On overcoming feeling lonely........

(This is a graphite image that I did for an exhibition that never eventuated and until the other day, I had forgotten all about it.)

While watching a movie, a snippet of a conversation between two of the actors caught my attention:

"-But, I feel so alone."

"-We are all alone."

That little snippet reminded me of the graphite image I did years ago.

For those of us who suffer with social anxiety, or anxiety in general, feeling lonely is something many of us often experience, although those experiences vary from person to person.

I don't know how other cultures view feeling lonely, but I have a sneaky suspicion that in most human societies, feeling lonely is something best not talked about...

And images such as the above, are probably far too confrontational and intense for many of us to look at.

But here's the thing, loneliness can be very isolating and destructive when we feel that there is no one we can talk to about it. Working as a phone-crisis-counselor for a time, it became obvious to me just how many people there are who feel lonely and isolated. 90 % of the calls I received were calls from people feeling lonely. There seems to be stigma attached to feeling lonely: "winners don't feel lonely, only losers do, -if we feel lonely it is our own fault, -if we feel lonely we are weak, -if we feel lonely we shouldn't talk about it because it brings others down, -if we feel lonely then we should adopt a more positive attitude and get over it....etc.etc."

(I can't help but wonder if this aversion to talking about loneliness may not have something to do with that it reminds us of our own times of feeling lonely that we rather forget about?)

I think we should talk about it more, more openly and more honestly.

It is quite possible to feel crowded when alone, and alone in a crowd. Have you ever gone someplace that you really didn't want to go to, but because you didn't want to feel lonely you went, only to find out that once you were there, you felt even lonelier? I certainly have, and numerous of times.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with feeling lonely now and then, I view it as just a part of what it is to be a human, however, thanks to modern technology, there are many different options of how we can reach out to others and make connections. 

But before firing up our "i-thingy" it may be helpful to take a moment and ask ourselves honestly how we view feelings of loneliness.... is it: avoid at all cost!, it's a sign of weakness, or "this too will pass"?

Overcoming feelings of loneliness are usually not helped by pushing those feelings aside, what may be more helpful is to accept those feelings, and disregarding whatever "stigmas" your subconscious dishes out. According to those in the know, we all experience times of feeling lonely, what varies greatly, is how we deal with it. 

Let me suggest a few things:

-

Get busy with something of a life-affirming nature (walking, join up with an activity that interests you, do some volunteering, etc.)

-Explore different surroundings (take another route, buy coffee from another place, etc.)

-Get involved with something that matters to you (join a club, a library,  find a hobby, etc.) 

-Invest time and effort into people you care about and who really care about you

-Become an active listener (paying attention to what someone says and asking questions now and then to ensure correct comprehension)

- "The best way to make a friend, is to become one." 

-There are chat rooms/groups/clubs/etc. on the net for just about anything that may interest someone

-HealthfulChat is a site that caters for many people, people feeling lonely and or isolated have their own room for instance 

"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect."

(Chief Seattle)

Home? Please define.......

At the moment, millions of people have had to flee their own countries to find safety and the chance of a peaceful existence for themselves and their loved ones. One of the many countries people have sought refuge in, and still do, is Sweden.

Sweden, one of the Scandinavian countries, nestled in between Norway and Finland. Not a very large country, comparatively speaking, but a country rich in culture and many parts of the country, in my view, offer extraordinarily beautiful nature to behold.

What one may consider beautiful is of course highly subjective, and varies from person to person, but at the moment the heat and humidity here in Australia has me longing for, and missing, snow, cold winds, and fresh, crisp air to breathe. 

I left Sweden a long time ago, but I didn't leave because I had to, or because there were threats to my life, or bombs falling from the skies, etc. I came to Australia to visit my family who had immigrated to Australia and somehow........ I ended up staying.

I was not "fed up" with Sweden, I was not having a "Sea-change", but I did fall in love with the golden beaches, the blue, blue, waters, the palm trees and the very friendly people I met.

The thing with leaving a country behind to begin a new life in another, is that it is not easy, nor simple, rather, it is quite complex and often an emotional roller-coaster ride.

For many of us it means learning a new language, new customs, new cultures, new traditions, new values and ethics, adapting to a new climate, finding ways of befriending new people, etc.etc. it is a steep learning process with many hurdles to overcome.  

For those of us who have had to leave our own countries in order to survive, it is even harder. Somehow the longing for "home" although it may dissipate, more often than not, never goes away. 

From our earliest days as infants, we create a sense of our place in the world/our home, and that sense is about safety and security, and from those early experiences we form our most basic "truths" about ourselves and the world around us, suggests those in the know.

This longing for "home" is a common human experience and one that often involves a "mind-space" rather than an actual physical space. Some examples: "When I met her/him, I felt like I was coming home".......When I heard that music, I felt like I was coming home......First bite I took, and I felt like I was home......... The smell made me feel like I was home... etc.etc. 

(Years ago I recorded an album here in Australia titled "My home is in my Heart" and the idea for the title came from a realization that the heart is the only "space" large enough to have numerous homes.)

For those of us fortunate enough to have been born into safe, loving, and secure homes, home means a place of safety, security, love and inclusion, but there are people who are born into circumstances in which home means the very opposite, and the consequences of such are many and varied, and can often leave both physical and emotional scars for life.  

Even if we leave "home" for whatever reason, I believe that the need for "home" is so strong in all of us that the minute we leave one home, we will begin to search for a new one: a sanctuary for body, mind and soul. 

Although I call Australia home nowadays, sometimes I still miss Sweden, as I am sure many others from other countries living here sometimes also miss their countries of birth, and that in my view is okay. It is quite possible to embrace and love one country while simultaneously feeling the same way about another, just like it is possible to love all one's children equally. I love the seasons in Sweden with all the changing colours, the red-painted cottages, the golden coloured wheat and mustard  fields, the stark colours of the north of the country, the deep impenetrable pine forests, the cold blue lakes, the glittering archipelago, Stockholm and all her amazing islands, the rattle of birch leaves in summer, the candles in the windows at winter time, the sailboats on the lakes in summer, the smell of burning leaves in autumn, and the lilies of the valley in spring.

 But I also love the purple flowers on the jacaranda trees, the vermilion flowers on the flame tree, the smooth and golden sand on the beaches, the oceans surrounding the whole of Australia, the many amazing and unique creatures on land, in water, and in the air, the easy-going-ness of the aussies, and their wicked sense of humour.

If ones home is in ones heart, then why not try to make it spacious enough to include many people, many places, artworks of many kinds, and "bits" from many cultures?

Home is where love rules without limits.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” 

                                                                (Maya Angelou)

On overcoming conflict......

Flicking through a magazine suddenly there it was, a photograph of a soldier on the battlefield.

His gaze, straight into the photographers lens, made me reach for my brushes and paints. (This image however is a cropped edited version of the painting that I made that I used as a T-shirt transfer.)

 This is the the painting in full.

"War...what is it good for? Absolutely nothing." sang the Temptations.

Ever since I started this blog I have had as a rule for myself to avoid writing about religions, politics and money matters, my focus has been, and still is on psychological and philosophical aspects of what many of us humans may experience through our lives.

Conflict, regardless of the reason for it, or who may be right or wrong, in my view affect all of us on many levels, including psychologically and philosophically.

As far as I can ascertain, anytime there is a conflict, often anguish follows.

"More than anything else, human beings want to be right" is the opening statement in a book I read a long time ago, and although I can't seem to remember the author's name, the statement stuck with me.

As I pondered the statement I began to wonder why so many of us humans seem to have such a need for being right. Is it so deeply embedded in our collective psyche and belief systems that we don't even question the validity of that need?

Or if "right" and "wrong" are perhaps mere constructs and not "absolutes"?

"Battles" over who is right and who is wrong seem to be following mankind around like an unshakable shadow, and more often than not, result in a conflict. What's so good about being right that it is worth a conflict?

Well, according to some, it inflates/boosts our sense of self-worth.

Many of us have been taught from the "get-go" that asking the "right" questions is far less important than having the "right" answers, I guess one could suggest that most educational systems are founded on having the right answers rather than the right questions. (In an episode of "The Simpsons", Lisa Simpson gets into trouble for "independent thinking" and sets off an "independent-thought-alarm" by asking too many questions as well as the wrong questions. The episode can be watched on YouTube.)

If being right boosts our sense of self-worth, does being wrong do the opposite? Well, if we are taught that being right makes us winners, then being wrong makes us what?..losers. I challenge that thinking, and the reason I do so is that incorrect information has nothing to do with a persons worth in my opinion. Many conflicts often has very little to do with correct or incorrect information and more to do with people having differing perceptions, personal tastes, and belief system telling him/her/them what is right and wrong. 

In highly competitive societies/cultures, often the insistence of being right can become more important than how it may affect our relationships with others, and this, although the insistence often leads to friction in those relationships. If you had to chose between being right or risking a conflict with a friend/lover/work mate/relative/etc., due to differing views on something, what would you chose? If you had to chose between being correct or risking a conflict with a friend/lover/work mate/relative/etc., due to differing views on something, what would you chose? 

Although perhaps we often view correct and right as meaning the same thing, in my view there is a difference. Correct, implies that there is a definite answer to something as for instance a maths problem, "right", on the other hand, although many may agree as to what is "right", is more a matter of opinion, in my opinion of course..:)

(In Thailand, insisting on being right and by doing so making someone else wrong, is considered bad etiquette.)

In maths, 1+1=2, so someone answering 1, would be wrong? Not so fast Scooter.... what if we add 1 anthill to another anthill, wouldn't we get 1 really big anthill? It is possible isn't it?

It is possible and could even be right, but correct? Not so much.

A conflict is the result of opinions clashing, an active disagreement between people with opposing belief systems, opinions, principles, ..etc. you name it, I am sure mankind can find millions of things to make conflicts out of. 

But what if: 

-instead on insisting on being right, 

we entertained the notion of really trying to understand others

views on what is right to them,

-instead of looking for ways to prove that we are right,

we entertained the notion of finding what we have in common,

-instead of escalating a discussion until it becomes a conflict,

we entertained the notion that it is okay for people to have different views on some things and still be friends,

-instead of valuing being right as a priority,

we entertained the notion that being understanding and compassionate as our top priority?

  "Peace is not the absence of conflict, 

it's the ability to deal with it."

(Mahatma Gandhi)

On feeling safe versus being safe........

In conversation with friends, often the subject of feeling "safe" seem to pop up.

Which perhaps is not surprising considering the state of unrest and uncertainty that our planet seems to be going through at the moment.

While watching a current affairs program on the TV, a term (which I have never heard before) was used to explain why so many of us feel unsafe: the lack of "cognitive closure".

The definition of the term used was: Cognitive closure = "humans desire to eliminate ambiguity and to arrive at definite conclusions".

I guess it could also be defined as the need for firm and definitive answers to our questions, although that varies from person to person.

Although the emotion of "the feeling of safety " is an emotion often hidden in our subconscious and not commonly talked about, it is paramount to our well being.

When do we feel safe? According to some, we feel safe when the level of uncertainty is low, when the ability to predict outcomes is high, when there are no threats to our physical and or emotional well-being, and we have cognitive closure.

Some of us may have "safe" places we go to in order to feel safe, as in a place that offers us a sense of security and or protection from harm. In some cases this may mean a physical (actual) place, but it can also be "place" in our minds (mental/psychological). 

During some of my most turbulent and difficult times when my life seemed  to consist of uncertainty and mental anguish, I went in search for a safe place. After trial and error, I discovered that walking on the beach first thing in the morning was my safe place, and this, regardless of whether it was raining or the sun was shining, just walking along the waters edge made me feel both physically and mentally safe. While walking, feeling safe, I was able to gently process my thoughts and alter my perspectives and perceptions. (Eventually I didn't even have to be on the beach physically, I could "go" there in my mind.) 

According to those in the know, feeling safe and being safe are different things.

Feeling emotionally safe comes from within us, often being safe is a question of physicality.

One definition of emotional safety is being able to identify our feelings, allowing ourselves to feel them, and share them with others. In a chat room, conversing with a chap, the subject of feeling safe was brought up. "I don't feel safe about myself" he said. Perplexed I asked: "What do you mean?"

"It's hard to explain, but I feel as if there is no safe place to go to inside of me" he answered. Trying to understand what he meant I asked: "Do you mean that you don't understand your feelings?"

"Perhaps, it's like my head and my feelings don't talk to each other. I think one thing but my feelings seem to say something else. I think that if my thinking lined up with my feelings then I would be able to feel more safe." "Can you give me an example?" I asked.

"Okay, so I am thinking I got to stand up for myself, but my feelings say I'm scared, avoid, avoid, avoid. So, I don't trust my feelings to back up my thinking."

"My belief is that our thoughts and the underlying beliefs that drive them, triggers our emotional responses, if you change your thoughts then your feelings change" I suggested.

"If you think you should stand up for yourself, but in the past when you have done so, you have been hurt, you will remember feeling hurt and so your thinking will then become if I stand up for myself I will be hurt and your feelings will then tell you avoid, avoid, avoid. If you change the thought to I want to stand up for myself because it is important to me even if it can hurt me, then your feelings will change."

Staring at the screen waiting for a response to my comment for what seemed like ages, finally he responded.

"How I think about something is connected to how I feel about that something, if I understand what my underlying beliefs are about that something, then I will understand my emotional response, and if I accept that emotional response as valid, then there will be congruence between my thought and my emotion, which in turn will make me feel more "safe" in myself?" 

"Well, so is my understanding at this point in time and perhaps worth a try? I answered.

"Can't hurt I guess" and with those words he disconnected.

Being safe is important for all living things, hence the many protective guises, colours, markings, etc. to ward off possible threats to survival. The interpretations of what need to be done in order to "being safe" are many and varied depending on species. Thing with us humans as I see it, as well as being safe, we also desire to feel safe and this can often be achieved with the help of cognitive closure.  In my view, uncertainty is the bane of mankind and so we create certainty by finding out how things work, and why so. Thing is, it is possible of being quite safe, yet still feel unsafe.

The possibility of being struck by a lightning-bolt is minuscule, and inside a building with a lightning-rod on the roof, even less so, so anyone inside of the building are being safe, yet I bet, some of the folks in that building would still be feeling unsafe.

Feeling safe comes from within us so they say, and often begins with self-awareness.

When we know who we are, what we stand for and what our belief systems are, we often feel safer about ourselves.

Asking ourselves some questions can often be helpful:

What are my core values and beliefs?

What do I like about me?

What don't I like about me?

What would I like to change about me?

What do I have to offer to others?

Do I have a passion in life?

What do I feel strongly about? 

Just to mention a few......

"The best gift you are ever going to give someone-

the permission to feel safe in their own skin.

To feel worthy.

To feel that they are enough."

(Hannah Brencher)

"The best gift you are ever going to give yourself-

the permission to feel safe in your own skin.

To feel worthy.

To feel that you are enough."

(Citizen Z)

ps: the above painting is a really large pastel on canvas, "A Safe Place"

Want to improve your relationships? Look people in the eyes when you speak....

Some folks like to paint landscapes, I like to paint faces....a face is a different sort of "landscape" in my view.

(This piece is called "After Katrina", named after the hurricane Katrina which devastated New Orleans in August 2005. It is not the original, but an edited version because running out of money and of canvas, I painted over the original....so unfortunately this is the only copy I have left of the painting.)

In a "face" landscape, one of the most significant features methinks, are the eyes.

"The eyes are the window to the soul" wrote William Shakespeare. 

Eye contact, according to those in the know, is very important when we communicate with others.

Why? you may ask. Let me suggest a few reasons:

It shows that we are interested in the person we are communicating with. Have you ever tried talking with someone who looks at everything else except...... you? How did that make you feel? 

Eye contact shows those we are communicating with that they have our attention.

In many cultures it is often viewed as a sign of respect, and avoiding eye contact especially when communicating a message of importance, is often interpreted as someone being "shifty" and somewhat dubious. Example: "Look me in the eyes when you say that, so I know that you are being honest."

Through eye contact a sense of understanding and kinship can be expressed without having to utter one word. Example: Exiting through the dentist's waiting room after a root canal, exiting through the surgery waiting room after having a plaster cast applied, waiting for the luggage at the carousel, etc.. 

common scenarios, common experiences, all it takes is a split second of eye contact to establish a sense of connection; "I know what you're going through"......

While having a coffee and something to eat in a coffee shop the other day, instead of reading a book which is what I usually do, I decided to just observe the people around me in the coffee shop.

Except for one couple who were talking to each other, all the other patrons had their eyes focused on their "i-thingy's". It seemed quite bizarre to me, couples and families eating lunch together in silence, seemingly totally preoccupied with their gadgets.  (Occasionally someone would say something, but that didn't seem to change anyone's focus of attention.)

Whatever was going on on the "i-thingy's", as it seemed to me, was far more deserving of attention than what was actually going on there and then.

Perplexed, I grabbed a napkin and started to jot down some ideas.

a) eyes both sends and receives signals, receiving is passive in nature, sending is inter-active.

b) looking someone in the eyes (sending) when one speaks is inter-active and more demanding of ones attention and energy than receiving.

c) communicating without eye contact is like a "monologue"; the "I", the self, is firmly in the center, but with eye contact it becomes a "dialogue, the self must adjust and rather than just receive also send..

d) some of the things we "say" on the i-thingy's, would we say them face to face, eye to eye?

And if we would, why don't we?

Children seem to have an uncanny knack of picking us adults up on lack of attention.

"Daddy, daddy, look at me!!! Yes, son, I'm looking. No, you're not, you're just pretending to look, coz you are looking at your phone!" Kids know that eye contact means full attention, and mere saying that one is looking, is not enough.

If someone told you that they love you but were "scanning the room" (flitting their eyes here and there) while doing so, would you believe him/her? If someone told you "I believe in you" but kept scrolling their phones while saying it, would you believe them?

If someone said "I'm sorry" to you but wouldn't look you in the eyes while saying it, would you believe him/her?

When you're in an elevator, do you usually make eye contact or avoid eye contact?

Having eye contact, it seems to me, is saying "I see you and I am willing for you to see me", and that, methinks, is a rather intimate and interactive experience, and may I suggest, makes for more enduring relationships.

"Sometimes you have to disconnect to stay connected. Remember the old days when you had eye contact during a conversation? When everyone wasn't looking down at a device in their hands? We have become so focused at that tiny screen that we forget the big picture,... the people right in front of us." (Regina Brett)

"I have a big thing with eye contact, because I think that as soon as you have eye contact with somebody, you see them, and they become valued and worthy." (Mary Lambert)

Living on the razor's edge...can be deadly.......

This is a painting loosely depicting Billie Holiday, in my view one of the greatest Jazz singers ever. For those of you not familiar with her, please check her out on the net, YouTube, or wherever you can find one of her recordings. She was also called "Lady Day", and the white gardenias in her hair was her trademark/thing.

White gardenias,

a velvet voice,

a life of struggles,

not by choice.

A turbulent childhood,

on the streets of Harlem,

too often abandoned,

yet eventually stardom.

Juvenile court

at the age of nine,

a truant, a rebel,

with a voice divine.

Not yet fourteen

yet a lady of the night,

for just a few dollars,

no longer a child.

Then a change,

 she started to sing,

working in nightclubs,

learning to swing.

A man of importance,

impressed by young Billie,

a recording the offer,

with swing-man Benny.

She sang her way

into peoples hearts,

her reputation grew,

as her songs climbed the charts.

Though admired 

and loved by many,

the colour of her skin,

often an enemy.

She sought solace

and peace of mind,

at the bottom of the bottle

and drugs of many kinds.

She looked for love

in all the wrong places,

with disastrous outcomes

and dire consequences.

But Billie kept singing,

in spite of her demons,

in spite of her pain,

and her broken feelings.

Billie was born on a razor's edge,

but in spite of this, may I allege,

it was a life deeply profound,

and beneficial to all of mankind.

 A life on the razor's edge,

is a dangerous life to live,

cuts and scars are givens

for all of those who try.

(Citizen Z)

"You can be up to your boobies in white satin, with gardenias in your hair and no sugar cane for miles, but you can still be working on a plantation." (Billie Holiday, 1915-1959)