Home is where the heart is.....

 

Going home....

What does "home" mean to you? A person, a neighbourhood, a building, a country, a feeling, a memory?

I have lived in so many, many places, with so many different people, that when I was asked : "and where is home then?" I had to answer "my home is in my heart". I have lived in the UK, USA, Sweden and now Australia, so now "home" no longer is a physical space but rather a "space in my heart, a "state of mind". "Home" for many is a place of safety and security, a place where one can be oneself, ones own domain; "I" rule supreme, a place where one belongs, a place of warmth and acceptance, and......insert here your own definitions......

Of course, for some, home is where the abuse takes place, the violence, the aggression, and the intimidation et cetera. Working for a year with people who were homeless, I realised that "home" is a very complex concept if one includes into the definition more than "an address".
(Not having a fixed address, I was informed by one of the homeless people; "is like not existing at all, like becoming invisible to the rest of society". In Australia, roughly 105.240 people are homeless, which is 0.5% of the population.)

Do many of us perhaps consider/view home as a "safe harbour" regardless of what we experienced as home when we were growing up?

"The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home." (Confucius)

"Where you are, that is home." (Emily Dickinson)

"The ache for home lives in all of us...the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." (Maya Angelou)

Our concepts of home, how do they affect our expectations in life? Our concepts of home may nourish but perhaps also inhibit us; growing up in a safe and nurturing home environment often encourages trust, comfort, and a sense of safety; but if we grow up in a home constantly affected by disruption, chaos, hostility and "moving goal posts", we may become suspicious, find it hard to trust anyone/thing, and experience the world as an un-safe place. Or perhaps, regardless of our experiences of home so far, we may still long and or seek for our "safe harbour", a place where when we close the door, we feel safe, relaxed, accepted and emotionally at rest.

Home for some of us may perhaps also be another person. Sarah Darling sings in her song "Home to me": "Anywhere, anyplace I go
You feel like home to me
You feel like home to me."

Tyrone Wells in his song also titled "Home to me" sings as well: "you feel like home to me.
you're where I want to be.
oh, these windows and doors just don't do it no more.
you feel like home to me".

My son has a cat that lives with us; Lovecraft; recently it has come to our attention that if either one of us is not home at night, Lovecraft seems to become very unsettled. She will "stay guard" out front and wait for the return of the "missing" person, and only when the missing person has returned will she come inside and settle down. (Is it possible that a cat has a sense of "home" similar to a human?)

I first heard the line: "You feel like home to me" in a Missy Higgins song and the words spoke to me.

People(individuals) can feel like "home" I thought? I pondered it and realised that as a kid, mom and dad felt like home to me regardless of where we were. As married, my spouse felt like home to me. And now, when I can't find the blasted cat before bedtime, my home feels unsettled. Sheeesh!

Okay then, so far: there is home as in a particular place/space, there is home as in a state of mind, and there is home as an emotional state. To "feel at home" perhaps is to feel at ease, to be comfortable where we are, and to understand the context. If we search for "home" only in a building, we may discover that a house does not necessarily automatically turn into a "home", if we search for "home" only in another human, we may discover that humans often change and we may suddenly find ourselves "homeless", if we search for "home" as in a "mindset" only, we may find ourselves on shaky ground if an unforeseen tragedy strikes......so perhaps the saying: "Home is where your heart is" by Pliny the Elder is good advice?

In a moment of nostalgia I felt the urge to paint something that reminded me of "home" from my childhood in Sweden...and I guess no matter where I am, I still carry a small piece of Sweden with me in my heart, but I have learnt this: Wherever you are, be there.

"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave but not our hearts.

(Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.)

 

 

To be a "dreamer" is not a put-down, it's a compliment...

 

At the moment I am exhibiting a collection of works called "American Dreamers".

It is not about the "The American Dream, i.e. the idea that all people can have happy and successful lives if they work hard, rather it is about people having a dream, the individual dreaming that one day they will be able to: become a great singer, a great baseball player, leading a country to a better and more human society, of finding a peaceful and safe community in which to bring up their children, and so on. Basically it is about hope for the future.

(Most of the works from the collection are on this blog so if you fell like looking for them, the hallmark is that all the images contain the American flag as a background, most recently the blog called "When people let you down..")

So far there has been a very modest attendance at the exhibition, but yesterday something good, precious, happened that all the money in the world can't buy.

One of the proprietors of the gallery introduced a young woman to me and asked if I could show her the exhibition, a guided tour so to speak. I asked if she was interested in art and she answered: well, why not?

So we walked from one painting to the next, I told the story behind them, spoke a little bit about the technique used and so forth. Meanwhile her partner quietly wandered around the space, seemingly deeply involved in his own experiences and interpretations.

After we finished the "tour" she looked at me and asked: "Why is it called "American Dreamers"?

I answered that I believe that it is very important for us humans to have dreams. "Well", she said, "that one over there(pointing to her partner studying one of the paintings close-up), is a dreamer alright." I could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't that sure she considered to be "a dreamer", to be a good thing. "There are many amazing things invented, achieved, constructed, and experienced due to people having had dreams", I said. "Think about telephones, flying and aeroplanes, computers, spaceships et cetera...often great ideas begin as a dream."

She was quiet for a moment, then asked: "You think being a dreamer is a good thing then?"

"Yes, I believe "dreamers" contribute much to a well-functioning society", I answered.

She stood quiet for a minute then said: "Thank you, I really needed to hear that, I have never thought of it in that way". 

After she left with her partner, I started to think about how we use the word "dreamer". Researching the word dreamer these are some of the definitions I found: "a person who is unpractical or idealistic", "a person who lives in a fantasy", "a person whose ideas and plans are not practical or based in reality", "a person whose ideas or projects are considered audacious or highly speculative; visionary. But I also found this: "A dreamer is someone who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world". (Oscar Wilde)
“It is interesting that we call something good a “dream,” but being called a “dreamer” is somewhat of a put down. Without dreamers, no dream would ever be given reality, and we would live in a very small and shallow world". (Vera Nazarian) "Visionary builds what dreamers imagined." (Toba Beta)
"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon seem inevitable."  (Christopher Reeve)
For some of us, having a "dream" can be a motivating force, helping us overcome many obstacles and fears. Although, trying to fulfil/achieve a dream, carries with it an element of risk. The risk of failure, the risk of being considered a "fool", the risk of being viewed as unrealistic, impractical, and so on.
Many people have risked their lives pursuing the dream of living somewhere free from oppression, tyranny, dictatorship, poverty, starvation, war and other adversities.
Walt Disney said: "If you can dream it, you can do it". There is an element of "doing" that comes after the dreaming it seems. If you dream of being a great baseball player but never pick up a bat, chances are slim that you will be able to fulfil that dream. If you dream of being a musician but never buy an instrument, or learn how to use one that you have....chances are slim that you will fulfil that dream. To fulfil my dream of becoming a professional musician I practised the piano for hours on end, listened to music of all varieties, went to concerts, music school, conservatorium and University. It took a lot of doing to fulfil the dream, but I did it. To turn a dream into a "reality" requires action and at times, ignoring the "nay-sayers". (Some find it easier to say "it will never happen" rather than asking how it can happen, I have found)
Robert Kennedy said: "There are those who look at things the way they are and ask why........I dream of things that never were and ask why not?"
What about day-dreaming?  When we day-dream we are often somewhat detached from our immediate situation, although our day-dreaming may include visualising ourselves having attained our "dreams", and as such they may possibly help us stay motivated and task orientated in achieving our dreams. (Some research suggest that we spend large portions of our day daydreaming.)
Eric Klinger, a professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota suggests that "Daydreams help us to get the most out of our brain power, and are an essential personal resource for coping with life." Which is quite different from the often held view that daydreaming is having our heads in the clouds, or wasting time.
Daydreaming about ....insert here your own thing........may lead to a dream, which may inspire an action which may lead to the fulfilment of that dream. But what if a person doesn't have a "dream"?
Perhaps use another word; what do you hope for...?
Both offer a sense of purpose. And according to Nietzsche:  “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
"Cut not the wings of your dreams,
for they are the heartbeat and the freedom of your soul." (Flavia)
Perhaps I will let Henry David Thoreau have the last word :
"Go confidently
In the direction of your Dreams.
Live the life
you've imagined!"

ps: about the painting......sometimes a bit of "fuzziness" allows the imagination to soar.

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/words/dr/dreamer157220.html#Ok6bW2y296mTSjeX.99

When people let you down..........

Marilyn Monroe lived for 40 years. She began as plain ol' Norma Rae, but ended as Marilyn Monroe,...STAR.

"Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn't that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you." (Marilyn)

"I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else." (Marilyn)

At the end of her life Marilyn had become reclusive and after reading some very heart crunching entries in one of her diaries, I tend to believe that she gave up.....on love, on people, on illusions. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but I doubt they could soothe Marilyn's troubled soul.

In the last few days I have been asked why people let you down by a number of people from all walks in life, including myself and my son.

My son's hero turned out to be an insensitive diva(my son's words), the "front" it proved, was just a "front" and my son re-named him "the smiling assassin".

The father/mother who brake their promises, the partner who is unfaithful, the work mate who spreads rumours, the friend who stands you up, and so on. There seem to be no end to the many different ways us humans are able to let each other down.

But here is a thought; when we feel that we are let down, perhaps there is a conflict/incongruence between our and "the others" expectations.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are", wrote Anais Nin and perhaps those words can throw some light on the subject.

Someone may view "later" as in a few hours, another may view "later" as in sometime in the future, someone may view "forever" as until death do us part, another may view it "as long as my feelings don't change". Someone may view "best friend" as THE best friend, another as the best friend right now, someone may view "I have your back" as in no matter what, another as "as long as having your back don't put me in a bad situation".

Ours, and others expectations can be very different and assuming we know without actually having talked about it, we enter very murky waters. "I don't want to go to college, I want to travel" says the daughter. "What do you mean, didn't you always want to become a doctor?" says the father. "I never said that dad, you did", answers the daughter.

At times our expectations may seem so real, natural and certain, that we forget to ask ourselves if that really is the case. "Ofcourse he would never do such a thing, he has the same morals and ethics as me". "Have you ever discussed or talked about it?" "No, but I just know", or perhaps "Yes, he told me". But here's the thing, sometimes we do things that we ourselves didn't expect we would do.

"To be human, is to err"  said Alexander Pope.

I personally don't believe that we can change who people are but we can change who we are. We can ask ourselves if our expectations are reasonable, balanced, and if someone else is involved, do they share our views?

One definition of expectations is: ideals/beliefs we have of how things/people should behave.

"That's all well and good, but surely there are some "inalienable" (absolute) expectations one could have, such as the Golden Rule?" you may ask. (Golden Rule: Treat others as you would have them treat you.) Well, we can perhaps expect it, but that does not necessarily mean that others will comply.

And when someone doesn't adhere to the Golden Rule but we do, then often we feel let down.

In the Simpsons, Montgomery Burns tries to snatch Maggie's beloved teddy from her, which most of us would probably consider an appalling act; we would not expect an adult to selfishly snatch a toy from a child.

However, the teddy used to belong to Montgomery Burns but he has lost it. In the scuffling back and forth with the teddy, Maggie realises that Montgomery Burns loves the teddy too, so she let's go of it. Maggie knows the Golden Rule....:)

In hindsight, I have realised that many of the times when I felt let down by someone, it had more to do with my own expectations rather than with the other person's behaviour.

Some suggest to not expect anything, that way you will not be disappointed: "Blessed is he who never expects anything, for he shall never be disappointed". (Alexander Pope)

If avoiding disappointment is important, then perhaps expecting nothing is a good strategy, but it may also preclude us from feelings of anticipation, hope, delight, and joy. If a person behaves in a way that is in conflict with his/her moral code, then he/she may feel that he/she let him/herself down. If a person behaves in a way that is in conflict with his friends moral code, he may feel that he let his friends down, if a child behaves in a way that is in conflict with his parents moral code, he may feel that he let his parents down and so on. Whether that actually is the case or not may only be clarified by speaking with the person/s involved; "I'm sorry I was late, I know that punctuality is important to you." "Are you okay, did something happen?"(He knows I'm a stickler for punctuality, something must have happened) "Yes, there was a pile up on the free-way."

or

"I'm sorry I was late, I know that punctuality is important to you." "Yes, so knowing that why are you late, I've been waiting for ages." (I'm offended, you let me down) "There was a pile up on the freeway and I got stuck, there was nothing I could do about it". (I didn't cause the pile up!!!)

If you are feeling that you have let down your partner, friend, parent, et cetera, may I suggest that you ask them if that is the case, and vice verse.

If we don't ask we may end up assuming and that may just make things worse, and the same goes for telling(informing not pontificating) people when we feel they have let us down, bearing in mind that we all live according to our own "truths".

"I never wanted to be Marilyn, it just happened- Marilyn's is like a veil I wear over Norma Jean."

"I once wanted to prove myself by being a great actress. Now I want to prove that I am a person, then maybe I will be a great actress." (Marilyn Monroe)

According to what I have read about Marilyn, she often felt let down by others, and according to directors, producers and such, she often let them down.

Perhaps as humans we can't help ourselves; we let people down now and then, but a good thing is that we can chose how we want to deal with it when it happens.

If you feel someone let you down, maybe you need to tell them, but be clear and reasonable and remember that everyone has their own truth, but perhaps even before you do that, question your own expectations and whether they are also reasonable.

 

"Be calm and strong and patient. Meet failure and disappointment with courage. Rise superior to the trials of life, and never give in to hopelessness or despair. In danger, in adversity, cling to your principles and ideals." (Sir William Osler)

 

“I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't.”   (Marilyn Monroe)

 

I never wanted to be Marilyn - it just happened. Marilyn's like a veil I wear over Norma Jeane.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/marilynmon498592.html#kKFXu0XwedJY1Gz6.99

"You're just too...(sensitive, deep, anxious, cautious, serious, touchy etc.)

 

Have you ever been told you're too........sensitive, anxious, serious, deep thinking, touchy?

Can one assume by the use of "too" that there is a "right" amount of such?

Be anxious, but only the right amount, be sensitive but only the right amount of...?

Other times the word "over" is used, as in over-sensitive, over-anxious.. and so on, which leads me to ponder is there an "under"? Have you ever been told you are under-anxious, under-sensitive, under-serious and or so on?

How much is the right amount, and if there is such an amount, how was that established?

If a person finds him/herself incapacitated to the extent of not being able to function in a way that he/she desires due to anxiety or strong emotions of a varied nature, then perhaps it can be constructive and helpful to investigate why it is so.

Statistics show us that more and more people suffer with various forms of anxiety issues such as: GAD; generalised anxiety disorder, Social phobia, Panic attacks, OCD; obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD; post traumatic stress disorder, specific phobias such as irrational fears that applies to specific situations i.e. public speaking, flying etc.

Why do some of us worry more than others, and are there times when worrying is perhaps the "normal/right/natural" emotional response to a situation? A few situations:

A car brake-down late at night, a child being late home from school, a lump in a strange place on your body, loss of a job, a wage cut, your partner leaving the room to answer the phone when it rings, a friend who suddenly is too busy every time you suggest meeting up, and so on.

To worry, or be anxious, in the above situations would probably be a very common response.

When we feel anxious/worried, our adrenaline response is activated, we ready ourselves to fight or flight, or even freeze when necessary for survival. Our senses are heightened and can help us focus whether there is an actual danger or a perceived one.

The thing is, one person may consider something an actual threat while someone else may experience the same situation as a perceived threat and or potential danger.

Perhaps you don't worry about being food poisoned when you buy take-away food, but some do, perhaps you don't worry about flying, but some do, perhaps you don't worry about going to the dentist, but some do, perhaps you don't worry about eating in a restaurant or going to the movies by yourself, but some do.

Perhaps you don't want to think deeply or worry about the world and it's many problems, but some do, perhaps you don't like to get "touchy-feely" or worry about what others feel, but some do, perhaps you don't want to think or worry about what happens when we die, but some do.

Either way, we are all different and respond differently according to how we "see things" and what one person may view as too sensitive, another may view as not sensitive enough.

But for those of you who often find yourself labelled by others as "too- this that or the other" and find it disconcerting, I have a thought......

If you consider yourself an anxious person yet manage to overcome your anxiety time and time again are you not also a brave person?

If you consider yourself a deep-thinking person and use your insight to better understand the world you live in, are you not also a considerate person?

If you consider yourself a sensitive person and you apply your sensitivity to identify and empathise with others experiences, are you not also a caring person?

A perfectionist perhaps can be viewed as a person with a great eye for details, a "worrier" perhaps as a person committed to being prepared for eventualities?

I have often been told that I am too deep, too serious, too sensitive, worry too much, and so on..... and for many years,  I didn't even ask myself if I actually thought so too, I just felt that somehow I was experiencing things "wrongly" until a wise person asked me if I agreed with those sentiments.

What I did agree with, was that at times I did tend to worry "too" much, because there were times when my worrying would overwhelm, and inhibit me, but more often than not, my worrying(anxiousness) also motivated me to be observant, vigilant and prepared.

"Better safe than sorry" works for me.

Soren Kierkegaard (Existential philosopher) felt that "anxiety can be our best teacher."

If you view yourself as a sensitive person (without the "too")then ponder this:

15-20% of us are sensitive's, it is innate(inborn), we are more aware of subtleties, we are often misunderstood, we are also often very creative, attentive and thoughtful, writes Elaine N Aaron in her book "The Highly Sensitive Person".

When we are told that we are "too" anything, I can't help but wonder if there is not a subtext saying that there is a "right" amount; you're too kind, soft, sensitive, touchy-feely, anxious, caring, open, et cetera, or ...too: hard, cold, analytical, closed-minded, stubborn, harsh, et cetera.

So once again I ask: "What's the right amount and who determines it?"

If your anxiety and or sensitivity in any way inhibits your life, perhaps it may benefit you to consider whether the word "too" applies to you, and if such is the case, there are many books, web sites and professional people who can help you deal with it.

 

“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”

(Anthon St. Maarten)

 

PS: While searching for a good quote on sensitivity I was struck by how often it is viewed as a "negative" as well as how often the word "too" seems to proceed it.

 



Why do things have to go wrong?

So you have done all the right things, prepared to the best of your abilities, yet somehow things go wrong. "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong" said Murphy. (Murphy's law)

Why is that?

And is it true or is it a matter of perspective perhaps?

A man rushes to the airport but doesn't get there in time. The plane takes off and an hour later it crashes. Or, a man rushes to the airport, but doesn't get there in time, the plane takes off and he misses his appointment for the new job. The job is offered to the next in line, and the man misses out.

There are probably numerous times in our lives when things have gone wrong due to unforeseen circumstances, reasons out of our control, that in hindsight seem to have been for the better.

Seeing the "bigger picture" can at times be difficult, what we experience in the "now" can be so powerful that the "smaller" picture may feel as if it is the only picture there is.

Of course, the future hasn't happened yet, and the past is gone, so now is really all we have, so no wonder really when we get upset when things go wrong, one may conclude.

I guess it may have a lot to do with "variables". A variable is something that can be changed, such as a characteristic or a value, a common term in science and maths, but I would like to expand the term to include people, people's behaviours, most things to do with humans even.

Whatever we do, in whatever area, if it includes human beings there is always a possibility for something going wrong. Human beings are not to my knowledge; infallible.

I have often experienced this as a performing musician; no matter how much we have rehearsed, prepared, checked and double checked, something more often than not,...goes wrong.

The bass player forgot his new strings, the drummer left his stick bag behind, the singer forgot his lyrics, the keyboard player lost her sheet music, the sax player forgot to bring fresh reeds, and so on.

And even when none of this happens, there's always the other things that can go wrong; the lead crackles, the amp stops working, the sound system loses power, the microphone doesn't work, et cetera. Chances are, that this probably applies to many, many areas of human endeavours.

My son recently did a gig that he had meticulously prepared for.

 He had spent hours doing everything within his power to make the gig a success, considered all angles, he was truly prepared.

However, there were sound system issues, some people were suffering from a lack of sleep, there were some communication issues, and basically it didn't go as he had planned. "It was horrible" he said.

None of it had anything to do with him, it was circumstantial, unknown variables.

May I suggest, that most of us have experienced something of this nature? Somehow, stuff just happened, and things went wrong.

Perhaps for many of us, our first "knee-jerk" response is to look for someone to blame,

but perhaps our expectations for perfection/blamelessness at all times is somewhat unrealistic? To blame? ( :)

Accidents do happen, mistakes are made, the unexpected happens, and so on.

Whether we blame someone/something or not, what happened happened, and what remains is what to do next. (Casting blame can seem attractive because it lets us of the "hook", we may even feel morally justified, however, that often entails disregarding any variables.)

As far as I can ascertain, even if and when we are without blame; when something goes wrong hanging on to blame often keeps us "stuck".

If we stay focused/stuck on blame we may miss an opportunity for personal growth, for exploring what our guiding principles in life are. (If others are always to blame, then are we not powerless victims unable to affect the outcomes in our lives?)

Many things happens in a life, some of them are expected, planned, anticipated, others are not; over the unexpected we have no control, but what we do have a choice in, is our choice of attitude.

When I spoke with my son about his gig, I suggested that perhaps instead of viewing it as "horrible" he could feel proud about all the hard work he had done, that he had achieved what he had set out to do; he did not fail or make any mistakes; variables happened.

Things go wrong, and sometimes those "wrongs" viewed from a hindsight perspective, can be
re-viewed as "rights".

Perhaps even using the terms right/wrong can be exchanged for "hoped for", anticipated, expected, (right) visa vie un-expected, less favourable, undesirable (wrong)?

As an artist I have often found that many of my "mistakes/wrongs" on the canvas have become my greatest and most expedient teachers. While running out of a particular hue/colour and yet eager to finish a painting I decided to mix in a lot of water; and hence discovered what glazing was all about. At first it seemed as if the very diluted paint was a mistake but as it dried and I repeated the process, I learned how to use the technique quite effectively.

"Acceptance of what has happened, is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune." (William James)

My son didn't achieve the hoped for outcome of his gig, but he has decided to view it with a positive attitude nonetheless.

Stuff happens. Whether we have planned for it or not. Control is an illusion, attitude a choice.
 

"When you blame others, you give up the power to change." (Robert Anthony)



"Lying? Nah, I never lie...."

This morning my son informed me that Philip Seymour Hoffman is dead. At 46, he has "left the building".  After watching "Capote" I couldn't help but wonder how a person can switch off his "deceptive/pretend" life and step back in to "reality".  How do they do it these actors and actresses? How does one wear a new identity and persona for weeks and months on end and then somehow snap back into the "real" self?

Us humans, I believe are configured to make sense of the world in a particular fashion. We need to configure the world in such a way that we can reason and agree about the aspects of reality that are relevant to our purposes. However, our most basic perceptions of the world are often profoundly constrained by our own "ways of seeing". Humans are "story telling creatures", we understand what "reality" is, who we are, and how we should live by placing ourselves within the larger and smaller narratives that we tell and hear, and what for us is real and significant.

This can be hard enough when one is just dealing with one identity/self, but actors/actresses go through many. Are the best actors/actresses those who can so "deceive" their own identities that they actually lose them for the time that they pretend to be someone else?

(I have read of cops working under-cover for long periods of time who have found themselves with "fractured" self-identities after having to settle back into "normality" again.)

If the scientists are right, then its crucial for our narrative illusions/deceptions to work that we are basically unconscious of them, but if we no longer are conscious of our deceptions, will we not experience our deceptions/illusions as "reality"? 

Is lying the same as deceiving? I may lie about my age/status, but by doing so I am deceiving myself.

To make a false statement with the intention to deceive, is the definition of deception says the OED.(Oxford English Dictionary)

To lie = to make a believed-false statement to another person with the intention that that other person believe that statement to be true is the most common definition.

So why do we lie? To save face, to avoid confrontation, to be nice, to shift blame, to get ones own way, to "enhance", and so on. "The fish I caught was THIS big"..."No, your butt does not look big in those pants"....."I didn't do it"....."It's not you, it's me"......

Perhaps one can view a "lie" as the "short con" while deception is the "long con"?

Deception may involve an elaborate web of lies, intentionally done in order to "hide" a truth. The Watergate incident and subsequent lies to cover it up for example; the long con.

"Who ate the last piece of chocolate? ....Not me, I didn't do it". The short con to get out of being reprimanded. 

"And then there is "self-deception".

Wikipedia: "Self-deception is a process of denying or rationalising away the relevance, significance, or importance of opposing evidence and logical argument. Self-deception involves convincing oneself of a truth (or lack of truth) so that one does not reveal any self-knowledge of the deception."

Which brings me back to my quandaries about what "acting" does to a person.

I guess we all behave slightly different depending on who we are with; our parents, friends, co-workers, lover, and so on.. perhaps we "act" in the way that we present ourselves differently to different people, but for most of us our core ethical and moral values probably stay the same.

But what if we never eat or drink to excess in public, but when we are alone we indulge and this with dire consequences? What if we treat our co-workers and friends with respect and good humour, but when we are behind closed doors in our homes we disrespect and belittle our families?

We may then experience cognitive dissonance; "the feeling of psychological discomfort produced by the combined presence of two thoughts that do not follow from one another."

(I know smoking is bad, but I don't know how to quit,  or I need to lower my cholesterol levels, but who wants to eat like a rabbit?)

 People with a higher need for consistency and certainty in their lives usually feel the effects of cognitive dissonance more than those who have a lesser need for such consistency.
If my moral code says it is wrong to bully yet I say nothing when my friend is being bullied, if I carry on an affair behind my spouses back, if I say "yes" although my morals say "no", then most of us will experience a level of psychological discomfort. What about "white lies"?
Are they not lies we tell for the benefit of others? A benign falsehood to spare someone else's feelings?
But, if we tell a lie, white or otherwise, are we not somehow deciding for the "other" what they can or can not handle? "I know you are sensitive about your receding hairline, so when you ask me if it looks like your hair is receding, I will say no."  Perhaps the use of the "white lie" is a "societal tool" of sorts to help us all get along a little easier? "Oh, it's okay, I wasn't asleep, I don't mind if you bring an extra person, Sure I'm happy for your promotion, What a lovely drawing, darling, et cetera."

A problem(of many) I find with defining "the truth" is that it is so ambiguous. Psychological research has identified over a hundred ways one can "bend" the truth. For example Hindsight bias; "I knew it all along", Confirmation bias; finding what we are looking for, Availability bias; overstating the significance of events. Anais Nin: "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
Smoking is bad for our health, there is enough substantial evidence for us to conclude that it is a truth. So when you ask your loved one to stop smoking(drinking, gambling, drugging, etc.) your "truth" is that you are thinking of his/her well being, which is why you are confounded by the response: "Yeah, but not every one who smokes dies from it", which may be your loved ones truth.
Cognitive dissonance theory suggests that we confabulate when confronted with awkward knowledge; "I know smoking can give me cancer, but smoking helps me cope with stress."
We choose what information we want to include when we determine the "truth".
Apparently Philip Seymour Hoffman had been "clean" for 23 years before he had this relapse that claimed his life. What happened? Why now? Being an admirer of his, I feel very sad that he is no longer able to dazzle us with his great artistry, but at the same time I can't help but wonder if there is not perhaps an aspect of "fragmentising" of the psyche involved with being an actor/actress?
Although actors only pretend to be the characters they play, what about the rest of us? Do we not also to a certain extent put on "faces", dress up, suck in our stomachs, have face-lifts, nips-and-tucks, bring out the good china, hide the empty bottles, and so on?
Most of us would probably like to think that we have self-control, but desire, ....is not easily tamed no matter what we tell ourselves. "With will power we can acquire knowledge, but not wisdom, we can go to bed but not will sleep, we can eat when we want to, but we can't will hunger, we can will self-assertion but not courage, reading but not understanding, religion but not faith".
We may will to be without any form of deception, question is, can we?
If we don't see things as they are, but as we are, then it occurs to me that perhaps it is not so much about whether we are involved with deception/lying or not, rather,... how aware we are of our  own entanglement with it.

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”  
(Fyodor Dostoyevsky)