On feeling safe versus being safe........

In conversation with friends, often the subject of feeling "safe" seem to pop up.

Which perhaps is not surprising considering the state of unrest and uncertainty that our planet seems to be going through at the moment.

While watching a current affairs program on the TV, a term (which I have never heard before) was used to explain why so many of us feel unsafe: the lack of "cognitive closure".

The definition of the term used was: Cognitive closure = "humans desire to eliminate ambiguity and to arrive at definite conclusions".

I guess it could also be defined as the need for firm and definitive answers to our questions, although that varies from person to person.

Although the emotion of "the feeling of safety " is an emotion often hidden in our subconscious and not commonly talked about, it is paramount to our well being.

When do we feel safe? According to some, we feel safe when the level of uncertainty is low, when the ability to predict outcomes is high, when there are no threats to our physical and or emotional well-being, and we have cognitive closure.

Some of us may have "safe" places we go to in order to feel safe, as in a place that offers us a sense of security and or protection from harm. In some cases this may mean a physical (actual) place, but it can also be "place" in our minds (mental/psychological). 

During some of my most turbulent and difficult times when my life seemed  to consist of uncertainty and mental anguish, I went in search for a safe place. After trial and error, I discovered that walking on the beach first thing in the morning was my safe place, and this, regardless of whether it was raining or the sun was shining, just walking along the waters edge made me feel both physically and mentally safe. While walking, feeling safe, I was able to gently process my thoughts and alter my perspectives and perceptions. (Eventually I didn't even have to be on the beach physically, I could "go" there in my mind.) 

According to those in the know, feeling safe and being safe are different things.

Feeling emotionally safe comes from within us, often being safe is a question of physicality.

One definition of emotional safety is being able to identify our feelings, allowing ourselves to feel them, and share them with others. In a chat room, conversing with a chap, the subject of feeling safe was brought up. "I don't feel safe about myself" he said. Perplexed I asked: "What do you mean?"

"It's hard to explain, but I feel as if there is no safe place to go to inside of me" he answered. Trying to understand what he meant I asked: "Do you mean that you don't understand your feelings?"

"Perhaps, it's like my head and my feelings don't talk to each other. I think one thing but my feelings seem to say something else. I think that if my thinking lined up with my feelings then I would be able to feel more safe." "Can you give me an example?" I asked.

"Okay, so I am thinking I got to stand up for myself, but my feelings say I'm scared, avoid, avoid, avoid. So, I don't trust my feelings to back up my thinking."

"My belief is that our thoughts and the underlying beliefs that drive them, triggers our emotional responses, if you change your thoughts then your feelings change" I suggested.

"If you think you should stand up for yourself, but in the past when you have done so, you have been hurt, you will remember feeling hurt and so your thinking will then become if I stand up for myself I will be hurt and your feelings will then tell you avoid, avoid, avoid. If you change the thought to I want to stand up for myself because it is important to me even if it can hurt me, then your feelings will change."

Staring at the screen waiting for a response to my comment for what seemed like ages, finally he responded.

"How I think about something is connected to how I feel about that something, if I understand what my underlying beliefs are about that something, then I will understand my emotional response, and if I accept that emotional response as valid, then there will be congruence between my thought and my emotion, which in turn will make me feel more "safe" in myself?" 

"Well, so is my understanding at this point in time and perhaps worth a try? I answered.

"Can't hurt I guess" and with those words he disconnected.

Being safe is important for all living things, hence the many protective guises, colours, markings, etc. to ward off possible threats to survival. The interpretations of what need to be done in order to "being safe" are many and varied depending on species. Thing with us humans as I see it, as well as being safe, we also desire to feel safe and this can often be achieved with the help of cognitive closure.  In my view, uncertainty is the bane of mankind and so we create certainty by finding out how things work, and why so. Thing is, it is possible of being quite safe, yet still feel unsafe.

The possibility of being struck by a lightning-bolt is minuscule, and inside a building with a lightning-rod on the roof, even less so, so anyone inside of the building are being safe, yet I bet, some of the folks in that building would still be feeling unsafe.

Feeling safe comes from within us so they say, and often begins with self-awareness.

When we know who we are, what we stand for and what our belief systems are, we often feel safer about ourselves.

Asking ourselves some questions can often be helpful:

What are my core values and beliefs?

What do I like about me?

What don't I like about me?

What would I like to change about me?

What do I have to offer to others?

Do I have a passion in life?

What do I feel strongly about? 

Just to mention a few......

"The best gift you are ever going to give someone-

the permission to feel safe in their own skin.

To feel worthy.

To feel that they are enough."

(Hannah Brencher)

"The best gift you are ever going to give yourself-

the permission to feel safe in your own skin.

To feel worthy.

To feel that you are enough."

(Citizen Z)

ps: the above painting is a really large pastel on canvas, "A Safe Place"