Day 1
Well, I don't know how to start this. Dear Journal? Dear diary? Anyway, since it was suggested to me to start writing down what's on my mind, I will try to jot down my thoughts although I feel like a fool. Why would writing down on paper what goes on in my mind make any difference?
Day 2
I don't like writing dear journal or dear diary, so I am going to write: Hey Logbook.
Hey Logbook: I had a bad day yesterday. Seems no matter how hard I try to befriend people, they seem uninterested. What is it that I am doing wrong? I mean, other people seem to find it so easy to just start a conversation. Am I uninteresting?
Day 3
Hey Logbook: I have been thinking about whether I am uninteresting or not, so I secretly recorded a conversation on my phone that I had with Michael. When I listened back I was surprised to notice how fast and loudly I was speaking. Michael hardly said a word. Do I do this all the time? Maybe I am not uninteresting, maybe I am just too loud? I also noticed that I didn't seem to listen to Michael when he did say something. Do I speak too fast and too loud?
Day 4
Hey Logbook: Today I have been concentrating on trying to not talk too fast, and to listen to what other people say. It's hard not to jump in a correct people when they say stuff that's obviously wrong. I mean, if I don't tell them they are wrong, how will they know? I did notice that when I correct people, they seem to get annoyed and walk away. At least I was speaking slowly when I was telling them.
Day 5
Hey Logbook: Took forever to fall asleep last night on account of my mind being unsettled. Why do people get so angry when you tell them they are wrong? This thought kept me up all hours, but then I started to think about how angry I get when someone tells me I am wrong. Being right feels good, now why is that? And then I started thinking about that perhaps being right feels good in one way, but that feeling included feels better.
Day 6
Hey Logbook: I have been trying real hard to not tell people when they are wrong, I have also started to listen more, and I try to make sure that I don't speak too loudly or too fast. At work this morning, Michael came up to me and asked me if I was okay. He said that I have seemed different lately. I told him that I was okay and that I was just working some stuff out. I have noticed that listening to people without judging feels good.
Day 7
Hey Logbook: Had a bad dream last night. Dreamt about being back in high school and being bullied. Seems like it is hard to get away from the memories of those horrible years. I woke up in a sweat and found it hard to get back to sleep. What was so wrong with me that they bullied me all the time? Thinking about that made me think about what I was like in high school. Next I started to wonder if I used to speak fast and loud then too, and if I used to correct people all the time. Even if I did, it still didn't give the bullies the right to bully me all the time. Tomorrow I am going to say nice things to people at work cause I know how good it feels for me when someone does.
Day 8
Hey Logbook: I told Michael today that I like his new car. It seemed to make him happy because he talked to me much longer than he usually does. It felt good and I felt like got to know him a little better. I am starting to think that perhaps this writing about what's on my mind is helpful because I am starting to notice things I haven't noticed before.
Day 9
Hey Logbook: Dad called last night. As per usual he told me how I do things the wrong way, and how I should learn to mix with people better, but in the middle of him going on and on, I suddenly realised just how loud and fast he was speaking. Instead of getting angry with him, I just listened. It felt good. If this is how I used to talk to people, no wonder they used to walk away I thought. I guess its not only about the words I use when I speak that matters, but also how I speak, so I am trying to be aware of how others may experience what I am saying. I don't correct people anymore when I think they are wrong, I just ask them how they have come to hold the opinion they hold. I don't like it when dad tells me I am wrong all the time, so I am guessing others don't like it either.
Although I am the one writing in this book, somehow it feels as if by writing down my thoughts, another part of me listens and helps me to find answers.
Day 10
Hey Logbook: Michael asked me to go for a test drive in his car today.
Things are changing, I am changing. For the better.
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