge pad.

A few minutes later it pings again.

This time she ignores it.

Instead, she puts on the track ''Chains'' with Tina Arena

as loud as she can and starts to dance crazily, wildly

to the music.

Gone is the feeling of being chained to the memory of

a vortex of bad moments 

that once was her life.

"The fear of loneliness or of not being loved

 is never a good reason

for staying in a relationship that

brings more pain than joy.''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: Graphite on paper