When people let you down..........

Marilyn Monroe lived for 40 years. She began as plain ol' Norma Rae, but ended as Marilyn Monroe,...STAR.

"Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you." (Marilyn)

"I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else." (Marilyn)

At the end of her life Marilyn had become reclusive and after reading some very heart crunching entries in one of her diaries, I tend to believe that she gave up.....on love, on people, on illusions. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but I doubt they could soothe Marilyn's troubled soul.

In the last few days I have been asked why people let you down by a number of people from all walks in life, including myself and my son.

My son's hero turned out to be an insensitive diva(my son's words), the "front" it proved, was just a "front" and my son re-named him "the smiling assassin".

The father/mother who brake their promises, the partner who is unfaithful, the work mate who spreads rumours, the friend who stands you up, and so on. There seem to be no end to the many different ways us humans are able to let each other down.

But here is a thought; when we feel that we are let down, perhaps there is a conflict/incongruence between our and "the others" expectations.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are", wrote Anais Nin and perhaps those words can throw some light on the subject.

Someone may view "later" as in a few hours, another may view "later" as in sometime in the future, someone may view "forever" as until death do us part, another may view it "as long as my feelings don't change". Someone may view "best friend" as THE best friend, another as the best friend right now, someone may view "I have your back" as in no matter what, another as "as long as having your back don't put me in a bad situation".

Ours, and others expectations can be very different and assuming we know without actually having talked about it, we enter very murky waters. "I don't want to go to college, I want to travel" says the daughter. "What do you mean, didn't you always want to become a doctor?" says the father. "I never said that dad, you did", answers the daughter.

At times our expectations may seem so real, natural and certain, that we forget to ask ourselves if that really is the case. "Ofcourse he would never do such a thing, he has the same morals and ethics as me". "Have you ever discussed or talked about it?" "No, but I just know", or perhaps "Yes, he told me". But here's the thing, sometimes we do things that we ourselves didn't expect we would do.

"To be human, is to err"  said Alexander Pope.

I personally don't believe that we can change who people are but we can change who we are. We can ask ourselves if our expectations are reasonable, balanced, and if someone else is involved, do they share our views?

One definition of expectations is: ideals/beliefs we have of how things/people should behave.

"That's all well and good, but surely there are some "inalienable" (absolute) expectations one could have, such as the Golden Rule?" you may ask. (Golden Rule: Treat others as you would have them treat you.) Well, we can perhaps expect it, but that does not necessarily mean that others will comply.

And when someone doesn't adhere to the Golden Rule but we do, then often we feel let down.

In the Simpsons, Montgomery Burns tries to snatch Maggie's beloved teddy from her, which most of us would probably consider an appalling act; we would not expect an adult to selfishly snatch a toy from a child.

However, the teddy used to belong to Montgomery Burns but he has lost it. In the scuffling back and forth with the teddy, Maggie realises that Montgomery Burns loves the teddy too, so she let's go of it. Maggie knows the Golden Rule....:)

In hindsight, I have realised that many of the times when I felt let down by someone, it had more to do with my own expectations rather than with the other person's behaviour.

Some suggest to not expect anything, that way you will not be disappointed: "Blessed is he who never expects anything, for he shall never be disappointed". (Alexander Pope)

If avoiding disappointment is important, then perhaps expecting nothing is a good strategy, but it may also preclude us from feelings of anticipation, hope, delight, and joy. If a person behaves in a way that is in conflict with his/her moral code, then he/she may feel that he/she let him/herself down. If a person behaves in a way that is in conflict with his friends moral code, he may feel that he let his friends down, if a child behaves in a way that is in conflict with his parents moral code, he may feel that he let his parents down and so on. Whether that actually is the case or not may only be clarified by speaking with the person/s involved; "I'm sorry I was late, I know that punctuality is important to you." "Are you okay, did something happen?"(He knows I'm a stickler for punctuality, something must have happened) "Yes, there was a pile up on the free-way."

or

"I'm sorry I was late, I know that punctuality is important to you." "Yes, so knowing that why are you late, I've been waiting for ages." (I'm offended, you let me down) "There was a pile up on the freeway and I got stuck, there was nothing I could do about it". (I didn't cause the pile up!!!)

If you are feeling that you have let down your partner, friend, parent, et cetera, may I suggest that you ask them if that is the case, and vice verse.

If we don't ask we may end up assuming and that may just make things worse, and the same goes for telling(informing not pontificating) people when we feel they have let us down, bearing in mind that we all live according to our own "truths".

"I never wanted to be Marilyn, it just happened- Marilyn's is like a veil I wear over Norma Jean."

"I once wanted to prove myself by being a great actress. Now I want to prove that I am a person, then maybe I will be a great actress." (Marilyn Monroe)

According to what I have read about Marilyn, she often felt let down by others, and according to directors, producers and such, she often let them down.

Perhaps as humans we can't help ourselves; we let people down now and then, but a good thing is that we can chose how we want to deal with it when it happens.

If you feel someone let you down, maybe you need to tell them, but be clear and reasonable and remember that everyone has their own truth, but perhaps even before you do that, question your own expectations and whether they are also reasonable.

 

"Be calm and strong and patient. Meet failure and disappointment with courage. Rise superior to the trials of life, and never give in to hopelessness or despair. In danger, in adversity, cling to your principles and ideals." (Sir William Osler)

 

“I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.”   (Marilyn Monroe)

 

I never wanted to be Marilyn - it just happened. Marilyn's like a veil I wear over Norma Jeane.
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