Some folks like to paint landscapes, I like to paint faces....a face is a different sort of "landscape" in my view.
(This piece is called "After Katrina", named after the hurricane Katrina which devastated New Orleans in August 2005. It is not the original, but an edited version because running out of money and of canvas, I painted over the original....so unfortunately this is the only copy I have left of the painting.)
In a "face" landscape, one of the most significant features methinks, are the eyes.
"The eyes are the window to the soul" wrote William Shakespeare.
Eye contact, according to those in the know, is very important when we communicate with others.
Why? you may ask. Let me suggest a few reasons:
It shows that we are interested in the person we are communicating with. Have you ever tried talking with someone who looks at everything else except...... you? How did that make you feel?
Eye contact shows those we are communicating with that they have our attention.
In many cultures it is often viewed as a sign of respect, and avoiding eye contact especially when communicating a message of importance, is often interpreted as someone being "shifty" and somewhat dubious. Example: "Look me in the eyes when you say that, so I know that you are being honest."
Through eye contact a sense of understanding and kinship can be expressed without having to utter one word. Example: Exiting through the dentist's waiting room after a root canal, exiting through the surgery waiting room after having a plaster cast applied, waiting for the luggage at the carousel, etc..
common scenarios, common experiences, all it takes is a split second of eye contact to establish a sense of connection; "I know what you're going through"......
While having a coffee and something to eat in a coffee shop the other day, instead of reading a book which is what I usually do, I decided to just observe the people around me in the coffee shop.
Except for one couple who were talking to each other, all the other patrons had their eyes focused on their "i-thingy's". It seemed quite bizarre to me, couples and families eating lunch together in silence, seemingly totally preoccupied with their gadgets. (Occasionally someone would say something, but that didn't seem to change anyone's focus of attention.)
Whatever was going on on the "i-thingy's", as it seemed to me, was far more deserving of attention than what was actually going on there and then.
Perplexed, I grabbed a napkin and started to jot down some ideas.
a) eyes both sends and receives signals, receiving is passive in nature, sending is inter-active.
b) looking someone in the eyes (sending) when one speaks is inter-active and more demanding of ones attention and energy than receiving.
c) communicating without eye contact is like a "monologue"; the "I", the self, is firmly in the center, but with eye contact it becomes a "dialogue, the self must adjust and rather than just receive also send..
d) some of the things we "say" on the i-thingy's, would we say them face to face, eye to eye?
And if we would, why don't we?
Children seem to have an uncanny knack of picking us adults up on lack of attention.
"Daddy, daddy, look at me!!! Yes, son, I'm looking. No, you're not, you're just pretending to look, coz you are looking at your phone!" Kids know that eye contact means full attention, and mere saying that one is looking, is not enough.
If someone told you that they love you but were "scanning the room" (flitting their eyes here and there) while doing so, would you believe him/her? If someone told you "I believe in you" but kept scrolling their phones while saying it, would you believe them?
If someone said "I'm sorry" to you but wouldn't look you in the eyes while saying it, would you believe him/her?
When you're in an elevator, do you usually make eye contact or avoid eye contact?
Having eye contact, it seems to me, is saying "I see you and I am willing for you to see me", and that, methinks, is a rather intimate and interactive experience, and may I suggest, makes for more enduring relationships.
"Sometimes you have to disconnect to stay connected. Remember the old days when you had eye contact during a conversation? When everyone wasn't looking down at a device in their hands? We have become so focused at that tiny screen that we forget the big picture,... the people right in front of us." (Regina Brett)
"I have a big thing with eye contact, because I think that as soon as you have eye contact with somebody, you see them, and they become valued and worthy." (Mary Lambert)
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