Love doesn't say "if you change I will love you", .... we do.

Love, what is it?

I guess it can be viewed as one of those "unknown" that many of us may think we know, yet when it comes down to it, defining exactly what it is, (in my view) can be very difficult.

Flicking through one of my many note books I came across something that I had written:

"To love may require ones heart to be in a constant state of repair and rebirth."

Hmmm..... There are many, many, theories on what "love" is and what it isn't, (perhaps as many as there are human beings?) but for the purpose of this post, I am going to focus on what may happen when our expectations/perceptions of the "do's" and "don'ts's" of love, clashes with someone we love.

"If you love me, you will..... (insert here your own expectations)........".

"If you love me, you will never....(insert here your own expectations)........".  However, do expectations perhaps interfere with rather than support love?

"Love expects no reward. Love knows no fear. Love Divine gives – does not demand. Love thinks no evil; imputes no motive. To Love is to share and serve." (Swami Sivananda)

"Real love, true love is unconditional, love that places conditions on another is counterfeit, not real at all." (Neale Donald Walsch)

My first question is; do we ourselves know what we expect from loving and being loved? The next question is; would it be helpful to question whether expectations really has anything to do with love or not? According to the above quotes, no, love does not seek its own rewards.

Let me use some examples which may be helpful.

"If you really love me, then you wouldn't spend so much time doing.....xxx...." he/she says.

"I love you, you're my child, so if you love me, then you will not...xxx..." the mother/father says.

"You're my best friend and you mean the world to me, and as my best friend you wouldn't ......xxx..." the friend says.

Often we perhaps assume that those who are close to us share our belief systems without having actually talked about our views, and in my experience, this at times can cause conflicts.

Examples: A husband/partner buys flowers for his wife because in his view, it is an expression of his love. The wife becomes suspicious and thinks her husband has done something he feels guilty about, because when she was growing up, her dad always bought her mother flowers when he had been up to mischief.

A wife/partner decides she wants to do more overtime at work to help out more with the finances (a loving gesture in her view), the husband/partner thinks his wife/partner is unsatisfied with his efforts because when he was growing up, his mother always complained that his father didn't earn enough money.

A teenager suddenly starts being late home after school everyday, and when asked, avoids giving a straight answer. The parents worry the he/she is mixing with the wrong people and being up to no good because when they were his/her age, they did some crazy things. The teenager has taken on a few hours work at the local McDonalds in order to earn some money to buy his/her parents a surprise anniversary gift.

It is hard perhaps to avoid having expectations when it comes to love in view of that we all have so many different experiences of it, but perhaps it may be helpful if we can identify what those expectations are and if they are reasonable? Reasonable, from the perspective of: if I expect those I love to live up to my expectations, do I live up to them as well? Have I expressed my expectations clearly, and if there are differences, can I be understanding and flexible enough to adjust my expectations? In my view, love does not have boundaries, our expectations do.

Love does not insist on being "right", our egos do. Love does not remember past mistakes, but our pride does. Love doesn't ask "how much?", our sense of entitlement does. Love doesn't ask "for how long?", our fear does. Love doesn't say "if you change I will love you", .... we do.

 

"The stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while bamboo or willow survive by bending with the wind."

(Bruce Lee)