In the aftermath of WikiLeaks and the Snowden revelations, one may perhaps wonder if there are any boundaries left. According to some, once we use the Internet, we leave a trace that can never be extinguished which leads me to ponder whether perhaps we need a "Bill of Rights for the use of Digital Information/behaviour".
Are there any actual legal or other specified boundaries for the use of that nebulous thing we call the Internet?
So far I have discovered: "IT law, Cyber law, and Computer law", but I can't help but wonder how those laws can be reinforced since "freedom of expression" is included in the Cyber Law.
The freedom of expression to "say it like it is" regardless of the consequences to others.....
Which brings me to my topic; personal boundaries.
A definition: "the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others." (Essential Life Skills.net)
Boundaries are learnt; we learn what they are in the families (nurturing environment) we grow up in.
How well those boundaries work depends to a large extent on the respect and adherence to those boundaries. If we are regularly ignored when we say "No, stop or I disagree", we may conclude that we are powerless and that our opinion is of little or no consequence.
This in turn may lead to feeling that others are more important, that we have no rights, that if we say "no" we may put a relationship at risk, and that we don't really "know" ourselves.
Would you let someone else use your toothbrush, would you agree to do something against your own conscious just to keep a friendship, would you avoid voicing your opinion because you feel you don't have the "right" to it? I did. I went even further, I remained married for years although the relationship was nearly destroying me. I was clueless about personal boundaries, although I had very strong internal ones. What are internal boundaries?
Your relationship with yourself, self-discipline, your own rules for your physical and emotional well-being. Perhaps you have as a rule to "not ridicule anyone for any reason" that you stick to, yet when someone ridicules you, you find it hard to tell them that they upset you. Becoming aware of and recognizing what our internal and personal boundaries are assists us in shouldering the responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. Without strong boundaries to identify what we deem acceptable or not for ourselves, we may hinge our self-worth on how others view/respond to us.
So how does one constructively communicate to another that they have crossed one of our boundaries?
May I suggest doing so in a direct, firm and respectful way. Using clear, concise language and remaining calm.
If we have not verbalised what our boundaries are, how will people know when or if they have breeched them? And in order for us to clearly state our boundaries we need to know ourselves what those are.
Some suggestions of areas to which we apply boundaries:
physical=personal space, hygiene, body
mental=your thinking, opinions, values
emotional=knowing/understanding your feelings, how you relate to others
material=how you view your "stuff", will you lend your toothbrush?
meta-physical=your relationship to stuff of a meta-physical nature(things you think exist but can't be seen....)
How we come to have the boundaries we have not only depends on the nurturing environments we are raised in but also on a mix of our opinions, beliefs, experiences and cultural settings. In some cultures it may be considered acceptable to just "drop in" unannounced for a cup of coffee, to touch someone on the hand when speaking, to share personal experiences, whereas in another culture to do so could be viewed as crossing a boundary. If we desire for others to respect and understand our boundaries, we need to respect and understand theirs.
Sometimes no matter how clearly or firmly we set a boundary, someone else may still choose to ignore it. In such case perhaps the best option is to just leave,.. making it clear to the other that the consequence of ignoring or disrespecting your boundaries is that you will leave.
(As long as leaving is not a form of punishment but rather for your own protection and well-being.)
Some research suggests that people with "vague" or weak boundaries tend to ignore/fail to comply with others' boundaries, which suggests to me that knowing and acknowledging our own boundaries, we are more inclined to also do so for others.
"Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work."
(Adrienne Rich)
“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.” (Marcus Aurelius)
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